Miles knew that wouldn't be a good idea. He didn't want someone snooping around his personal life even if Lawrence was causing his heart to flutter. Being private was the only thing that allowed him to keep his family and job. He went to tell Lawrence he could mind his own business, but Lawrence was already out the barn door and out of site.
Miles wasn't sure if this was a test or not anymore. Maybe Cara had sent Lawrence to try and force him out of the closet? Maybe they were starting to suspect something. Miles shook his head; he was way overreacting to this, and he knew it. Still, Miles wasn't going to fall for it. He was going to stay strong and not fall for any tricks not matter how cute the trickster. He would have to make it a point to let Lawrence know to keep his nose out of his business. Keeping his secret was too important.
Chapter 5
Staying out of everyone's way was the best plan to keep secrets. Avoiding Lawrence became the new standard and Miles had done a great job keeping away from Cara's brother. Thankfully, he was usually quiet, so Derek hadn't noticed anything different.
Derek and Cara were holding most the conversations while Lawrence seemed to be always looking at Miles. Lawrence had talked to him a few times, mostly small talk but Miles was determined not to let Lawrence in. Too bad he couldn't stop thinking about those beautiful green eyes, those green eyes that were causing him frustration in ways he had never felt before.
Miles decided not to join the rest of them while they went on another hike. He found an excuse to stay at the cabin, saying he wasn't feeling very well. When he was on his own he began to organize the place, out of the mess he was feeling for Lawrence, he found he needed to have some order. He cleaned nearly the entire cabin and still couldn't stop his mind from wondering to Lawrence. He knew he wasn't good with people, and that was a reason he knew he had so few friends.
By the time, the rest of the group returned from the hike Miles had cleaned every last corner in the main section of the cabin, the bathrooms, and some of the bedrooms, but it had done nothing except make him upset.
When the group returned, they were all laughing about something. Miles planted a smile on his face; maybe he should try not to isolate himself so much. Maybe he should try to have a little fun on this trip.
“How was the hike?” Miles asked.
"You would know if you had walked with us," Lawrence mumbled. Lawrence looked upset or maybe angry.
Cara pushed him lightly and rolled her eyes, “Be nice.”
“I’m sorry,” Miles said. “I shouldn’t have come on this vacation.” Miles suddenly felt guilty and couldn’t help but look down. He had isolated himself and was becoming more of a bother than good company. “I should have stayed home instead of being a bother. I know I don't fit in.”
Miles hurried up the stairs, determined not lose it in front of everyone. When he got to his room, he closed the door gently and turned only to run into one of the shelves that held several of the figurines. One of them fell to the floor with a crash and Miles closed his eyes hoping it was not broken.
He went over to the figure, lifted it off the ground, and felt horribly guilty. The small deer he held in his hand was missing its left ear. Miles began looking over the floor couldn't find the other piece, and he didn't know if it was like that already or if he was the one to break it.
He held the figurine in his hand and started to cry, something he hadn't done in a long time. It was something that was long overdue. He hated his life. He hated being tied to his brother. He hated that he was gay, and not a single soul knew it. He hated the tears that fell down his face and the shame he felt knowing they would not stop anytime soon.
A knock came at the door. Miles quickly pawed at his face trying to calm himself down and wipe away the evidence that he had been crying. The door cracked open and the last person he expected to see appeared in the doorway.
Lawrence softly asked, "Are you okay?"
"Fine," Miles said softly. He realized his voice cracked, so he cleared his throat and tried again, "I'm fine." He pretended to look around the floor again, avoiding eye contact because he knew he looked ridiculous with swollen eyes when he cried.
Lawrence stood at the door for a long time, not moving. Miles wished he would either say what he came to say or go away. He was about to tell him that when Lawrence asked, "What are you looking for?"
Miles held up the figurine. "I think when I ran into the shelf I broke his ear."
"Let me see." Lawrence came over and took the figure from him. A smile spread over Lawrence’s face as if lost in a good memory. "It was Mother's favorite."
