by Duggan, K A
“Where are you going?”
Busted.
He rolls over to face me, propping his head up with his arm, torso exposed, ensuring I can’t look away.
“Were you hoping I wouldn’t notice? Because I’ve been awake a long time, you know in case you tried to kill me in my sleep.”
I fall back against the mattress, cursing as I do.
“Ash, I, you’re probably sick of this but again I’m sorry. I don’t know why I keep doing it.” I don’t look at him, my eyes remain on the ceiling.
“Did you do it this much at home?” he asks
I turn to face him, mirroring his position as I rest on my own arm. “No, months could go by without it happening. Maybe it’s you, I’m allergic or something.”
He laughs “Or maybe you’re so attracted to me and suppressing it that at night your subconscious wants to act out all the kinky shit you keep locked away.”
I blush, because he may be on to something. He sees it though. “No shit. That’s why you’re doing it more? Because I’m such a stud? Irresistible?” he’s incredulous.
“Well, it wouldn’t be because you’re modest would it?”
He grins “Just playing to my strengths. You can’t touch my brain, but my body…” he opens his arms wide in invitation and flashes those dimples.
I feel myself blush. Torso and dimples at stupid o’clock in the morning? I’m so screwed.
“You don’t have to go you know. You can sleep in here if you need to be next to me so desperately.”
As I contemplate that option he takes that moment of indecision and grabs me, pulling me down and against him until we’re spooning. I’m rigid for a moment until I relax into being held by him. It’s such a welcome feeling, comforting beyond belief. I’ve had more affection in the last few weeks than I’ve had in an entire year. I didn’t realise how much I needed it.
I can’t close my eyes, though. I’m now wide awake, savouring the fact that his arm is around me, his nose nuzzled into my neck and his body heat surrounding me, I tentatively move my hand bringing it to rest on top of his over my stomach. He makes a contented sound and switches our hands so he can intertwine his fingers in mine.
“Go to sleep, Fliss. Relax, I’ve got you, you’re not going anywhere.” He places a gentle kiss below my ear and in minutes I’m out.
* * *
At home, time used to take an eternity to pass, but then it started going by too quickly before I had a chance to gather my thoughts, and now it has finally run out completely. And the timing sucks because Ash and I are better than ever. Closer than before and affectionate nonstop. It’s my dream come true but I’ve promised I’ll go back home. Gerry is insistent but worse than that he’s right. I’ve had my time. I’ve already been gone longer than I ever intended. This was supposed to be a lapse, lasting no longer than a week tops and it’s already been nearly a month. I took my break but now I have to face the music. I can’t keep delaying the inevitable. I can’t stall any longer. I’ve realised I can’t leave Ash in this limbo, giving him half of me and also never letting it lead anywhere. It’s just as difficult for me. It would be so easy to just give in, tell him everything he wants aligns with what I want. The more time we spend together the more the line blurs. We’re essentially a couple yet haven’t been physically intimate. So I’ve reached my conclusion. I don’t want this, this way. Nothing could ever really blossom between us when our start is full of lies. It’s the ultimate dilemma. Coming clean means this is over but continuing to lie and lead him on when it will come out, in the end, will hurt him more in the long run.
This is a twisted brand of manipulation because there’s no malice intended but that will ultimately be the end result.
The saddest part is I’ve realised life isn’t always about being happy, it’s about being content. He’s given me both which makes me richer than anyone.
I’m making us a meal. And by making I mean, I ordered in burger meal deals. This is meant to be a goodbye meal and while it isn’t fancy it sums us up perfectly, not that Ash has any idea this is the last meal we will share together. I’m going to break it to him over dinner. I’m steeling myself to tell him the truth in the hopes that not only will it ease my conscience but that there will be no fighting for me to stay. That’ll be the last thing he will want. Two birds, one stone.
