Beautiful Illusion

by Jacquie Underdown

  Leah grinned, feeling a forgotten sense of excitement for the future. Matty interpreted this as a hesitation, quickly adding, “If that’s too soon, we can…”

  “It sounds great. Tomorrow will be perfect,” she said.

  “You’re sure?”

  “Yeah. Definitely.”

  “Great. Why don’t I stop in tomorrow around ten to pick you up?”

  “Sure.”

  There was a small moment of silence, before Matty asked, “Can I ask why you changed your mind about me?”

  “I’ll tell you all about it tomorrow. It’ll take care of conversation for hours.”

  “I’ll wait for tomorrow to find out then.”

  “See you at ten. Goodnight, Matty.”

  “Goodnight, Leah.”

  Chapter 22

  3 months later

  Dr Martinez shifted in her black leather chair, crossed her right leg over her left, lowered her glasses on her nose, and set her gaze on Leah. “I must say, you have come a very long way since our first session.”

  Leah smiled at the ceiling as she lay back against the couch. “Yeah, Doc, I have, and it’s only now because I’m through to the other side that I realise how far that trek has been. When I first came to see you four months ago, it was as though I was trapped in a dank, confined place with only one very small exit. Which, with your help, I finally found and squeezed my way through.”

  “That’s quite a wonderful analogy.”

  “Only wonderful because I’m no longer there.”

  “Well, of course,” she said, folding her legs again in the other direction. “I have already made a reassessment, but before I go through all that with you, I want to spend the first half of our session discussing various aspects of your life.” The doctor scribbled some notes across her pad. “Leah, you have been back at work for nearly two months now?”

  “Yes. Two months next week.”

  “And all is going well working with Cait again.”

  “Very well. Just like old times, except this time she is my boss and my pay isn’t half as much as hers,” Leah said with a giggle.

  “You’re coping with the interactions, the stresses that invariably come with the HR industry?”

  “The first month was difficult, but I soon got back into the swing of it all and now it feels like I haven’t had three years out of the industry. I’m starting to generate some new clients and am meeting most of my targets.”

  “In the long term, what are you plans for work?”

  “At this stage, I don’t feel confident taking on any further responsibility, so I’m happy to plod along in my current role. Down the track, things might change and I may want more, but right now I don’t foresee anything more.”

  “Right. So, friends and family? How are you on that front?”

  “It’s fine. No complaints, no issues.”

  “Your father is still okay with you and Matty having a relationship?”

  Leah laughed. “He loves it. He’s already planning grandchildren.”

  Dr Martinez laughed softly. “And how do you feel about giving him grandchildren?”

  “I’ll have to get married first.”

  “Of course.”

  “And then, sure, I’d love to have children.”

  “With Matty?”

  “If things work out between us. It’s still only early days yet.”

  “What about you and Cait? Is everything still progressing between you both since your confrontation?”

  Leah nodded and smiled. “We’re really tight again. It’s rather fantastic to have her back.”

  “I’m sure she feels the same,” the doctor said.

  “She does, she even said she is feeling sad that I’m moving out next month and getting an apartment on my own.”

  “That’s a very big step. Are you certain you’re ready for it?”

  “I need my privacy, especially now that Matty and I are together. Anyway, Cait told me that she and Greg are going to start trying for a baby soon. I definitely don’t want to get in the way of that.”

  “Of course not,” the Doc said. “Are you still exercising regularly, taking your vitamins and eating well? I know it can get a little difficult when you’re working full time.”

  “I’m doing all that. Matty has started jogging with me in the afternoons, which I really enjoy. I’m still taking my vitamins and eating well. I weighed myself this morning and have put on about six kilograms, so I’m getting back to where I was before the accident.”

  “I can see that you’ve come along in leaps and bounds. I’m very pleased with your progress. You should be proud of yourself.”

  “I am, Doc. It’s been a slow process, but I’m doing really well.”

  The doctor paused for a moment, allowing a silence to settle over the small confines of her office. “I guess the big question is: how do you feel about Brennan now?”

  Leah paused. “Truthfully, I miss him every day and I don’t think that will ever change. However, every day it gets a little easier. I’ve realised that it’s okay to miss him, but I can also live my life and keep going forward, instead of clinging to the past.”

  “That’s a very logical, rational outlook. Have you had any particularly difficult moments you would like to tell me about? Anything at all that you are struggling with?”

  Leah took a deep breath. “Um, yeah,” she said.

  “Tell me about it.”

  “I don’t feel proud about this and I’ve regretted it every day since.”

  The doctor prompted her to continue.

  “It was the Saturday after last week’s session and I was really tired. Matty and I had been round the city, doing all sorts of things. My leg was aching and I wasn’t feeling one hundred per cent. You know what I mean?”

  “Sure, Leah. We all have those days.”

  Leah rubbed her eyes with her hands.

  “Matty was staying over that night and while we were—were making love, I closed my eyes tightly and allowed myself to believe that it was Brennan I was making love to. Feeling his touch, his body, tasting him, his warmth inside me. It felt so good but at the same time, it scared the hell out of me. I’ve come so far and I’m resorting to stupid mind games. Poor Matty doesn’t deserve that. He’s been nothing but supportive and loving and incredibly understanding, and I go and pretend I’m making love to someone else. I can’t help but feel as though I’ve betrayed him.”

