Learning to Heal

by Cole, R. D.

  I try to reach out but hear movement beside me. “Hold on, Jazz. Don’t move.” Tru’s voice is close and then I feel her touch on my hand. “I’m going to grab Jax and tell the doctor you’re awake.” She leaves and I feel the coldness of where her hand was just a moment ago. In fact my whole body feels cold and shaky.

  What did she mean doctor? Then I hear the familiar beeping and some not so familiar scratching noises. Inhaling deep I smell the familiar scent of disinfectant and immediately know I’m in the hospital. Now I’m scared.

  Slowly, I try to open my eyes again and after a few attempts I succeed. I see the ominous IV pole with its clear tube hooked up somewhere in my flesh and the heart monitor with its colorful wires leading to the horrible sticky pads that adhere to my chest. I hate those bastards. Out of all the painful things I’ve had to endure throughout my hospital visits, those things are what bother me the most. Have you ever had to pull them off? They’re like leaches to your sensitive skin and hurt like a bitch coming off.

  I feel my heart pick up and the familiar burn in my throat. I’m scared and angry that I’m here. Again. After all the years of taking precautions and trying to avoid ending up here under these circumstances, I’ve failed. I’ve allowed my emotions to take over and almost lost not only my life but my daughter’s. Then I remember Finlee. Panic accompanies my anger and I reach over with all my strength and touch my still swollen belly. When her active movements set in I start to calm and take deep breaths to slow my heart rate. Whatever happened must not have been too bad if they didn’t take her, right?

  The door opens and Jax rushes in with my parents on his tail. When he grabs my hand and kisses my cheek I see his lip is busted and swollen. “What happened?” Before anyone can answer we are interrupted when the door opens again.

  I watch as an older nurse with grey hair and kind eyes walks in with a syringe full of something. “What’s that?”

  “It’s just something to keep you relaxed while you’re awake. The doctor wants to try a different method instead of the previous way.” She cleans the valve on my IV tubing before she sticks the syringe in and presses the plunger. Immediately, I feel warmth start to spread up my arm. We wait for her to leave before Jax answers my previous question.

  “Your oxygen level dropped very fast and you passed out. You were rushed here and quickly sedated and put on some much needed oxygen.” He moves to the foot of the bed so Mom can take the chair beside me.

  “Um … thanks for the info, but I was actually asking about your lip.” Even though he’s just answered my next question, I exhale loudly. “No wonder I feel like shit. Oops!” I glance at my parents. Cussing in front of them is something I have always tried to avoid.

  Mom just smiles and wipes her teary eyes. “You can say whatever you want. I’m just glad you’re awake. I’ve been so worried all week.”

  “What?” My voice rises and my throat burns as the words push their way out. “Week? I’ve been here for a week?”

  Dad sits on the foot of my bed wearing his serious expression. “They put you under and hooked you up to a ventilator in an effort to get your levels up and avoid delivery until the baby’s lungs are more developed. They’ve given you steroid shots and antibiotics are being provided through your IV. The doctors feel it’s best to do a cesarean tomorrow or the next day so they can go ahead and put the new valve in. Apparently the old one gave out and started leaking way more than usual so they’ve kept you calm with sedation but decided to wake you up and explain everything to you before we take you back to the OR. Also, you need to remember that after this new valve is in place, you need to continuously take medication to prevent a blood clot from forming.” He pats my leg and looks at me with the look of a reassured dad. “Everything will be fine. I know it’s against a doctor’s protocol to say that, but the team working on you and my granddaughter are very good, so I don’t want you worrying any more than you should.”

  “Thanks, Daddy,” I whisper and feel relief. He winks but I still see the shimmer of tears in his eyes.

  Soon the doctor and nurse come in and explain the procedure to me. It turns out that I will be getting a mechanical valve instead of a biological one like before. That’s why I’ll be on blood thinners daily. They also explain that I can have more children in the future, but I really need to plan the pregnancy appropriately so they can better care for me. News flash, people. I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant.