I’ve dressed for the occasion, discarded my onesies in favour of a crimson ladylike dress. It accentuates all my curves and the neckline displays some serious cleavage. I’m going to need every advantage tonight to ease into the anarchy.
“Mmmm, I love the smell of burning.” He says, appearing out of thin air and sitting at the candlelit table. We may be having takeout burgers but that doesn’t mean I didn’t dress the table romantically.
“Nothing is burnt, thank you very much, it’s well done.” I smile
“Just for the record, I know you ordered in.” he grins
“I did not. I slaved over this meal.” I wink
“In that case, I take it back. In all seriousness, though I hope you didn’t order from the takeaway down the road, they’re known to add dog to their meat.”
My face drains of colour. Shit.
“Gotcha. It’s too easy, babe.” He smirks
I flush every time he uses that endearment, he started it a few days ago. The first time he called me that, he looked just as shocked as I was but now it’s natural for him. “Stop using those against me,” I warn
He grins harder and those bloody indentations on his cheeks draw me in “I have no control over them.” He shrugs, false innocence written all over his face.
“Oy yes you do, Ashton. You wield them to your advantage every opportunity you get. You know they’re my weakness.”
“Then we’re even.”
“Explain,” I demand
“You’re my weakness, especially when you call me Ashton.”
And just like that, I melt. How can he change my on edge mood in a nanosecond just by being sweet?
He pulls me into his lap and kisses me, a real smacker, before releasing me and swatting my arse. I yelp as I steady myself before stepping to the seat next to him and lowering myself into it.
“You’re perky today.”
“Want to know why?” he asks
I shrug
“You left me a shower smiley today. Your first one. Though it looked a little deformed, you need to practice your smiley skills.”
“It was meant to look deformed.”
“Really?”
“Yes, to show that we all have flaws.”
He bursts out laughing “Bullshit.”
“We can’t all be perfect at everything Ash. I’m better at other things.”
“Like cooking?” he chuckles
“I might have hidden talents.”
“Like naked sleepwalking?”
“I don’t really sleepwalk. Never have.” I say just as he takes a bite of his burger.
His eyes snap up to meet mine and I try to remain serious.
“You’re shitting me?”
“No, honestly. When I came to view this apartment I had no idea my flatmate was going to be so hot so I devised a plan.”
He swallows another mouthful and I watch in delight at his cogs turning.
“So that first night I gave up my bed for nothing?”
“Not for nothing. I had an amazing sleep in your double bed, thank you very much. My room is too cold.”
“I’ll keep you warm and then you wouldn’t have to pretend to sleepwalk into my room, you’d already be there.”
“Maybe tonight I’ll take you up on that offer.”
His eyebrows almost shoot through the ceiling. Although this is fun I decide to come clean. I can’t lie about everything.
“Chill out Ash. Of course, I sleepwalk. I’d never do the stuff I do just to get your attention, though your belief in it says a lot about your ego.”
“If we’re telling the truth. Your shower smiley never made me that happy.�
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I pretend to jab my fork in my heart and twist it around.
He laughs “Okay that was another lie but I am happy about something else… my book is nearly finished, just need to hear from my beta reader.”
“That’s amazing. Can I read it?”
“Umm, don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d prefer you waited until it’s perfect. My beta is amazing at pointing out flaws and making suggestions for it to be the best it can. She really should be the first person to lay eyes on it after me.”
“Should I be jealous? Your beta sounds pretty important to you?”
“Oh yeah, really jealous, like spitting mad. I love my beta.”
“Do they have a name?”
“Yes.”
“Well? Is it a secret?”
“Yes, I think I’ll protect my beta’s identity… for now.”
“So mysterious, Ash. Now I’m really worried.”
“Okay, but this is a secret, you can’t tell anyone. Swear?” he jokes
I raise my palm, mocking making an oath “I swear on the holy flatmate covenant to never tell a soul the real identity of said beta.”
He nods, but just to be totally satisfied he holds his pinky out “Pinky swear?”
