That First Special Kiss

by Gina Wilkins

  “Definitely,” He agreed. “Saying it to him will help you put it behind you once and for all.”

  “Did you tell your mother how angry you were?”

  “It wouldn’t have done any good. She was too drunk to listen.”

  “So why haven’t you talked to your father about how you felt about him during those unpleasant years?”

  She knew when he stiffened that he didn’t care for that particular question. “I’ve told you before that I’m not mad at my father for anything that happened in my childhood. I don’t blame him for being in the navy, or because the court gave my mother custody instead of my dad when they divorced. He did the best he could.”

  Thinking of a twelve-year-old boy so deeply disconsolate that he’d chosen to risk running away and living on urban streets rather than to stay in his troubled mother’s home, she still didn’t quite believe Shane’s denial. He had learned so young to mask his feelings, she mused, and there were still emotions he hid very deeply inside him. Was he hiding them even from himself? Was he ever haunted by memories of that unhappy phase of his life?

  “What was it like, living on the streets of Memphis when you were only twelve?” she asked quietly, wondering if he would tell her or shrug the question away with an evasive answer.

  She was beginning to think he wasn’t going to answer at all when he shrugged and said, “It was pretty bad. I spent the entire two weeks scared and hungry and cold—praying that my dad would find me, hoping my mother would not.”

  “You were so sure Jared would find you?”

  “I knew he would try. I left clues for him—things I knew my mother or the police would never understand, but my dad would. Of course, I didn’t know my mother would wait nearly two weeks to call Dad and tell him I was missing. She either didn’t notice for a while or she didn’t want him to know how badly she’d screwed up.”

  “Why didn’t you just call him yourself and tell him how unhappy you were?”

  “I didn’t know how to call his ship. When I tried to talk to him when he called, I made a mess of trying to tell him and he didn’t really understand. He kept telling me he wished things were different, but that the court had given me to my mother and there was nothing he could do about it. I finally decided it was going to take drastic action on my part to make them change that ruling. No one really understood how unhappy I was until I ran away. After that, Dad wouldn’t have sent me back to my mother even if he’d have had to go on the run himself, to keep me.”

  “And you never blamed him for not knowing how bad your home life was?”

  “How could he have known? He was on a ship hundreds of miles away. He only had my mother’s word that she was taking proper care of me. He probably thought I was exaggerating things a bit because I missed him and wanted him to come home.”

  Kelly bit her lip.

  His tone a cross between exasperation and genuine curiosity, Shane asked, “Why do you seem to want me to be angry with my father?”

  “That isn’t what I want at all,” she assured him quickly. “I’m just trying to understand you. Everything that went into making you the man you are.”

  Settling her bare body more snugly against his, he murmured, “I guess I can understand that, considering the circumstances.”

  “Do you still think about your childhood? About those two weeks you spent on the streets of Memphis?”

  “I still have dreams about it sometimes,” he answered after a moment. “Nightmares, sort of. I don’t have them as often as I used to, and I think someday they’ll stop altogether, but every once in a while I still wake in a cold sweat, with memories of those weeks in my head.”

  “Will you tell me about them?”

  “I spent every penny I’d saved from allowance and birthday money on a bus ticket to Memphis, which is where my father had last been stationed. When I got there, I slept curled up in hidden corners. I ate what I could find. I talked a couple of store owners into paying me for sweeping their sidewalks, and I used the money they gave me to buy milk and overripe fruit. I washed up and changed clothes in public rest rooms, washing my spare clothes in the sink and laying them in the sun to dry. I lied to nearly every adult I talked to, but I never stole anything or got into trouble.”

  “Did anyone ever try to...hurt you?” she asked, phrasing the question carefully.

  “I didn’t get close enough to anyone to give them a chance. I’d been living with a couple of quick-tempered drunks,” he reminded her. “I’d learned to be careful—and fast on my feet.”

  “You must have been so happy to see your father.”

  “When I spotted him walking the streets looking for me, I was so happy and relieved that I couldn’t even say anything at first. I just stood there with my mouth hanging open and my knees all weak and shaky. And then I started running, and I didn’t stop until I was in my dad’s arms.”

  She lifted her head to study his face. “It’s so obvious that you love your father very much.”

  “Of course.” He sounded surprised that she would even need to point that out.

  Propping her head on one hand, she used her other hand to trace his strong jaw with one finger. “After all you went through, how did you ever turn out so well?”

  “I think my dad has a lot to do with that.”

  “Maybe,” she agreed, “but I think it has as much to do with who you are. You could have turned out badly, could have been bitter and angry, but you chose to be better than that I admire you very much, Shane.”

  He looked endearingly embarrassed. “Your childhood was no easier than mine. You’ve had a rough time since. But you’ve never given up on your goal of getting your education and you’ve done it with a positive attitude. I’ve never heard you complain. I admire you, too.”

  “Why would I complain?” she asked logically. “I’ve had some setbacks, but I’ve been more fortunate than a lot of people I know who were raised in foster care. Do you know how few foster kids are able to go to college? How many end up homeless after the system cuts them loose as soon as they turn eighteen?”

