It was probably better that Lawrence didn't sweep in and carry Miles away. It was the logical thing to do when one of them was buried in the closet, but that didn't stop his mind from wondering what it would be like to have Lawrence to kiss him anyway. Miles looked at Lawrence and Lawrence gazed back. The moment almost seemed frozen in time, and Miles was sure that Lawrence would kiss him.
"What's the plan for tomorrow?" Derek said. That pulled Miles away from the moment, and he moved away from Lawrence, knowing he was too much of a temptation to resist.
"I thought we could head up to Kenosha Pass," Cara answered. "The leaves should be fully changed, and I always wanted to see it in the fall."
"If you want to see it, then I’ll take you." Derek kissed Cara gently on the nose.
The rest of the night was spent getting dinner ready and playing card games. Miles found himself watching Lawrence and hoping that maybe later they could steal away for another kiss. But it didn’t happen, at least not this night.
In the morning, it was a whirlwind of everyone getting ready and Miles doing his best to keep his mind off Lawrence. Maybe it was better if he didn't know what Lawrence was thinking, especially if he thought it was a mistake. It wasn't a mistake to Miles. Lawrence was his first male kiss, and he was hoping to spend more time with him before the vacation ended.
Derek took the driver's seat, and Cara sat in the passenger seat next to him. Miles sat on one side of the rear of the Jeep; the middle had been piled with their coats, scarfs, hats, and gloves in case it was cold when they got there. Lawrence moved the pile to one side and ended up taking the middle seat right next to Miles.
As they rode to Kenosha pass, Lawrence brushed his hand over Miles' fingers or the side of his leg. Miles couldn't think straight; the small contact made him feel alive as his heart would flutter with every soft touch. He was having a hard time focusing on the conversation and not the touches from Lawrence.
Even though the drive was beautiful, Miles' focus was on the fingers intertwined with his. Small towns passed by, with names like Fairplay and Jefferson. One even had a name he recognized, South Park.
Kenosha Pass was breathtaking. The aspen leaves had turned yellow with bright red patches. There was very little parking and already the trailhead was packed with people. It wasn't hard to see why it was beautiful here. Yellow leaves as far as the eye could see made it look like a sea of fall. The colors alone took Miles' breath away, and he knew there was nowhere in the world quite like it.
They all piled out of the car and started down the aspen-lined trail. Miles found himself wandering on his own through the colorful trees.
As he wandered, he found himself under a bridge of bright yellow branches that arched over the path. To his surprise, the leaves began to fall around him as the wind picked up, and he found himself reaching up and laughing. There was no way this was real.
"You look so breathtaking." Miles spun around to see Lawrence standing behind him. Lawrence pulled him into his arms and kissed him. They kissed as the gold leaves glittered around them. Miles realized suddenly this had been worth the trip, Lawrence and this moment in the falling leaves.
"Wait." Miles pulled back suddenly. "What if someone sees us?"
"Derek and Cara are setting up a picnic area past the trees." Lawrence pointed to the left. "I haven't seen another person walking this way."
"Still," Miles said, "we should probably find your sister and my brother before they come looking for us. Besides, I'm pretty hungry."
Lawrence looked like he was about to argue or say something else, but Miles rushed away in the search of the spot of the picnic. The area was perfect on a slope looking down at the sea of yellow trees while they ate.
Too bad Miles couldn't get lost in all the beauty around him. Lawrence looked upset, and Miles knew it was his fault. After all, it was him who ended the kiss. It was him that walked away from the magic of the romantic forest falling around them. It was him who was hidden in the closet.
Lawrence avoided him as they walked through the trails. Even on the car ride back Lawrence didn't sit as close to him and no soft brushes of fingers over his skin.
It wasn't like this relation would last anyhow. There was no chance for them. Maybe it was better this way.
