Learning to Heal

by Cole, R. D.

  “We need to go and straighten this mess out. I can do this on my own, Mason. I have a trust fund and the plan I have is solid.” She sits up again and looks at me with her exotic, sky blue eyes that always take me somewhere else. “What you did was amazing and I will always remember it, but I refuse to allow you to go through with it. It’s crazy.” I see the plea in them and feel her hands shake as she reaches out and grabs mine. “Please, Mason. I can handle Jax. He’s my brother and it’s a rule for him to love me regardless of my screw-ups in life, but I can’t handle him being mad at you.”

  She straightens her shoulders and gets the determined look back that always makes me smile, like she’s about to pull out her pink cape and save the world. “Now get your ass down there and tell them the truth.”

  I sit there watching the sway of her sculpted hips as she heads toward the door. She might be determined to do this on her own, but I’m determined not to let her. Raising a child alone isn’t easy. Just ask my mom. Plus, this is probably my one and only chance to prove to her that I can be good enough. Taking back what I said earlier is definitely not happening, no matter what she says.

  She gives me a look that says “get your ass going.” I ignore it, though, and just stare at her, hoping she knows that I’m not backing down. When I finally stand and walk toward her, I’m feeling different … confident even. I smile at her and watch her red-rimmed eyes widen with confusion. She might be stubborn, but so am I when it comes to people I care about. And I more than care for Jazz. I’m totally in love with her.

  Mason has lost his damn mind. That’s the only reason I can come up with for his actions yesterday. I tried talking to him about it while we were alone, but the idiot wouldn’t listen. For someone so smart, he’s acting so stupid.

  I bang my head on my steering wheel while waiting for the light to turn green. His last word to me before he walked out that door is all I hear in my confused head. No. That’s it. He just bent down to my level and smiled while that two-letter word rolled off his tongue. Did I argue? Nope. Why? Because I was frozen in place. I didn’t recognize this person in my friend’s body. Yeah, I was surprised by the confidence I saw in him while he strutted toward me. Yes, people, I said strutted. Mason Reed turned into some sexy person I’ve never met in my life and strutted. His look was suggestive instead of just cute. Whatever! I blame his stupidity on the fact he has a penis and my heated libido on hormones. According to the pamphlet my OB gave me they are all over the place.

  I hear a horn honk and raise my head noticing traffic is going again. However, before I can push the gas the douche behind me honks again. Why must people mess with me today? I just roll down my window and show them my newly manicured middle finger. I don’t feel like wasting my oxygen by telling them to fuck off.

  Finally, an hour later, I reach the dorm. The campus is pretty much a ghost town since most people are still on Thanksgiving break. Until classes start back up Monday, I’m hoping to have peace and quiet. And even though I might get bored being alone and away from home, I just had to leave. I couldn’t take the looks of disappointment directed toward me any longer. David took Mason and Grace home after he left the office yesterday. Mom, being her sweet self, gave them both a hug and sent them home with plenty of food. Nobody else said a word, though. Well, except David. He was acting like nothing had happened.

  Walking in the dorm, I have second thoughts about staying here. I might want some R & R, but being here still brings back horrible memories of last week. I still can see Tru unconscious on the gurney and Jax crying while following behind her limp body. They moved her to a different room due to the crime scene, but we’ve been staying at the fraternity house with the guys. I’m definitely not going there and taking the chance of running into Mason. I’m hoping in time he’ll really think about what I said and stop this ridiculous idea. Idiot.

  I decide to just forget the last twenty-four hours and head to my room. I just want to sleep because I’m so tired. After I roll my bag through the doorway, I decide to text Tru one more time. I haven’t seen her since I made my announcement and she walked out. I tried to talk to her several times, but Jax was being an ass.

  I close my eyes after I fall on my pillow, waiting to see if Tru responds. I hate the silence. I hate being alone like this. I feel more alone right now than I can ever remember. My family is who I’ve always depended on to pick me up when I’m upset. Not this time, though. This time I have to depend on myself.

