by Toni Aleo
“I want to fix this. This can’t happen. I won’t let you ruin your life like this.”
“I’m not ruining my life.”
“The hell you aren’t. You’re a baby. We will get this marriage annulled. And the baby, we’ll find a good home for it. We can fix this.”
“It isn’t a dog, Dad, it’s my baby,” I cry as I shake my head. “And, for once, I don’t feel broken, I feel whole. I’m happy.”
But he isn’t convinced. How would he be? He doesn’t even know me. “This isn’t smart. You don’t even know the guy.”
“I do, and I love him,” I say firmly. “I’m not divorcing him or giving my baby up.”
He doesn’t say anything, and the only thing I hear is his labored breathing while Jace moves his fingers along my forearm, trying to keep me calm. I really don’t know what I would do without him. “Your dreams are gone if you do this, Avery. You realize that, don’t you?”
“No, they aren’t.”
“So, you can be a singer and have a baby? Please. Not when he’s got a one-way ticket into the league. Be realistic. He’s gonna dump you the first chance he gets!”
“No, he won’t,” I say and Jace looks up at me, a promise that will never happen in his eyes.
“You’re being naïve. This isn’t going to work.”
That’s my biggest fear, but I won’t let him know that. I have to believe in Jace, in us, and I won’t let anyone deter that. My heart is slamming into my chest, and I know I can’t keep going round and round with him. It’s obvious they are only concerned with how this makes them look, so there is nothing else to talk about. “Yes, it will. If you don’t support us, then why are we still speaking?”
“So that’s it? It’s your way or no way?”
“It’s my life, Dad. I want this.”
He lets out an exasperated breath and roars again. “Avery, are you insane? You don’t want this. Who wants to have a kid at eighteen or be married?”
“You’re right, I didn’t. But I am now, and that’s it. There’s nothing else to discuss ’cause I’m staying married to Jace and I’m having our baby.”
Wow, I sound strong. So sure.
And for once, I am.
Looking to Jace, I smile. This is my forever. Yeah, we don’t have anything figured out, and we may have rushed into this, but we’ve got this.
He says so.
“What about school? That singing thing you’re doing?”
“I’ll go and I’ll sing. I don’t see a problem.”
“You have no money. You have my money.”
“We’ll figure it out. I’ll get a job, but Jace will be going into the draft soon and we’ll be fine.”
“And what if he doesn’t go in?”
“Dad, come on. You know he’s going in.”
“You can’t put stock in that. Be realistic here. Anything can change. He could start to suck, get hurt.”
“Then we’ll cross that bridge when we get there. Dad, I love him.”
“You don’t even know him. It’s been, what, a week?”
My eyes cloud with tears as I shake my head. “See, Dad, you don’t even know. It’s been almost six weeks, and if I remember right, that’s how long it was before you and mom were married. So don’t give me that crap that it’s too early.”
“But we were in our late twenties. You’re a baby. You don’t even know what life is yet.”
Looking at Jace, I smile. “Yeah, I do. I’m looking at it right now.”
“Oh Jesus, Avery. Get your head out of your ass. It’s puppy love. It won’t last.”
“How do you know? You don’t know him—you don’t even know me.”
Groaning loudly, I hear something crash as he lets out a long, frustrated breath. “Jesus Christ, Avery, you’re killing me,” my dad breathes and I shrug. “I do know you, baby. I love you.”
“Funny way of showing it. If you loved me, you’d support my decision.”
“Not when you are making a mistake.”
“But I’m not. I’m happy, Dad, and now I see the only mistake I’ve made today is answering the phone.”
With that, I hang up and hand Jace his phone as my hands start to shake. I’ve never spoken to my dad like that. Or my mom, but it just crushes me that they don’t support me. I don’t even know why I thought they would. I’m constantly setting myself up for failure with those two. Wanting more than they can give me. I really need to learn.
I close my eyes tightly, and Jace wraps me back up in his arms. I lean my head to his. Kissing me, he tightens his hands around me, and my lip quivers as my tears roll down my face.
