Learning to Heal

by Cole, R. D.

  “Um … well … I’m kind of seeing someone. Or just his appendage anyway.” I just stare, praying it’s not Mason. I don’t think she’d do that, but I can’t help the feeling of jealousy that settles in my belly. “It’s Ryan.”

  Relief has my breath rushing out. “Thank God. I thought you were going to say Mason.”

  Now she looks offended. “Oh hell no! There’s only one thing I want to do with his appendage. And that’s stomp it a few times with my spiked heels. And how can you think that? You’re my girl.”

  “I know but my mind and emotions have been recently screwed over. Sorry.”

  “It’s cool. I know you’ve had a ton of shit handed to you lately.” She comes over and gives me a tight hug. “Are you okay with me fucking Ryan? I mean I know he’s friends with that shitdick. And he’s an annoying ass, but he knows how to lay it on me to make me scream out and purr like Chewbacca. That’s for damn sure.” She winks at me and I can’t help but laugh as she thrusts her hips repeatedly and lets out exaggerated moans, especially when the doctor walks in at the exact same time. Luckily he keeps his professional face on and shakes our hands like he didn’t just catch her dry humping the air.

  After a few questions we do another echo and learn that I will need a procedure done shortly after delivery. It’s not open heart—thank goodness—but involves them routing a new valve through one of my main arteries and directing it to my heart. This should fix the issues of breathlessness and dizzy spells. I just wish it could fix the sadness that still has me crying at night.

  Later that night we order pizza a watch a movie with Tru and Hero. Cory loves anything sci-fi but also has a soft spot for zombies. I notice her constantly looking at me throughout the movie and it’s starting to piss me off.

  Throwing my zebra pillow at her when I catch her again, I ask what her problem is. “Do I have something on my face? I have been bathing lately you know.”

  She rubs her nose where the pillow hit. “Ow, bitch. That’s my sniffer.”

  “Then stop staring. You’re giving me a bigger complex than I normally have. Now tell me what’s going on.”

  “She’s staring because your boobs are as big as mine and the cleavage you’re sporting is amazing.” Tru laughs while shoving popcorn in her mouth. Her confidence has made her cocky. I wink at her because I love her and she’s just so dang cute.

  “Now. You...” I point at Cory “...what is going on?”

  “Well Ryan just texted me.” She bites her lip and a bad feeling settles in my chest. “Mason is home.”

  My recovered good mood disappears and my gut feels like someone just kicked me. I feel the burn in my throat and I swallow, continuously fighting the tears. No more crying, Jazz. You are over this, remember?

  Cory and Tru both come over and hold me. My head lays on Tru’s shoulder as she tries to reassure me. “Don’t do this. You didn’t deserve the things he said to you. You didn’t know about professor douche bag’s family. No one did.”

  They continuously tell me how it’s not my fault. How he should have told me he was married instead of lying. My dad has a lawyer as well as a private detective looking into it. If he did it with me, Dad is positive he will do it with other students. Hopefully that’ll provide enough proof against him. If not, then after the baby is born he wants a paternity test to use as proof. I don’t want that bastard in my life or in my daughter’s life. I even told them about the subtle threat he made of taking away my child the day he showed up at my apartment. Dad’s positive he’s bluffing. If anyone on South Alabama’s board was to find out he slept with a student, then he’d be fired. Why risk it?

  Once a few minutes have passed I’m more pissed than sad and decide to try and let it go. “I’m good. Just a surprise, that’s all.” Shoving pizza in my mouth, I smile and show my cheesy grin. Literally. This causes them to laugh and the subject seems forgotten. For them anyway.

  When the girls leave the next day for class I decide to go to the gym. I know it’s weird for a pregnant woman to work out, but I feel my ass jiggle whenever I move. That’s my cue to do some toning in my derriere. Instead of getting a membership to another gym, I go to the one on campus—no fees because I still have my student ID. I talk to the girl behind the reception desk and she shows me what’s safe and what’s not. My heart condition is no one’s business, so I just nod and do as she says. After a good forty minutes my muscles are burning and I’m sweating like a pig. That is definitely enough.