  After a few minutes I hear banging and jump up with a shrill scream. I quickly look around and notice I’m in the dark and the moonlight is causing creepy ass shadows everywhere. I guess I slept longer than I thought.

  The banging continues so I look around for something to use as a weapon, just in case. I don’t own a gun like Jax, but I do own some candy apple red, platform stilettos that I’m sure can cause major damage to someone’s eye. I rush to the closet and grab one before I slowly creep to the door, holding it up. I’m scared to death, but I think of Charlie’s Angels and know if they can do it then I can do it.

  When the banging happens a third time I yell, “Who’s there?”

  “Mason.” I pray he’s here to tell me he’s changed his mind.

  After unlocking the door, I crack it open with my shoe still gripped firmly in my hand. I lower it when I see it’s truly the idiot himself and not an imposter. Of course I might still kill him if he wants to continue with his stupid idea.

  I study him for a second to make sure my hormones are in check and I’m not seeing the sexy Mason I did yesterday. He’s still cute with his clean, baby face that hides his dimples. His dark green eyes look almost brown unless he’s in the sun. Then they transform into the same green as the leaves that grow on the ancient oak trees.

  When I’m satisfied I allow him in. Holding a brown paper bag, he smiles softly when he passes me. I smell the greasy food emanating from its contents and my mouth fills with saliva. Realizing that I haven’t eaten since before I left Pensacola, I shut the door and grab the bag from his hands. I don’t care if it’s rude. I’m still upset with him and I’m starving.

  He laughs while I shove a few fries in my mouth. “Hungry?”

  I just shrug my shoulders and grab a water from my mini fridge. After I sit on my bed, he follows suit and takes the bag from my hands. He passes me my food and then grabs his own. Looking down at the greasy goodness in my lap, I discover he brought me my all-time favorite burger. A chili cheeseburger from The Dew Drop Inn. I glance up and smile at Mason, who’s watching me with interest.

  It amazes me how easy food can change my mood these days. Before this pregnancy is over I’ll be rolling everywhere just to get around. I remember my manners that have been branded into me by my mom and tell him thank you.

  He just smiles and takes a bite of his hot dog. We eat in silence and it feels like yesterday didn’t even happen. Mason’s so easy to be around and can make anyone comfortable in his presence. I never feel judged, and even now, after everything coming to the surface, he acts like the same sweet Mason I met a few months ago.

  When I’m full I start to feel better and my attitude dissipates. I exhale a deep breath and lie back on my bed to stare at the ceiling. “Man that hit the spot. Thanks again. I didn’t realize I was so hungry.” I hear the bag crinkle as he throws away the trash and then I feel the bed shift.

  He lies beside me and looks at the ceiling too. “Now can we talk?”

  I turn my head in his direction and watch his profile. He scrunches is brow while he thinks of what to say. With dread I sigh and agree because it has to be done. “Yeah.”

  “Good. I want you to hear me out before you say anything. I have to get this out and I know you.” He smiles and turns his head to face me.

  I can’t help but smile back and nod while I wait for him say what he wants to say. He reaches for my hand and holds it in his. I feel the rough callus on the pad of his thumb as he rubs my palm, and I start to relax.

  He turns his face
away from me but continues to caress my hand. “Yesterday, when you announced you were pregnant, I panicked. Then I reacted before I knew what I was doing. However, I won’t take it back. I know you feel like you can do this on your own, and I’m sure you can, but it’s hard.”

  He stops and takes another deep breath. Event though I want to interrupt, I don’t. I told him I’d be quiet and listen and I’m a woman of my word. “My mom raised us on her own and I see the load she carries and the effects of being a single mom. She wasn’t always like that, though. When I was little she was happy, but then my dad was sent overseas and never came back. After that it was just the two of us and she was the sole provider for me. Luckily, the Army was good to us and we were left with a fair amount of life insurance, but Mom still worked and we eventually had to move to Mobile so we could live with her mother.

