Beautiful Illusion

by Jacquie Underdown

  I looked at him, at the fear in his compassionate eyes and I shook my head. “I love you. Not what you have, and what you don’t have, but you. The man who wooed me with chocolates when I was confined to a hospital bed, who was so patient and compassionate when I had an irrational jealousy fit, who makes me literally scream with pleasure, and who defends my honour when required. That’s what I love.”

  He leant over and kissed me passionately on the mouth. “I love you too.” He settled back against his chair and, with a wide grin, raised his glass in the air. “Here’s to us. To our engagement. And the long and beautiful life we’ll have together.”

  I chimed my glass against his. “To us,” I said, before taking a mouthful of wine, still feeling as though these wonderful moments, our engagement, my love for Brennan, his recent confession, was surreal. Simply too good to be true. “Am I dreaming, Brennan?”

  He smiled at me then laughed aloud. “I know what you mean. It feels like a dream, doesn’t it?”

  “Yes. It does.”

  ***

  Brennan had booked a hotel suite for the night. We checked in at three in the afternoon. The room was beyond incredible; double storey, eighteen-foot high ceilings, king-sized bed, and luxury bathroom with a spa. As soon as we stepped over the threshold onto luxurious carpet, I expected Brennan to be all over me.

  Instead, he staggered to the bed and sat on the end, flopping himself back supine on the mattress.

  “Bren! What’s the matter?”

  With eyes closed, he massaged his forehead with his thumb and forefinger. “I’m really sorry, Leah. I know we’re supposed to be celebrating, but this headache has hit me all of a sudden.”

  I sat down next to him, peering at his face, which was wrinkled with pain. I rubbed his shoulder. “Maybe try and take a nap. That usually helps, right?”

  He nodded, eyes still closed.

  “I’ll pop downstairs and see if I can get you some painkillers.”

  “Yes. Please,” he said faintly.

  “I’ll be back soon. Try and relax.”

  I grabbed my bag and rode the lifts to the foyer where there was a chemist. I purchased some codeine and hurriedly returned to the suite. Brennan was curled up on the bed. I grabbed a bottle of water from the mini bar and brought him two of the small white tablets. He swallowed them down and curled back up again.

  “I’m so sorry,” he whispered.

  “Please, Bren. Don’t worry. I can amuse myself. I noticed a spa in the bathroom that will happily occupy my time. You try and get some rest, okay?”

  He tried to smile, but it didn’t work out quite right.

  For the next four hours I bathed, explored every nook and cranny of the suite, devoured a bottle of chocolate-coated macadamia nuts, and had just finished watching a movie in the lounge room when Brennan walked out of the bedroom, looking a hundred times better than he had earlier.

  He joined me on the couch. “Please forgive me?” he said.

  I smiled. “You can’t help that you got a headache.”

  He nodded his head and sighed.

  “You look better.”

  “I feel so much better now. I must have just needed a good rest.”

  “I think you need to see a doctor about those headaches, though,” I said.

  He nodded. “I was thinking the same.”

  “Promise me you’ll go on Monday, first thing.”

  “I promise.”

  He stood up swiftly, suddenly energetic. “I’m starving. How about you?”

  “I’m pretty hungry myself. If you hadn’t woken up in the next hour I would’ve had no choice but to ring room service.”

  He laughed. “We could definitely still do that and spend the rest of the evening in bed together.”

  “Not sleeping, I hope?”

  “Definitely not sleeping. Not right away, that is.”

  I stood up and slung my arms around his waist. “That’s a very enticing offer, Brennan Lee, and I may have to accept.”

  He kissed me on the neck before hoisting me up into his arms, making me scream with laughter. “You act as though you had a choice.”

  Chapter 15

  I wrapped my arm tight around Brennan’s body, feeling the warmth of his naked skin against mine. Brennan met my gaze, accompanied by an incredible smile.

  “My beautiful fiancée,” he whispered.

  I smiled from ear to ear and waves of exhilaration flushed my body. He kissed me and I closed my eyes, blissfully happy as his lips moved with mine.

