Promise to Obey

by Whitelaw, Stella

  ‘I’m Lily,’ she said, wriggling. ‘I’m five. I go to school now.’

  ‘Nice to meet you, Lily.’ She shook a sticky hand with a solemn dignity. ‘You must show me some of your school work. I’d like to see it.’

  ‘Do we call you Jessica Willdo?’

  Jessica laughed. The first genuine laugh of the day. It lit up her face and she was transformed. Her true face was often hidden behind professional calmness. But when she laughed, her periwinkle blue eyes sparkled like gems and her mouth curved into an irresistible shape of happiness.

  ‘Jessica Willdo, will do.’

  ‘I like you already,’ said Lily, still chewing on her jam sandwich. ‘I like you better than our last nanny. All she did was smoke all the time and watch television.’

  ‘First of all, Lily, I will put you straight. I am not your nanny. I am a nurse who is here to look after your grandmother after her operation. But at the same time, I’ll be around for you both, keep an eye on you. You can come to me any time, ask me anything, and we’ll do things together.’

  ‘What sort of things?’

  ‘For a start, I thought we might go to Worthing and see what’s there, walk on the beach if the tide is out. You’ll need your Wellington boots.’

  Lily jumped up and down in her chair, wheezing. ‘Can we go now, Willdo?’

  Jessica laughed again, so much that she nearly spilt her tea. ‘It’s far too late, poppet. We’ll see about tomorrow or the next day.’

  She turned her attention to the boy who had not said a word. He was concentrating on his tea. She noticed that he had lined up the jam, the butter dish, and a jar of Marmite in front of his plate, like sentries. His cup of tea was exactly in line with his plate and he had put the spoon rigidly straight by the saucer.

  ‘Hello,’ she said gently. ‘I’m Jessica. Who are you?’

  ‘Who are you?’ he said.

  ‘I’ve just explained. I’m Jessica, a nurse who has come to look after your grandmother after her operation. Nice to meet you.’

  ‘Nice to meet you.’

  Lily piped up, her mouth lined with jam, ‘Daniel doesn’t say much. He likes being alone. He doesn’t like people.’

  Jessica noticed the lack of eye contact. Daniel would not look at her. There was no communication between them. She tried again. It might be initial shyness.

  ‘I’d like us all to be friends while I’m here. It could be such fun. I have lots of plans.’ This was not true, but she had time to make some instant plans. ‘We’ll do all sorts of things together. And I know that someone soon has a birthday.’ There was no response. ‘You don’t want to be stuck in the house all the time, do you?’

  ‘All the time,’ said Daniel.

  Alarm bells were ringing in Jessica’s head. The repetition of her words. His whole posture had not moved. He lived in another world, no contact with this one. He was cutting his sandwich into exact squares and lining them into rows. He then ate them in order. At least, he was eating, methodically.

  ‘Never mind, Daniel. We’ll talk another time.’

  ‘Another time,’ he said.

  Jessica finished her tea. She was not hungry. The emotion of the last few hours had drained her appetite. Perhaps later, she would poke around and make herself a cheese sandwich.

  ‘Willdo?’ asked Lily, still wheezing as she started on a big slice of home-made sponge cake, ‘are you going to put us to bed? Are you going to read us a story?’

  ‘I guess I can do all that. What story would you like me to read?’

  ‘The one about the baby mole who couldn’t find his way home in the fading light.’ Lily was perfectly sure about her favourite story.

  ‘That’s a new one on me,’ said Jessica. ‘And what’s your favourite story, Daniel?’

  This threw the boy off balance. He was seven, coming on eight, and looked a lot like his father. He was going to be lean and tall, incredibly handsome, break a few hearts one day. He had no answer to that question. He drew swirls on his plate with smears of Marmite. He did not look at her.

  ‘Perhaps you’ll tell me later,’ said Jessica, throwing him a lifeline.

  ‘Later,’ he said.

  Jessica stood outside the house in the falling dusk and wondered where she would find Lucas. He said he had a room over the stables. She had no intention of going to his room but she might find his car parked in the stables.

  She wasn’t angry but she was annoyed that Lucas had not been straight with her. He had got her down here to Upton Hall on false pretences about the children and there was no way he was going to escape her tongue.