  “When I was eight she met Grace’s father. After they were married and my sister was born, the fucker emptied the bank account and filed for divorce. Shortly after, my grandmother died and she had no help.” He finally looks at me again and tightens his hold on my hand as my heart squeezes for his family. We’ve never had such a deep conversation before, and I don’t know what to think at the moment. For now I won’t think. I’ll wait until he leaves.

  “I refuse to picture you like that, Jazz. Tired and resentful of the hand life dealt you. So like it or not, I’m going to help you. If you don’t want me to know who the father is I’m cool with that. If you don’t want others to know then I’m willing to be the name you give them instead. As far as I’m concerned, any asshole that leaves someone while she’s pregnant is a complete waste. Especially someone amazing like you.” He whispers the last part so low I’m not sure I heard him correctly. Then I see the pink rise in his cheeks and smile in his direction.

  His story has left me speechless, so I just continue to look at him while I absorb his words. I’m dumbfounded that this guy is willing to sacrifice his life to help me out. Yeah, we’ve become friends, but I can’t let him do this.

  “I understand where you’re coming from because of your mom, but I don’t want you to give up your life. I’m not the only one who’s gone through this, and I definitely won’t be the last.”

  Releasing me, he sits up and places his elbows on his knees while he holds his head. I watch as his Henley stretches across his broad shoulders. He’s not overly built like some guys, but I’m sure he has muscle on his lean frame.

  He continues to sit there for a minute before he concedes. “Fine, tell people what you want. But regardless, I will be here for you. It would just make it easier with you agreeing.”

  I sit up next to him and lay my head on his shoulder. He’s my friend and I’d hate for him to be angry like everyone else. “Let me sleep on it. Okay? I’ll let you know tomorrow.” The offer is tempting, but I’m not sure if I can go through with it.

  He rests his head on top of mine and puts his arms around me and squeezes. Then I feel that unwelcome rolling in my stomach that has occurred more often than I’d like. Morning sickness for me has become all damn day sickness.

  I jump off the bed and feel the top of my head ram into Mason’s chin. I don’t care because I feel like my stomach is going to expel out of my mouth.

  After I grip the toilet, my favorite food becomes my worst enemy. I really enjoyed that burger too. Dang pregnancy had to ruin my bad habit.

  When I’m finally able to lift my head, I see Mason through blurry eyes and feel a cool rag on my forehead. I gulp for air and taste the bile that coats my throat. “Sorry.”

  He squats down and cleans my face for me gently. “See. Having me around might not be so bad after all.” I can’t say anything at the moment because my throat still burns, but he might be right.

  The last three days have been pretty good with Jazz. She’s still not happy with my decision, but she finally stopped asking me to change my mind. To show her how helpful I can be, I bring her breakfast every morning and call later in the day to see if she needs anything. I don’t hang out with her all day, though. I don’t need her to feel smothered and start trying to convince me to change my decision.

  It’s the Monday after Thanksgiving and time to confront Jax. I know he just returned to Mobile yesterday and is moving Trudy into his new apartment, but this has to be done. He’ll probably hit me again, but Jazz is worth it, even though it hurt like a motherfucker.

  I drive around looking for his Jeep because he never told me which building he was moving in to, only the apartment complex. After another minute I spot it. Then I see David run down the steps and grab a box out of the back.

  He stops mid stride when he spots my old Ford Ranger pulling in. His face forms that stupid grin that he thinks makes every girl “cream her panties” as he walks over to the window. I get out of the truck because my window doesn’t roll down. Plus I have a feeling I’ll need to go to Jax instead of the other way around.

  “’Bout damn time.” He slaps me on the shoulder, laughing like this is the funniest thing ever. “I wasn’t sure you were going to show.”

  “Of course I showed up,” I say in annoyance and look past him toward the stairs. I look back at David and wish he could be serious one fucking time. “Is he here?”

  “Hell yes! He’s been waiting on you to finally show your face. Now grab a damn box, fucker.”

