Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

by Saralee Rosenberg

  Six

  For most families, the day before a vacation feels like a pinball game. Once the ball is released from the shooter, the flippers move nonstop. There is so much to do (charge iPod, confirm limo), find (where are my green shorts?), pack (camera? check! phone charger? check! passports…shit), and worry about (what if the burglar alarm goes off and the police don’t come?). It’s a wonder anyone bothers to go away at all.

  But for Mindy, the day began on full tilt. Not because she’d been woken at 6:00 a.m. to the sounds of Richard and Beth arguing about which of them would be taking the girls to Aruba. Not because Stacie had a temper tantrum about going to school (“Mom! All we do is watch stupid movies ’cause everybody’s gone!”). Not because Oregon Boy was complaining that he couldn’t find his favorite cartoons on any of the channels. Not even because her first call of the day was from Rhoda, who didn’t bother asking if her grandson’s visit was going well, she just wanted to know why Mindy hadn’t thanked her for sending that e-mail providing important, last-minute packing tips.

  No, the reason the day already blew was because Mindy couldn’t find the five hundred dollars she’d put away for the trip, and retracing her steps had yet to help.

  “You never used to be this bad.” Artie paced in the kitchen. “Lately it seems like all you do is lose stuff.”

  “Me? What about you? When was the last time you left the house without having to run around looking for your cell and your keys. In fact, your definition of “I looked everywhere” means if it doesn’t fall from the sky, you have no idea!”

  “Whatever…Can you at least remember when you made the withdrawal?”

  “Of course. It was the day we met with Waspy at the bank. You went into the conference room and Ricky and I went to the ATM.”

  “Good. That’s a good start. Then what?”

  “Then…I don’t know. I put the money in an envelope and stuck it in my bag.”

  “Could you have dropped it?”

  “No, because I remember seeing it when I had my color appointment. And after that we went to Burger King.”

  “Awesome. If you dropped it there, we can get it back with a Whopper and fries.”

  “I didn’t drop it there! I never even opened my bag because I had a twenty in my pocket.”

  “Thank God. Okay, what else do you remember?”

  “This is hard. It’s been so crazy around here…. Let me think…Wasn’t that the day that Beth had her car accident and left me all those nasty phone messages and e-mails. Oh my God! That’s it! I think I stuck the money in the desk drawer by the computer.”

  “Thank you, Lord!” Artie did a dance in the end zone.

  Only it didn’t turn up there. Or in Mindy’s pocketbook, her car, or the desk in the kitchen.

  “I hate to ask,” Mindy started, “but what if I didn’t lose it? What if Aaron…”

  “Don’t even think it! In fact, if you want to accuse anyone of stealing, it should be Beth.”

  “Beth? Yeah right. Savings and loans come to her!”

  “Maybe. But if she’s leaving Richard, she might need some quick cash. Not to mention, last night she slept in the den, so she had time, she had motive, and she had opportunity!”

  “Well thank you, Lenny Briscoe!” Mindy was near tears. “But think about it. Aaron was staying downstairs, too. Didn’t he have the same time, motive, and opportunity?”

  “He didn’t have motive.”

  “You don’t know that. There’s a whole family history of drug addiction. What if he’s one of those kids making crystal meth from Dimetapp? What if he’s abusing OxyContin? Oh my God, he could have a stroke, or a seizure, or go into a coma, or—”

  “Would you listen to yourself?” Artie snapped. “You’ve got him halfway to Betty Ford with nothing to base it on. Just admit it. You lost the money.”

  “That’s the thing. I don’t think I did…I’m pretty sure I had it when I got home.”

  “Fine. But leave Aaron out of this. He hasn’t done a damn thing wrong.”

  “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…. I’m just so upset right now…. I’m sorry.”

  Artie nodded. They were both stretched to their breaking points. “Problem is,” he said, “whatever did happen, I don’t think I can put together another five hundred to take with us.”

  “Why not? What happened to our overdraft protection?”

  “We overdrafted it.”

  “That nice new bank card with the daisies?”

  “Blew right past the credit limit to pay our medical insurance, plus I know how much you like heat in the winter. But hey! We’ve still got that two-hundred-dollar gift card for Home Depot.”