  After I grab my towel I feel someone staring in my direction. Trying to be discrete, I look in the mirror in front of me and see a guy I recognize from Jax and David’s frat house. He’s really good looking with blond hair and brown eyes. He smiles and starts walking over and suddenly I feel out of my element. Where did my flirtatious side go? She must still be buried under a rock because I’m feeling scared and shy instead of sexy and confident. Should I leave or stay? He’s standing behind me before I can make a decision.

  “Hey. Jazz, right?”

  Turning around to face him, I trip on my bag that sits at my feet and my face smacks right into in sweaty, muscled chest. “Oh Shiznit!” Sweet lawd baby Jesus! He smells yummy.

  He laughs as I pull away but keeps his arms around my waist. My child kicks me hard and I’m positive he felt it because he moves away.

  “Little kicker in there, huh?” He shakes his hand like it actually hurt. Unintentionally, I watch his muscles and veins roll up his arm like waves. His forearm gracefully flexes and my eyes follow the movement to his bulging bicep.

  Slapping myself for being weird, I bring my attention back to his chiseled face. “Yeah, she’s like me I guess. Small and feisty.” I stand there like a dumbass, not sure what else to say. “Um … I don’t remember your name, but aren’t you with the same frat as David and Jax?”

  He finally backs away and takes a towel out of his back pocket to wipe his face. He’s very good looking, but I feel nothing: no need or urge to flirt; no need to fantasize about driving him wild. What the hell is wrong with me? Am I ruined for all other men?

  “Yeah. I even helped you move into your apartment.” He sticks out his hand. “My name is Bo-Bo, but they call me Bo.”

  Shaking it, I laugh. “Bo-Bo? What kind of name is that?” If my laughter offends him I really don’t care. Besides, he’s laughing with me so it must be okay.

  “Yeah. I know. My name on my birth certificate is top secret. So I just stick with Bo-Bo?”

  After the laughter stops the awkwardness surrounds me again. I grab my bag ready to go home where I’m comfortable. “Well, Bo, I really need to get going, but it was nice seeing you again.”

  I hurry past him and rush out the door. Before I get to my car I hear my name being yelled very loudly. I know exactly who it is and smile. Turning I see Cory. When my eyes land on Ryan it falls though. Instead of walking my way with her he goes the opposite direction toward an old black car. She hugs me when she reaches my side.

  “Hey, chick.”

  “Hey.” I look toward Ryan’s direction again, but he’s gone.

  “So who’s the hottie with a body eye fuckin’ you, lil’ mama?”

  I shake my head with confusion and look where her eyes are directed. When they land on Bo and he waves. I just ignore it and turn back to her. Might be a bitch move, but I’m pregnant and recently heartbroken, so frankly I couldn’t care less

  “Nobody important.”

  We start walking and she talks about how her classes suck ass without me since I dropped out. I don’t get another word in but I’m fine with it. I’d most likely bring up her relationship with Ryan hoping Mason is mentioned. She seems to have more energy than me lately and keeps the conversation going. I really miss my old self. Maybe she wouldn’t be a glutton for punishment.

  After I arrive back home I feel lost in the quiet, so I walk to the nursery and look around. The white crib I ordered finally came in last week. It looks beautiful with its curved, ornate wood and hearts carved in the head
and footboard. It took a while to get David and Jax to put the damn thing together, but after I told them I’d do it myself, they finally showed up. Right now it’s sitting in the middle of the room because Cory is still working on the mural. It looks beautiful with a pale yellow castle on a grassy hill and whimsical trees surrounding the valley below. Fairies and sweet creatures are placed in different locations within the kingdom. I sit in the white glider with its pink cushion and rock back and forth while playing with my belly. Smiling and laughing genuinely for the first time in weeks, my stomach rolls with her active movements and I feel a peaceful warmth settle over me. I know deep down it will all be okay. Maybe not today. Maybe not tomorrow. But one day.

  On my flight back home I think of my family. Not just mom and Grace, but Grandma Ginger—AKA Gigi—Grandpa Frank, Symone, and even the woman who stole my dad away from us all those years ago. Her name is Candice and she is someone you can’t stay mad at. Believe me, I tried. She has bright red hair and a fiery personality to match, but she can also make you laugh if you need it.

