Sweet Deceit

by Duggan, K A

  “Thank you.” I murmur against him as he strokes my hair comfortingly.

  “Don’t thank me, Fliss. Not for being here for you. I should have come sooner.”

  “I can’t believe you’re really here, after…”

  He cuts me off, “It doesn’t matter. Life’s too short, right?”

  “But… you can’t just forgive and forget.”

  “You feel that?” he whispers, pressing up against me.

  I do feel it. My eyes concentrate on the rise and fall of his chest before I flick my eyes up to his “Your heart? All that proves is you’re alive, congratulations!” I pull back trying to stay composed, trying to keep some distance by being contrary because I don’t feel I deserve his forgiveness. I’ll beat myself up over it forever. Just as I pull away he grasps my hand and spins me back to him.

  “You make me feel alive.” He places my palm over his chest “It only beats like this when you’re near.”

  I let my head drop. Tears are threatening to fall and I yell at them in my head to freeze. Eye leakage at this moment in time is not only unwanted it’s completely unhelpful because he’d wrap me in those arms and they’d never stop. My throat is battling a lump that I’m struggling to swallow past. He means every word. This isn’t Ash messing with me, this is him being real. I let his words wash over me, savouring them for only a second, whilst my heart falls at the sincerity. Knowing I don’t deserve them is killing me. A while ago I would’ve given my soul to hear words like this, but now, now the guilt consumes me. I’ve won and lost all in one.

  Happiness can’t be built on a cocktail of fantasy and lies.

  Why I ever thought it could is beyond me.

  “Let it go, Fliss. Stop holding it over yourself. I forgive you. Now you need to.”

  Ashton

  I’ve processed my anger. Overanalysed and dissected what she did and now I’m healed… partially. She has bigger things to be concerned about right now. I’m here for her in all ways. To lean on, to cry to and to take her snarkiness, anger, and emotional breakdowns. I’ll put up with it all, but I won’t let her beat herself up over something that now feels so meaningless. I will not allow her to push me away again, not now she’s finally admitted her feelings. Not now I know the truth she was hiding. She can’t run this time. I’m armed with all the facts and I still want this. Us. I can’t let her pretend she doesn’t because of some misplaced guilt. I finally understand what pushed her to that sweet deceit.

  “It’s that simple for you to forgive me?” she asks wide-eyed as though she’s waiting for the punch line.

  “Yes.”

  “You don’t have any resentment towards me?” her eyes narrow. So suspicious, Fliss.

  “Zero,” I tell her

  She shakes her head. Still unsure, wary.

  “How can I convince you?”

  “You already have. I was pushing for kicks.” She smiles up at me and I’m blown away. Even now as fragile as she is she’s still giving me what I need, this playfulness that is us in all our glory.

  I pull her back against my chest “I missed you.”

  “Not as much as I missed you, Ashton,” she whispers

  “I beg to differ.”

  “Beg all you like, you’re wrong if you think otherwise.”

  I engulf her, pressing my lips to hers, making her jerk at the contact before she melds against me. I pull away earning me a confused frown.

  “You need to eat, Fliss. You’ve lost so much weight.” She was always slim, but now she’s verging on underweight. She looks gaunt, and although the loss of a parent could be a good cause for this, I know it isn’t. This has been weeks in the making, of not looking after herself and having no one to look after her when she was incapable of doing so.

  “I’d rather just be in your arms.”

  “Food first, then I’ll hold you all day and night.”

  “I’m not hungry, Ash. I don’t need a lecture right now so if that’s why you’re here…”

  “You want me to go?” I challenge “Say it and I will.”

  She drops her head “No, I don’t want you to. I’m sorry, I’m a mess. I just… I’m angry and sad and then you’re here and I’m happy. It’s too many emotions to process. I don’t know how I’m supposed to act. What am I supposed to do?” she whispers on a sob.

