Beautiful Illusion

by Jacquie Underdown

  Matty laughed. “Leah, believe it or not, but no other girl I’ve ever slept with has lived up to that night.”

  Leah shook her head and grinned. “Are you serious?”

  He nodded, his face showing perfect conviction. “Absolutely. You scarred me for life. No wonder I can’t keep a bloody girlfriend.”

  Leah was flattered by his compliment—and at the same time apologetic for unwittingly making his sex-life so complicated. “I’m terribly sorry about that, Matty,” she said.

  “I’m not.”

  “Anyway, anyway,” she said trying to steer back to her original trail of thoughts. “In this coma life, at the football grand final actually, the fact of us losing our virginity to each other was revealed to Dad.”

  Matty’s face crinkled. “That’s my worst nightmare. I hope that isn’t a prediction of things to come.”

  Leah laughed, because she knew the outcome wasn’t at all like Matty would be imagining: blood and guts and his head on a platter.

  “Turned out that Dad has known all along about our little escapade,” she said.

  “Is that right?”

  “Not in reality of course, just in my head. But to be quite honest, I don’t have the audacity to test it out.”

  Matty shook his head adamantly. “Me neither.” He shifted in his chair and folded his hands behind his head. “So. This Brennan fellow. Was he good looking?”

  Leah laughed. “Are you being serious?”

  “Yes I am. Was he a good looking lad?”

  “Incredibly,” said Leah.

  Matty lowered his hands again to the table and looked at her with a cheeky grin. “Better looking than me? I need to know my real and imagined competition here.”

  Leah laughed loudly. “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I might be incriminated.”

  “I’ll take that as a yes then.”

  Leah shook her head. “You’re crazy.”

  “I’m crazy? Well what does that make you?” he said.

  For a moment Leah observed Matty, his familiar friendly face, his genuinely warm smile. “Thank you, Matty,” she said.

  He lowered his eyebrows with confusion, half smiling. “For what?”

  “For making me feel so comfortable and not looking at me as though I had recently escaped from Bedlam.”

  Matty inhaled deeply and then sighed. “I would never do that.”

  Leah shook her head, feeling her eyes glaze. “I know.”

  ***

  They drove back to the hardware shop so Leah could collect her car. They had been chatting for so long that the sun had already begun to set over the city and the air had cooled. In the car park behind the shop, Leah thanked Matty again for the wonderful afternoon.

  “I really enjoyed your company today,” said Matty.

  Leah nodded. “It was great.”

  Matty lowered his eyes to the ground before returning his suddenly anxious gaze to Leah. “It’s utterly obvious that I have feelings for you,” he said with a nervous grin. “I would love to be more than ‘just friends’, if of course you’re willing. Maybe I could start by taking you out to dinner?”

  Leah’s stomach twisted as she wondered if she had inadvertently led Matty on over the course of the afternoon. As much as she was flattered by his interest, she felt as though she would be betraying Brennan if she pursued any romantic interest. Regardless of whether Brennan was real or not.

  Taking a deep breath in, Leah decided to let Matty down as gently as she could. All in all he was a wonderful person. She did not want to hurt him, even in the slightest. “That sounds wonderful. And someday, down the track, I would love to do that with you. At the moment, though, I’m trying to concentrate on my therapy, and on healing and I think it wouldn’t be fair on you when my emotional state is so raw.”

  Matty nodded and smiled, but he couldn’t hide the disappointment in his eyes. “I understand. I do. When you feel up to it, give me a call. The offer is always open.”

  “Thanks.”

  He was silent for a moment, pensive as he watched her. He took a deep, somewhat impatient breath in. “You can’t put your life on hold forever for a man that is not here for you now,” he said, without any trace of his prior diplomacy.

  Leah didn’t speak as Matty’s words rang in her head. He spoke with a directness she hadn’t heard for a long time, and as much as she knew he was right, it still didn’t change her mind. She felt a current of emotion flow within her body. Moisture glossed her eyes. “I know you don’t understand, and I don’t expect that you ever will, but…”

  Matty’s eyes widened. “I do understand. Well, to an extent. I can hear in every word you speak how much you miss this man. But there is going to come a time when you’re going to have to move on.”

