Gideon grabbed his edge of the desk and leaned forward until their faces were mere inches apart. “That is exactly what I am talking about,” he ground out. “You have wasted enough of your life playing nursemaid. Your responsibility here, whatever kind you thought you had, is over. Yes, I owe you. I owe you this farm, this dream, Sarah, my life. Is that what you want to hear? Will that make you stop feeling sorry for yourself and get on with your life? Or are you too afraid to do it? I begin to think that this guilt of yours is an excuse to avoid your own problems.”
“My greatest problem is you.” Charles’ words were laced with disgust. “It always has been and always will be. You refuse to see what is right in front of your face. You claim you wanted all this for us, and yet now you tell me it is all for Sarah. Make up your mind, Gideon. I may chase and chase, but you tease. You let me almost catch you, and then you pull away. Now Sarah is here. Now you have given me Sarah.” He pointed a rigid finger at Gideon. “She is more than you deserve. God knows she’s more than I deserve. But I will not let you ruin her happiness. She is content. She is stronger than she was when we first met her. I’m not going anywhere. I didn’t build you both up just to walk away before I could enjoy the fruits of my labor. Oh no. If you want me gone you’ll have to do better than that.”
“Build us up? As if we were castles of sand? Clay to be molded by your almighty hands?” Gideon had had enough. “It wasn’t you who had to learn to live with this body, Charles. You witnessed my struggles, you did not make them for me. It is not you who faces your fears of going out in public, it is Sarah. Yes, you bully. You bully us both until we do your bidding just to shut you up. But what we are, what we have become, is due to our own strength and our own desires, not yours. If you stay you will be sorely disillusioned. We will not bow and scrape to you for what we have. You may enjoy us all you like, but you may not take credit for us.”
Charles looked as if he’d taken a blow. “Perhaps I do bully you. But you are both so…so…stupid,” Charles finished vehemently. “That you think what you are outside matters to me or to anyone worth your time. You are both so much more than what people see on the outside. You are beautiful to me. But it’s like banging my head against the barn door.”
Beautiful? “Sarah is and always was beautiful. I agree.” Gideon made himself speak ruthlessly. “But if you feel as if being with us is banging your head against a barn door, then leave. I have asked you to do so. I have begged you to do so. I implore you now to do so.”
Charles went on as if Gideon hadn’t spoken. “And the way you see me? The way you treat me? Sometimes I wonder if you see past what is outside.” Gideon narrowed his eyes, ready to deny it. “I see it, Gideon. I see the way you watch me. You talk of my perfection, my physical attributes as if I am a horse for sale. You wanted me for Sarah as a pretty toy. Do you even know or care what I feel? What I think? I may not be a gentleman or well educated, but I have ideas, Gideon. I have feelings. You trample on both with impunity.”
“If you feel so ill-used, then go,” Gideon barked. He was incredulous that Charles would accuse him of such shallowness. Of course he saw him. He saw everything. He saw how hard Charles worked, how much the success of the farm meant to him. He could see past his earlier anger to the truth of that. Gideon knew that without Charles there would be no success, no farm, no Gideon. If Charles left…Gideon saw himself standing on the edge of an abyss with no lifeline to keep him safe. He thrust the thought aside. “You tell me I am nothing without you, and then you tell me that I do not see you for who you are, that I do not appreciate your feelings or ideas. How can both of these be true? If there is one of us confused here, it is you, Charles. You do not know what you want.”
“I have known what I wanted from the first moment I followed you into battle,” Charles yelled. “Yet you still treat me as that green recruit. Have I not proven my loyalty to you? Have I not proven my abilities? My determination? You make me prove them every day. Every damn day, Gideon. You are so hard to love. Why do you make it so bloody hard?”
“Then go,” Gideon yelled back. He was not the man Charles was describing. He was not. Charles did not have to prove a thing to him. It was Gideon who had to prove every day that he was still a man. That he was still that man that Charles had followed into battle, the man worthy of such trust and devotion. And he knew he failed. Every day he failed. Because he was not that man anymore.