  “I know the statistics,” Shane replied. “My father grew up in foster homes. He was so unhappy with the system that he worried constantly that I would end up there if anything happened to him. That was when he and I were on our own, after he found me in Memphis, before he knew he had family to turn to. When he first found out his siblings were looking for him, he wasn’t sure it would be a good idea to be reunited with them after so many years. He changed his mind for my sake, mostly. He wanted me to have family if I ever needed them.”

  “We’ve both been fortunate to have ended up where we are when so many things could have gone wrong.”

  Shane suddenly smiled. “As a matter of fact, I feel very fortunate to be exactly where I am. Here, tonight, with you.” His slid his hand slowly down her bare side to her hip.

  Kelly shivered in renewed pleasure. “Speaking of where you are,” she said, her voice suddenly husky, “shouldn’t you be going? What if someone notices that your truck is sitting in front of my apartment this late? We don’t want to start the tongues wagging.”

  His leg moved against hers. “I don’t care if the whole world knows I’m with you tonight,” he said frankly.

  The thought of anyone else finding out that she and Shane had become lovers was enough to send chills through her. She’d been unable to imagine how everyone would react if they’d suspected she and Shane were dating. But this...

  Shane exhaled deeply. “You’re going to insist again on secrecy, aren’t you?”

  “For now. Please,” she added. “I’m still not ready to talk about this with the others, Shane. Let’s just keep it between us for now, okay?”

  “I’ll try,” he conceded grudgingly. “But it isn’t going to be easy.”

  “Just for a little while longer.”

  “How long? When will you be ready to drop the pretense?”

  “I...” How could she tell him, especially while they were lying
together in her bed, that she still had doubts about whether this relationship would last? That she still worried something would go wrong and that she would be the one who paid the price for getting in too deep, too fast?

  “How long, Kelly?”

  “I don’t know. Just...let me deal with my father first, okay?”

  He hesitated only a moment before giving in. “All right. I won’t push you. And I’ll do my best to keep anyone else from finding out for now. But we’ll have to tell them eventually. You know that, don’t you?”

  She bit her lip and kept quiet, thinking that Shane would agree this was the best choice if her prediction came true and they did decide this was all a mistake. He would realize then that she had saved them from a potentially awkward situation, and he would be grateful.

  As for her...well, she didn’t even want to think about how she would feel if Shane changed his mind about wanting her. She wanted to believe she would still be able to socialize with his family and their friends without letting a broken heart get in her way.

  She shifted against the sheets as his wandering hand incited a new restlessness inside her. “Shane...”

  His hand closed over one of her breasts. “Mmm?”

  Her pulse rate accelerated. “You were going to leave?”

  “Mmm-hmm. In a minute.” He scooted farther down on the bed, replacing his hand with his mouth.

  Kelly closed her eyes. “I suppose you can stay awhile longer,” she murmured.

  Shane didn’t reply—at least not with words.

  It was nearly three in the morning when he prepared to leave her apartment. She worried that he was too tired to safely make the hour-long drive, but he assured her he was wide-awake. No one would know what time he got home, he added. He’d deliberately built his house far enough away from his father’s home to give himself privacy.

  He kissed her lingeringly at the door. “Get some rest,” he murmured. “I’ll be back tomorrow to take care of your car.”

  “You’re sure you don’t have things to do at the ranch? I can always—”

  “I’ll be back,” he repeated firmly. “Good night, sweetheart.”

  Sweetheart. Shane was always generous with endearments, she thought as she closed the door behind him, but there had been a new tenderness in his voice this time. If anyone had overheard him, they would have know something—everything—had changed. She could only hope he would try a little harder to disguise his feelings in front of the others.

  She hadn’t expected to sleep at all that night. She thought she would lie awake, replaying the events of the evening and worrying about the future. But she was asleep almost as soon as she turned out the light. She slept with the pillow Shane had used cradled in her arms, and the faint, lingering scent of his aftershave tickling her nose.

  Her dreams that night were very pleasant ones.

  Shane yawned as he and his father pored over a catalog of ranch merchandise, from which they were preparing to order supplies for spring calving. It was Sunday morning and the house was quiet, Cassie and Molly having gone to church. Jared had stayed home to catch up on some of the ranch business that had fallen behind during his vacation, and he’d called Shane to come consult with him.

  “Think you can stay awake long enough to complete this order form?” Jared asked, sitting beside his son at the big desk in the ranch office.

  Stifling another yawn, Shane rubbed his eyes. “Is there any coffee left in that pot?”

  Jared reached for the carafe on the table beside him. “Just about a cup.” He poured it into Shane’s mug.

  “Thanks.” He sipped the warm, caffeine-charged beverage gratefully.

  “You got in kind of late last night, didn’t you? I was out checking on that sick calf at almost midnight, and I noticed you weren’t home yet.”

  He shrugged, keeping his eyes focused on the catalog. “By the time the dance ended and I made the drive back, it was pretty late. I, er, took Kelly home after the dance. We talked awhile.”

  All of which was true, he rationalized, if not the full truth.

  “Everything okay with Kelly?”