  Leah caught a tear with her hand as it rolled down her cheek. “I know that. But at the moment, I’m not ready.”

  Matty nodded, grinning apologetically, and placed his arms around Leah, pulling her in close. “I’m sorry for upsetting you. It’s just that for ten years I’ve been dancing around my feelings for you and I don’t want to do that anymore.”

  Leah buried her head into Matty’s chest, trying to stop the flow of tears and unintentionally relishing in the comfort his embrace was offering. “I’m sorry, Matty. But your timing sucks.”

  He leant down and kissed her on the cheek. “Well, the offer is always open. So if you ever change your mind, give me a call.”

  Leah pulled away and looked up into Matty’s earnest brown eyes. “I, um, better get going,” she said, pulled her keys out of her handbag and opening the car door. “See you, Matty.”

  “Bye, Leah.”

  Leah jumped into her car and drove home, her mind a tangle of thoughts. Her body had begun to ache with longing for Brennan’s touch. Just being in the presence of another man—feeling Matty’s warm embrace—made her miss the comfort and pleasure Brennan once offered. She missed him so deeply it hurt.

  How could she go on a date with a man when her body reacted so forcefully to the mere memory of another man? It wouldn’t be right to pursue a relationship with Matty, even if he had been her first ever lover, when her entire being craved the touch of another.

  Then there was the revelation regarding the Grand Final she had witnessed weeks before it happened in reality. She wondered if this was the final straw between sanity and insanity. Was she crazy? Was it all just a coincidence? It all seemed so harmless when she was talking to Matty about it. There was a reprieve in his enthusiasm of the unknown, but in the uninterrupted confines of her own mind, it all appeared a lot more sinister.

  Perhaps she had actually gone mad.

  Chapter 20

  Cait was already home from work, cooking, when Leah returned to the apartment. Leah plonked her handbag down on the dining table and attempted a smile as she came to stand opposite Cait at the bench.

  “Hi, Leah,” Cait said.

  “Hi. You’re home early.”

  “Yeah. You inspired me with your blueberry pancakes this morning. All day I felt like coming home to cook up a feast.”

  “Nice to know I can still inspire somebody,” said Leah.

  Cait added another ladleful of stock to a pot of Arborio rice on the stovetop behind her and came back to the bench. “What’s up? You seem a little down.”

  Leah slumped onto one of the sleek black stools that lined the bench. “I went and saw Dad today.”

  “How is he?”

  “He’s good. Great actually. Very happy to see me.”

  “I bet he was. And by the way, your hair looks brilliant. Suits you.”

  Leah smiled. “Thanks. That’s three out of three now who’ve said that.”

  “Dad, me, who was the third?” asked Cait.

  “Matty,” said Leah.

  Cait smiled. “Of course. Matty has always held a bit of a soft spot for you, hasn’t he?”

  Leah’s eyebrows rose higher. “He has?”

  Cait nodded.
<
br />   “I never knew that. Although after today…”

  Cait’s head cocked to the side and she grinned subtly. “Why what happened today?”

  “He kind of asked me on a date.”

  “Seriously? What did you say?”

  “I told him no.”

  Cait nodded. “Matty is a great guy. Maybe it wouldn’t be so terrible to date him. The first hurdle has already been overcome—Dad loves him.”

  Leah smiled, but still felt melancholy. “I suppose that’s one way to look at it.”

  “And he’s pretty cute in a tradie type of way. And you guys are already good friends. It kind of makes sense really.”

  Leah shook her head. “I’m not ready to date anyone.”

  Cait shrugged one shoulder. “Sure. I guess that’s understandable.”

  Leah stared out the kitchen window. Her mouth suddenly curled into a cheeky grin.

  “What?” Cait asked.

