Learning to Heal

by Cole, R. D.

  After the judge calls order we all stand while the bailiff brings the yellow manila envelope over and places it in the judge’s hands. Jazz reaches for my hand and puts a death grip on it. She is so scared I can feel her body shaking. Dropping her hand, I place my arm on her small shoulders and hold her close, needing to take that fear away. I kiss her temple and look behind us. Tru and Jax are a few rows back with Finlee. We weren’t going to bring her but Jazz didn’t want to be away from her for too long, so they came for support and to kick the shit out of the guy if needed.

  The judge opens the envelope and takes out the papers. “Mr. Oliver Morris Wallace. It seems you are the father of three month old Finlee Breanne Reed. Congratulations.” He hits the gavel and dismisses us all.

  “Thank you, Charles. Sorry, Judge Steiner.” Oliver smiles like a snake and rubs his palms together. “Now I want to meet my daughter.” He makes his way over to where we’re standing.

  Tru and Jax are already by us and Jazz has Fin wrapped in her arms. I kiss her tear stained cheek. “Hey. We’ll make this work. He has nothing on you. It takes some really heavy shit for a mother to lose her children.”

  “Oh don’t be too sure, Mr. Reed. Now pass me my child.” Oliver reaches out and after a moment of hesitation Jazz gives her over. He looks down and scrutinizes everything. “Oh she’s perfect. The only thing that needs to change is the name. Really what kind of name is Finlee? And we’ll definitely need to fix the last name. I mean she looks just like me and no child of mine will have any other name than Wallace.”

  I take a deep breath before I knock the shit out of the bastard. Jax must notice because he shakes his head. But I also see the anger he’s also holding back. Not causing a scene is harder than I thought.

  “Finlee is a great name. So it’s not changing. You might be the biological father and you can be in her life, but you can’t just barge in three months later and act like you give a shit. And you definitely won’t dictate what I choose to call my daughter.” She sticks her arms out when Fin wakes up from the commotion and starts to cry. “Now give her to me. I need to nurse her.”

  He hands her back and glares at her menacingly before I step in and give him a look that says “back the fuck off.”

  “Well I got news. She’s my child and I will have a say in her life. So stop being a dramatic child per usual.” He walks away but looks over his shoulder. “Oh and expect to hear from my lawyer very soon. I really don’t think you’re fit and healthy enough to care for a child, and I’m sure Charles will agree with me.”

  “You son of a—” Jax’s arm is around my waist holding me back.

  “Not the place, man. Not the place.”

  The bailiff’s watching us and straightens his shoulders, ready to come over if he sees fit. I take a deep breath and shake off Jax’s hold even though I’m far from calm. “I’m good.” My eyes stay trained on the dick in a pressed suit as he walks away.

  After the paternity reading we decide a weekend at the beach is needed. So after packing half the nursery up, because I freaked about leaving something, we head to Mom and Dad’s. When I step out of my Tahoe, I see my parents sitting together on the white steps of the front porch. I immediately run to them and let the tears fall. With the warmth of their bodies surrounding me, and the sensation of salty wind in my hair, I feel like a child again. Sometimes even adults need their parents when they’re scared or having a shitty day. I still think my dad is a super hero who will kill the bad guy and my mom is Mary Poppins with the best medicine to make it all better.

  When I finish Mason grabs my hand and we all head inside. After the first hour I know the normalcy is exactly what I’ve needed. My nerves are much better after seeing everyone, and I really can’t help but laugh at Cohen. He is still crushing on Tru and continues to keep Jax away as much as possible. He’s a sly little booger, and Jax can’t blame anyone but himself. He did teach him everything he knows. Suave Cohen even went as far as to bring her a ring from a quarter machine that he had wrapped up with a bow. After he placed it on her finger and she thanked him, he looked at Jax and told him that he could still be in the wedding. I can’t help but smile and it’s been constant. I love my family and without them I don’t know where I’d be.