  Finding that hard to believe, I just shrug like it’s no big deal. I really don’t want to fight again with Jax, and I won’t throw a punch if he swings again. I would do the same if I were in his shoes. He’s been a great friend since the day I met him and he’s had to rescue my ass more than once. I might not be as tall or as built like David or Jax, but I can usually hold my own, unless it’s two against one. When I first joined the frat I was targeted by a few of the other brothers. Maybe it’s because I’m quiet and keep to myself. I don’t really know, but in the beginning I was seriously thinking of quitting and moving into a dorm, but Mom wanted me to stay. Supposedly it looks good on future job applications. David and Jax had my back when one of the brothers decided to bring a girl to my room for a private party. He wouldn’t take the hint, and he and his buddies acted like they made the rules and if they wanted to sleep with a girl in my bed they could. After a few sucker punches to the gut, they were thrown off me and Jax helped me off the floor. Needless to say I wasn’t picked on after that and my bed was off limits to any more private parties.

  Grabbing a box, I follow David up the stairs as he rambles on about some redhead he hooked up with over the weekend. Even though I couldn’t care less, I nod my head while trying to analyze all of this visit’s possible outcomes. Picturing Jazz in my mind eases my nerves some and makes this easier. I know she told me to confess to everyone the truth, and as tempting as that might be, I refuse to do it. My anger starts to escalate, and I feel my blood start rushing in my brain whenever I think of some piece of shit touching her then leaving her on her own.

  “Calm the fuck down, dude. Don’t go in there looking for trouble.”

  David’s right. Even though my anger isn’t directed toward Jax I can’t say differently without giving away the truth. “Yeah, sorry.”

  We reach the door and David knocks loudly. I hear a movement on the other side before Tru opens up with a smile. It falls however when she sees me standing there and I feel like shit.

  “Mason.” Her voice is strained as she looks around awkwardly. “Come in.” She turns to David and gives him an evil look, most likely because I’ve showed up unannounced.

  David pushes his way in with the box he came downstairs for and places it on the bar. He sees me standing in the small entryway with my hands in my pockets not knowing what the hell to do now and decided to yell so the whole building can hear. “Hey, pussy. Grow a penis and get in here.”

  Taking a deep breath, I walk in his direction because he seems to be my only ally at the moment. He might be a dickhead at times, but he’s a good friend when needed. And I definitely need him now. Before I get to him
Jax comes out of the hallway and stops when he sees me.“Mason? What the fuck are you doing here?” His eyes narrow as he stands there. I can practically see the image of him ripping my head off my neck reflecting in his glare.

  “I need to speak to you.” My voice is surprisingly steady and my eyes remain on him. When it comes to his sister I’m more than serious. I’m also determined. She seems to make me more without knowing it. Braver. Happier. Just more than I was before her. I guess love is the ultimate super power because I’d take on the world just to make her happy. And facing her brother and my friend feels like I’m facing the world.

  His brow furrows while he eyes me up and down for a few seconds. Finally, he nods and turns back down the hall without a word.

  I follow behind and pass Tru, who’s sitting on the couch unpacking. She actually smiles softly before she continues what she’s doing. Maybe that’s a good sign that today will go well. Maybe I won’t get a busted lip this round. I walk into the room and shut the door behind me, ready for whatever he wants to dish out. It’s now or never. “I love her.”

  That’s the first time I’ve admitted my feelings for Jazz out loud and it feels good … natural, like I’m meant to say it. I want to shout it to the world at times, but then I remember that she doesn’t love me in return so I restrain myself. He still has his back toward me and I can tell he’s tense. “I won’t let her go through this alone, Jax. I only want what’s best for her.”

  After a few seconds of silence, interrupted only by his breathing, he finally speaks. “You want what’s best for her?” I’m about to say yes, regardless of his angered question, but he continues. “What’s best for her is not to be pregnant at nineteen fucking years old or ever for that matter. What’s best for her is to stay away from assholes like you who are unable to keep your pants up.” He finally turns his eyes on me. Instead of the anger that matches his voice, I only see sorrow. “Do you realize what this means?”