  The doctor contemplated Leah’s words. “That’s definitely a major shift in your perception.”

  “How do you mean?”

  “A couple of months ago, can you remember? You came into the office crying because Matty had wanted to consummate your relationship. You backed out because it felt like too much of a betrayal to Brennan. Now, two months later, you’re thinking the opposite, that to simply imagine another man, to imagine Brennan, is a betrayal of Matty.”

  “I never thought of it that way.”

  “It shows me that you’re developing deep emotions for Matty and that can only be considered a positive step. I know that you have come a long way, but it would be impractical to think that, from time to time, you’re not going to slip up, or feel overemotional, or have a bad day and miss Brennan so much that you imagine him in bed with you. Progress takes time.”

  Leah smiled. “Yeah. I guess so.”

  “From what you’ve told me, I think we’re at a very good place with respects to your treatment and recovery. I think that we can start tapering down our sessions to once a month for the next six months and then, after that time, I will make another assessment and decide on our next move.”

  “That’s fantastic news. I really appreciate the time you’ve spent with me over the last four months helping me get my life back.”

  “You did all the hard work, Leah.”

  “Either way, I’m grateful for your support.”

  “My pleasure.”

  ***

  After the session ended, Leah drove to the hardware shop to
pick up Matty from work, an excited buzz lighting every nerve ending. He was going to spend the night with her at Cait’s, which was starting to become a regular routine for them. She arrived at her dad’s shop at around three. Matty met her inside with a huge smile on his face.

  “Hey, Lee,” he said, clasping his arms around her waist and cuddling her tightly. He kissed her once on the lips.

  “Hi.”

  “How did you go? How was your session?” he asked, brown eyes wide and warm.

  “Dr Martinez is extremely happy with my progress. So much so, I don’t need to see her for another month.”

  He kissed her again. “That’s really good news.”

  Leah’s smile was wide. “I know. Cait will be happy too, now that I don’t have to take every Friday afternoon off.”

  Matty kissed her again, this time on the cheek. “Let me just finish up here and then we can get going. Your Dad’s somewhere around the place too, if you want to say hello and tell him the good news.”

  Leah watched Matty strut away, reflecting on the sharp U-turn her life had taken. Just nine months earlier, she had been heading in no real direction: floundering along in a personal assistant role, with no boyfriend, living with Danni in a suburb impractically far from the city, and holding, deep in her heart, bitter resentment towards her sister. It took the impact of a truck and an ambulance to change everything.

  As she had intuited long before her birthday, the old Leah hadn’t lasted beyond thirty; instead, she crawled out of her cocoon to emerge afresh. There were still some remnants of the caterpillar Leah once was, but for the most part, the butterfly she had become was vastly different.

  Gone was the burden of emotions and hurt she had held since the day her mother died, compounded since Antony had betrayed her and Cait. Gone were the long golden tresses that cast her in her late mother’s image, replaced with an individual style Leah hadn’t felt compelled to express before.

  In her life was a wonderful man, Matty. She doubted she would have given herself over to him before the accident, but now she was falling in love. She had gained a new perspective and saw her life from a completely different angle. She was unwilling to take that for granted.

  She owed this transformation to Brennan, to her life in a coma dream. There, she had been forced to deal with her emotions rather than bury them inside. There, she learned how to love again, with all of her heart and all of her soul—and to never take that love for granted because one day, you might wake up and that person you love so intensely would be gone. She owed her life, her new life, her best life, to Brennan and his memory.

  “Hey, darling.”

  Leah blinked and refocused. “Hi, Dad. Sorry, I was daydreaming.”

  “You were definitely off with the fairies.”

  Leah smiled at her Dad’s kind, wrinkled face and was suddenly compelled to lean over and kiss him on the cheek. “I love you, Dad.”

  “I love you too, Lee Lee,” he replied, eyebrows arching.

  She smiled. “I was just thinking how lucky I am.”

  “I often have that same thought.”

  “I never used to, though,” she said. “Never before the accident did I think I was lucky. I was so complacent with my life and everything in it.”

  “That’s the way it works, unfortunately. Sometimes you have to lose something you can’t live without before you realise how much you really do have.”

  Leah nodded. “And every single day, you thank whatever omnipotent entity controls our destiny for life’s beautiful blessings, because you know how hard it would be if they were gone.”

  Ronny sighed. “It’s an honest and ruthless lesson to learn.”

  Leah rolled her eyes. “Tell me about it.”

  Matty came back into the room, his face lighting up as he saw Leah. He rested his arm gently around her waist and kissed her on the cheek. “Have I ever thanked you, Ronny, for producing such a gorgeous daughter?”

  Ronny laughed heartily. “No you haven’t, but you’re welcome.”

  Matty turned to Leah, “We might head off, hey?”

  Leah nodded.

  “Alright, love. I’ll see you when I see you,” said Ronny.

  They said their goodbyes and drove to Cait’s apartment in the city.

