Frat Hell

by S. M. Shade

  Chapter Eleven

  Noble

  “Hey, you’re not black!” Trey exclaims as I walk through the front door. Apparently, they didn’t get enough teasing in earlier when I came home to shower. I scrubbed for an hour, until all our hot water was gone, but all I managed to do was take my skin from red to pink.

  The video I told Jani about is paused on the T.V. like they’ve just been waiting for me to get home so I can watch that clusterfuck again. I swear I’m going to kick Kenny’s ass.

  I’m saved from further torture by loud cursing coming from Denton’s room. Trey, Kenny, and I all look at each other, then head down the hall. It takes a lot for Denton to lose his cool, so something is up.

  His door is ajar, and he goes to push it shut, but Kenny catches it and swings it open. Denton stands there in his underwear, wide eyed, with a disgusted sneer on his face. “Crabs! That bitch gave me crabs!”

  It takes a second for me to realize he’s talking about Chloe with the silent C and L. Trey glances at me, then we all break into laughter.

  “Fuck off! It’s not funny! I have to shave my junk now. I’ll look like a damn kid!”

  His rant just makes us laugh harder.

  “Relax, dude,” Kenny says, his words broken by a chuckle. “I’ve had them before. You get the shampoo from the pharmacy and trim. You don’t have to go bald. I’ll loan you my mirror.”

  Denton’s brow crinkles. “What the hell do I need a mirror for?”

  “You lay it on the floor and squat over it. How else are you going to see what you’re doing?”

  Trey’s face is red and he looks like he’s going to have a stroke or piss himself, one or the other. He stumbles out of the room to catch his breath, an occasional chuckle still rocking his body.

  “Oh god,” Denton moans. He gives me a desperate look. “You have to go to the pharmacy with me.”

  “Dude, I’m pink.”

  “I’ll tell you how to get the food coloring off.”

  That son of a bitch. “You know a way, and you didn’t tell me?”

  His lip twitches, but he doesn’t manage an actual smile. “I was going to…eventually. Come on. You’d have done the same thing.”

  Yeah, I would have.

  “Fine, tell me and I’ll go with you.”

  He jerks on a pair of jeans and a shirt. “White vinegar. It’ll wash right off. I spilled a container of egg dye on me one Easter when I was a kid. That’s what my mom used to get it off.”

  “All right. Let’s go, but we’re taking your car. No crustaceans allowed in mine.”

  “Tinkle face.”

  “Crabby patty.”

  The things you do for your friends. Ten minutes later, we’re standing in the drug store while Denton studies the crotch pesticides. His gaze darts around, making sure there’s no one near us that could see as he scoops up two boxes. Kenny insisted he get a spray for the furniture and stuff, even though it’s rare to pass them to someone else in that way.

  I’m supposed to be the lookout. You’d think he’d learn, especially since he let me go to Jani and pour my heart out looking like a giant hemorrhoid. The girl he’s been talking to from the gym, the one he met after his spectacular fall off the treadmill, rounds the corner, a bottle of aspirin in her hand.

  Denton forgets why he’s here and more importantly, what’s in his hand when she smiles at him. “Hi, Denton. I thought that was you.”

  “Darcy, hey.”

  Her gaze settles on the products in his hand and she instinctively takes a step back.

  The horror blooming on Denton’s face is almost too severe to be funny.

  Almost.

  “I’ve got to run, but I’ll pick you up Saturday. Eight o’clock, right?”

  A shudder runs through her. Literally. I’ve never seen a person shudder like that before. “I-um, I have a…thing. I might have to go to. I’ll…call you, okay?”

  The last words leave her mouth as she flees the scene like the little guys might jump out of his pant leg and mount an attack.

  Denton’s face is redder than mine, and he lays his face in his palm. “She’s not going to call.”

  “Odds are against it.”

  I grab two big bottles of white vinegar on our way to the register. “Do you ever feel like someone made a huge mistake expecting us to be adults?”