  Leah leaned forward, resting her elbows on the table. “In my little fantasy I’ve already told you about this, but I actually lost my virginity to Matty when I was nineteen.”

  Cait gasped, throwing a hand up to her mouth. “You’re joking.”

  Leah shook her head. “No, I’m afraid it’s the honest truth.”

  “When? Where?”

  Cait listened intently as Leah told her all the details of that Christmas night.

  “I can’t believe you lost your virginity to Matty,” she said.

  “I know.”

  “It could’ve been a lot worse. It could’ve been David Jensen like me. I mean I’m amazed his penis didn’t have pimples and wear glasses…” Cait stopped short as all colour drained from Leah’s face. “What’s the matter?” she asked, rushing around the bench.

  Leah closed her eyes. “That’s exactly what you said to me, when I told you this during my coma.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Absolutely sure. You said it the same, nearly to the letter.”

  “Isn’t that interesting? You must know my reactions really well,” said Cait.

  Leah nodded. “Yeah, I must.”

  Cait walked back around behind the bench and checked on the rice again. “Can you imagine how Dad would react if he knew?”

  Leah smiled tensely. “I’ve got a hunch that he already knows.”

  Chapter 21

  Leah arranged to go shopping with Danni so she could buy some better-fitting clothes. Leah met her in the foyer, excited to see her good friend but as always, somewhat deflated by the ever-present pangs of grief and longing.

  As Danni walked to meet her, her face broke into a wide smile.

  “Leah,” she exclaimed, throwing her arms around her. “You look so much better!”

  Danni lifted her hand to Leah’s hair and stroked it gently. “Your hair looks fantastic. Why did we ever think short hair wouldn’t suit you?”

  Leah laughed. “Probably because I had long hair for so many years. I couldn’t even imagine what short hair would look like.”

  “Well, I love it. You look great.”

  “Thanks.”

  They made their way down to the basement and climbed into Danni’s car.

  “I was so happy to hear from you last night. It’s been much too long since we’ve caught up,” said Danni.

  Leah turned to Danni. “I’m sorry for leaving it so long. I haven’t been in a good frame of mind. Many people I care about, including you, have been neglected because of it.”

  “I understand. It’s fine.”

  ***

  They drove to a large suburban shopping centre. For hours they chatted and shopped. They had dinner at a noodle bar, something they used to do regularly when they were housemates. With every passing moment, Leah could feel herself mending, sometimes not thinking of Brennan or her imaginary world for hours on end. However, even though she was thinking of him less and less, that subtle ache in her heart still lingered, just as strong, sitting always in the background, gently reminding her of what she had lost.

  Back in the car, heading to Cait’s apartment, Leah remembered something. “Can we stop off at a sports store? I need to pick up some running shoes.”

  Danni glanced at her. “Running shoes?”

  Leah smiled. “I know, I know, it sounds peculiar to even say it. But I’ve developed a little bit of a passion for taking a daily jog through the streets.”

  “How very interesting.”

  “Yes, my sentiments exactly.”

  ***

  A little while later they pulled up outside a sports store. Lee Sports Store.

  Turning to Danni, eyes wide, Leah asked, “Why did you choose this store?”

  Danni shrugged, pulling away. “Um. Because it’s on the way? And I thought I saw an advertisement that they’re having a sale this week. Why?”

  “No reason.”

  Taking a deep breath, she entered the store with Danni by her side.

  “Looks like running shoes over there along the back wall,” said Danni, pointing across the huge store.

  Leah didn’t answer; something on the other side of the store had caught her attention.

  “Leah, are you okay?”

  Leah’s face paled. “I—I just saw someone I know.”

  Leah turned back to what had caught her eye. Alex. He was standing next to a professional footballer, doing an in-store promotion on men’s training gear. She couldn’t believe her eyes. How vividly familiar Alex’s face was. How much he reminded her of Brennan.

  “Who is it?” asked Danni.

  Leah never removed her gaze from Alex. “That man there,” she said, motioning weakly with her head.

  “Ooh, he’s kind of cute for an older guy,” said Danni.