Great. Miles needed more guilt and reasons for Lawrence to despise him. Maybe he could catch a flight back home tonight. Miles was about to call it quits when Lawrence continued. "This was one of those rare and expensive figurines." Lawrence looked at Miles, and something shined his eyes; perhaps tears. Great, not only had Miles had broken an expensive and rare figurine but one that caused Lawrence to be upset. "You didn't break it; it was broken a long time ago." Miles felt relief that this wasn't entirely his fault. "I was ten when she came home with it. She was so happy she had found this and it instantly went to her glass-protected case.
"About a week later we had a fight, something stupid and I remember telling her she loved her figurines more than me. Being the brat I was, I threw some of the figurines across the room. But Mom didn't go to the figurines on the floor she came to me. She wrapped her arms around me and said she would always love my sister and me more than anything else in the world."
Lawrence looked back down at the figure. Miles liked how Lawrence looked when he told the story and wished someone would think of him with half that much affection. "When she had finally calmed me down, we went over to see if the figurines were okay. The only one broken was this deer. She gave me the figurine saying, ‘Hold onto this to remember that no matter what I will always love you.'" Lawrence smiled again. "My mother always surprised me by showing me how much she loved me. When I came out of the closet, I was positive she would hate me and tell me never to come back. She even stood up and left the room, and I was sure she would never want to see me again. Instead, she came back with his small deer and handed to me without a word. She didn't need to say anything I knew what it meant."
“Your mom didn’t hate you?” Miles asked.
"No, my mother didn't hate me," Lawrence said. This changed something in Miles, maybe the family wasn't going to leave him, maybe Derek would still be there if he finally came out.
"I'm sorry I hit on you. I know it made you very uncomfortable to be hit on by a man. I'm not a freak, you don't have to be homophobic around me, and I’m not going to give you AIDs or turn you gay. I already have your brother making it clear he doesn't like me." Lawrence half smiled again, "And you think you’re the one that doesn't fit in."
Miles realized they were sitting there staring at each other and Miles quickly said, "At least your family knows who you are," Miles looked down at the floor. He had been alone for so long, and now he wanted to tell at least one person who he was. “Can I tell you something? Can you promise not to say anything to anyone, not even Cara?” Lawrence nodded. Miles felt he could trust him; not sure how to say what he wanted but decided to spill it. "I stared at you because you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen." Miles didn’t look away from the floor to afraid to meet Lawrence’s eyes, how lonely he had been, how much he wanted a connection with someone else. "I was so jealous when you said you wanted to be with the cowboy."
Lawrence didn't say anything. Miles heard movement and were sure that Lawrence would leave, most likely weirded out by Miles confession. Miles looked up, expecting to see Lawrence ready to leave the room but instead found Lawrence moving closer.
"You were jealous?" Lawrence asked. Miles could only nod. "I only said that to see if you were attracted to men too, trying to make small talk to see if I had even had a chance with you."
"With me?"
Lawrence sat on the floor next to him. "Doe
s Derek know?"
Miles could only stare at those eyes nothing else seemed to matter, "Know what?"
"About you? Being attracted to men, I mean."
Miles shook his head. "Please don't tell him."
Lawrence smiled again, showing a small dimple. "I promise, I won't say anything."
That's when Lawrence did the most unexpected thing; he leaned in and kissed Miles. Miles had no idea what took over him, but he found himself kissing Lawrence back.
Something inside him began to clear his lust hazed mind and he suddenly pulled back, "No, we can't."
Lawrence looked confused for a moment but nodded. He stood up and headed for the door. "I would like to get to know you better and maybe be friends."
Miles didn't know what to say to that, so he only nodded. When Lawrence left Miles raised his hand and traced his fingers over his lips. He'd had his first kiss with a man.
And it couldn't have felt better.
Chapter 6
The rest of the night Miles hid in his room. Derek checked on him to make sure he was okay and make sure he knew that he was wanted here on the vacation. He loved his brother, but Miles knew that he could be an inconvenience at times. His brother was always taking care of him.