  I felt his body stiffen and tense next to me. It didn’t feel right. I snapped my eyes open. Brennan had thrown his hands to his head and his face was contorted with immense pain. My heart beat hard as he rolled onto his knees, pushed his head into the pillow, moaning.

  “What’s going on?” I asked, frantically.

  He didn’t answer.

  I jumped out of bed, hands shaking, and stood beside the bed watching him while my brain cleared enough for me realise I should ring an ambulance. As Brennan’s pillow-muffled, pain-filled screams permeated the silence of the bedroom I stumbled around the room trying to remember where I had left my mobile. I found my handbag on the floor near the bedroom door and rummaged through it, finally getting my mobile in my hand. I ran back to join Brennan.

  “Brennan,” I said, touching his shoulder. “Brennan, are you okay? Should I call an Ambulance?”

  He didn’t answer, still moaning, grasping his head.

  I flipped open the phone, dialled 000 and waited, my eyes glued to Brennan, for someone to answer.

  “Emergency,” came the female voice. “Do you need police, ambulance or fire services?”

  “Umm. Ambulance.”

  “What’s your address?”

  “Um. Um.” I was blank, unable to remember where I was. “Um, I don’t know.” I breathed in deeply. Tried to calm myself. Tried to remember.

  “Miss, please settle yourself. Is there someone else around that can help you?”

  Is there? I don’t know?

  I couldn’t think straight. I couldn’t focus, couldn’t orientate myself in place or even time. “I don’t know where I am.” I said, breaths heavy.

  “What is your name, Miss?”

  At least I knew the answer to that, but even it felt unreal as I spoke it. “It’s Leah.”

  “Leah, I need to be able to send an ambulance out to you. You need to tell me where you are. Can you see a street sign? Do you know the suburb?”

  I ran to the window and threw back the curtains, but all I could see was black when I was certain, no less than ten minutes before, the sun was illuminating the room.

  “No, it’s too dark. I’m—I’m with my fiancé. He’s screaming into a pillow, holding his head. He’s in a lot of pain.”

  Brenan shot his head up and turned to me. Fear filling his eyes. He let out a tremendous cry, “Leah!”

  I darted to him, to touch him, to hold him, but again his hands flew to his head and he crouched into the bed again.

  “Oh my god! Please, he needs help,” I cried into the phone. “Please help him.”

  Brennan screamed into his pillow, “Leah! Leeeeeaaaaah!”

  His entire body relaxed. I dropped the phone. Brennan was no longer making a sound. I jumped beside him on the bed and placed my hand on his back. He wasn’t breathing.

  “Oh my God, oh my God. Brennan! Brennan!” I screamed, heart hammering, tears thick in my throat, on my face. I had never been more scared, more alone, or more confused.

  With all my might I rolled him onto his back. I felt his chest. He definitely wasn’t breathing; his eyes were closed. I squeezed his wrist. I couldn’t feel a pulse.

  I had to do something. Placing one hand over the other and then on the centre of his chest, I began to push violently, again and again, on his chest. Up and down, hard on his chest, over and over and over, until I could barely breathe myself, his chest wet from my tears, but he wasn’t responding. I jumped off the bed again, falling
to my knees, patting around for my phone, finding it under the foot of the bed.

  “I need help! He isn’t breathing. Please help me,” I cried into my mobile, but there was no one there, just the monotone shrill of a disconnected call. I shuffled backwards into the corner of the room, curling up against the wall and rocked back and forth, crying monsoon tears, unable to do anything else.

  The room started to dim at the edges of my vision, shadows slowly creeping in until all the colour was turning grey, then transforming into a thick, sticky blackness. The blackness overwhelmed me. It pushed me under its blanketing force and kept me there, unable to find a way out. My eyes darted around, trying to find an exit, a light in the darkness.

  I tried to call out to Brennan, but my voice wouldn’t work. I tried and tried again, but it was like a bad dream, where I knew what I wanted and needed to do, but my body was too sleep-laden, too heavy to respond. Ahead of me, I could vaguely see a dull illumination in the distance. I started to run to it, but my body wouldn’t run, so I reached, stretched for it, but my body wouldn’t reach. I screamed, but my body wouldn’t scream.