  “Oh jeez. We are so pathetic. How did we get here?”

  “We’re not pathetic. We’re just in over our heads right now. But next month, we’ll have that new nerd line that Johnny Depp wears. The kids will go crazy for it and sales could double!”

  “Hey, Aaron.” She swallowed. “Howz it goin’? Did you find the Cartoon Network?”

  “Hey, son,” Artie perked up. “Excited about the trip?”

  “I guess,” he shrugged. “Do you hafta call me son? It’s weird.”

  “Oh. Really? Okay. Fine.”

  Yikes! “Would you like some breakfast?” Mindy asked. “We’ve got waffles, cereal—”

  “Not hungry.” He slouched in a chair.

  “Oh come on. No extra charge. Comes with the room.”

  But Aaron wasn’t much into humor. Seems in addition to his dark, tight curls, he’d also inherited his father’s quick trigger for tears, like a malfunctioning sprinkler system. Apparently he did not have a song for every occasion.

  “Hey. Come on,” Artie nudged his shoulder. “Can’t be that bad. Tell us what’s going on. If you don’t like your choices for breakfast, we can go take a run to the diner.”

  Aaron’s face was streaked, his hair matted to his neck. “I can’t do this, man. I can’t go with you. You’re all real nice, but I can’t hack all the questions and everyone lookin’ at me.”

  “Oh, you mean like last night when the kids bombarded you with questions?” Artie started to sweat. “They were just excited, but that’s over now. Done and done!”

  “I don’t fit in. You’re all so happy like.”

  “No c’mon. We’re not happy at all. In fact at the moment we’re pretty miserable. And I could be your wingman. Make sure everybody gives you space.”

  “Yeah,” Mindy added. “And when we get on the ship, you can totally do your own thing. They’ve got tons of activities for teens.”

  Artie eyed her. Did Aaron look like the type who would be interested in activities for teens? He needed to hear the cool stuff. “What she means is they’ve got rock climbing and a basketball court on the ship. And I read that the lobby is nine stories high and—”

  “I shouldn’ta come here…. My band needs me and my girl needs me, too…. They’re all like when ya gettin’ back, man?”

  “Okay, look….” Artie gripped an imaginary rod as if he were attempting to reel in a shark. “You’ll be back before you know it, and I know yesterday didn’t go great, but we really want you to give this a chance, give us a chance…. We all just need time to adjust. And a cruise is awesome. One big party! You got the sun, the pretty girls in bikinis…and it was going to be a surprise, but we’re snorkeling in Cozumel and—”

  “I wanna leave tomorrow. I gotta see my mom. She’s in bad shape.”

  Leave tomorrow, miss the cruise, and maybe never come back? This couldn’t be happening. Mindy took Artie’s hand to show support, though to her surprise, he said that he wasn’t going to argue. If Aaron wanted to leave, he could leave. “My dad always says, when a man makes his mind up, then that’s it.”

  Wait. What? Since when did Artie quote the great philosopher, Stan Sherman? And what was the deal with him giving in so fast? He hadn’t waited all this time to be dumped at the altar. A more likely reaction would have been if he locked Aaron in
a closet until the limo arrived.

  “Hold on,” Mindy said, “let’s just think on this before we do anything crazy.”

  Aaron rocked in his seat as if the music in his head was so much more compelling than listening to old people talk about activities for teens.

  “The kids will be so disappointed, honey,” Mindy tried. “It’s all Ricky’s been talking about…meeting his big brother. And the girls were just saying—”

  “Let it go,” Artie said. “I’ll check online and see if we can change his ticket.”

  “But it’s nonrefundable. We’d have to pay the change fee plus a higher fare because it’s not seven days’ notice, and Aaron, to be honest, money is a little tight right now.”

  “It’s fine.” Artie headed to the computer. “I don’t want to force him to stay and then have him be miserable the whole week. We’ll worry about the money later.”