  Everyone kisses me goodbye and leaves, everyone but Tru. She’s sitting beside me biting her nails. “Are you okay? I know this has to be hard for you, but I promise anytime you want to keep Finlee you can. She is going to love you so much.”

  Looking at me she smiles. “Promise. I can keep her some nights?” I nod my head and see her worry is still there. “Look. I need to talk to you and I really don’t want to do it now but you need to know how Jax got his busted lip.”

  “Um, okay?” I push up with my elbows gingerly to sit straighter and wait.

  “Someone is here and refuses to leave. Someone who explained everything to all of us. Someone who loves you so much he busted your brother’s lip when he tried to keep him away from you.” She takes a deep breath before she continues. “Mason has been by your side every day, Jazz. He hasn’t been home or to class. I’ve been forcing him to eat and drink to keep himself healthy. He refuses to leave the hospital or even this room until he knows you’re okay.”

  The thought of him with the redhead has my inner bitch coming out. Even though the thought of him being here causes my insides to melt, I won’t admit it. I shrug and act like I really don’t give a shit. “Well I’m sure his new girlfriend won’t be too happy about that.”

  “Well, Jazz, the thing is the girl who was with him that day is actually his sister.” I look at her like she’s lost her mind. “I know it’s crazy and hard to believe, but she is his sister. They have the exact same eyes.”

  “I don’t understand. How is it possible?”

  Then she tells me of the day I fell apart. Apparently he fell apart too. His mom’s constant lies over the years piss me off and my heart breaks for the boy who grew up without a father who truly wanted him. My tears stop long enough to imagine me ripping out Chanda’s black evil heart for spreading lies when she has no idea what went on in my apartment that day. How that dickhead has threatened to take my child away and ruin my life. When Tru tells me about Symone and how she is so much like me, I feel happy again because he found his missing family, even though depressing circumstances are the reason that made it happen.

  “Wow! Mason will never meet his dad. That is so sad.” I feel so bad for him and have an urge to hold him and make it better. He now has so many people that love him and want him in their lives. Little does he know that I want him in mine too.

  I see her standing only one hundred feet away from me and my body ignites. Maybe it’s from nerves or excitement. At the moment I can’t tell, but I’m ready to find out if she’s willing to forgive me or not. After a few steps forward, I notice I’m still the same distance away from her as I was a moment ago. I try a second time but have the same result. Fuck! I feel frustration set in so I throw down my bag and start to run toward her. Running is something I never do, but I know I should be gaining some distance. I’m still in the same spot where I started. Turning in a circle, I run my hand through my hair while trying to figure out how to get to Jazz. Maybe she can come to me.

  I turn around, ready to yell her name, but she’s no longer standing. Her form is lying on the grass and I can’t tell if she’s dead or alive. My heart leaves my body as fear sets in. I start to run again, but the distance between us refuses to shrink no matter how long my legs move. People are all around the campus but no one seems to notice the love of my life lying in a heap on the ground, not even the people walking passed her prone form.

  “Someone help her. Can’t you see her?” I yell as loud as my lungs allow but nobody listens. They continue on their way like we’re invisible. “Help!
Please help her.”

  I see David walking my way so I yell at him, but he just continues to talk to the girl he’s walking with. When he gets close I reach out, desperate to make contact so I can shake some sense into his dumbass, but my hand can’t hold him. It feels like a force is pushing it away from his body. He doesn’t flinch or break stride while I let out a scream full of frustration.

  “Shit! Why won’t you help her? Why won’t anyone help her?” My desperation and fear causes tears to form. My chest burns and I just want to get to Jazz. My heart constricts knowing she’s hurt and I have no way of stopping the pain. So I run. I run so hard my legs feel like jelly. But I refuse to stop until I reach her. “Jazz!” I yell, but no matter how hard I run or how loud I yell, she stays down, not moving and far away. “Jazz!”

