When Love grows doubt

by Barbara Eckhoff

  Robert looked up and Samuel was almost a little startled. He had never seen him like this before. Tired, bloodshot eyes looked at him in despair and in a low, resigned voice he began to talk:

  "I think she tried to kill herself today and it's my fault."

  "She tried to kill herself? Why?"

  Horrified, Samuel moved closer.

  "She must have seen the police here and thought I was going to turn her in."

  "Police? Turn her in? I don't understand, what you mean. Why would she be afraid of the police?"

  "Moira was working with Dumfrey and I found out about it."

  "What, Moira, a smuggler? I can't believe that. Are you sure about that?"

  Gradually, something stirred inside Robert. And how he was sure. It was time he got the whole mess off his chest.

  "I saw her myself one night getting out of Dumfrey's carriage. When I confronted her, she confessed everything to me. From the very beginning, she lied to me, deceived me and even tried to kill me.It was thanks to her that I was in such a bad state. Dumfrey had given her a sleeping powder, which was mixed with arsenic. That's why she's been under house arrest for weeks."

  Samuel couldn't believe what he was hearing.

  "This is all unbelievable. Why would Moira do something like this?"

  "She must owe Dumfrey a lot of money and he's asked her to make a pass at me, to keep me away from his activities in the bay. It was a setup from the start and when the police showed up here yesterday, she must have thought I was going to hand her over and fled."

  "And you think she tried to take her own life?"

  "Yes."

  "That's really an incredible story. I've known Moira longer than you have, and Eileen knows her even better, and I can only tell you, I can't understand that. Moira is sometimes quite gullible. She sees only the good in everyone and after the death of her parents, she had to grow up very quickly and take responsibility. Everyone put their problems on her shoulders and I can imagine that she was overwhelmed and easy prey for Dumfrey. But that she should be calculating and ice-cold, I just can't believe."

  "She herself told me that she had Dumfrey's orders and what she was supposed to do. Although she claims that she only ever thought it was a sleeping powder, as it was the first time. You remember the

  morning you found me here? That was her doing. But who would believe her after what she did."

  "But I've seen you two interact. The way she looked at you. Boy, that wasn't acting. She really loves you.

  Maybe she was fooling you at first, but in the weeks before and after your wedding, her feelings were real. No one can fake that and then the baby. She was so happy about it. It doesn't add up when you're supposed to be so calculating."

  "I know. I believed that she was fooling me about the baby, too, but she's really having one and that's why I haven't turned her over to the police yet. I can't bring the mother of my child to the gallows, so I told her that she would be under house arrest until the birth."

  "And what were you going to do with her then?"

  "Honestly, I don't know. When she told me about Dumfrey, I was furious and deeply hurt. I felt taken

  advantage of and betrayed. I had laid my heart at her feet and she only used me. I punished her and try to banish her from my life but I just couldn‘t do it. I am a fool because I still love her in spite of everything. I miss every day, the hours we spent together, talking and laughing. I can find no rest, because my body longs for her. I want to hold her in my arms and now I'm scared as hell that I might lose her. Many times I have asked myself if I could forgive her, but how could I ever be able to trust her again?"

  Samuel ran his hand through his hair. It was an outrageous story that Robert was telling him and if Moira had really committed all these acts, she had taken on a heavy guilt, but somehow it did not sound like her at all. He knew, through Eileen, that Dumfrey had been badgering her. Could it be that her desperation had been so great that she had agreed to such a pact?

  "What puzzles me about the whole thing, is why she didn't ask for your help, if she owes Dumfrey money. Why was she doing this anyway?"

  "I don't understand it either. Moira told me that Dumfrey has a promissory bill from her father and that he owed him ten thousand pounds.“

  Samuel whistled through his teeth.

  "A lot of money."

  "She said that he had blackmailed her with that sum of money, and that if she told me anything about it, he would hurt Eileen or the children. According to Moira, he even wanted to put her in a whore house in Edinburgh if she didn't work off the money for him."

  "What a son of a bitch. It's about time he was caught. I'm sure even Eileen doesn't know anything about it, because she would have told me. So Moira was desperate because she didn’t have anyone to talk to about it."

  "She still should have told me. We would have found a way to protect your wife and the kids. I offered to help her from the beginning. I knew that her finances weren't doing very well."

  "Maybe there's more to it than that, something that you don't know. If you really still care about her, then you should talk to her again, calmly and without anger. I don't want to defend her, she committed a crime, but it's up to you whether this crime is ever made public. It is in your hands. Only you are the injured party."

  Becoming thoughtful, Robert took a deep breath.

  "I know what you mean by that. Except Dumfrey, Moira, me and now you, no one knows anything about the attack. So if we don't tell anyone, only Dumfrey could do it, and he'll be guilty as well."

  "Right. So it's up to you how far you want to go. If I'm honest, I don't know what I'd do either if this whole thing had happened to me. But as a friend, my advice to you is to talk with each other."

  "I should have done it a long time ago, but I wasn’t ready to do it yet, and now it's maybe too late. Jesus, is it a good sign or a bad sign, that we've been sitting here for hours and haven't heard anything? I can't stand this waiting anymore."