  Once at home Matty headed to the bathroom to take a shower and change out of his work clothes while Leah searched through the fridge and pantry to find something to have for dinner. Settling on fettuccine carbonara, she went to her bedroom to change into her exercise gear so she could take Ralph for a run. As she squeezed herself into her tight razorback singlet her mobile rang. She dashed to pick it up.

  “Hello.”

  “Leah Shaw?” asked a voice.

  “Speaking.”

  “Hi Leah, it’s Janine. Calling from the office of Dr Martinez.”

  “Hi. What can I help you with?”

  “Dr Martinez wanted me to give you a call to see if you could possibly come back into the office today.”

  “Today? What’s the matter?”

  “I don’t know the full details, but she did say the matter was important. There is something she wants to discuss with you regarding your treatment. She is hoping that you can make it here as soon as possible.”

  “If I leave now, I should get there in about twenty minutes.”

  “I’m sorry for the inconvenience. We’ll see you soon.”

  “Sure. Bye.”

  Matty strolled out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Leah snapped her phone closed and sighed. “Um, I need to pop back up to the hospital to see Dr Martinez.”

  “Something wrong?” asked Matty.

  “I don’t know exactly. I was talking to the receptionist and she didn’t know much, only that it’s fairly important.”

  “Oh,” said Matty.

  “I know. Do you want to come with me, or just wait here?”

  “I might just wait here. I can take Ralph for his walk.”

  Leah squirmed out of her singlet and threw on her t-shirt. “Yeah, that sounds good. I shouldn’t be long.”

  She grabbed her bag and keys off the bed, kissed Matty quickly and went downstairs to her car.

  ***

  Leah arrived at the hospital about twenty minutes later, as promised. As the elevator rose, she felt nervous. What would be so important that it couldn’t wait until Monday? She took a few deep breaths to curb her anxiety as she anticipated what the doctor might say. ‘Sorry, Leah, but I suddenly realised that you are insane. We will be locking you up immediately.’

  Leah shuddered.

  The doors hissed open onto the third floor and Leah headed down the long hall to the doctor’s pokey waiting room, so familiar now. Janine, at the reception desk, asked Leah to take a seat and wait.

  Leah sat on one of the pale blue chairs and waited. For ten minutes she sat, staring into space, her stomach in knots, picturing straitjackets, drug-laden needles and white padded cells. After twenty minutes, she picked up a magazine from the little coffee table and began to flick through the pages. After thirty minutes, she began to tap her foot and fidget. She looked at her watch. It was nearly five. She would have to fight the peak hour traffic to get home.

  Frustrated, she stood and walked back to Janine. “I’m sorry, but I’ve been waiting half an hour. Can we possibly reschedule this?”

  Janine gave an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry. Dr Martinez did say that it was rather important, so it’s best that you stick around. Her current patient will be finishing anytime now, so I expect she will be seeing you then.”

  Leah nodded with a frown. “Sure.”

  As she made her way back to the four lonely, pale-blue chairs, the latch on Dr Martinez’s door clicked. Her patient had finally finished. Leah’s heart pounded. She hastened her step to avoid an awkward moment with the other patient, silently pleading their sanity to one another and each secretly assuming the other is the crazy one.

  Leah took a seat and opened her magazine, flick
ing blindly through the pages. The door opened completely. She could hear the familiar end-of-session chit-chat.

  “Book your next session with Janine, and I’ll see you next week,” said Dr Martinez.

  Leah kept her eyes down.

  “Thank you,” came the patient’s voice. Male, husky. Comforting. Familiar.

  Leah snapped her head up to try to see the patient, but they were not far enough out of the hall for her to see. Her heart was racing. She took a deep breath and tried to tell herself that the familiarity of the voice was in her imagination, but she still needed to make sure.

  “How’s next Friday?” the voice asked.

  Leah wanted to stand up, but her rationality and logic forced her back. It wouldn’t be him. She had been through this so often and had invariably come off second best. But she couldn’t stop her heart racing or the hope swelling within her.

  Footsteps came, long strides down the hall. She watched the tall man, with black hair, turn sharply right towards Janine’s reception desk. She could feel her breath quicken and her eyelids flutter. It couldn’t be real, but he looked so much like him.

  Chapter 23

  She watched the man from behind. His broad shoulders, his incredible tan. Sure, he was a little thinner, but it was him. She was sure of it. Could have bet her life on it.

  Slowly, trancelike, Leah stood up, unable to take her eyes off of him. She waited for him to sense her presence and turn around, but he was talking to Janine, booking his next appointment. She wanted to yell his name, but she needed to be sure.

  Silently, she willed him to turn around.

  Finally, as though in slow motion, he turned on his heel, casually turning around. He had his head down. He raised his head and they were finally face to face. As though completely magnetised, she took two steps forward and blinked away the tears that had sprung in her eyes.

  She parted her lips and softly breathed, “Brennan?”

  Leah watched the man’s face for the recognition she was agonisingly anticipating. Aching for. His storm-blue eyes widened. His mouth dropped open. He stumbled forward one step and stopped. “Leah,” he said, almost inaudible. He closed his eyes and shook his head, before opening them again. “Leah, my beautiful Leah. Is it really you?”