“Stop!” Sarah’s voice cut through the tension in the room and both men looked at the door in surprise. Gideon had not heard her come in. She closed the door behind her. “The whole house can hear you. What is going on?”
“I’m leaving, apparently,” Charles said. He stalked past Sarah but stopped and turned back to her to kiss her hand. “Goodbye.” He straightened and looked directly at Gideon for a moment and then he spun on his heel and left the room. The door slammed behind him.
“Gideon?” Sarah sounded upset. He had not meant to upset her. Not this way. He’d known she would be upset when Charles left. And that was his fault. Charles was right about that, at least. Gideon had given her to Charles, and he had given Charles to her. Did he have the right to take that away now? When he didn’t answer her Sarah walked around the desk and touched his shoulder. “Are you all right?”
Gideon grabbed her and pulled her onto his lap before he buried his face in her shoulder. She smelled so damn good. She felt perfect, so soft and yielding. He would do anything for her. She wrapped her arms around him and ran a hand through his hair. “You must stop fighting with Charles, Gideon. He cares for you, you know. And I know you care for him.”
Gideon’s breath caught. Did she know? Did she truly know what Charles meant to him? He wasn’t sure himself anymore.
Gideon buried his hand in Sarah’s hair and raised his mouth to hers, holding her tightly just out of reach. “He means nothing to me,” he whispered harshly. He pulled her to him then and kissed her savagely. He felt savage, wild and out of control, as if his tether had snapped and he had nothing to hold him back. After a brief moment of surprised hesitation, Sarah dug her fingers into his scalp and held him tightly to her, kissing him as roughly as he was her. Their teeth scraped and Gideon wasn’t sure if it was a moan or a growl that worked its way up from his throat. But it pulled him back to himself and he tore his mouth from Sarah’s.
They were both breathing hard and stared in shock at each other. Her eyes were wide and bright, their soft brown turned sharp with emotion. “That’s a lie,” she told him vehemently. “Charles means everything to you. Nothing you can say or do will change that.”
“You’re wrong,” Gideon replied as he wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her torso tight against him, her breasts pressing against his coat. “He does not mean everything to me. There is more now. There is you.”
Sarah’s hand caressed his cheek. “Oh, Gideon. I know that. But I cannot take Charles’ place. I do not wish to. I can only make a place for myself. Do you understand?”
Gideon shook his head. He didn’t understand anything these days. His life was changing too quickly, leaving him confused. Part of him wanted to barricade himself inside his old life, protecting his isolation. Another part, a part he hadn’t been familiar with a few short weeks ago, wanted to embrace the changes. He was fighting a losing battle against himself, and though logically he knew it was foolish and futile, emotionally he was not prepared to concede.
“There will always be a place for you,” he told her honestly. It was the one thing he could guarantee with any certainty.
“But it has to be my place,” Sarah whispered, “and not an empty place left by someone else.”
“Am I too hard, Sarah?” he found himself asking. He wanted to kick himself after the plaintive question escaped.
“Of course you are,” she answered with a small smile. “I wouldn’t want anything that wasn’t. The effort is minimal but so are the rewards. To make the victory sweeter, it has to be difficult to attain.”
Gideon
managed a weak smile. “I want to be worth it, but honestly, Sarah, I tire of difficult.”
She stroked his cheek and then playfully flicked his good ear. “Poor Gideon. To be difficult or not to be difficult, that is the dilemma.”
This was new, this playful side of Sarah. It was entirely new territory for Gideon. With chagrin he realized that he’d spent the last few years either fighting or brooding. He nipped at her bottom lip. “There is no question of hard, then,” he murmured, maneuvering Sarah on his lap so she couldn’t help but feel his growing arousal.
Sarah laughed throatily. The sound shot straight down to Gideon’s cock. “No, no question about that. You are extremely hard.”
Gideon looked at her askance. Yes, she was blushing. But she had managed the risqué banter without hesitation. Charles was right. She was gaining confidence with them. Gideon frowned. Would that confidence desert her if Charles left?