“I’m sorry, Avery.”
“It’s not your fault.”
“I know, but I don’t want you to cry.” I nod, nuzzling against him. “But I promise, no matter what, I got you.”
“Jace?”
“Yeah?”
“I hope you’re right.”
Because I’m not sure what would happen if it goes to shit, and that scares me to my core. My dad is right; everything he said could happen, and then what? We have such big dreams we are depending on, and what happens if they fall apart? What happens between now and then? Will we make it? What if I get suicidal again? Oh Jesus, what did I do?
“Avery, I can feel your anxiety, but it’s not needed, baby, I promise you. We got this. I got you. I promise.”
As he dusts kisses along my cheek and lips, I feel his confidence as it comes off him in waves. I believe him. I’ve put all my hope and trust into him, thrown all caution and reason to the wind, and I just pray I’m not wrong for doing so.
I hope I’m doing the right thing.
It feels right.
I mean, I’m keeping my baby and I love its daddy, so this is right. It has to be.
But damn it, my parents have stirred doubt inside of me, and now I’m questioning it.
Us.
“Avery, look at me,” Jace demands and I look up, his eyes locked on mine.
“What are you feeling? Talk to me.”
“I’m scared.”
“Okay? Why?”
“’Cause he’s right. It could all come crashing down into a heap of a clusterfuck, and then what?”
His eyes are so steady as he holds my gaze. “Then we pick it all back up, put it together, and push on. The great thing is we have each other, Avery. We’ve got this. Together.”
“How do you know? How are you not freaking out?”
“’Cause I love you and I know we can do this.” My lip trembles and I pull in a deep breath as he smiles. “That’s right. Do it again,” he says, breathing with me, and my heart slows down as my eyes slowly fall closed. Leaning his head to mine, he wraps his arms around my neck, kissing my forehead.
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” I whisper. I might not know anything else, but I know that.
I just hope that’s enough.
I’m not going to cry.
I’m not.
We’ve got this.
I’m also not going to puke, even though that’s all I’ve been doing for the last few weeks.
Jace says it’s fine.
We are fine.
But it just feels like one thing after another.
“I thought you said a room would come available for us today. Didn’t you say today?” Jace asks, leaning on the counter of the housing department.
“Yes, I thought so, hon. I’m sorry,” Mrs. Annie says, and she looks as defeated as we feel. We’ve been in here a lot lately and she knows our whole story—that we are desperate to get housing on campus. Being married, we want to sleep together. But I can’t stay at the Bullies’ house long-term, and he can’t stay in my dorm. “I thought the couple that was staying in the room I wanted to give you was gonna go off campus, but they decided it was cheaper to live here, so we are completely full.”
It is. A lot cheaper.
“We only have ten family dorm facilities. It’s a small campus, honey. I’m so sorry.”
Jace
lets out a long breath, the dark circles under his eyes hurting my heart. He’s been working double at the coffee shop while busting his ass on the ice. If I thought he worked hard before, he is working double time now. He is determined to not only get into the draft but go number one with the highest entry contract. He doesn’t want to fail me, as he keeps saying. No matter how much I said he couldn’t fail me if he tried, he’s running himself into the ground. And he won’t let me stop him.
“Okay, can we stay on the waiting list, though? Maybe after Christmas, someone will move?” I say, wrapping my arms around his arm.
He looks at me and I know he doesn’t like it. “Yeah, is that okay, Mrs. Annie?”
“Of course, guys. I’ll keep you in the loop if anything changes.”
We both nod and then wish her a good day as we head outside in the freezing cold. I’m bundled up tight in my jacket, and he pulls his beanie down over his ears before wrapping his arms around me.
“That sucks.”
“Yeah,” I say as we walk toward his car. “It’s okay, though. We could go get an apartment off campus. That one we looked at the other day would be okay.”
He shrugs. “But it’s like two grand to move in right now. I’ve got the money, but with your co-pays, monthly bills, and no telling what else could come up, I really wanted to stay on campus. Especially since my scholarships pay it all, you know?”