  The light was moving closer, becoming brighter. I tried to will myself towards it. I knew the light meant help was close. That’s when I heard the familiar voice.

  “Lee Lee, I’m here, darling girl.”

  It was Dad. In the darkness, his voice sounded so good.

  “Lee Lee, I love you, my darling girl. Come on, love. Open your eyes,” Dad urged.

  I couldn’t understand what he was saying. My eyes were open. Then, slowly, painfully, I realised that they weren’t. That’s why it was so dark. Perhaps if I just opened my eyes, I would be able to see Dad. Maybe he had helped Brennan; maybe he had come to help us. Maybe Brennan would be okay.

  “Leah, darling, open your eyes. You can do it.”

  Of course Dad would have helped us and Brennan would be okay. I simply had to open my eyes and see it.

  I was suddenly aware that I was lying on my back, in a bed. It smelled familiar. Like bleach, and the stale odour of aged people. The light seemed bright from behind my eyelids; it was close. It was very close. I reached out and my body finally responded, but my arm felt like it was weighted down. My dad’s calloused hands grabbed mine.

  “Lee Lee, darling. I’m here, baby. I’m here, darling,” he said, his voice quivering.

  I tried to force my eyelids open, but they were so heavy, like they were sealed with glue. I felt them flutter as I tried to open my eyes. Flecks of light permeated my eyes. It hurt. It was incredibly bright out there. But I needed to open my eyes to the light; I needed to see if Brennan was alright. I thought of him lifeless under my hands and an incredible grief stormed through my body with such sudden violence that my eyes snapped open.

  “Brennan?” I gasped. My voice sounded strange.

  My eyes darted around the room, to the light above me, to Dad’s face leaning over me, to the other side that was empty, to the man in a white coat at my feet. I was in hospital again.

  “Brennan?” I breathed.

  I turned my head to Dad.

  “Hey, baby,” he said, tears rolling down his face. “Welcome back.”

  Chapter 16

  Leah felt the luminosity of morning finding its way under her eyelids and woke. She opened her eyes, took a long deep breath in and consciously acknowledged her surroundings.

  She was in a hospital room. Hers was the only bed in the room, which was stark white, studded with medical equipment, sinks, paper-towel dispensers, signs, cords, and switches. She could smell that familiar smell—bleach and old people. In her left wrist was a drip, and under her nose she had an oxygen tube pushing clean, fresh air into her respiratory system.

  Pain sparked from her right eye to the back her head. Leah raised her hand to her head and softly fingered the bandage that was wound tightly around her forehead. She felt for her long, beautiful hair that normally hung down to her waist. It wasn’t there. Pushing her finger lightly under the bandage, she could feel the sharp prickles of her freshly shaven scalp. She began to breathe erratically; deep, sharp breaths in, short bursts of air out.

  She threw the blankets aside, revealing her body, battle worn under a hospital gown. Around her left leg was a hard white cast that wrapped from her foot all the way to her upper thigh. A thick, creamy coloured stocking dressed the other leg. Scratches and yellow, green, and purple bruising covered nearly every area of exposed flesh. She felt hurriedly between her legs, found a thick tube, and yanked back her hand as though she had touched a hot flame. Following the tubing with her eyes, she spied a plastic bag attached to the railing of her bed, quarter filled with fluid. A catheter.

  Her entire body ached as she lay supine on the bed, head slightly elevated, staring at the ceiling, wondering what the hell had led her to be back in hospital again and so severely injured. She had simply no recollection.

  A nurse came into the room, a short, matronly woman with thick-rimmed glasses and glossy brown, bobbed hair. “Good morning,” she said leaning over the bed. “It’s lovely to see you awake.”

  “What happened to me?” Leah asked, confusion and pain slurring her speech and wrinkling her brow.

  “I’m going to call the doctor in to explain the situation.”

  Leah nodded and lay silently while the nurse took her blood pressure and temperature. As the nurse unwrapped the band from her arm, the doctor arrived and came to her bedside.

  “Good morning. My name is Doctor Crowley. Can you tell me your name please?”

  “Leah.”

  “Good, Leah. Do you know what day it is?”

  “Um.” She had to think hard.