As if conjured by his thoughts the door opened and Charles barged in. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have left that way.” He ran a hand through his hair, leaving the curls shooting off in every direction. “I—” He stopped abruptly when he saw Gideon and Sarah. His back stiffened and his face lost all expression. “I’m sorry again. I’m intruding.” He turned to leave.
“No,” Sarah called out. She peered through the door in a panic. “Don’t leave,” she whispered just loud enough for Charles to hear her. “Close the door.”
Charles looked at Gideon. Gideon nodded. “Close the door.”
Very slowly Charles walked back and quietly shut the door. He turned and leaned against it. “Back to that, are we? Isn’t this where we began not too long ago?”
Sarah pinched Gideon. “Apologize,” she whispered in his ear. He shook his head slightly. He would not. Charles had as much to be sorry for. And Charles had apologized, hadn’t he? Gideon nearly groaned aloud. He leaned his forehead on Sarah’s shoulder in misery. He was going to have to do it. Sarah pinched him again, harder, and he raised his head to glare at her. She jerked her head in Charles’ direction with wide, determined eyes.
“I’m sorry,” he bit out, refusing to look at Charles.
“You’re…what?” Charles asked with exaggerated confusion. Gideon turned and glared at him. Charles leaned forward as if he couldn’t hear.
“I said I’m sorry.” Gideon enunciated each word carefully but kept his tone distant.
Charles shook his head in wonder. “I do believe that is the first time you have ever uttered those words to me with at least a modicum of sincerity.”
“Charles, behave,” Sarah chided. “You know that was not easy for Gideon.” She gave Gideon a private smile. “He can be so hard, you know.”
Behind her back Charles started at her comment, so similar to his just a few moments ago. “Yes, I do know,” Charles told her. “I just didn’t realize you knew it.”
Sarah gave that throaty laugh again. “I’m learning rather quickly.”
“I’m right here,” Gideon said sarcastically. “In case you’d forgotten.”
“How could I?” Sarah teased as she wiggled in his lap. Gideon hissed in a breath and clamped his arm around her.
“Should I stay?” Charles asked, his voice low and turning rough. “Or should I go?”
Gideon closed his eyes and breathed in Sarah’s scent with the sound of Charles’ breath in the background, the rustle of his clothing. The knowledge that he was there with them coursed through Gideon in a rush he knew only with these two. “Stay,” he whispered.
Charles walked over and bent his knees to squat before Gideon’s chair, his face level with Sarah’s. Sarah leaned forward and kissed him lightly. “You won’t leave, will you, Charles?” she asked. She sounded so hopeful, so beseeching. Gideon met Charles’ stare over Sarah’s head.
“No, Sarah darling, I won’t leave,” Charles whispered, and then he leaned his hand on Gideon’s thigh as he gave Sarah a more thorough kiss.
Gideon slid his hand over Charles’ on his thigh and squeezed it tight.
Chapter Thirteen
Sarah couldn’t resist the beauty of the morning. So she sneaked out of bed and now she sat on the bench beside the pasture, watching the sunrise. She was in her nightclothes, but no one would see her. No one else was awake yet, although they would be soon. She sat with her feet pulled up on the bench, her arms wrapped around her legs. A decidedly inelegant pose but, again, who would see her?
It was a little chilly in the pale early morning light. She didn’t care. She had never been able to do this at her father’s house. She had too many responsibilities. She’d forgotten that she could enjoy something so simple. Was that the problem? Was that why she had prayed for good days? Because she could no longer see the good in each day? Gideon and Charles had given that back to her. It was a wondrous gift.
She rested her head on her upraised knee. Gideon and Charles. It was hard to think of one without the other. They were so different and yet so alike. How she wished they would not fight. It had been weeks since that awful fight in Gideon’s study. But they bickered constantly, finding fault with each other. Perhaps they had the same problem as Sarah. Perhaps they longed so much for what they did not have, they could not enjoy what they did have. And they had so much in each other. Where one ended, the other began.