“Yeah,” I agree, and he’s right, but that isn’t feasible right now. So we need another plan. “I can always call and ask my dad—”
“Hell no, I’m not asking your dad—who doesn’t support us—for help. He already cut off your credit cards, Av. You ask, he’ll get even more pissed and stop paying for school. Thankfully, your car is already paid off.”
As he shakes his head, I can’t bring myself to tell him that my dad isn’t paying for my schooling anymore after this year. I haven’t told Jace because I figure it doesn’t matter. We’ll be moving to wherever he gets drafted to, and then I’ll start school there.
“Jace,” I say, stopping him when he tries to walk off. “Let me help.”
“No, you focus on your internship and school, okay? I will figure it out.”
He goes to walk off again, but I stop him once more. “We are a team, Jace. You aren’t the star of the relationship, no matter how amazing you are,” I yell, my frustration about the whole thing getting to be too much to handle. He meets my gaze, worry swirling deep inside his eyes. I hate that. I don’t want him to worry, but I know that it’s unavoidable. Everything is just so up in the air. “This is a partnership. Let me help.”
“I know, Avery. But I want you to focus on the big stuff like school and your internship. Let me worry about this. I mean, we are doing okay living apart. You still sleep at the house, even if you aren’t supposed to. But it’s fine, no one will tell on me.”
“But it’s not fair to anyone else. Especially Markus, despite the fact I think he is a douche. But the rules are there for a reason, and you are setting a bad example.”
“He made a mistake; he isn’t a douche. Greatest guy I know, but I don’t care. I want you to be happy—and with me. So the guys are fine,” he says, shaking his head. “It’s fine.”
“It isn’t,” I say sternly. “You are tired, you’re stressed, and it isn’t okay.”
“Rather me than you,” he says, shaking his head, and my eyes widen.
“Is that what this is about? You don’t think I can handle it?”
“No, Avery, please, can we just drop this and go? We have an hour before we gotta get to your appointment.”
“No, we can’t just drop it. I can handle this. Let me help.”
“How? Tell me how?”
“I can call my dad.”
“And what? You want me to stand by and let my wife’s dad support us? No fucking way.”
Throwing my hands up, I yell, “You and your damn pride.”
“No, you are my responsibility, my wife,” he says, lacing his fingers with mine. “And I will provide for you, okay?”
“You can’t do it alone, Jace. Maybe we should ask your mom? Your brothers? Lucy?”
“Hell no, Avery. We can do this. I don’t need help,” he stresses, his eyes telling me something entirely different. He’s just as scared as I am. It really hasn’t been that bad, sort of living with him and living in my dorm, but I don’t want him to get into trouble. I doubt that his coach would really come down hard on him since he is doing his mom, but still, I know how proud Jace is. He wants to be the best, he wants to be a good example for his team, and I’m threatening that by being there.
When a tear runs down my face, I wipe it away quickly, hoping he doesn’t see it. But he does. “Fuck, Avery, don’t cry. It’s fine,” he says, wrapping me up in his arms.
“I just worry about you.”
“Don’t,” he says, kissing the top of my head. “It will work out. Maybe I can go plant some drugs in someone’s dorm room and get them kicked out?” he jokes and I smile.
“No, they all have babies.”
“And we will too.”
“Yeah, but they have them now. Ours is still cooking.”
He smiles. “True, which is why we gotta get to the doctor.”
I eye him. “I’m not done talking about this.”
He waves me off. “It will work out.”
And I don’t doubt that. If anyone can do it, we can. But at what cost?
Lying back on the cold table, I lift up my T-shirt as Dr. Vernon moves his hands along my abdomen.
“How is everything? You still vomiting a lot?”
I smile. “Yeah.”
“It’s normal, but you let me know if it gets out of hand.”
“Okay.” I smile at Jace as he watches, his eyes intent on the doctor.
“Her boobs hurt a lot,” he says then, and I giggle as the doctor smiles.
“It’s normal.”
“That will go away, right? She said it will go away.”