  What day is it?

  She remembered that it was a Friday night when she and Brennan drove out to the farm. It was Saturday when they had lunch in the city. She recalled Brennan’s nervous tone and affectionate eyes as he asked her to marry him. Like the gentle trickle of a stream, all the memories began seeping back in, filling her with a joyful warmth in the pit of her stomach. They had stayed at a hotel in the city. Brennan had got a headache. Then, like a flash of lightning, she was remembering herself thumping hard on Brennan’s lifeless body, pounding on his chest, trying to revive him. Her entire body began to shake.

  “Oh my God,” she said, eyes wide. “Where’s Brennan?” She was almost screaming. “Where is he? Did you help him? Did they find him?”

  “Leah, listen to me, please,” said the doctor, placing his hand on Leah’s shoulder. “Calm down and let me explain.”

  Her attention shifted back to the doctor, trying to let his pleas provide her with comfort. “What happened to me?”

  “Please try to relax. I can explain to you how you arrived here.”

  Leah closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, trying to calm her frantic mind, but she couldn’t shake the sensation of Brennan’s lifeless body under her hands and the grief that was crackling through her soul. Leah opened her eyes again, asked softly this time. “How did I get here?”

  “You were involved in a very serious car accident. Do you recall that?”

  “I was in another accident?” she asked.

  “Your car was hit at an intersection by an ambulance and a truck, concurrently. You sustained severe head trauma in the accident and have been in a coma for the last six days.”

  “I don’t understand. That’s already happened, that was months ago now.”

  The doctor used all his patience to keep his voice calm and soothing. “Can you remember the accident, Leah?”

  Leah nodded, eyes wild with confusion. “Yes. But, but I…” A tear rolled down Leah’s cheek as she began to realise what had happened.

  “Is Brennan here?” she asked, desperation cracking her voice.

  The doctor shook his head. “No. You were admitted alone.”

  “But I shared a room with him here. Didn’t I?”

  “You were admitted to the hospital almost seven days ago now. There are only single rooms in this unit. Anyway
this hospital is for females only.”

  Leah nodded, sniffling in the moisture from her nose that was joining her growing tears. “I love him. He’s real,” she cried.

  The doctor exhaled and moved to Leah’s bedside. “We don’t understand enough of what happens when someone is in a coma. It’s been well documented that people do have very vivid dreams whilst unconscious and often awaken quite confused and disoriented. Perhaps you have been experiencing a very life-like dream.”

  Leah sniffled again and nodded. “Perhaps.”

  Brennan could not have been a dream. He just simply could not have been a dream.

  However, as much as she tried to wrack her brain, which seemed to operate lethargically, as though immersed in a thick paste, she couldn’t think of any other plausible explanation. None that didn’t involve conspiracy theories masterminded by the entire hospital staff, or aliens implanting false memories into her skull.

  A terrible grief tore at her, scarring her from the inside out, as she contemplated a life without Brennan. A pain far worse than the physical pain from her injuries, which made her entire body ache, settled in, enveloping her like the blackness had in the hotel room. How could it be that a man she loved entirely, with all her heart, all her body and all her spirit, did not actually exist, merely a figment of her injured brain’s imagination? How could that possibly be?

  The doctor ran Leah through the routine tests of her reflexes, dilation, motor and cognitive abilities. He sat with her explaining the extent of her injuries, the multiple breaks in her left femur, tibia, and ankle, which had been successfully operated on. Two metal pins had been inserted. Hitting her head against the window of her car had caused her brain to haemorrhage in three separate places, requiring drainage to prevent potentially fatal brain swelling. Various places along her torso had required stitches. She had received deep cuts to her cheek and lip for which she had already undergone plastic surgery on. It would heal with as little scarring as possible.

  He explained about the extensive bruising to her internal organs and the morphine that was surging through her veins via the IV, keeping at bay the severe, crippling pain she would otherwise be feeling. The doctor explained the possible long-term cognitive defects after receiving such a severe brain injury, the months of rehabilitation she would require to regain the motor skills necessary to even perform simple mundane tasks like brushing her teeth, not to mention the use of her crushed leg.