I roll my eyes but wrap my pinky with his, swearing as I do. “Need me to find a bible to swear on as well?”
“No need. A pinky swear is way more binding than anything else.” He tells me.
“Come on then.” I urge
“Monty.”
“You put me through all that for Monty?” I shake my head as he grins and shovels some fries in his mouth “Okay. Gender?”
“Female, obviously.”
“How did you find her?”
“I didn’t. She found me. She read my first book and loved it, sent me a pm and we’ve been screen besties ever since.”
“Ha, I win. She can’t leave you shower smileys from a screen.”
“Yeah, but she can send me some pretty amazing pictures.”
I frown, knowing I’ve never sent him pics until it dawns on me, the one I did send of my lips. I suddenly feel in competition with myself and it’s bizarre.
We finish our meal and move to the corner settee to snuggle up for a film.
“Thank you.” He says nuzzling my neck
“Don’t thank me yet, Ashton. I have one more surprise up my sleeve. Are you ready?”
“I’m always ready, you know that.” He winks
I jump up and run to the kitchen, grabbing pre-prepared bowls of sweets for our film night. I hand them to him and a wide smile stretches across his face.
“You took out all the green ones. That’s love.” He tells me grinning like I’ve just presented him with the best gift in the world.
“That’s preparation.” I joke back “Otherwise I have to sit watching you rifle through the packets, fishing them out and it’s annoying.”
“Love.” He argues
“If this equates love to you Ash then you’re really easy to love.”
* * *
I’m vaguely aware of being lifted, moved and placed down on something soft again. A gentle kiss is pressed to my forehead “Sleeping beauty.” He murmurs before I hear my door click shut quietly.
I sit bolt upright. Shit, I fell asleep. I had plans for us tonight. Secret farewell plans that didn’t involve falling asleep and dribbling on him.
I throw myself back and lie here, staring at the ceiling, kicking myself for not being more alert. The new me can be bold though, right? I’ve changed, become more confident. Tonight is my last night here, it has to be and I’m wasting it letting my mind tie me up in knots. Across the hall is everything I’ve ever wanted. I wanted him when he was nothing more than a distraction and a profile picture, since living with him, that want hasn’t diminished, but grown. And this is my last chance.
I throw my covers back, tiptoe to my door and on a deep breath decide to take control. I walk into his room, he’s awake as I knew he would be, staring at his ceiling too, his exposed torso illuminated by a bedside lamp. He turns my way his eyes lighting up with curiosity and tinged with hope. Not a word passes between us as I discard my dress and stand before him in my best lacy underwear. His tongue swipes across his lips as he waits for my next move.
A shiver of anticipation runs down my back.
“Please tell me you aren’t sleepwalking.” He groans
I smile and shake my head, biting my lip as I take a step closer. I’m trying to portray confidence I don’t possess, because my inexperience could ruin this.
“There’ll be no stopping me this time, Fliss.” He warns “So be sure before you come any closer.”
I take another step towards him, emboldened by the lust and need in his heated stare. “I’ve never been more sure about anything or anyone, Ash.”
The grin I receive is full of sin and delicious promise.
He jumps out of bed and circles me before coming to stand right before me. My breath hitches as he rakes his gaze all over, appreciation reflected in his eyes as he takes in every curve of my body. His hand curls around the nape of my neck, pulling me closer until our lips meet. No hesitation, no caution just blatant need. He kisses me so hard the pain tingling my lips sears through my entire body. I’m turned on from his kiss alone. His hands slide down my back until they meet my arse “You still have too many clothes on, Fliss.” He says before claiming my lips again, when he pulls back he challenges “Take them off.”
I can feel his impatience, he’s itching to remove them himself but he’s figuring out what I like, what I’ll do and how I’ll react. I’m learning right along with him. I’m in his hands and willing to let him mould me however he pleases. He can take control because I may have initiated this but I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I slowly pull down my thong, pulling on knowledge from films I’ve seen, letting it drop at my feet before stepping out of them. Next, I reach behind me to unhook my bra “Eyes on me, Fliss.”