  She had an anorak over her shoulders because the trees were still spilling their raindrops. The garden scent was heady and the landscape was mesmerizing her. She wondered if she could cut some flowers and put them in her room. A few wouldn’t be missed. She loved fresh flowers. She always bought herself a bunch in a market.

  The peace of the garden was soothing, the mist spinning round her like a cocoon. Perhaps she would be beamed up to some alien ship and transported to an Elysian community. It would be peaceful there.

  ‘Have you survived?’ Lucas was coming out of the mist, clad now in Wellington boots and worn anorak, his hair still plastered wet to his head. He looked breathtakingly handsome. ‘You don’t look too shattered. How did you get on with the dragon, Lady Grace?’

  ‘I think I won,’ said Jessica.

  ‘First round to you, then.’

  ‘Do you have the walker frame? Surely the hospital issued one for your mother to use? She needs it.’

  ‘It’s downstairs, in a cupboard. My mother won’t use it. Says it makes her look a cripple. It does look a bit like sheltered housing gear.’

  ‘She will be a cripple if she doesn’t get some exercise. Can you resurrect it and take it upstairs? I shall get her to use it.’

  ‘Your word is my command.’ Lucas bowed his head in mock deference, looking grave, almost grim. ‘I obey the dragon-slayer.’

  ‘Daniel and Lily,’ said Jessica, changing the subject.

  ‘My two delightful children.’

  ‘You didn’t tell me.’

  ‘Tell you what?’ He looked defensive, a hard set on his face, but still someone in charge. He looked over her head, out into the garden.

  ‘You didn’t tell me that Lily was overweight and asthmatic and that Daniel is autistic. They both need trained help.’

  ‘And aren’t you exactly the right person to do that?’ said Lucas, coming so close that she could barely stand straight. ‘I looked into your qualifications. You’ve done a lot of work with difficult children. I don’t want them regimented and put into specialist centres where children are numbers and shuffled about like pieces on a chessboard. I want them looked after at home. I want you to change their lives.’

  ‘In three months?’ Jessica was astounded at his impudence.

  ‘However long it takes.’

  Jessica took a deep breath and moved away from his closeness. Rain was dripping off his nose. His tongue came out and licked away a drip. A sharp, guilty thrill ran through her and he caught the change of expression.

  ‘You’ll stay?’ he asked with a sudden sweetness, mentally on his knees but not physically on his knees. There was an unexpected warmth in his eyes.

  ‘I suppose I’ll stay,’ she said reluctantly.

  ‘Thank you, Jessica.’ Lucas brought his hands out from behind his back. He was holding a bunch of freshly cut yellow pom-pom dahlias and white daisies. ‘I thought you might like these for your room. I think you like flowers.’

  ‘Thank you,’ said Jessica, taking the flowers. ‘But there is one more thing I must ask you. What about your wife? Will she be here too, telling me what to do, ordering me about?’

  His face froze. ‘No,’ he said. ‘Forget my wife. She’s not likely to interfere in any way.’

  ‘How can I be sure?’

  ‘You can take my word.’

  He snapped out the words and walked away. His bac
k said don’t ask me again. It was a wall of ice. Jessica was suddenly afraid.

  She walked slowly back into the house, wondering what she had taken on.

  THREE

  It was a long time before Jessica got her breath back. Lucas had tricked her into this job and that made her really mad with a complex mixture of emotions. She had been gullible, not asking the right questions, taking all he had said at face value.

  But she could also see his point of view as a father. He cared about his children and he knew they both needed help. No nanny was qualified to take on the complex task. And would she have come if he had told her the truth? Probably not. She would have said that she didn’t know enough about autism and that Lily needed a dietician, not a nurse.

  She was here now and she would have to make the best of it. She might be able to make the smallest difference, but at least she would get Lady Grace up and downstairs. Even if she had to fight that lady for every step of the way.

  It was going to be a fight. Two strong wills in opposition. Jessica might end up feeling a fool, but she knew she could genuinely make a difference.