  Mindy hoped Aaron might start to hedge, but no such luck, and now she was angry. So typical of kids today, she thought. Overindulged cowards. The least bit of conflict and they buckled. If everything wasn’t microwave easy, it was wah, wah, wah. And now Artie was acting the same by giving up without a fight. As soon as he was out of earshot, she sat next to Aaron.

  “We’ll do whatever it takes to make you stay. You want to call your mom every day, so what if the ship-to-shore calls cost more than dinner? You want to have a few beers at the pool, so what if you’re underage? You want to—”

  “Why are you like buggin’ me? Art said it was cool.”

  “No. Art said he wasn’t willing to fight with you and I’m saying you’re a quitter. You made the trip here, now see it through. If you run from this, you’ll run from everything.”

  “‘And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it’s sinking. Racing around to come up behind you again.’”

  “Pink Floyd. Nice. But forget what they think. I want to know what you think. Did we offend you? Hurt your feelings? Are we scary?” She wiggled her fingers in his face.

  “‘I’d rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints. Sinners are much more fun.’”

  “Billy Joel. Interesting musical tastes…“‘How many times can a man turn his head, and pretend that he just doesn’t see?’”

  Aaron furled his eyebrow.

  “Bob Dylan, my friend. ‘Blowing in the Wind.’ You didn’t know that one?”

  He shrugged.

  “I think you’ve got some studying to do,” Mindy teased. “‘I’m just a soul whose intentions are good, Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.’”

  “Cocker.”

  “Bingo. But you won’t get this one. Perfect for a cruise. ‘I’m going, I’m going, where the water tastes like wine. We can jump in the water, stay drunk all the time.’”

  “‘Going up the Country.’ Canned Heat.”

  “Wow…we should switch iPods. I think you’ll be impressed with my—”

  “Don’t have one.”

  “Really? But you live for music,” she paused. “Well, no problem. We’ll just share. Art has some pretty crazy stuff on his, although you’ll probably hate what the kids listen to.”

  “You all have one?” His chin dropped.

  “Yeah.” And there it was. Her moment of Zen. So what if theirs was the smallest house on the block? Compared to how Aaron had grown up, he probably thought of the Shermans as rich folk from Long Island, what with their two cars, three computers, and five iPods. And then Ricky had acted so surprised that Aaron had never been to Disney.

  While lost in thought, Mindy didn’t notice the envelope lying on the table.

  “Oh my God!” she gasped when she saw the familiar bank logo. “Where did you…how…when…I knew it, I knew it, I knew it!” She banged the table.

  “Sorry.” Aaron drummed with two hands.

  “That’s all you can say? Sorry? You stole this from us!”

  “Nope.” He banged out a beat. “Ricky did.”

  “Right. A six-year-old was looking for an envelope full of cash. Is he planning to gamble on the cruise?”

  “‘Because you’re mine, I walk the line,’” Aaron sang.

  “Stop it. This isn’t funny anymore. And what does the song have to do with…Oh,” she laughed. “Johnny Cash…Clever boy, Aaron, but you better tell me what’s going on or I’ll—”

  “Okay, all done.” Artie returned. “It nearly killed me, but I did it. Aaron, you have a flight out from LaGuardia about an hour after we leave. A nonstop, too. Flight number ninety-four. You’ll be home tomorrow by noon because you get the few hours back. Happy?”

  Aaron said nothing.

  “Yes, well before anyone goes anywhere, sonny boy has some questions to answer.” Mindy waved the envelope in Artie’s face.

  “Oh my God. Is that the money? Where did you find it?”

  “You’ll never guess.” She shot him an I-told-you-so look. “Aaron told me that Ricky took it. Ricky who picks pennies up off the street and asks people if they dropped them.”

  “Aaron?” Artie’s voice went up by a half octave. “Spill it.”

  “I did, man. I’m tellin’ the truth. Ricky came down last night and said he found all this money in a drawer and wanted to know if it was enough to go to Disney?”

  “Okay, but why didn’t you tell him to put it back?”

  “He made me promise not to. Otherwise, no Disney.”

  “All right,” Artie said to Mindy. “No harm done. He did the right thing and gave it back.”

  “Only ’cause you’re lettin’ me go home.” Aaron drummed on the table.