But Miles couldn’t stop thinking about Lawrence. He tried to think that Lawrence was a spy trying to pull him out of the closet. But Miles knew that wasn’t true, he just needed to make Lawrence the bad guy so he would stop thinking of him. But he couldn’t stop thinking of the kiss over and over again. The feel of Lawrence's soft lips, the scruff as it ran over his face, the smell of his cologne.
Finally getting enough courage to leave his room and enough of thinking about one kiss, Miles slowly opened his door. When he heard people moving around and smelled the undeniable scent of breakfast food, he realized how hungry he had been. As he entered the kitchen Cara and Derek stopped moving, they both looked at him for a moment. The spell seemed to break when Cara slowly approached him and wrapped her arms around Miles.
"I'm so sorry we didn't make you feel welcome or made you feel uncomfortable." Cara finally let him go from the death grip. "I shouldn't have sent Lawrence, I should have checked on you myself, but he insisted on talking to you."
"He was fine, I'm fine," Miles said quickly. He didn’t want to start thinking about Lawrence’s kiss again.
That was when Lawrence walked in and poured himself some coffee. As he took a sip of the warm liquid, Miles realized how badly he wanted some too. Although he wasn't sure what he wanted more, Lawrence or the coffee. Miles knew he would have to talk to Lawrence. He would have to find a way to explain that he was scared, that he was in the closet, and would probably never come out. He couldn't risk his family, his job, his life.
There was silence for a moment, and Miles realized that he had been asked a question.
"Is it?"
Miles had no idea how to answer a question he hadn't heard. He had been too busy thinking and staring at Lawrence.
Lawrence said, "Maybe we should go head to the waterfall, see the forest around the cabin and head into town later to grab groceries."
"Well Miles, is that what you want to do?"
Miles nodded. "That sounds perfect."
He headed over to the coffee pot in hopes of stealing a moment of Lawrence's time, but Lawrence wouldn't look at him and quickly left the kitchen. Perhaps the kiss didn't mean as much to Lawrence as it did to Miles, maybe Lawrence even regretted it. Miles felt his heart sink. Lawrence obviously had so much more experience, even in the dating scene, that Miles was sure it had to be him. Most likely he was a bad kisser or more likely did something wrong.
Miles realized he'd forgotten his book upstairs, and now he was getting a headache. It seemed that all his thoughts had gone to a tall, green-eyed man whose kiss could wipe away all rational thought.
After breakfast, all of them started out on the hiking trail. Lawrence and Cara shot ahead, moving through the woods as if they knew these paths inside and out. Hiking in a group Cara and Lawrence ended up slowing down for Miles and Derek teasing them that they were city boys.
Miles was so busy trying not to slip on every rock that he missed Lawrence coming back to walk next to him.
"I'm sorry about last night," Lawrence said. Miles started to shake his head and tell him differently, but Lawrence continued. "I shouldn't have kissed you like that."
"You mean to sweep me off my feet?" Miles slipped on a rock at that same moment, and thankfully Lawrence caught him before he hit the ground.
"I see," Lawrence said. Both of them laughed. "Why aren't you wearing boots? Or at least sneakers?"
"I like wearing dress shoes," Miles said. "I'm comfortable in a tie and suit."
"Why didn't you wear something more comfortable? You’re on vacation and here to relax."
"I like looking good, even at home I relax in my suit with a robe and slippers."
"That doesn't sound relaxing in the least." Lawrence extended his hand to help Miles over the next climb of boulders. "That sounds very..."
"If you say dapper, I will kick you with my wingtip loafer."
Lawrence let out a laugh. "I was going to say gentlemanly, but I guess dapper works too."
Miles started laughing too as they continued walking through the rocky terrain.
"I think you look really good." Lawrence smiled. Miles felt himself blush at the compliment. He wasn't used to compliments, especially from another man.
The rest of the hike went by too fast. Miles and Lawrence got to spend time getting to know one another better. Both of them had a lot in common, except Lawrence was a lot more open about his sexuality and experienced in relationships.