  My body jerks and my eyes snap open. I see the white walls of the hospital that have become my home this week and exhale with relief while my heart slows. It was just a dream. Rubbing my hands up and down my face, I flinch when I brush the cut above my eye. Jax has a mean punch, but he still couldn’t stop me from getting to Jazz last week. He would have had to kill me. He still gives me “go to Hell” looks and I can’t blame him. I feel like kicking my own ass after the disgusting words I told Jazz that night. But luckily they listened to my reasons and having Symone with me helped, as well as Dad’s obituary in my wallet. Everyone else has accepted my apologies, but they don’t matter. Only one person does and I just pray she will see me.

  “Mason?” Tru’s voice reaches my ears so I turn and see her leaving Jazz’s room. Jax walks over and grabs her hand. “You can go in now, but the doctors gave her something to relax.

  “That doesn’t mean you can get her worked up either.” Jax waits for my nod before he leads her away.

  Taking a deep breath, I open the large, brown door to her room. When I make it past the privacy curtain I see her. My heart warms and even though she just woke up from being sedated for a week, she is still beautiful. Her hair is in disarray and surrounds her pillow with its golden strands. Her eyes are red and I see some cloudiness in the blue, probably from the medication she was given. The wires and monitors that are watching her and the baby’s heartbeats and oxygen levels surround the bed and side table. She looks so small sitting there with plastic tubing on her face and nose, but not delicate and weak. She looks like the fighter she is. A fighter who’s determined and strong, ready to take on anything and anyone. Including me.

  I remain where I’m at while she appraises me with her eyes. It’s her call if she wants me close, but after the nightmare I just had it’s very hard. I want to run and touch her to prove to myself she’s truly okay and awake.

  “Hey.” I place my hands in the pockets of my jeans that seriously need a wash.

  “Hey.” Her voice is soft and husky, and you can tell it hasn’t been used in a while.

  It still has an effect on my body, though. Not just my male anatomy either, but also my heart that speeds up, my brain that pictures our most intimate moments together, my sweaty hands that are desperate to reach out and touch what’s supposed to be mine, and my feet that are needing to take me closer.

  She must get the hint that I’m waiting on her approval because she points to the chair by the bed and tells me to sit.

  Careful not to pull out any of the wires by accident, I sit and look at her. Now that she’s ready to talk, I’m ready to tell her what I’ve wanted to say ever since I found out the truth.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Jazz. The words I told you that night weren’t true and said in anger. So much shit happened that night and I lashed out ready to get away from all the lies.” I grab her small hand gently to avoid the IV. “After we left the doctor, I knew he was the father. And I was fine with it, but then I received a phone call that changed everything I had ever believed and known in my life.”

  She intertwines our fingers and I feel as though I can breathe for the first time in over a month. “I know everything, Mason. You don’t need to explain.” She wipes a tear from under her eye with the other hand. “I won’t lie and say the words didn’t hurt. In fact, the memory of that night still rips me open, but I understand. After what your mom lied about and your dad having an affair, and not to mention the picture Chanda sent you, I probably would have done the same thing.” She looks at me and I see love shining in her eyes again. “I’ve missed you so much. Not just this...” she squeezes my hand she’s holding “...but I’ve really missed my best friend. The person who always knew a way to make me smile and feel better. I had no one to do your job. And I was miserable.”

  Standing up, I lean down ready to kiss her lips but she turns her face away and I get her cheek. “Too soon?” I ask, trying to hide my disappointment.

  “No, but I have the worst morning breath ever, so until I can brush my teeth these dry, chapped lips are off limits.”

  “Oh really? I don’t think so, woman. I haven’t kissed you in over a month, so you need to get over it.” Before she can argue I grab her chin and turn her face toward mine. “I love you.”

  Then I kiss her. When my lips first make contact, she remains stubborn and keeps them closed. I kiss one corner then the other before I lick the seam of her plump lips. On the second lick I take her bottom one in my mouth and suck. “Mmm! Still perfect.” She opens like I knew she would and I thrust my tongue in. Caressing her tongue softly, I hear a husky purr rumble from her throat. My hand leaves her chin and goes to her pulse loving the fast beat, but then the reason she’s in here hits me. I pull away swiftly. “Shit, I’m so sorry, baby. Are you okay?”