  When I first arrived in Indiana I was surprised to be greeted with so much warmth and hugs. A feeling of being wanted settled inside my gut, as well as some guilt. Was I betraying my mom from being here? Instead of dwelling on the question, I pushed that thought to the back of my mind and embraced them as much as I could. These people were interested in my life and even wanted to meet Grace when I told them all about her. Symone was awesome and the total opposite of me. In fact she reminded me a lot of Jazz with her outgoing personality and never ending energy. She had her mom’s hair but our dad’s eyes, just like me, and that one little trait meant the world to me. Somehow the man I didn’t really remember left us something to remember him by. Where I was tanned like my mom, she was pale like hers and had a lot of freckles. She liked to date but has avoided anything serious because she’s determined to travel or attend a University far away from home. I used to have the same dream, but I knew deep down I couldn’t leave Grace. So instead of Virginia Tech I stayed in Mobile.

  The day of the funeral was surreal. I stood there listening to all the stories of a man I will never meet or never know how his voice sounded saying my name. He was successful and owned a small electrical company here in town. Candice is really not sure what she plans on doing with it yet. They have money from his business and I’m proud of them and angry with Mom at the same time. If she wouldn’t have run and let him in, she wouldn’t have had to work herself so hard all these years. She could have done more for herself and us. But she didn’t and I may never understand why.

  When Symone sang a song called Daddy’s Hands at the service, I listened with envy. The relationship she had with him was something I’d never experience and it pissed me off at times, but I couldn’t change that no matter what I did, so I just tried to enjoy the time I had left with everyone else. I refused to look at the lifeless body in the casket. When everyone asked why, I told them that was not how I wanted to meet my father for the first and last time. I’d rather have the videos and pictures.

  Through all the commotion and chaos during the visit my mind always had one constant: Jazz. The thought of her and the baby on their own; the baby girl with no dad; Jazz without me. Most importantly, me without them. Man it hurts in the worst way when I think about it because for all these months together they were mine, or that’s what I thought anyway. And now that they aren’t anymore I feel like something vital is missing. My heart.

  No matter how pissed I was and still am, she is always there. Her smile and laugh invade my thoughts and I’ve even had a few detailed dreams of the two of us together. The night of our first time constantly replays in my mind. No matter how many thoughts I have, I can’t get over the picture Chanda sent me. And the more the image inhabits my thoughts, the more I feel like I made a huge ass mistake. Did I just jump to some stupid assumption? Should I have looked at the photo better and really studied the details? Yes. I always study details and take time to make a reasonable theory that is probable. Not that night, though. I just jumped to conclusions. I mean, I don’t remember seeing any intimacy between the two of them and her face was blocked. Who’s to say she wasn’t giving him the finger or holding up her pointiest stiletto to use as a weapon? Nobody. And since my phone is smashed, I can’t check. So instead I battle the feeling of complete dread as I decide what to do.

  After getting my luggage, I head to a waiting cab and head to the frat house. I missed midterms and need to get with my professors about the death in my family. Gigi gave me a copy of Dad’s obituary as proof in case there are any issues. Seeing as I’ve never missed any previous tests and my grades are high, I can afford to make a zero on the test. I’m not too concerned.

  I head to my room ready to crash for a little bit, but before I get there I see David coming down the hall. His eyes narrow and he looks like he’s going to rip my head off. I brace myself.

  He walks over and gets right in my face. “You have some serious balls, fucker. I really, really want to kick your ass back to wherever you just came from, but I’m going to leave it for Jax. He’ll be happy to learn you’re back. I will say this though … Leave. Jazz. Alone.” He shoves past me so hard I drop my bag.

  After going to my room, I lock the door and look around. The first thing I see is the picture of Jazz in a frame by my bed. It’s the one Jax gave me all those months ago to make her fake I.D. The one that caused me to fall in love. I stare at it for a few minutes before I shove it in the drawer. After the encounter with David, my need for sleep is gone and now I just want answers. Going downstairs, I use the house phone to call Ryan and let him know I’m back and need a ride. He says to give him a bit so I grab something to eat. A few guys are in the kitchen discussing only God knows what, but I know they are staring at me. Who knows what rumors are going around this place? Maybe I shouldn’t stay here, but I’m not going to run or put up with this shit. They can just kiss my ass and get over it. None of them have any clue what happened that day. Then a thought occurs to me. Maybe I don’t either.