  Leah couldn’t believe Alex was here, looking exactly as she remembered him. If he was so familiar to Leah, she was convinced that he would have to know who she was too; that if she went over and said hello, he would immediately recognise her. He would tell her that Brennan hadn’t died, and that he missed her terribly.

  Not fully in control of her legs, she began to slowly make her way over to Alex.

  “Um, I’ll wait over near the shoes,” said Danni from behind.

  Leah didn’t acknowledge her and kept walking, as though hypnotised, towards Alex. As she neared him, in the centre of the busy store, he raised his head and gazed at her, offering a friendly smile.

  Leah smiled back, certain now that Alex knew who she was.

  Finally arriving in front of him, she said, “Hi, Alex.”

  His expression faltered slightly, a tiny margin of confusion crept in. “Hi. Have we met?” he asked.

  Leah smiled. He might need his memory jogged a fraction because, after all, she did used to have long hair and was at least ten kilograms heavier. She looked very different to how Alex would remember.

  “It’s Leah. Leah Shaw,” she answered, taking in the contours of his face, his blue eyes, overwhelming her with fresh memories of Brennan.

  He shook his head, zero recognition showing on his face. She could see that he had no clue at all who she was. “You will have to forgive me… Leah, was it?”

  Leah nodded, dazed.

  “I’m sorry, you have escaped my memory.”

  Leah’s legs wobbled. Her chest burned. He didn’t know who she was at all. “I’m sorry to have bothered you,” she said, voice cracking as tears started to mist her eyes.

  Alex’s kind face showed concern. “Are you okay?”

  Leah forced her face into as much of a smile as she could manage, but already a tear had escaped, spilling onto her cheek. “I’m fine.”

  “Can I call someone for you? Or I don’t know, um, get you a tissue?” he asked, discomposed by this unexpected display of emotion.

  Wiping the tears from her cheeks, she whispered through a constricted throat. “Sorry to bother you, Alex. You reminded me of my fiancé who passed away about six months ago. It—you—brought back a lot of painful memories. I’m sorry.”

  Alex
frowned. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

  Leah shook her head, forcing another smile through her tears, and turned away from him before he could see her crumble entirely. She picked up her pace, almost running from the store, unable to stop the sobs. How could she have been so delusional to believe that Alex would know who she was? As Leah made it out into the night air she wanted to scream and punch and kick and fight; Do anything but feel this pain.

  Danni ran after her. “Leah! What happened in there?”

  Leah shook her head. “Just get me out of here. Please.”

  Danni decisively took Leah by the arm and led her to the car.

  Leah had barely hopped in when she collapsed her head into her hands, crying.

  Danni started the engine, hands shaking. “Leah, honey. What’s the matter?”

  Leah didn’t answer. She couldn’t. She was lost to the torment of having had her hopes so brutally crushed. She felt as though she had fallen from the top of Mount Everest and was now lying bloodied and broken, so thoroughly and agonisingly disabused of the notion of ever seeing Brennan again.

  Finally Leah lifted her head out of her hands and wiped her cheeks with her T-shirt. She looked at Danni, her breaths still shuddering with sobs. “When I was in coma, I met the absolute love of my life and before—before I woke up, he died.”

  Danni’s face wrinkled with confusion.

  “I don’t expect you to understand it because, sure as fuck, I don’t understand it myself. But that man back there, in that shop, was his brother.”

  Danni nodded. “Okay.”

  Leah could see that Danni didn’t understand. She probably didn’t want to understand the ravings of a complete lunatic. She was probably thinking, like most others, that the accident had made Leah insane. That her brain damage was permanent and was making her act irrationally.

  And perhaps Danni and everyone else were right. Perhaps Leah was completely irrational and illogical, or stark raving mad, but it didn’t change how she was feeling. Mad or not, she still felt as though her heart had been ripped out of her chest.

  “Seeing him, reminded me of that man I fell in love with and I couldn’t deal with it,” she said apologetically, embarrassed that she could have caused such a scene in front of her friend.