Chapter 9
Miles had tried to talk to Lawrence, but he couldn't seem to get time alone with him. Not talking was starting to drive Miles crazy; especially since he didn't want to leave the first semi-relationship he'd had not talked to each other.
The next morning, Lawrence was reading something in the kitchen when Miles came down from his bedroom. His eyes looked sad, lonely and Miles knew that feeling too well.
Miles cleared his throat and asked, "Where are Cara and Derek?"
"They left a note." Lawrence showed Miles the piece of paper he was reading. "I guess Cara wanted to see a sunrise over the Hoosier pass before all the leaves disappeared. They didn't want to wake us since it was long before dawn when they left."
Lawrence set the note down and started heading out of the kitchen. Miles reached for him grabbing his arm. Maybe it was desperation or needing Lawrence to know that he still cared, but he couldn't let what they had end like this.
"Lawrence," Miles said. "May we talk?"
"There isn't anything to talk about."
"I don't want to leave like this."
"You're not leaving anything," Lawrence said. "We only kissed, it wasn't like this was going anywhere."
"You're more than that to me," Miles said, and he meant it. "You are my first, my first kiss, my first everything. Please...I can't go knowing you hate me."
"I don't hate you," Lawrence said. His green eyes were sad as he turned to look at Miles. "It's just..." Lawrence looked down at the floor. "I've been out of the closet for a long time, and I can't hide who I want to be with, it's not who I am."
"I don't want you to hide who you are. I just can't be there with you."
"Why?" Lawrence looked up at him, tears shining in his eyes. "Am I so terrible that you have to hide me?"
"It's not you..."
"If you say 'it's me' I'm walking away."
Miles sighed. "I can't come out, my brother, my job, the life I've built..." That was the moment that Miles realized that even though he had built that life, he was starting to think it wasn't worth it anymore. He was always alone and constantly hiding behind secrets. "I want to stop hiding, but I'm so scared of losing everything. And hiding has already made me lose you."
Miles leaned in this time, taking Lawrence's face in his hands and kissing him. He put all the emotions and feelings into the kiss he couldn't say. He wanted Lawrence to know how he felt but could never express because he didn't know how.
Lawrence pulled him in closer and deepened the kiss. Apparently Miles wasn't the only one who needed this; he wasn't the only one who had feelings to express. Lawrence lifted Miles into his arms and carried him to the living room coach. Lawrence's weight felt right on him. But through the daze of passion Miles pushed away for a moment to see the desperation in Lawrence's green eyes. Miles pulled him back in again. They needed this.
Lawrence's weight suddenly disappeared from off of Miles. He went to reach for him, afraid that Lawrence was walking away again, except something wasn't right.
"What’s going on here?" someone yelled.
It took a moment to realize that Derek and Cara had returned.
Miles wanted to lie, to tell Derek that it wasn’t what he thought. "We...we were kissing."
"Kissing?" Derek said, stepping back. Cara looked like she was hiding a smile.
"Yes, Derek, we were kissing."
"But...but you’re not gay."
Everything was finally catching up with him. Guess there wasn't any hiding anymore. He looked at Lawrence, and he felt the strength he needed to tell his brother.
"Yes, Derek," Miles said. "I'm gay."
"Since when?" Derek asked as if it was a choice.
"Always." Miles helped
Lawrence up. "I've always been attracted to men."
He started up the stairs with Lawrence. Miles took them into his room and sat Lawrence on the bed. "I'm so sorry. If Derek..."
"Derek didn't hurt me; it was more of a surprise." Lawrence reached up and traced his hand over Miles' face. "I'm sorry about you having to tell your brother."
"It's better this way." Miles sat next to Lawrence on the bed. "I was starting to get tired of hiding behind the lies anyway."
A knock on the door caused them both to jump. Miles went to the door and pulled it open to find Derek standing outside.
"I wanted to apologize, I was shocked," Derek said. Miles opened the door and Derek stepped inside the bedroom. "You could have told me. I will always be your brother."