  She looks fine, only flushed. “Um … yeah! Why wouldn’t I be?”

  I scratch my head, too agitated and desperate to calm down. I don’t want to over react. “Your pulse and heartbeat was fast. I didn’t know if that was bad for you.”

  “Come here.” She crooks her finger at me and I see her feisty side start to come alive again. I stand close to the bed again. “Closer.” Bending over she reaches up and runs her fingers through my hair, causing chills to surface before they settle on the base of my neck. “The only thing bad for me is you not loving me or you trying to leave me. So don’t you ever pull that shit again? Because we’re yours and I would never hurt you.” She pulls me down close and I feel her breath on my lips. Her eyes stare into mine and the sky I love and missed is back. “Got it?” I nod, speechless, before she kisses me with a month’s worth of kisses all rolled into one.

  Waiting is something I’ve learned to hate this past week. The second thing I’ve learned is that I can’t live without Jazz in my life every day. She’s my everything and not knowing what’s going on in the OR is killing me. My mind won’t stop thinking of what could go wrong while she’s in there. Not just to her but to Finlee. That little girl who’s being born today is a piece of the woman I love, and over the past several months I’ve also fallen in love with her. I don’t think of her as not being my daughter anymore, not since Jazz and I talked yesterday and we laid it all out on the table. Our past mistakes don’t matter any longer. We learned from them and are hopefully moving on—together.

  I talked to Grandma Ginger yesterday when she called to check on Jazz and her great granddaughter. She also wanted me to know about the reading of my dad’s will. When she told me of a savings account of my dad’s he left for me over the past twenty years I almost fainted. I have never had that much money before in my life and it doesn’t feel real. She plans on flying down after Jazz is settled in and recovered to give me the paperwork. Before I could tell Jazz the news, it was time for her to be wheeled back and so I pushed it aside, but I plan on helping out any way I can and hopefully she won’t argue.

  Feeling a hand land on my shoulder as I make another pass in front of the Coleman family, I look and see Jeremiah. Scanning his facial features I see the tiredness but not fear. I should take that as a good sign and calm the hell down, but I can’t. Not until she’s in my arms again.

  “Son, she’s goi
ng to be fine. I have complete confidence in the team working on her and the baby.” I nod my head because no words will form. I still don’t feel better. “I also want you to know that a father isn’t someone who helps produce a child. It’s the person who loves that child and raises them as his own. Believe me, I know firsthand.” The door suddenly opens and Dr. Parnell walks out. “Doctor Coleman?” Everyone stands waiting for news. “Everything on my end went beautifully. You have a four pound three ounce little girl who has some of the loudest lungs I’ve ever heard on someone so tiny.”

  The women speak with excitement over the news, and I even have a smile on my face, but I need to know how my other girl is. “And what about Jazz?”

  She looks at me with a serious expression. “As far as I know everything was going as planned, but that’s all I can say. My specialty is delivering babies. But everyone working on her are some of the best and have done this several times.”

  We shake hands even though my nerves are still on edge. “Thank you.”

  “Do you want to see your daughter?” Of course the doctor has no clue about the truth and still thinks of me as the father. I glance at the Colemans who are all staring at me with expectancy. Even Jax’s attitude has calmed, and I think Tru is the main reason for that.

  Turning back to the doctor, I nod my head. “Yes, sir. How many can come?”

  “Only two at a time. They have her in the NICU at the moment doing tests, but I believe she’ll be fine and will soon be in the nursery.”

  I turn toward the woman who raised Jazz. The person who taught her how to love openly, but to never let people run over her. “Mrs. Coleman? Would you like to come with me?” Looking at Jazz’s mom, I see the excitement build and she smiles brightly. Her hair is coming out of her ponytail and she’s not wearing makeup, but she doesn’t care.