  Robert had jumped up and was wandering through the room. Finally the door opened and Albert appeared.

  "My lord, the doctor wishes to see you."

  Hastily he hurried up, and as he entered the room, he was met by Eileen, who was carrying a pile of blood-soaked sheets in her hand. The sight did not bode well, but before he could think about it further, Dr. Simmons approached him.

  "What about my wife?"

  "Please come outside the room with me. I need to talk to you undisturbed."

  Robert tried to take a look at the bed, but Harried stood in his line of vision and blocked his view. Thus he went with the doctor in front of the door, who immediately had his say.

  "Your wife is alive. I was able to stop the heavy bleeding, but she is very weak due to the high blood loss. On top of that, she has a severe concussion and a number of abrasions and bruises. Your wife was very lucky because she did not suffer any broken bones or internal injuries. However, I have to give you the sad news that she has lost her child."

  Robert had feared it, but now hearing the unsparing truth stung his heart. He had just gotten used to the idea of becoming a father, and now this. Suddenly he was overcome by an unspeakable sadness, because this meant that an important reason for not having to hand Moira over to the police had disappeared. How had she taken the news?

  "Does my wife know about this yet?"

  Dr. Simmons shook his head.

  "She was conscious for a short time, but I haven't told her yet. I think it's better, that she regains her strength a little first, before she learns the truth. Otherwise she could go into a deep depression and that would get in the way of her recovery."

  "Will she be able to have children again?"

  "Yes, she is young and as far as I could see, no irreparable damage has been done. She will be physically well in a few weeks, the psychological damage after a miscarriage is unfortunately impossible to predict. Some women cope better than others. At the moment sh
e has severe abdominal pain, which on the one hand is caused by the loss of the child and the high loss of blood and on the other hand from the fall in general. I have given her some laudanum for this. Just in case I'll leave you some more if the pain becomes stronger again. However, you should only give it to her if there is no other way. My lord, your wife should be under constant observation for a few days. If her condition deteriorates, call me

  immediately, otherwise I'll check back in two days. Until then, she needs a lot of rest and no excitement. You can go to her now. I will excuse myself."

  "Thank you very much, Doctor Simmons."

  "Don't thank me. Pray to God for keeping his hands protectively over her tonight."

  As the doctor left, Robert re-entered the bedroom. Harried was the only one left in the room.

  "My lord, I'll prepare you a bath. We have enough hot water left for me to fill the tub. Albert will bring you fresh clothes, and you can lay yours at the door for me to take."

  Harried looked a little sheepishly at his shirt and Robert followed the look. He hadn't even registered yet, that he too was wearing his wife's blood on his clothes. His shirt and pants were stained with blood. But he cared little about it and went over to the bed. Wrapped in fresh sheets, Moira lay there. Her face as pale as the sheets themselves. Around her forehead she wore a white bandage and her face was littered with blood-encrusted scratches. In some places, a slight blue tint was visible. There would be colorful bruises in the next few days. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was calm. It was the second time in a short while that he saw her so helpless and weak in that bed, and he wanted her to regain her strength, wanted her to become his Moira again. Here and now he decided that he didn't care what had been. He wanted a new beginning with her and he would fight for it. Robert drew the thick curtains to darken the room. It was after eight o'clock in the morning and the hot bath had done him good, but the events of the night had also left their marks and so he had decided to give himself a few hours' sleep. Cautiously, he sat down on the edge of the bed at the side of Moira. She had not moved or woken up in the last half hour. Carefully, he stroked her cheek with his finger. He had almost forgotten how soft her skin was. Carefully he breathed a kiss on her bandaged forehead. The doctor had advised him to keep her under constant observation and that is exactly what he would do. So it was best if he slept with her, because he would notice any change immediately and so he lay down next to her in bed. For a while he listened to her regular breaths until he himself fell asleep.

  Chapter 28

  When Moira woke up, the room around her was in semi-darkness. It took her a while to register that she was back in her bed in Robert's bedroom. It worried her, hadn’t she run away from him and the police?

  She had tried to evade arrest, but there seemed to be no escape from him. Should she try again? But she was tired of running, felt weak and her limbs refused to obey her. A sharp pain immediately ran through her head when she tried to sit up in bed. Groaning, she sank back into the pillows. Then suddenly, seemingly appearing out of nowhere, she saw Harried running excitedly to the bed.

  "Oh, my lady, you mustn't move. You had an accident and are injured. We have been very worried

  about you, but now that you are awake, I'll bring you some food and drink right away. You need to regain your strength. I'll just open the curtains a little so you can see better. Please lie still, until I get back."

  Without waiting for a reply, she opened the curtains a small crack to let the daylight in, then she

  disappeared from the room and Moira was alone. She tried to think, but her head ached too much.