  “Her car wouldn’t start last night. She had to get a cab to the dance. I promised her I’d look at it this afternoon.”

  “Any idea what the problem is?”

  “It sounded like the battery or the alternator. I think I’ll be able to fix it.”

  “Did she ever decide what to do about her father?”

  There were few secrets in the Walker family. Shane knew Kelly was right about their changed circumstances making the rounds should word get out. “She’s decided to meet with him.”

  “Has she?” Jared made a mark on the notepad in front of him. “What made her change her mind?”

  “She wants closure, I think. Some answers, if she can get them.”

  Jared grunted. “I hope it goes well for her.”

  “You don’t think it’s a good idea?”

  “You know how I feel about digging around in the past.”

  “I know how you feel. But you have to admit it paid off for you to be reunited with your siblings.”

  Jared shrugged. “I didn’t have to deal with the bastard who fathered me. As for my brothers and sisters, we don’t talk about the past. We concentrate on the friendships we’ve formed as adults.”

  “Kelly isn’t expecting much from her meeting with her father. She’s still pretty mad at him for running out on her and her mother.”

  “Can’t blame her. He left his child alone to deal with the illness and death of her mother. What kind of jerk walks away from his own kid?”

  “He, uh, he’s in the military. He’s been stationed overseas for most of his career.”

  “That wouldn’t have kept him from picking up the phone. Or writing a letter. Or coming to get Kelly when her mother died. I was on a ship in the middle of the ocean when I found out you were in trouble, but I had little difficulty getting out to take care of you.”

  Shane couldn’t help thinking of the years he’d spent so miserably in his mother’s home, waiting for a call from his father, praying for the visits that had come so rarely. His love for his father had never wavered during those years, but there had been times when he’d wondered why Jared didn’t come home more often. He’d wondered why Jared didn’t realize quite how bad things were in Shane’s childhood home, even when Shane had tried to tell him. And—every once in a while—he’d been a bit angry with his father for not doing more to protect him from his mother’s neglect.

  He had never admitted that before. Not even to himself. Kelly had understood his childhood feelings even better than he had himself.

  He looked up to find Jared studying him intently. “Are you thinking about Kelly and her father now—or about us?”

  Shane winced. His father had always been too damned perceptive. “There might be a few similarities,” he admitted. “You were in the service. You were away a lot. Kelly’s mother had terminal cancer, mine was a hopeless alcoholic. But you were there when I needed you most. You gave up your military career rather than let me go into foster care. And you’ve been a part of my life ever since. You would never have abandoned me the way Kelly’s father did her.”

  “There must have been times when you were mad as hell at me—and rightfully so. Your mother and I were young when you were born, and I knew zip about being a father. She and I were so miserable together that I started looking for excuses to stay away. I trusted her to take care of you, even if she didn’t take very good care of herself. I was wrong.”

  “You did the best you could.”

  “I could have done better. I’ve always regretted that it took an act of desperation on your part to get through to me.”

  Jared had never talked like this before about those early years. Shane didn’t quite know what to say in response, except, “I don’t blame you for my mother’s problems or for a stupid court decision. I have never blamed you.”

  “I know you don’t. You’ve never blamed m
e for anything—not even when I deserved it. You’ve never given me any trouble and you’ve never resented that I’ve been a better father to Molly than I was to you at her age. You’re a good son, Shane. I’m very proud of you.”

  He swallowed hard, touched beyond words by his father’s rare eloquence. “Thanks, Dad.”

  “You know, of course, that I’m always here for you now. If there’s anything you want to talk about, I’m ready to listen.”

  Shane shifted in his chair, wondering if Jared was simply making a generalized offer or if he suspected that something momentous was going on in his son’s life. There was nothing he would have liked better than to talk with his father about what had happened between him and Kelly. But he had made her a promise, and he couldn’t renege on it now. “Er...no, there’s nothing right now. But thank you.”

  Jared nodded acceptance. “Consider it a standing offer. Now, about those newfangled ear tags.”

  Shane tried to concentrate again on the order forms, but part of his attention remained on the conversation he’d just had with his father. Odd. That was the second time in recent weeks Jared had made obscure comments Shane hadn’t known how to interpret. Was it only coincidence that the comments had come at a time when his relationship with Kelly was undergoing such a drastic change? Or did Jared know more than he’d admitted about Shane’s feelings for Kelly?

  There were times when Shane wondered if Jared knew him better than he knew himself. This was one of those times.

  Chapter Twelve

  “I’m really sorry I woke you, Kelly. I thought you’d be up by now.”

  Since it was a rare day, indeed, when Kelly slept until noon, she wasn’t surprised that Amber hadn’t expected her to still be in bed. She yawned delicately, then held the telephone receiver close to her mouth again. “Don’t worry about it. I was just catching up on some of the sleep I lost during finals.”

  “I’m really sorry I disturbed you.”

  “Please, stop apologizing. It’s past time for me to get up anyway.” Turning her eyes away from the rumpled bed where her life had changed so dramatically only a few hours earlier, she tried to pay attention to the conversation with her friend. “What’s up?”