  “Every day,” he sighs. “I used to think I’d hit an age where I suddenly felt like an adult. Like I’d know how to solve any problem, the way it seemed like my parents could. Fuck, everyone is just winging it, aren’t they? Just stumbling along, trying not to screw up.”

  “I think we just discovered the secret of life.”

  The ride home is silent, and we part ways, him to take care of his crotch crickets, and me to douse myself in vinegar.

  It smells terrible, but at least I’m not pink anymore.

  Lying in bed an hour later, my phone beeps and my pulse races when I see it’s Jani.

  Jani: I returned the ring. The one we found in the river.

  Wow. She actually tracked the woman down. I know she was eager to hear the story behind it.

  Me: I’ll bet she was happy to have it back. Was it the love story you thought it would be?

  Jani: Her ex-husband chucked it in the river because she cheated with the neighbor, then divorced him after twenty years. He was glad to get it back, but only because she sued him for it.

  Me: That sucks. I’m sorry it was so disappointing.

  Jani: Yeah. I just thought you’d like to know. Good night.

  Me: Good night.

  I want to type so much more. I love you. Please put me out of my misery and take me back. But I promised to give her a couple of days of space, and I want to respect it.

  I toss the phone on my night stand, and try to sleep. I’ve never wanted to put a day behind me so badly.

  The next morning finds us all sitting around the living room, brooding for different reasons. Denton has no chance with his crush, Kenny is struggling with his grades while his parents ride his ass. Trey is the only one in a decent mood. I swear that guy just glides through life with a smile no matter what happens.

  “You need a grand gesture,” Denton announces out of the blue, pointing at me.

  “What?”

  “To win Jani back. You need a grand gesture. You know, like those chick flicks. The guy screws up and does some sappy, over the top thing to show the girl he loves her.”

  “That’s not a bad idea,” Kenny says. “I don’t have a boombox to hold over your head. Not sure a phone bluetoothed to a little speaker would have the same clout.”

  A grand gesture. An idea pops into my head, but it’s crazy. Surely, they’d never let me, but after yesterday’s fiasco, I don’t have a lot to lose. Jumping to my feet, I grab my coat and head down to WFUK.

  If this works, I’ll have forfeited my man card for good, and I’ll never live it down.

  For Jani, I’ll take the chance.

  Harrison laughs his booming laugh as I stand, fidgeting, in his office. “You’ve got balls, boy, I’ll give you that. After yesterday, I thought you might not come back at all. You sure you want to do that?”

  Shrugging, I can feel the heat in my face. “It’s for a girl.”

  Leaning back in his seat, he nods. “Yeah, they make us do crazy things. Just last year I took my wife square dancing for our anniversary. Do I look like the type of guy who square dances?”

  A snort of laughter leaps out of me. He doesn’t look like the type of guy who leaves his chair unless food is involved. “No, sir, you don’t.”

  “It’s worth it, though, to keep them happy. I’ll tell you what. You come in at nine tomorrow, right? Be ready after your shift for the five fifteen slot. Who am I to stand in the way of love?” He chuckles. “This ought to be something.”

  “Thank you.”

  Now, I need Cassidy’s help.

  She returns my text and invites me to her house. I’m glad Wyatt isn’t home to listen in as
we talk.

  “So, two questions. Do you think she’ll like it? And can you make sure she sees it?”

  Cass beams at me. “I’ll say this for you, when you make a mistake, you go all out to fix it. I’m sure she’ll be flattered, and yes, I’ll make sure she doesn’t miss it.”

  Cass isn’t the only help I need, so I rush back to Violent Circle.

  As soon as I park in front of the apartment, I know something is up. Laughter spills out the front door as I open it, and I gaze around at the crowd that has gathered here since I left. It looks like every neighbor under forty is here, and a few of the old timers as well.

  Denton stands at the head of the dining room table, a piece of paper spread out before him. “Okay, so we have the naked aspect covered. Who has sex toys handy?”

  A few hands go up, along with some snorts and laughter. What the fuck is going on?