Derek pulled Miles in for a hug, something they hadn't done since they were kids when Miles had broken his wrist and Derek told him it would be okay, just like now. Derek’s way of saying he would always be there for him.
"Don't forget to pack. We have to get to the airport early." Derek left them alone together in the room without another word. Miles knew that Derek was fine with him being gay, that Miles had built it up to be so much worse that it was. He was loved.
Outside there was a bright glow; Miles sat up to see the moon. Cara had been right, by the end of the vacation the moon lit up the outside like a dark sun.
“You could always stay in Colorado with me, I would love for you to move in, I have an extra room and I could use help with the shop.”
Miles didn’t say anything, hearing that was not something he expected. Could he do that? Could he leave his career and brother and move to Colorado? Miles looked down. They both knew the answer was no.
Miles found himself being pulled toward the bed. Lawrence and Miles both lay back and held each other. There was loneliness in Lawrence's eyes; one that Miles knew was reflected in how own. A silent knowing that no matter how much they liked each other time was limited. Time and fate had different plans for them when the vacation was over. The cabin would soon only be a memory, and they would have to move on with their lives. Miles closed his eyes, trying to focus on the sensation of Lawrence with him now instead of the pain of leaving.
Chapter 10
The morning came too soon, and Miles found himself delaying as he packed his suitcase for home. Lawrence and Miles had cuddled the entire night, not saying a thing. There wasn't much to do or say, or maybe there was too much, so holding each other was the most that could be said.
They were quiet as they climbed into the rental car and headed to the airport. Lawrence and Miles sat in the back as Derek drove with Cara in the passenger seat. They had told Lawrence they could take the shuttle, but Lawrence insisted on taking them.
Miles was glad that he did.
Lawrence held Miles's hand the entire car ride and once in a while would kiss his fingers. Even though the drive was hours long, it went by too fast. No words could change what was happening or stop them from going on with their lives. The vacation was over, and so were they.
Lawrence pulled the car into the top level of the airport. Miles climbed out of the car and helped Cara and Derek remove all the bags from the back. Miles started to follow Derek and Cara through the automatic sliding doors that read large numbers when a hand pulled slightly on his arm.
Miles turned to see Lawrence standing there, tears in his eyes. Miles wanted to say something, but there wasn't anything to say. Lawrence grabbed Miles’s hand into both of his and folded Miles’s fingers closed into his palm.
“I’ll miss you.”
Miles felt the tears in his eyes. “I’ll miss you too.”
Lawrence walked away and in the car. Miles looked down to find the small deer with the chipped ear. He didn't deserve this, and he went to follow Lawrence, but his car was already pulling away down the several lanes of traffic.
In his hand, he held all the feelings Lawrence could express.
Chapter 11
Miles sat in his office, where the clutter was starting to take over since he couldn't find himself focusing on anything but Lawrence. He missed him. They called each other every day and talked, but it wasn't the same. They each had to start back in their lives, and, unfortunately, they were in entirely different states.
"Miles." Derek appeared at the entrance of his cubical. Miles turned to smile at his brother since Derek had been constantly asking if he was okay since their vacation ended over two weeks ago. Derek wouldn't look at him, and Miles felt his smile disappear. "I need to see you in my office."
With a nod, he followed behind his brother. Derek looked defeated, and Miles started to wonder what was going on. Maybe things weren't going well with Cara, or maybe Derek had changed his mind and couldn't deal with Miles being gay.
He looked around to see Sharon, one of his co-workers, standing near her desk. Miles gave her a small wave, and she looked at him sadly, almost like she knew something he didn't.
He looked around, and everyone seemed to be standing around, watching him and Derek walk toward the office in the back. Miles's heart raced in his chest. Should he be worried?
By the time they reached the office, Miles had reached a peak in his anxiety. He tried to calm himself down before he had a panic attack. He didn't know if he should yell or cry...or maybe he should wait until Derek talked to him before he lost it, but he was too upset for that.