  Later that day Ryan takes me to get a new phone since I ruined my old one. He knows some of what happened because I called him while I was in Indiana so he could check on Mom and Grace from time to time. I mentioned the photo but not who the guy actually is or that he’s married, only that he’s the real father and how we’ve been lying to everyone all these months. He really didn’t understand why I jumped in the middle of her drama to begin with, and he probably never will. Being in love is something I doubt Ryan’s ever experienced. After we get a bite to eat, we head to his uncle’s car restoration shop. Pulling in, I see Lyric talking with Jim, Ryan’s uncle, beside a fine Pontiac GTO. I really don’t know a lot about cars, but this one is old and a classic. It’s nothing but shiny black and chrome with silver flames on the hood. I help them wire some stereos and tell him about my sister Symone and how she’s coming down the week after next for her spring break. She wants to meet Grace and see the campus at South Alabama. Mom probably won’t be thrilled, but I honestly couldn’t care less. I’m still pissed about the whole lie. But I miss her too. Forgiving is easy, but forgetting her lies will be a different story.

  “So, dude, is your sister hot?” Ryan’s driving me back to my mom’s place so I can tell her everything. I give him a look that tells him to back off. He laughs and shrugs his shoulders while looking back toward the road. “No worries. I already have a regular booty call.”

  “Oh really? You found someone who can actually put up with your dumbass for more than a few seconds?” Looking out the window as he parks his car, I see my truck in the parking lot. I can’t wait to see Grace and Mom.

  “All I need are those few seconds to have her screaming my name. Besides, you know her. It’s that chick Cory. The mouthy brunette. And she likes to purr and make some weird ass noises, but dammit, boy, she is like an animal.”

  Cory’s name immediately brings Jazz to mind. My heart feels hollow with how things turned out. I ask what I wan
t and need to know. “How’s she doing? With the pregnancy and all?”

  He shuts the car off and looks at me like I’ve lost my fucking mind. Maybe I have because since that night I haven’t felt the same. I haven’t felt right.

  “Why ask? It’s only going to make things worse? So don’t worry about it. Personally, I don’t give a shit about that two timing bitch.”

  My head turns in his direction as anger and rage cause my heart rate to spike. I’m ready to knock his teeth in. “Shut your fucking mouth. You don’t talk about her like that. Got it?” My voice is full of venom. She might have screwed up some things in life, but who hasn’t? Nobody will talk about her like that.

  “Whatever, dude.”

  I get out and slam the door before grabbing my bag and making my way up to my mom’s apartment. Not looking back, I knock on the door. With the way we left things I don’t feel right about just walking in, so I wait until Mom opens it.

  Hearing the lock turn from the opposite side, I feel my body tense. I’m not ready for another round with her, and I hope it doesn’t come to that. When her face appears I watch her blue eyes get watery and her body crumple before she throws her tiny frame against me.

  “I’m so sorry, Mason. So, so sorry.” Her body shakes against mine so I squeeze her harder and tell her I love her. She’s my mom and I’ll always love her.

  Her reason for keeping my dad from me is one I will never understand. Hurt and heartbroken, she wanted to make him suffer the way she suffered, so she decided on a whim the only way to do that was to keep me from him and lying to him about how I didn’t want to see him or his mistress. When she was scared that he’d get a lawyer and claim his rights, she gave him everything in the divorce. The house, the business, and car. She threatened to take it all since he was in the wrong and had an affair.

  After an emotional discussion and reunion, I tell her about the family and Symone. She seems hesitant about meeting her at first but soon realizes how I need that family as much as I need her and Grace. After the uncertainty disappears, I watch some excitement build as she talks about everything we can do while she visits. Hell, I’m even excited and have an urge to call Jazz to tell her all about it. Reality slaps me in the face with a hard ass glove and I remember she’s no longer a part of my everyday life. Dammit! I really need to see that photo again because the feeling from earlier is still hanging over me like a black cloud—the feeling of knowing I totally fucked up.