  “Of course, Samantha has her hand up,” Kenny jokes, and Samantha flips him off. It’s all in good fun, though to be honest, the girl has been on more wieners than ketchup.

  “Denton! What the hell, dude?”

  Denton grins and passes me the paper. “Remember when I said that the new apartment management now wants to do monthly inspections? Along with imposing a bunch more bullshit rules? Well, the first inspection is in a few days. If they want to invade our privacy every month, we’re going to give them something to see.”

  I scan over the list and it really is ridiculous. Monthly “housekeeping” inspections where they come in and judge how well you’re keeping the apartment clean. A ton of new rules that are completely asinine. No sidewalk chalk. Apparently, it’s considered graffiti. No wading pools or sandboxes for the kids. No barbecue grills, bicycles, or other outdoor items can be left outside when not in use. It gets even more ridiculous when you get to the consequences.

  No toys can be left in the yard or on the stone porches. Everything has to be stored inside. Because that’s easy when you already have no extra rooms or closet space. If they find a bicycle, tricycle, or toddler ride-on toy left out unsupervised in the yards, they’ll take them to the office and it’ll cost five dollars to get them back.

  They can’t be serious. Owning a property doesn’t give a landlord the right to steal your child’s toys, then hold them for ransom. It’s illegal as hell. It has to be. Then there’s the community service clause, or what Denton is referring to as the slavery amendment. All adults who don’t have a full-time job, or aren’t a full time student, have to volunteer ten hours per week.

  Now, if we were talking about a lazy guy living here who refuses to work so he can benefit from nearly free rent, I’d understand this. The requirement may not sound too bad until you realize “volunteer” means to work for housing management, cutting grass, cleaning out apartments, and stuff like that, not spending time at a nursing home or animal shelter. It would also apply to the families where one spouse works and the other stays home with the kids. Even if they’re paying the top tier rent, as much as you’d pay at any apartment complex, the stay at home parent would have to find a babysitter or leave their kids to work for free, just to stay here.

  A lot of this may not affect me or my friends, but it will hurt our neighbors.

  “I’m in. What are we doing?”

  “How do you feel about watching gay porn on the living room T.V.?” Denton asks.

  “If you’ll let me borrow some, sure.”

  Hoots of laughter fill the room, and I dodge Denton’s fist.

  “Hey! I never agreed to fisting!”

  Denton flips me off, then returns to making plans with half our neighborhood. If there’s one thing Violent Circle does well, it’s pull together when things gets bad. We may be going about this in a funny way, but the situation isn’t amusing. The consequences for failing a housekeeping inspection more than once is eviction, and some of us don’t have anywhere else to go. It costs a lot to come up with a deposit, and first and last month’s rent on a new place, not to mention so many here have lousy credit, or none at all due to our age. And that volunteer shit? No way.

  The pretty new redhead who moved into Cassidy’s old place sits on the edge of the sofa, with Neal not far away. The way he looks at her when she laughs displays the fact that Denton doesn’t have a chance with this one, even if she has found out he isn’t really gay.

  “Neal, just the guy I need to talk to. Is Bailey here?”

  Bailey is Neal’s ten-year-old daughter. Yeah, I’m about to pull a kid into my win back Jani attempt.

  “No, she’s watching Veronica’s little boy. Why? What’s up?”

  I explain my plan to him and he slaps me on the back. “I’m sure she’d love to do it. I’ll have her there about five. Does that work?”

  “Absolutely. Tell her there’s a twenty dollar bill in it for her. Just call me if she doesn’t want to, so I can find someone else.”

  The get together breaks up, with everyone understanding their part in sticking it to the new management, and I lock myself in my room, listening to music, and practicing for tomorrow, when I’m going to make a grade-A fool of myself for the woman I love.

  I mean, I already modeled bondage gear for her. What’s one more embarrassing moment in my life?

  When I open my eyes the next morning, I’m shocked by how well I slept. Maybe because I haven’t slept for shit since Jani and I broke up, or maybe because I feel better now that I have a plan.