Rolling his eyes, Dr. Vernon laughs. “Yes, son, it will.”
“Cool,” he says, rocking back on his heels. “And everything is good? Like, she’s normal?” He’s shaking with nerves and I reach out to take his hand. “Like, her meds won’t hurt the baby, right?”
“No, she’s right where she needs to be. You are showing already.”
I smile. “I look bloated, fat,” I say with a laugh, and Jace glares at me.
“I told you, you aren’t fat.”
“Woo-hoo, got you a good man right there. Smart man,” Dr. Vernon says with a wink and I grin.
“The best,” I say to Jace, but he’s too busy watching everything the doctor does.
When his eyes widen, I cut my gaze to the doctor as he comes to me with a little machine. “What is that?” Jace asks, horror in his voice.
Dr. Vernon laughs. “I haven’t had a skittish daddy in a while. It’s nice,” he jokes, but Jace isn’t laughing. “It’s a fetal Doppler. We’re going to see if we can hear the baby’s heartbeat.”
“Aw, cool!” I say, coming up on my elbows to watch. Jace comes closer, his eyes wide as Dr. Vernon turns it on and then places it to my belly, pressing into my skin. But I hear nothing. He moves it around, but I still don’t hear anything other than the static of the thing moving. Oh, no. What if something is wrong?
“I don’t hear anything,” Jace says, the alarm in his voice matching mine. “Does that mean it doesn’t have a heartbeat?”
But Dr. Vernon waves him off. “No, it’s early. We may not be able to hear it,” he says, moving it around more, but that doesn’t help the anxiety suffocating me. Lucy said I should be able to hear it at this appointment. I glance at Jace and he looks white as a ghost and hasn’t moved, only his eyes following the little probe on my belly. Turning back to the doctor, I watch him, and when he smiles, I hold my breath. “Hello there, little bit,” he mutters before turning the knob of the thing up, and the most beautiful sound in the world fills the room.
Our b
aby’s heartbeat.
I close my eyes, my face breaking into a grin as Jace kisses me hard on the cheek. When I open my eyes, he has his phone up, and I smile, thinking he’s taking a picture. “I’m recording. That’s our baby.”
I laugh as he turns off his phone, kissing me once more. Leaning his nose to my temple, he whispers, “I’m so happy.”
Tears burn my eyes as I nod. “Me too.”
“Me too,” Dr. Vernon says. “It sounds good, strong. You are doing great, so we are done. Let me know if there are any questions, and I will see you in four weeks.”
He takes the Doppler off my stomach, and the room goes silent except for the crackling of the paper I sit on. But one thing is for sure, you couldn’t wipe the grins off our faces. Or erase the fact that I’ll never forget the sound of my baby’s heartbeat.
“It could be a badass beat, for a rap or something,” I say as we walk out of the office and toward our car.
Jace laughs. “Yeah, I want to hear that.” Smiling back, I lean into him, wanting not only his warmth but his love. “That was so awesome.”
“It was.”
“I want to post it, but I know you don’t want people knowing about the little bun in your oven.”
I nod. “Even though everyone already suspects it. Because why would hotshot, star hockey player Jace Sinclair marry someone like Avery Rose without knocking her up?”
He makes a face. “Who the hell thinks that?”
“Everyone, Jace,” I say with a shrug. “I don’t care, though. They’re just jealous.”
“True that,” he says with a nod. “So I still can’t post it?”
“No,” I laugh, leaning into him.
“Why?”
“’Cause I’m only nine weeks. Wait till after twelve.”
“That’s boring.”
“It’s smart,” I say simply. “I could still miscarry according to the baby book.”
He shakes his head. “Um, no. My baby is coming into the world to dominate. He’s sticking around.”
I roll my eyes. “You’re crazy.”
“Crazy for you,” he says, nuzzling his nose in my ear, causing me to giggle as I try to get away. Reaching out, he pulls me back into his side as we reach the car. While I’m excited and elated about hearing the baby’s heartbeat, our conversation from earlier is still bothering me, and I know I have to settle this with him.