  “Take it one day at a time, baby. I’m here for you. I’ve got you,”

  Fliss

  Current mood – Fatigued

  Regret level – Holy shit I fucked up

  I spend the rest of the day in bed wrapped in his arms, apologising repeatedly, crying and drifting in and out of sleep. I can’t believe how lucky I am. A small part of me still believes he’s here for moral support, to comfort me in the aftermath of my mothers passing, that he’s such a good guy he’d fly to be with me in a time like this, so selflessly despite my lies and what I made him feel. A larger part of me feels relief and gratefulness I can never repay. Without him coming to my rescue I’m sure I would have crumbled by now. In between sleeping I’ve been reading our story, at the moment it’s all from Ash’s point of view and it’s beautiful, reading how he felt when he first met me, what living with me was like, what he enjoyed most about our time together. I’m only halfway through so know the toughest part to read is yet to come but reading this from his perspective is a much-needed confirmation, to know his feelings matched mine and he was as frustrated by the situation as I was is a relief. This is something else he’s given to me, wanting me to add to the story from my POV, giving me something to keep busy, to take my mind off all that’s happened.

  I’ve never wanted to write my own story, always been happier to read other peoples work, but this is a gift I can’t turn down and I want him to be able to read my no holds barred truth.

  “I’ve run you a bath.” He says reappearing from my en suite

  I smile weakly, not sure I have the energy to walk across the room but also knowing I stink to high heaven and he’s probably desperate to be rid of smelly Fliss, seeing as I’ve been wrapped around him all day.

  I throw the covers back, gingerly climb out of bed and make my way across the room. My sight is slightly blurry but I shrug it off and hug him “Thank you.” I say as I make my way past him to the bathroom.

  I strip off, climb in and immerse myself in the heat and bubbles, wrapping my arms around my legs and letting my silent tears fall. Wishing that grief wasn’t an emotion that existed. I wash and then lie in my water cocoon until the water goes cold.

  I drag myself from the warmth, wrap the towel he left around me and sway on my feet. I feel dizzy and lean against the wall until it passes. I really should have eaten when Ash told me to.

  I push away from the safety of the wall, take a step forward and the world goes black.

  * * *

  When the world comes back into focus I realise I’m in hospital, the clinical feel, sound of machines and fetching gown I’m wearing are all big clues. Ash darts forward in his chair and is by my side, clasping my hand in an instant.

  “Thank God.” He says as he takes my hand and pulls himself closer. He looks dishevelled and drawn. Worry etched all over his handsome face.

  “What happened?” I ask him

  “You passed out, remember?”

  I shake my head.

  “You fainted in the bathroom and hit your head. You’ve been in and out of consciousness, that’s why we brought you in.”

  “We?”

  “Gerry and I.”

  I bring my hand to the side of my head, wincing as I touch the lump that’s throbbing. That’ll explain my headache from hell. I look back to Ash and being unused to seeing his usually carefree features morphed into concern I play down how I feel, “I’m just tired, Ash. I haven’t eaten, I felt a little faint but just need food.”

  The door opens before he can reply and in walks a nurse. Ash jumps to his feet.

  “Hello, Felicity. Nice to see you’re back with us. How are you feeling?”


  “A little silly to be honest. This is all because I haven’t eaten.”

  She nods as she looks down at my chart. When she returns her gaze to me she says “Felicity, we ran some tests.” Her gaze flicks over at Ash before continuing “Would you mind if I speak to Felicity privately, please?”

  I can see he’s about to argue having to leave me, so step in “It’s okay, I want him here. Is something wrong?”

  I don’t remember hearing the next sentence, because of a sudden whooshing in my ears. My mind settles only on four words ricocheting around my head as I register Ash’ reaction. That’s how I know I didn’t imagine them.

  Ash has quite literally turned ashen. He sways a little on his feet. I can’t help him though. I have no words either, the shock has rendered me speechless. My throat is completely dry. The four words ringing in my head “The baby is fine.”