  Even my sixteen-year-old brother Drew stays home instead of going out with his entourage of friends. He says I’m more important and he wants to be here in case “the wasted fuck” shows up. Hitting him in the shoulder like a good big sister, I tell him to watch his mouth. But he sees my smile. Knowing Mason and I aren’t alone in all this makes it better in a way. It gives me hope that no matter what Oliver says or threatens to do, I will not lose the family that has formed over the past year. He hasn’t seen the Colemans in action when it comes to fighting for our loved ones, but he’s about too.

  David comes up Saturday and the guys go surfing. Mason wasn’t going to go because he’s worried about me, but he needs some guy time. I ask David to get him out there and make him have fun. Being David, he makes a bet with Mason that skateboarding doesn’t take as much skill as surfing and then it’s on. It’s funny to watch my man’s macho side come out.

  After packing up, Dad asks to speak with us in his office before we head home. Walking through the door brings back Thanksgiving Day memories and I can’t believe how things have changed in the past ten months.

  Dad sits at his desk and dials a number while on speakerphone. When the person answers I know immediately its Dr. Whitney. “Hello, Jeremiah. I got your message earlier and I’m glad you called. Is Jasmine able to hear me?”

  “I’m here, Doctor Whitney. And so is Mason.”

  “Good. Well I hope you’re okay with your dad calling me and informing me of the situation. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this, but I want you to understand that in any case, heart issues or not, taking a child away from the mother is a difficult task. She basically has to be deemed mentally ill, have an unstable home, neglect the child, and a number of other situations that don’t count for you. But there is one I’ll let your father discuss. You are healthy and there are no health issues that will affect you raising your child. So with that said I’ll see you for your follow-up in a few weeks and I’m sure all of this will blow over.”

  His words have really helped me with my insecurities of my heart issue, the one thing that has always haunted me in a way. “Thank you doctor, Whitney.” After the phone disconnects, I sit heavily on the couch and exhale loudly.

  “Feel better?” Mason sits to my left and wraps me in his arms. Nodding into his shoulder, I inhale his comforting scent that reminds me of home. “Good, but remember your dad needs to talk to us.”

  “Thanks, Mason. I wanted to—” The door opens and Mom walks in with Finlee. After she hands her to me she stands beside Dad.

  “Have you told them yet?”

  “Not yet. But I’m glad you’re here.” He kisses her temple before he turns his attention back to us. “Okay. There is an issue that may or may not be a reason for this guy to try for custody.” Sitting up, I give him my full attention. “A judge likes to see a stable home life for a child, and yours could be deemed unstable depending on the judge.”

  “What? How is our home unstable?” My heart rate picks up as my calmness starts to disappear. And honestly I’m a little insulted.

  “It’s not unstable by today’s standards, but didn’t you say he was friends with this judge?” Mason and I nod in unison. “Then he could see the image of you two living together out of wedlock as unstable and use it against you.”

  “But we’re engaged. Doesn’t that count?” Mason squeezes the hand that rests on his knee.

  “Like I said before, it depends on the judge. And I have a feeling if he actually wants to take you to court for any reason he’ll try to get a judge he’s close with.”

  Mason releases my hand and leans his elbows on his knees with an exhale. I can’t help but reach over with my free hand and rub his muscular back. “So what should we do? I don�
�t want to move out and leave Jazz and Fin unprotected.”

  Observing Mom and Dad, I see them look at one another and feel like they are reading each other’s mind. I hope one day Mason and I have that type of connection.

  “What your father and I think is that you two should get married. Soon.”

  My mouth hangs open with shock. “Soon? How soon?” I peek at Mason, who is sporting a small smile along his profile. He must see me staring because he looks my way and winks. I return it happily.

  Mom starts to glow as she faces us. “You could go to the courthouse any day during the week and get it done. But I would love to have a little gathering afterward or even a small wedding. Oliver won’t do anything until he gets another job and builds a case so we have time to plan a little something. And if you two give me a month I can seriously whip up a ceremony here on the beach.”

  Wow! Talk about the unexpected subject. I have to admit they have a point, and we are already engaged and living together. I want to be sure this is something Mason wants before jumping up and down with wedding excitement. Even planning a small, intimate one is exhilarating.