  Harried had mentioned that she had been in an accident but no matter how much she thought about it, she could not remember it. The last thing she knew was that the police had shown up and she had run away, but she could not remember where to. The dull pain in her head was sharp and came at intervals and just as she was trying to massage her temples with her fingers she realized that she had a thick bandage around her forehead. The door opened and instead of Harried, Robert entered the room. Standing tall, he stood for a moment in the door. Dressed in black pants and a white shirt, in which his muscular torso was tucked in and whose sleeves he had rolled up to the upper arms, he looked very virile. A few strands had come loose from his neatly coiffed black hair, which gave him a daring expression. He looked so outrageously good, that she could not take her eyes off him, and her heart began to beat faster. Without moving, she followed him with her eyes as he came closer and placed a tray he had brought with him on the table next to her bed. Then he sat down on the edge of the bed with her and looked at her in silence.

  Moira had to swallow. She didn't seem to be able to escape her punishment. There they sat now, each

  seeming to assess the other, and neither knew what to say. The gap between them seemed too wide to make a start. Moira tried to read Robert's face. What was going on inside him, but he controlled himself too well. The fact that Robert said nothing at all worried her so much that she became frightened. Robert, on the other hand, had been relieved when Harried had told him that Moira was awake. He had immediately dropped everything to check on her. She was still very pale in the face and probably still in a lot of pain, but she bravely tried not to show it. Actually, he had wanted to talk to her as soon as she was awake, but at the sight of her, he inwardly postponed the conversation to the future. He was about to stroke her cheek tenderly and had already raised his hand when Moira suddenly got a panic stricken expression. Startled, he lowered his hand immediately. Then Moira began to speak in a weak and fragile voice:

  "Robert, I beg you, please don't send me to prison. I will do anything you say. I will obey you or go away forever, if that is what you want, but do not send me to prison."

  She put her hand on his arm and looked at him with a pleading and desperate look. Instinctively, he sensed her fear - of him, and that was the last thing he wanted. Soothingly, he said:

  "Let's talk about it when you're feeling better. You're sick and you should get your strength back."

  "No!"

  Her violent reaction surprised him and he paused.

  "I don't want any more lies and misunderstandings between us. I wish I could undo everything. In my

  naivety I thought I could deal with Dumfrey myself. If it hadn't been for that promissory bill from my father, everything would have been different. Shortly after the funeral of my parents, Dumfrey asked me to marry him, but......"

  Robert saw how the talking was exhausting her and how she could hardly keep her eyes open.

  She desperately needed the rest that Dr. Simmons had prescribed for her, and so he cut her off.

  "Moira, let's wait until you're feeling better. You can hardly keep yourself awake."

  But she was determined to get everything off her chest, so she mustered up the last of her strength

  and continued: "No, please, I have to tell it now. Just listen to me."

  Robert, who heard the urgency in her voice and understood that it was important to her, let her. Silently, he sat on the edge of the bed and listened to her words.

  "As I said, Dumfrey asked me to marry him quite soon, but I refused, as I did the countless times after that. He simply did not want to understand that I did not want to marry him. Then, last summer he came one day and proposed again, and I politely declined again. This must have infuriated him so much, because he suddenly pulled out my father's promissory note and told me that I should pay back the money in installments. But they were prohibitively expensive for me. I was able to pay back the first few installments with savings but at the beginning of the year I could no longer pay. That was the time when he started to blackmail me. Marriage was no longer an option and, strangely enough, he was no longer interested in money. He wanted me to keep you away from the bay. If I refused, he would hurt Eileen, the children and me. He threatened to send me to the brothel, then another time he threatened that there might be a fire at the orphanage
, like at my parents. I know none of those are excuses why I gave you that sleeping powder, but - I didn't know what else to do. He told me that if I told you, you would break up with me and that's what I was afraid of."

  Robert listened intently and suddenly felt bad since Dumfrey had known him so well, for he had done just that. He had dropped Moira when he learned of the betrayal. He wanted to say something, but Moira

  continued.

  "I thought that if I gave you the powder. I would have fulfilled my debt to him, but he kept coming back. I told him that I could pay him back the money, but he was not interested in the money any longer. It had also occurred to me to let him think that I would do it, but he knew about every move of mine and of yours. Robert, he has an informant here in your house."

  "I know it's William, my bellhop. I caught him in flagrante delicto the other night."

  "William? No wonder he knew about everything here."

  "What exactly is his plan?"

  "I don't know. At first it was to keep you away from the bay. The second time I gave you the powder,

  I went to the cove myself because I wanted to know what was going on, but unfortunately they caught me."

  "That was very dangerous of you," Robert shook his head in disbelief.

  "Maybe, but I wanted to know, what was happening there, and also wanted to know if it gave me a chance to get him off my back. I admit that it was very amateurish of me."

  "Why didn't you ever confide in me? You knew from the very beginning that I was offering you my help."

  "I know, but it was my problem, not yours. It's my father who owes him money. When this whole thing

  started, I didn't even know you, and that's why I'm accepting my punishment, whatever it may be, but please don't send me to prison. I’ll do whatever you say."

  "I don't want you to do things for me, just because I tell you to, nor do I want you to stay with me because you think you have to.Tell me one thing and I want to hear the truth, even if it does not turn out the way I would like to hear it. How do you feel about me?"