As they approached the cabin, they saw Derek and Cara getting into the car. Miles rushed forward, worried that something happened, that something was wrong. When he got to the car, he tapped on the glass causing Cara to jump then laugh as she rolled down the window.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," Miles said. "Is everything okay?"
"Oh," Cara said with a smile. "Everything is great, we were going to head into town to grab more groceries. We noticed we were running low. I thought you guys were still on the trail. Did you want to come with us?"
Miles shook his head. "I only wanted to make sure everyone was okay. I can stay and watch the cabin."
"Lawrence, you want to come with us?" Cara asked, looking over Miles' shoulder.
"No," Lawrence said. Miles felt his heartbeat speed up. That was the answer Miles' wanted to hear. "I'll stay and keep Miles company."
"See you in a few." Cara waved as they drove away.
Miles' heart fluttered in his chest. They would be alone in the cabin for a couple hours at least; the town store was at least an hour’s drive away.
What could the two of them do with all that time?
Chapter 7
They were alone, no Derek, no Cara. Miles found himself hiding in his room afraid of the man in the living room. He didn't know how to be alone with a man he was crushing on so he decided to be alone.
The kiss, the walk, the conversation…the kiss. All of it played over and over in Miles' head as he sat in his slowly darkening room as the sun began to set. Another day nearly over, another day of hiding and secrets. Even if for a moment he’d felt free to talk to Lawrence, Miles still found himself hiding the parts he was most ashamed to let out.
Green eyes danced in his vision; cologne filled his breath, soft lips shuttered against his.
A small knock on the door caused Miles jump. He quickly looked at his tie to make sure it was straight and brushed off his dress pants before pulling open the door. Lawrence’s gorgeous face looked back at him from the doorway.
"Are you hiding from me?" Lawrence asked. Miles shrugged. He had been found out and didn't want to lie. "Do you mind if I come in?"
Miles hesitated to block the entrance to the room. He didn't know if he could handle Lawrence in his room. He didn't know if he could allow Lawrence into his l
ife.
"Why are you so scared of me?"
"I'm not afraid of you," Miles said softly, not even sure if Lawrence would hear him. "I'm afraid of what you think of me; I'm afraid that I'll never stop thinking about you."
"Then stop thinking." Lawrence stepped closer, his warm breath heating Miles' lips. "Start feeling."
Lawrence stood not moving as if waiting for Miles to make the decision whether or not he wanted the kiss. Miles finally gave in closing the small space between them. A soft touch of lips as if Lawrence was afraid the Miles would push him away again. But Miles wanted this, he needed this. To feel something besides shame for who he was. If only for a moment he wanted to get lost in the sensations of another man.
Miles deepened the kiss pulling Lawrence closer to him. He held Lawrence close to him until he needed a breath. They pulled apart from one another, breathless. Miles was sure his heart would never slow down.
Chapter 8
Before they could continue kissing the door opened downstairs, and Lawrence stepped back. Miles missed the warmth but knew that it was a good idea. He couldn't risk being caught. He needed to find a way to tell his brother and Lawrence seemed to understand that.
Lawrence headed to the kitchen first and Miles did his best to slow down his racing heart. As he went into the kitchen, Cara was talking.
"I got a lot of health food stuff from the store; I wasn't sure what you would like. But I have this great recipe I want to try out tonight." Cara poured herself a glass of orange juice. "You seem..." Cara looked at Lawrence for a moment. "Glowing."
Miles blushed and headed to the fridge trying to hide his face. Thankfully Derek came into the kitchen then, sweeping Cara into his arms and showering her with kisses. Miles turned away, wondering what it would be like. He looked over at Lawrence, who was looking at him now with a half smile on his face.
Miles couldn't help but feel hope that Lawrence would pull him into his arms like that and cover him with kisses. Lawrence only gave him a wink and slid next to Miles and leaned on the counter.
The Cabin Getaway: Contemporary Sweet Romance (Short Story) Page 3