She was in love with them. She had never been in love before, but she knew what this feeling was. Gideon needed her so much. He was wounded, not just on the outside but inside, and he tried to hide it behind his gruff exterior. But she felt his pain and was determined to end it. In so many ways, no matter how gruff he became, he showed her how tender and compassionate he could be. And Charles, he had been harder to figure out. But once she realized that he was in love with Gideon, she understood him and loved him too. He was so strong, so steady and so desperate for every crumb of Gideon’s affection. And he’d transferred all that to Sarah. She could see it in his face when he looked at her. When he bullied her and forced her to face her unspoken fears, she knew he did it because he cared deeply for her. And when he was in bed with her and Gideon, he showed her. Every touch that was meant to inflame revealed his passion and tender feelings for her.
She longed to consummate her union with Charles. But he refused. At first Sarah had been hurt and miserable. She’d thought he refused because he didn’t want her. But after so many weeks together she knew differently. He wanted her desperately. He struggled not to take what she offered. Why? He claimed it was because he was not her husband and that only Gideon had the right to take her that way.
She blushed as she remembered all the things she’d done with both men. They had taught her how to please them in many ways and taught her how to take her own pleasure. She’d taken them in her mouth. It was wicked and wonderful. And they loved it. They loved to watch her do it. That was one of the ways they were so much alike. They loved to watch each other pleasure Sarah, and she them. Sarah could feel the smug satisfaction in her private little grin. Sarah liked that very much too. To be watched by both of them.
There was a reason Charles wouldn’t take the final intimate step with her. And she was quite sure it had something to do with Gideon. Was he afraid that Gideon would object? Sarah was quite sure he wouldn’t. He had said as much many times. Was he afraid it would change their relationship? She didn’t see how. They were already as close as man and wife. He knew her as well as Gideon did, better than anyone had ever known her before. She shared almost every aspect of herself with both men.
But there were some things she kept to herself. Such as her fear that this perfect time would not last. Her fear that they would realize what a fraud she was, pretending to be strong and brave and resourceful, when each day, each step filled her with apprehension. Perhaps Charles knew that—he seemed to know everything without being told. Perhaps that was why he denied her. Because she was weak and he knew it.
She stared out over the green grass of the pasture glistening with dew. The morning held its breath, waiting for the sun to
rise. Sarah wondered what she was waiting for. Charles to relent? Explain? She sighed. She was doing it again. She was so busy worrying about what she didn’t have she was forgetting to appreciate what she did have. She was questioning herself again too. She’d thought she was past that now.
Sarah stood up and moved closer to the pasture fence, leaning against a tree trunk. She wiggled her bare toes in the wet grass. The sound of a door opening and closing behind her sounded clearly in the quiet morning. She turned around, one hand on the tree.
It was Charles.
Charles breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Sarah down by the fence. When he’d woken up and found her gone he hadn’t known what to think. He’d panicked and thrown on some clothes as quietly as he could to search for her. He hadn’t wanted to awaken Gideon and worry him. The first place he’d thought to look was here. Sarah spent a great deal of time here.
He started to walk down the hill and she took a step forward just as the sun started to peek over the horizon. The light set her hair ablaze and outlined her long legs through the thin material of her gown. Charles just stopped and stared. She was beautiful. Truly, amazingly beautiful. He had caught a glimpse of this woman the first day she’d come here, when she had whipped off that god-awful bonnet in Gideon’s study and confronted him. But Sarah had hidden that woman behind conservative gowns and a starchy demeanor. She had been a little sparrow, pretty in it’s way but unremarkable. Now she was a songbird in flight. Beautiful, courageous, bringing the wonder of her song to all who met her. She brought it to Gideon. She was there for him in every way, giving him so much. It was no wonder she was everything to him. And she gave her song to Charles as well. In return, Charles wanted to be there for her. Gideon was, he knew that, but Charles wanted it too. He wanted her to turn to him in times of trouble, when she needed a strong back or a soft shoulder. He wanted her to rely on him the way Gideon had always relied on him.
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