  The work day drags by, and I’m greeted with far too many snickers and grins, though whether it’s from my last stunning display of incompetency or my upcoming humiliation, I’m not sure.

  Finally, the clock shows me it’s time, and I look up into Bailey’s smiling, excited face. “Noble! I can’t believe I get to do this! I told all my friends at school, but they didn’t believe me. So Dad is recording it! Thank you!”

  “Thanks for helping me. I know how good you are, so you are the first one I thought of. Do you have it down?”

  “Oh yeah, I know it by heart.”

  Taking a deep breath, I wipe the sweat from my neck. “Okay, kid. Let’s do this.”

  Chapter Twelve

  January

  “I’m on my way! For the love of dick, woman, what is so damned important?”

  Cassidy invited me to dinner tonight with her and Wyatt, and wouldn’t take no for an answer. Not that I would’ve refused, but when I suggested stopping off on the way to her house for a cake or something to bring for dessert, she damn near bit my head off.

  “I’m pulling in your driveway now. It’s just past five o’clock. Since when do you guys eat like senior citizens?”

  “Bite me. I’m eating for two.”

  I end the call and park my car. She’s waiting at the door like an excited puppy. Something is going on here. Maybe she has news she didn’t want to tell me over the phone. She’s already married and pregnant, what more could happen to her?

  “Oh shit. Are you having twins?” I ask, stepping inside.

  An indignant look crosses her face, and she looks down at her flat belly. “What? No!”

  “You aren’t showing, you psycho. You just look like you have big news.”

  Grabbing my arm, she pulls me into the living room. “I don’t have news, but you need to see the news. Trust me.”

  She flops down on the couch in front of the television, pulling me down beside her. Wyatt waves from his recliner. Maybe he can clue me in on why my best friend is acting crazy.

  “Is this like a hormone thing or something? Postpartum psychosis, maybe?”

  He laughs, and Cass smacks my arm. “Postpartum means after the birth, genius. Just watch.”

  They return from a commercial and the newscaster smiles into the camera. “We have a special segment today to welcome a new member of the WFUK family. You may have seen him a few days ago when he filled in for The Science Dude, and we’re happy to say he decided to stay after we threw him unprepared into the deep end. Since he was such a good sport, we’d like to introduce him to
our audience. Noble, come on out.”

  My head jerks back at the sound of his name, and a rush of adrenaline tingles through my body. I can’t believe what I’m seeing.

  Noble steps into sight, his hand on a little girl’s shoulder. That’s Bailey! Neal’s daughter. She’s clutching a guitar with an excited smile on her face.

  “Hi, I’m Noble Bradley and this is Bailey Chambers.” He smiles down at her. “She’s an amazing guitar player and she’s going to help me try to win back my girl today.”

  Oh god. He wouldn’t.

  “See, I screwed up a really good thing with the most beautiful woman in the world. She’s funny, and caring, and smart. I’m completely and totally in love with her. What better way to show her than humiliating myself on television, right?”

  Wyatt snorts out a laugh, but it barely registers.

  “January Dixon, I love you, and if you take me back, I promise not to screw up again.” He pauses. “No, that’s probably impossible. Okay, I promise to do my best to make you happy and keep the screw ups as few and far between as possible.”

  My eyes well up as I giggle at his honesty.

  “And since I can’t express myself quite as good as him, I’m going to sing a song from Ed Sheeran, who can say the right words better than I can.”

  Oh no. This is extremely sweet and over the top romantic, but here’s the issue. I’ve heard Noble sing. God knows I love him, but the man couldn’t carry a tune if it was stapled to him. This is going to be horrible.

  Bailey strums her guitar and her notes ring out strong and clear. The girl is good. She’s all smiles until Noble belts out the first line. Though her mouth falls open like a fish gasping for oxygen, her playing doesn’t show her shock.

  His face is beet red, but he faces the camera and sings—or tries to—the lyrics to Perfect, my favorite song by Ed Sheeran. I pretty much wore it out while we were together, so I’m not surprised he knows the words.

  But, oh god, what he’s doing to them. Ed would be horrified.