"Have a seat," Derek said, pointing at the chairs that sat across from his desk.
"I think I'll stand." Miles wasn't sure what he would be accomplishing by standing.
Derek sighed. "Please, Miles, can you sit?" Miles wanted to argue but finally sat in the chair. His brother took out a file and placed it on the desk; the company logo splashed across the front. "The company appreciates everything you've done over the last several years."
"Don't bullshit me, Derek," Miles said. He closed his eyes for a moment, trying to calm himself. "Am I getting fired?" Derek looked away from him and nodded slightly. "Is this because I'm gay?" Derek looked at him now, his eyes wide with surprise. "I knew it; I knew I should've kept it a secret…"
"Hey," Derek said. "This has nothing to do with you being gay. I'm glad you finally told me. I wish you’d told me earlier."
"Then why?"
"They are laying off 75% of the staff."
Miles sat in shock for moment. "I thought the company was finally starting to make profits again?"
"What they've been projecting to staff and even the shareholders was an optimistic outlook, but they're bleeding out money and not bringing enough in." Derek began fiddling with the corner of the folder. "I have to let my entire team go. They're only going to keep on half of the other accounting team."
"Wait..." Miles said, realizing what that meant. “What about you?"
"I'm being let go by the end of the month. I have to transfer the work to the other team, and I'll get my severance."
Miles felt guilty, not really sure why, after all it wasn't him firing his brother. "I'm so sorry."
Derek shrugged, but Miles could tell that it was harder on Derek then he was letting on.
"You have to sign the paperwork here explaining that you're being let go because of financial cutbacks due to overstaffing. You'll receive your severance for six months pay."
Miles took the folder from Derek and signed the paperwork where needed. Derek handed him an envelope. "It's your pay."
Miles didn't move from the seat. "What do I do now?"
"Be with Lawrence," Derek said.
Miles looked up, surprised. "How did you..."
"Please, all you do is talk about him," Derek said. "I had to beg to get my staff six months of severance, but that should be enough for you to move to Colorado. Heck, Cara and I might even join you."
"You...you think he'll still want me?"
"He talks about you all the time, at least to Cara. Half the time she can’t even get a hold of him because he is on the phone with you. He still wants you."
Miles grab
bed the envelope from the desk and stood. "I'm sorry that we both have to go through this, but maybe it's the start of something better."
"I like this much more optimistic you." Derek actually smiled at him.
Miles headed back to his desk realizing that it wasn't people standing at their cubicles watching him get fired because he was gay, but that they were also packing up their stuff into boxes. Thankfully Miles hadn't filled his desk with very much, and he was out the door before most of his co-workers.
This was a change he needed.
Chapter 12
Boulder was larger than Miles thought and finding Lawrence's store had turned into quite the adventure, especially because it wasn't opening for another week. As Miles found himself wandering down Pearl Street mall, he became emotionally overwhelmed and started thinking that maybe he should have called and talked to Lawrence before showing up on his doorstep.
The small shop sat between an organic restaurant and metaphysical healing store. Miles looked inside and knew without a doubt that it belonged to. Every object, every decoration, every shelf screamed of Lawrence.
That's when Lawrence appeared through the door near the back carrying a large box. His green eyes were just as Miles remembered them, bright and beautiful. Lawrence set the box down and began carrying what looked like hooks. Lawrence climbed the ladder setting the hooks on the top and then began latching the hooks into the ceiling. Lawrence reached down to the large box pulling up large ornaments to hang from the ceiling, making the shop look even more stylish and welcoming.
And strangely Miles felt insecure as if he didn't belong here. Even though Lawrence occupied almost every thought, Miles had, he was sure that Lawrence had already moved on. After all, it was only a fall romance in the mountains; Lawrence probably had a new relationship every season. Lawrence looked happy.
The Cabin Getaway: Contemporary Sweet Romance (Short Story) Page 4