  Bathtime with Lily was hilarious. The family bathroom had been converted from a small side bedroom. It was plain cream tiled, but there was plenty of space and a comfortable lloyd loom basket chair to sit on, and there were more ducks than the Royals could shoot in a day. Lily blew enough bubbles to launch herself into space. Jessica was glad of a plastic apron. It was ages since she had towel dried a little girl, and the small cuddly, sweet smelling bundle was delightful. So different from washing a sickly child in the antiseptic confines of a hospital ward.

  ‘You are going to read me a story, aren’t you, Willdo?’

  ‘Of course,’ said Jessica. ‘I always keep my word, if I can.’

  ‘And you are not going off down to the pub after we’ve gone to bed?’

  ‘No, I’ll be here. Wherever did you get that idea from?’

  ‘The nanny before the last one was always down the pub.’ Lily giggled. ‘We called her Ginger Beer because of her hair and the pub. She was always down at the pub drinking ginger beer. And she had ginger hair.’

  ‘That wasn’t very kind. She might have been drinking champagne.’

  ‘She wasn’t very kind. She wouldn’t read to us at all.’

  ‘Perhaps she couldn’t read very well.’

  ‘I can read. Only small words, of course. Daniel can’t read properly yet.’

  Daniel bathed by himself in awkward silence. He didn’t want a story but Jessica noticed that his door was left open so that he could listen to the baby mole story. Lily managed her nightly inhaler dose with a careless regard to the correct procedure. It was more gasp and puff and blow. Jessica made a mental note to show Lily tomorrow. She wondered if anyone had ever checked.

  ‘Goodnight, Lily, sweet dreams,’ said Jessica, tucking her in. ‘Sleep tight.’

  ‘Night, night, Willdo. I like having you here. You will stay, won’t you?’

  Again that anxious note as if Lily was used to being let down. Perhaps nannies came and went. It seemed they did.

  ‘Don’t you worry, Lily. I’ll be here tomorrow.’

  Jessica switched on the dim battery light on the wall and half closed the door. Mrs Harris had told her that Lily had nightmares if she was left in the dark. Jessica wondered what the nightmares were about.

  Jessica looked into Daniel’s room. He was already in bed, huddled under the clothes, only the top of his head showing. He also had a dim light on the wall.

  ‘Goodnight, Daniel, sweet dreams,’ she said. ‘You can stay up a little later tomorrow if you like. You don’t have to go to bed at exactly the same time as Lily.’

  There was no answer. But she hadn’t expected any.

  She tidied up the bathroom, leaving nothing on the floor that they could slip on, in case one of the children got up to use the bathroom in the night. She gave her hair a quick smooth, tucking away the damp ends, and went across the landing to Lady Grace’s bedroom. After a polite knock on the door, and a moment’s pause, she went in.

  Lady Grace was sitting on the edge of the bed, looking distraught and dishevelled. Her hair had escaped from its neat French pleat.

  ‘Where were you when I wanted you?’ she cried out, her voice low and full of pain. ‘I’ve been calling and calling.’

  Jessica knew this was not true. She would have heard. The children’s bedrooms were only across the landing. And the baby mole story had been read in a hushed silence.

  ‘I’m here now, Lady Grace. What do you need?’

  ‘I need to get to the bathroom, idiot. I can’t make it without help.’ She was struggling to stand up but making a poor job of it. ‘You know that.’

  ‘My name is Jessica by the way, not idiot. Take my arm and I’ll help you to the bathroom. Lucas is going to bring up your walking frame which you will find a great help. You can lean on it as two extra legs.’

  ‘I’m not using that damned contraption.’

  ‘Oh yes, you are. You’ll be surprised at how much support it gives. No need to tell anyone. Use it in secret if you like. Hide it in the bathroom. Give it a name. Call it Fred. Fred is a nice name. Unless you actually know someone called Fred.’

  Jessica saw a fractional quirk to the woman’s lips. It was the nearest Lady Grace ever got to smiling. She would never show that anything amused her. A bit like Queen Victoria. It was slow progress to the bathroom, and once safely there, Jessica left Lady Grace on her own. She knew further help would be an insult to her dignity. She heard water running and thought it safe to leave her.