  “Can you two give us a few minutes to talk about this before we give an answer?”

  They agree and make their exit, but I have a feeling they’re not far past the door, especially Mom. She has been going nonstop about wedding ideas since she found out I was engaged. A date was never set because of all the shit Oliver started. He’s a pain in my ass and I refuse to let him ruin my happiness with his annoying intimidation.

  “What do you think?” I can tell Mason’s nervous. His voice always adopts a small quiver and some words become high pitched. It’s one reason why I love him. Tingles start to radiate up my arm, and I place Fin on my shoulder. “Honestly, the whole subject caught me by surprise. I know we’re engaged and plan on marriage, but I also know you’re wanting to get further in school.” Standing, I bounce her and think of my next words. I’ve never sugar coated anything so I’ll just be honest. “But I want to marry you.” I stop and look in his direction. “I’d do it today if I could. I’ll do it tomorrow if you want to. But I won’t force you to rush into anything you’re not ready for. Just know whenever you are ready I’ll be ready.”

  He stands and walks in front of me, staring down. The sunlight coming in the window causes his eyes to turn the most beautiful shade of green I’ve ever seen. It always surprises me how they can look brown in the shade and emerald in the light. With dark lashes surrounding them, the contrast is indescribable. He reaches up and touches my cheek. I feel the callus of his thumb rub gently and my pulse picks up, not only with a desire that heats me to my core, but with love so real it heals every wound I’ve ever had and will have in my life. It makes me whole and complete.

  “I’d have married you a year ago. I’d have married you yesterday. And I’ll definitely marry you tomorrow or any day after that.” He kisses Fin’s head. “You two are my world and I need my world to live. So you tell me when and I’ll be there.”

  Call me selfish, but I want to hear him say it again. “Really? You’d marry me tomorrow?”

  “Really. If you want we can go straight to the courthouse and do it.”

  “Would you care if I wanted a teeny tiny wedding?”

  “Nope. I wouldn’t care if you wanted the biggest wedding of all weddings. As long as you’re happy.”

  “Well you are in luck, babe. Because I only want a small one here, on the water, where I grew up. Where you made the stupidest decision last Thanksgiving that turned out to be the best decision in disguise. And I want Gigi and your whole family to come and stay on the beach. We can look into renting a house for them. Is that okay?”

  “Like I said before, we can do anything that makes you happy.”

  Ideas start popping in my head of colors, dresses, and even food. I smile mischievously. He has no idea what he just got into. Or maybe he does and that’s why he loves me.

  Mom discovering Pinterest for wedding ideas is a bad idea, considering we only have four weeks until the ceremony. Announcing the news to people is exciting and surreal because the more I say it, the more real it becomes. This time next month I will be Jasmine Reed. It’s not going to be a huge ceremony or anything, and the wedding party only consists of my close friends. Tru will be my maid of honor, while Cory and Symone my only two bridesmaids. Kenzie is a little upset when she isn’t chosen, but I tell her she has to be a flower girl with Fin and hold her while rolling down the dock/pier. That brings an immediate smile to her face like I knew it would. She loves her niece. Mr. Cohen will be the ring bearer, but instead of walking he wants to drive his Jeep. I tell Mom not just no, but “hell no.” He’ll drive off once he spots a pretty girl on the beach. She only laughed and I know my argument went ignored. Of course Mason chooses Jax as his best man with Ryan and David as his groomsmen. I worry about Cory, figuring she’d be upset about walking with Ryan down the aisle, but she swears she’s fine with it. And she’s even bringing Bo as her date. It seems they have really hit it off and I’m surprised. But I really have no right to be. I mean, look at Mason and me. Total opposites. Maybe country boy Bo and rock chick Cory will end up with a happily ever after.

  The main color really doesn’t surprise anyone. Pink of course. But not just any pink, hot pink mixed with a silver-grey and black to give it an elegant appearance. Because the day will be elegant and the best day of my life.