  Ashton

  The nurse leaves and I fall into a chair, my head swimming with the news she just dropped on Fliss. Pregnant. My mind flashes back to the one and only night we spent together, remembering that I never suited up. No glove, no love. It’s been my motto since I was old enough to be sexually active. But that night was so unexpected, so wanted that in the heat of the moment I got caught out. I have no doubt the baby she carries is mine, what I doubt is whether I can do this.

  We haven’t spoken, clearly shock has set in, rendering us both speechless. My relief that Fliss wasn’t seriously ill was quickly replaced by fear. I look over to her, she’s paler now than she was before. This is a clusterfuck of epic proportions.

  Suddenly, as though she’s only just processed what is happening, she slaps a hand over her mouth “I got drunk.” She says

  I frown “What do you mean, Fliss?” I have no idea what her train of thought is.

  “Mums funeral. I got wasted, you found me on the floor. I’m pregnant and I drank.”

  “It’s okay. The nurse said the baby was fine, remember. I’m sure a couple of drinks won’t matter, it’s not like you’ve been regularly drinking is it?”

  She doesn’t answer my question and I’m not sure if that’s because she has been drinking frequently, because she didn’t hear me or if she’s simply avoiding answering.

  “I don’t want a baby.”

  The sentence hangs in the air like a bad smell.

  Well shit. I didn’t want a baby either. I imagined when I was ready to be a dad I’d be married and it would be something we’d discussed and planned. I thought when the time came I’d be in a place where I could afford to have a child. This was never in my immediate future but years down the line. Hearing her say she doesn’t want one, present tense unsettles me though. We may not have planned for this but she’s carrying my child, someone I helped create and until this very moment I didn’t know how much I craved this.

  Timing is shit, our relationship, if it can be called one is up in the air. We’ve known one another in person for months, hardly the basis we should be building a future on. We’re still figuring out us. I mean we don’t even live in the same country. If I’m reeling then she definitely must be, still recovering from her fall, her grief because if she’s concerned about the alcohol she put in her system whilst pregnant, it must mean she’s already protective of the life growing inside her. Maybe without realising she wants this baby more than she knows.

  “I think maybe we should let it sink in. You’ve had a lot happening the past few days, you need to rest and take care of yourself first and foremost. Everything else can wait, okay?”

  “I’m so sorry, Ash. I never meant to trap you. I didn’t put two and two together. I can’t believe I’m pregnant.”

  “Shhh, it took two of us Fliss, you’re no more at fault here than I am.”

  * * *

  The car journey back to Fliss’ home after being discharged is spent in silence, Fliss curled into my side. Gerry who is driving, frequently looks in the mirror, thinking he’s checking on her discreetly. Turns out this guy I was so threatened by is old, was never a threat and really is an employee of Fliss’.

  I had a lot of convincing to do before he let me set foot in the house the day I showed up after the funeral, which by the way was another shock. Fliss family home is huge, she clearly comes from money and whilst I do too, seeing her wealth is something else. Like her, I’ll also only have my family’s wealth at my disposal by inheritance and I’m happy to never get it if it means they need to die for me to do so. I know Fliss would give it all up to be dirt poor if it meant getting her mother back. Especially now, when she’s going to be a mother herself.

  My head is spinning. Everything has happened so fast. Truth be told I wasn’t quite over her betrayal but once I found out about her mother it forced my hand and spurred me forward to make my move. We may not have spent years together getting to know one another like most couples who date do, but we lived together, we bonded before that online and I’ve been privy to her innermost thoughts from reading and re-reading her journals. Can we work? Especially now that our relationship is moving at the speed of a freight train with our unexpected news.

  The car pulls to a stop and neither of us moves. It’s as though once we do we’ll have to face this reality and neither of us is prepared for it. The door opens and I look out to see Gerry patiently waiting for us to make a move. Fliss pulls away from me and allows him to guide her out and up the steps to the front door. I wait a beat, take a deep breath and follow.