  The kids took the news of Aaron’s change of plans better than Mindy expected, though it wasn’t because they were the sympathetic sort. They were just very excited to finally be leaving for this much anticipated vacation. As with Aaron who had never been to Orlando, the Sherman kids were the only ones they knew who had never been on a cruise. Most of their friends not only had oft-stamped passports but a familiarity with the baggage restrictions for international travel. So while it would have been fun if Aaron had joined them, it was woo-hoo, Mexico here we come!

  Artie, on the other hand, was trying to maintain his composure en route to the airport. While the kids were milking every minute of the cool limousine ride, a treat from their grandparents, he stared out the window, unaware that his older son was doing the same.

  Mindy tried to bounce between her excited kids and the two somber men, only to realize that she was too drained to focus on either. In fact, she was already fantasizing about a beach chair and a cabana boy…located at a different hotel than her family. Now that would be a vacation!

  But the second they arrived at the terminal, it was all chaos and keeping track of kids and suitcases and checking in and praying their bags didn’t exceed the weight limit and calling Stan and Rhoda to find out where they were.

  “Looks like we’re all set.” Artie counted baggage claim receipts. “Aaron, you’ll stick with us until we board, and then you’ll go ask which gate you need to go to.”

  “Cool.”

  “Ready everybody?”

  But really. Can you ever be ready for the things you never saw coming?

  The flight was late, the gate was packed, seats were scarce, and big traveling parties likes the Shermans’ had to scatter to find any place to sit. So much for Artie’s plan to use this time for a family huddle and to give Aaron a chance to bond and feel the love.

  Naturally his hope was that he would enjoy all the good-natured kibitzing and wonder if he was about to miss the opportunity of a lifetime. Instead, Aaron got stuck between yoga-posing Aunt Dana and four-year-old cousin Abigail who cried, “Mommy, that boy smells bad.”

  Grandpa Stan came over and asked Aaron if he liked sports, and when he replied no, Stan returned to his seat.

  Mindy was busy refereeing a fight between Stacie and Jamie over who got to use the Bose headsets. “It’s my turn! Jamie got them in the limo.”

  Ricky and his cousin Brandon
were racing up and down the aisles, annoying fellow passengers who had to shift their legs every time the boys flew past.

  Meanwhile, Rhoda, whose seat backed up to Aaron’s, talked to Ira about him as if he were in another terminal. “Such nonsense with the tattoos and the earrings,” she snorted. “Wait until he’s in the real world. The only jobs he’ll qualify for are asking, do you want fries with that?” Good old Rhoda. Inappropriate for every occasion.

  As for Artie? Mindy went to ask him a question and discovered he was gone. But wouldn’t he have told her if he was going to the men’s room or to buy a magazine? Unless maybe he’d decided to check on Aaron’s flight. Come to think of it, why had no one said a word to her about Aaron’s decision to go home?

  Then when Artie didn’t pick up his cell, she asked the family, but per usual, they were clueless. And oh how the mind can wander. Had creditors had him followed and taken him away for late payments? Had security discovered that he’d stashed a water bottle in his carry-on bag and were they questioning his motives? Or what if a resentful Aaron had tied him up and left him in a bathroom stall because his father had bought an iPod for everyone but him?

  “Mom! They’re calling you!” Stacie yelled. “They paged your name on the loudspeaker.”

  “They did?” She jumped up. “What did they say? Did anyone else hear it?”

  Aaron, not wanting anything to interfere with his sulking, pointed to the gate agent.

  Mindy tripped over her pocketbook as she raced to the counter. Sure enough, she had been paged. Mystery solved. Artie had felt chest pains and shortness of breath while waiting in line for coffee and had been taken by emergency medical technicians to the airport clinic.

  “Go with her!” Rhoda pushed Stan.

  “Me?” Stan waved her off. “I’m not a cardiologist. I can’t help him.”

  “Dad!” Ira shouted. “Are you kiddin’ me? You’re a doctor. Go make sure they’re not letting him die on the table!”

  “My daddy is dying?” Ricky cried.

  “Mommy!” Jamie punched Stacie. “She took my cell phone and won’t give it back!”