  As the days pass with busy planning and schedules for food tastings and fittings, no word is heard from Oliver. I’m grateful but still surprised. And as much as I tell myself not to worry, a bad feeling remains in my gut and refuses to leave. I refuse to think about it today because Mom, Tru, Cory, and I are going to pick out dresses. I am so excited and nervous.

  “What if I can’t find a dress that gives me my moment?” I ask while pulling into the Bridal Boutique.

  Cory looks at me like I’m stupid. “What moment? When you say I do or when Mason makes you scream his name in three different languages? You know what they say about the quiet ones, right? They make you holler the loudest.” She wiggles her groomed brows and I can’t help but laugh.

  “No, you horny dork. The moment when I see myself in the dress and I know it’s the one. Like on those bridal gown shows. What if all those chicks on TLC are paid to cry and have somebody poke them in the eye and my expectations are too high so I love a dress but refuse to get it because I don’t cry? And what if I go back for that dress and it’s gone. What do I do then?”

  Mom places her arm on my knee to get me to stop rambling and calm my nerves. “It’s not fake, sweetheart. You’ll get your moment. And if the dress isn’t here then we’ll go somewhere else. Remember your aunt Sophie is a seamstress and will add or subtract anything you want. She’s been dying to help out.”

  My aunt used to own her own boutique in New Orleans that sold hand sewn dresses for women and children. She would always make me some of the cutest clothes when I was little, and I’m planning on getting her to make Fin some as well. She lost the shop when Katrina hit and everything was ruined. After that she decided to move closer to Mom. She’s been contemplating on opening another one, but it hasn’t happened yet.

  Feeling better, we make our way in the shop and notice the continuous racks of color coordinated dresses in different styles and fabrics. “I don’t see the wedding dresses,” I say but get no reply.

  Looking around I see Tru’s wide eyes taking in all the racks of clothes. When she pulls out a price tag they become even wider before she drops it and turns away. She’s so funny when it comes to spending money. Jax has tried multiple times to get her to go shopping for herself, but she always buys him something instead. Not me. I absolutely love to shop.

  And from the looks of it Cory does too. “Hell yeah, Jazz! Look at this one.” She holds up a black dress that’s backless and has a cut out for a bare midriff. “This is hot. Add some fishnet tights and thigh high slut boots and you wouldn’t be the only one getting some tha
t night.”

  “Nope. Not going to have a dominatrix for a bridesmaid. And especially with my grandparents there.” She reluctantly places it back.

  I spot Mom speaking with an older lady behind the counter. She looks to be in her early sixties and is dressed for business in a skirt suit of teal. It looks great with her salt and pepper hair. The lady pours each of us some champagne before walking over.

  “Good morning, Miss Coleman.” She hands me my glass. “I hope you’re ready to find your dream dress today. Shall we head upstairs to the white room?” After I nod she regally walks ahead and leads us into a friggin’ wedding dress emporium.

  It’s the holy grail of dressing rooms, and I hope Heaven looks just this way. It’s a room with white couches and chairs along the walls that are decorated with colorful throw pillows. Each couch has a colorful table with a white centerpiece in the middle and chocolate kisses in a white bowl. Fan-fucking-tastic! Taking a candy out of one, I notice the walls are adorned in the most beautiful black and white wedding photographs and intricate mirrors. She leads us to an area with a white platform surrounded almost completely by mirrors. The only two exceptions are the sitting area for my party and an archway that I presume leads to the dresses.

  After everyone’s seated she leads me to the dressing area where we start talking. I find out her name is Gail and her mother opened the shop years ago. She and her daughters run it now and from the looks of it, business is booming. After she asks me some very detailed questions regarding my colors, venue, and what I would like in my dress, I start the tedious task of trying on dress after dress after dress. After several hours of no luck, I start to feel defeated and a possible nervous breakdown coming on. Then Gail brings out one more. It’s a white princess style gown that’s sleeveless with a straight neckline. The bodice is embellished with jewels and the bottom is made of beautiful layered taffeta. It has a white sash that can be dyed to any color around the waist and creates a bow that falls along my left hipbone. After I’m zipped up and see myself in the mirror, Gail places a jeweled tiara on my head to add to the effect. And what do you know? I have my moment.