  I feel like a spare part. Gerry escorted Fliss to her room, me traipsing behind and once she was inside he left. Fliss crawls beneath her covers and turns so her back faces me. I want to say something, talk to her, rid this uneasiness in the air. But nothing comes to mind. I pick up the manuscript sitting on her bedside table and leave quietly.

  Felicity

  Current mood - Disappointed

  Regret level – 100x3000 divided by 9 with a pickle on top

  I’m pregnant, echoes in my head. The first time I have sex and I’m stupid enough to do so without protection. If my mother was here she’d be so disappointed in me. I’m disappointed in myself. How stupid could we be? The fact she isn’t here to show her dissatisfaction is another silver lining I guess.

  I don’t know how long I’ve lain here thinking through every option but I’ve at least reached a decision.

  I pick up my phone and dial my doctor.

  Ash will thank me in the long run. He never wanted this, he’d stick by me out of a sense of duty but if given a choice he’d have wanted to wait. I’ve forced him into so much already. I know if I spoke to him about his feelings on the subject he’d tell me what he thinks I want to hear. Deceit seems to be my thing so why stop now?

  I feel better now the pain meds are working and a decision has been reached. I slip from the bed and go in search of him. Finding him sat at the breakfast island writing furiously.

  “Hi.” I say meekly

  He swivels around on his chair and offers up a small smile “Hi.”

  I pull up a seat next to him, glancing at the pages spread over the unit. “Adding to our story?” I ask

  He looks sheepish “I thought my part was over but… I needed to get something else down.”

  “Our pregnancy shock?”

  “Yeah, are you okay with that?”

  “I guess. I mean it is part of our ongoing story. I hadn’t finished reading it though. Will be doing alternating points of view throughout – your take and then mine to see how they coincided?”

  “Sounds good to me and will flow better. Do you really want to talk about this though?”

  I sigh “Was better than awkward silence, wasn’t it?”

  “I think the awkward silence was preferable to conversation filler that is so irrelevant right now. We have to face this. I need to know where you’re at and you need to know where I’m at.”

  “Go ahead.”

  He rubs his jaw before letting his eyes meet mine “I know this was a shock, we didn’t plan for this and may not have wanted it to ha
ppen this way, but I want this baby.” He blows out a breath as though that was a weight off his mind, admitting that out loud.

  “Why do you want it?” I ask, needing to hear a valid reason other than now it’s happened we’ll deal with it. He frowns at my question.

  “Why? Because we created a life, we can’t just extinguish it because it doesn’t fit in with our goals.”

  “Are you religious, Ash?”

  “Not particularly, but I don’t agree with abortion as a goddamn contraceptive.”

  “But you believe having a child that isn’t wanted is better?”

  “Not wanted? I just told you it is wanted.”

  “By you.”

  “Why don’t you want this?” he asks

  “For so many reasons, more reasons than because we’re lumbered with this now so deal with it. We have choices now.”

  “I don’t know you at all do I?” he accuses angrily

  “I guess not. We jumped into this guided by feelings and emotions, we haven’t used our heads. I haven’t been sensible, I let myself get carried away with spontaneity for the first time in my life and look what I’ve achieved. I lied to you, I left my dying mother alone and now I’ve ended up pregnant. None of them were smart choices. None of them were thought through and they are all mistakes I regret hugely.”

  “You regret meeting me?”

  I shake my head “I regret the tactics I used to do so.”

  “Good, that means you have a conscience. And I’m begging you to think of that conscience now. Could you get rid of this baby and live with the decision, without beating yourself up? Without feeling guilty? Without wondering everyday whether it would have been a girl or a boy? Without wondering if we’d have been even happier together as a family? Could you live with whatever the consequences of your actions will be?”

  “I don’t know, Ash. I can’t see into the future. I can only control the here and now. I’ve been so focused on what was out of my control that everything I’ve done to escape that, to pretend like I was in control made everything worse. I won’t be coerced into doing something I don’t feel ready for or equipped to handle.”