  Jessica took the tea tray down to the kitchen. Mrs Harris was busy preparing supper. She was a comely woman in her late fifties, with greying hair still tied back in the ponytail of her youth. Jessica could imagine her in the carefree flower power days, dancing to the Beatles barefoot in a long flowing dress with flowers strung in her hair and round her neck. Very rural and poetic. Mr Harris had been lucky.

  ‘I’m doing you and the master a cold buffet on the sideboard in the dining room, with a tureen of hot leek and potato soup. Will that be all right, Miss Jessica?’

  ‘Perfect. Is Mr Lucas still around then?’

  ‘He’s fiddling with the Austin, I expect. Making sure it’s all right for you to drive. He’ll probably give me a lift home if it’s still raining, though I’ve got my bicycle. I live in the village, you see. Dove Cottage, down by the green.’

  ‘I didn’t know there was a village.’

  ‘It’s called West Eastly which is the daftest name, proper Sussex, that is. We’ve got a lot of daft names. Some people collect them. It’s only a few houses and cottages, a church and a pub. The mobile library calls once a week. There’s a small grocers shop. My brother, Ted, runs the shop. You can get most things. Here at Upton Hall, we have a weekly delivery from that Avocado firm, ordered on the Internet. Newfangled shopping. How can you tell what you want from a photo?’

  Jessica moved over to the Aga and lifted her hands towards the warmth. It was raining in earnest again, large drops pelting onto the path, spurting brown earth.

  ‘Always ask me if you want a lift home, Mrs Harris.’

  ‘That’s real kind of you, miss. Thank you.’

  ‘And Lady Grace’s supper?’

  ‘I’m doing a tray of the same for her ladyship. It’s her favourite soup.’

  ‘I’ll help you carry it up.’

  ‘Thanks. I always hate carrying soup upstairs in case I spill any.’

  ‘Why not take it in a lidded jug and pour it out when you get there?’ Jessica suggested, seeing a bowl of hot soup sliding everywhere on a disaster course.

  ‘Now that’s an idea. Why didn’t I think of that?’

  ‘It’s an old hospital trick,’ Jessica grinned. ‘Hot soup is dangerous.’

  It was quite a procession taking supper up to her ladyship. Jessica privately adjusted the title to her battleship. Lady Grace was sitting in her chair, looking regal and triumpha
nt. She had tidied her hair.

  ‘I shan’t be needing Fred,’ she said with a straight face.

  ‘He’s handy to have around,’ said Jessica, equally straight faced.

  Mrs Harris looked bemused but immediately began laying a small table which she lifted across to the armchair. A white lace cloth and silver cutlery appeared.

  ‘Your favourite soup,’ she said.

  ‘I don’t have a favourite soup,’ said Lady Grace, reverting to normal.

  ‘Leek and potato. You said it was your favourite.’

  ‘Pour, not talk, Mrs Harris. It’s getting cold. And please draw the curtains. It looks dark and miserable outside. I don’t want to look at it.’

  Mrs Harris did as she was told. Jessica wondered how long she had put up with her employer. Maybe work was hard to get in West Eastly. Or perhaps there was another reason she stayed. Some dark secret that she knew nothing about. Jessica thought about the possibility of a secret, but quickly gave up.

  It was none of her business.

  Lady Grace dismissed both women. ‘But I’ll need you later,’ she added, nodding towards Jessica.

  Jessica checked on the children who were both fast asleep. She noticed that Daniel’s toys were all lined up in rows. And his shoes were in rows. A sad young boy, living in a world of his own.

  She changed into a cornflower blue tracksuit for supper, as her skirt and shirt were still damp from bathtime. There was no need to dress up for Lucas Coleman and it was going to be a snack supper. She would be warm and comfortable. She wandered into the dining room, not knowing if it was the right time.

  Lucas was already there, struggling with opening a bottle of wine. He’d screwed the corkscrew in diagonally so the cork would not come out. He looked annoyed then amused. He peered at the bottle.

  ‘I’m hopeless. Can’t do anything properly,’ he drawled calmly. ‘Are you any good at this?’

  ‘I’ll have a go,’ said Jessica, jerking her gaze away. She withdrew the corkscrew and started again, making sure it went in straight. Then she folded down the levers and the cork came out, ruined in shape but out. She noticed that it was a very good New Zealand Merlot from a vineyard in Onion Bay, wherever that was.