When I look up at him on his command his heated gaze is enough to scald me. I have no problem complying with that request. There’s nothing better than looking into his eyes on a normal day, even more so now when I get to see them dilate and watch as the colour darkens.
I let my bra drop to the floor and stand before him naked, for the first time I actually remember being. The urge to wrap my arms around myself is huge. New experience. He sucks in a breath before consuming me with his mouth again. Stealing away any self-consciousness or self-doubt. Kissing him, like this, is pure unadulterated bliss.
I tug at his boxers, acting on impulse, wanting to feel his skin on mine and he steps out of them without breaking our kiss. He lifts me by my arse cheeks and my legs automatically wrap around him. I’m placed on a chest of drawers, the coolness of the unit making me gasp. He stands between my legs feathering kisses and nipping at my skin. His tongue swipes across my nipple and I grip onto his shoulders, my fingers digging into his flesh. My eyes close and head falls back riding the sensations, letting him work his magic.
“Eyes on me.” He repeats “Keep them on me.”
He removes me from the unit muttering “I want you in my bed.” He places me on the mattress so delicately as though I’m something precious. His body rests over me, moving lower and lower until his breath reaches the apex of my thighs. He teases my clit with his tongue agonisingly slowly and I jerk at the unfamiliar contact. My back arches off the bed, causing him to chuckle against me before holding me still with one hand splayed over my lower stomach. He resumes his slow torture on me until I’m nothing but a mass of heightened nerves. My hands fly to his hair and I tug at it before pushing his face into me. He growls and becomes relentless in his mission to kill me off. Pressure starts to build and I desperately chase. His mouth clamps completely over me as his tongue swirls unforgivingly.
Faster and faster, he takes me higher, my legs tremble and I feel like my body is nothing but exposed nerves. He’s relentless in his teasing until I don’t think I can take any
more, I’m on the precipice “Fuck, Ash!” I yell
He continues with even more fervour, my words egging him on, he knows I’m close, can feel my trembling. My hands claw at the mattress as a wave of euphoria takes over my body, climbing and climbing until I’m shouting incoherently, thrashing and moaning my pleasure for the whole building to hear. He works me down before crawling up my body, a satisfied glint to his eyes and grin on his face “You have a dirty mouth, Fliss.” He grins wickedly “And fuck, does it turn me on.”
He claims my mouth in a heated kiss, making me forget where it’s just been, until I taste myself on him. He continues to kiss me senseless as he lines himself up with my entrance. He presses forward aiming to penetrate again and again before freezing as though he’s had an epiphany.
“You’re a virgin?!”
I bite my lip. Well, this is awkward.
“In about 5 seconds I won’t be if you quit stalling.” I front it out.
He raises his eyebrows, desire replaced by shock and indecision written all over him “Fliss how, why?”
“I guess I’ve never found anyone I thought was worth giving myself to like this. So completely.” I shrug as if it’s no big deal. I don’t want this to stop. I don’t want him questioning if this is a good idea. I want to feel him inside me. Need to.
I raise my hips in invitation, trying to erase the doubt I now see from him “Don’t stop.” I whisper before placing my lips on his “Give me this, take what you need from me, Ash. Please.”
He rests on his elbows as his hands come up to cup my face. He kisses me deeply and it feels a whole lot like gratitude before he surges forward, his dick inside me. He stares into my eyes as my nails dig into his back. My pulse races as the bite of pain soon gives way to pleasure and all the while he doesn’t remove his eyes from mine. Adoration the only sight I see. We’re locked in. There’s no more talking, just feeling, complete and utter devotion. Everything I feel in this moment is reciprocated. I can see he’s trying to maintain his control, to hold on to it, wanting my first experience to be a great one.
