Dear Neighbor, Drop Dead

by Saralee Rosenberg

  Rhoda’s lip curled. She was livid but listening.

  “That’s why you need to be there. Not to show him who’s boss, to show him you care.”

  “Go down to Florida. Today?”

  “Yes.”

  “But I don’t have a reservation. And have you seen the fares lately? Ridiculous!”

  “Who cares? You’ve probably got more money in the bottom of that big pocketbook than I have in my checkbook. And did Dad give a damn about the fares when he booked his flight?”

  “I don’t know…” She looked like she wanted to smoke. “What am I? A crazy teenager?”

  “No, but it could be fun acting like one.”

  “You call fun going on a wild goose chase? And where would I stay? How would I get from the airport…it’s too much for me! I like to plan everything nice and neat.”

  “Fine. Then sit home and wonder what he’s doing, where he is, who he’s with…”

  Rhoda shifted.

  “What if I call my mom? I’m sure she and Aunt Toby would pick you up and you could even stay at her place.”

  “But what if…,” Rhoda practically whispered, “what if he doesn’t want to see me?”

  “Are you kidding? He’ll be thrilled to see you. He forgot his blood pressure pills. Oh, hold on, it’s Stacie. That can’t be good!”

  It hadn’t started out as a day like any other, so it was only fitting that it get more screwy by the hour. Though Mindy hadn’t worked in two weeks, her job would have to wait. She went back into the office for her things and told the girls to hold down the fort and pray.

  First stop was picking up a miserable Stacie at school so that she could roll up in a ball and die in the comfort of her own home, only there was no time to drop her off, she was going to have to make the jaunt to Nana’s house and then the airport, where Mindy would drop off her miserable mother-in-law and retrieve her miserable husband and his miserable son.

  By the time Mindy and Stacie were hauling Rhoda’s bags from the parking lot to the terminal, she had the woman’s undivided attention.

  “You’ll call his cell when you get down there and tell him you made a dinner reservation for the two of you.”

  “But I don’t know the restaurants he likes. He takes care of those things.”

  “Fine. Then call and ask where he’d like to go.”

  “That’s ridiculous. He’s my husband, not a date.”

  “Rhoda! Yes he is your date!”

  “I don’t like that idea. I’m gonna give him Toby’s address and tell him he’d better get his big, fat tuckus over there right now.”

  “Nana! Oh my God! That’s so dumb.” Stacie had forgotten about her cramps now that she was on an adventure. “That’s not how you get a boy to like you. You gotta be nice and let him do all the talking and pretend like he’s interesting.”

  “Glad to hear nothing’s changed since junior high,” Mindy said as she was about to walk inside the terminal.

  “Mindy!” A man yelled. “Mindy Sherman!”

  “Mommy…over there.” Stacie pointed to the cab stand. “It’s Jess’s dad.”

  “Richard?” Mindy stopped so short, Rhoda nearly rear-ended her.

  “Oh, thank God!” He hugged her. “It’s like a miracle that you’re here. Please tell me you’re just dropping off, not heading out.”

  “Actually we’re here for lots of reasons. Wait, were you on the same flight as Artie?”

  “Artie? No…He’s coming back today, too?”

  “Yes. Rhoda, this is our next-door neighbor Richard, an even worse husband than yours. Richard, meet Artie’s mother, Rhoda…we’re dropping her off and then waiting because…” she looked at her watch, “Artie and Aaron are landing in a few minutes.”

  “Oh, fantastic. I swear I didn’t know what I was going to do. I must have left my wallet in one of the bins at security and didn’t realize it until I got on the plane. I have no money on me, no credit cards, Beth didn’t pick up her phone, big surprise there. I was going to have to see if I could negotiate with one of the cabbies to take me to the city and borrow some cash from someone at my office, but this is perfect. I’ll go home with you now. You have room, right?”

  “Oh. Sure. Yeah. Of course. That’s what minivans are for. We just have to go check Rhoda in and then head back down to baggage claim to meet Artie and Aaron.”

  “Great. This is great!” He hugged her again. “You keep saving the day, Mindy. I don’t know how I am ever going to repay you.”

  Stop being such an asshole? “We’ll talk. I have a few ideas.”

  Rhoda was not happy to have rushed her kishkes out only to discover her flight was running late. “It’s a sign I shouldn’t go,” she quipped.

  “No, it’s a sign there’s a storm down south.” Mindy studied the big board. “Actually, this works out great because now at least you can see the guys before you go.”

  “What for? We just spent a week together and maybe I don’t want to see anyone ’cause this is embarrassing for me. Me chasing my husband like we’re Blondie and Dagwood.”

  “You have no reason to be embarrassed.” Mindy checked the board again. “Hey wait. According to this, their flight is coming in a few minutes early. Let’s everyone go down to baggage claim.”

  “No,” the group said. Stacie needed to use the ladies’ room, Rhoda wanted to buy a book, and Richard wanted to head over to customer service to report his wallet missing. Maybe he’d luck out and they’d tell him they’d found it and it was coming in on the next flight.

  At last they were assembled, just in time to greet Artie and Aaron, who couldn’t have looked more confused. Artie had no clue why he was being met by his wife, his daughter, his mother, and his next-door neighbor. And Aaron, who was bewildered enough, kept his eye on the baggage carousel, as if he might hop on and head back to the hangar.

  Mindy hugged them both, promising that the situation was easily explainable and that if Aaron had been worried that he was going to miss a crazy family life, he had nothing to fear.

  Minutes later, they all wished Rhoda good luck, waving as she rode the escalator to the gate, stoic like Nurse Nightingale, en route to mend a once healthy marriage that had deteriorated from neglect.

  “Did she take her cell phone?” Artie asked as they waited for the bags to come out.

  “Nope.” Mindy watched Stacie and Aaron ignoring one another. “It’s still charging.”

  “She’s had it for two months already.”

  “Yep. Still charging.”

  “Are you sure this was such a good idea?”

  “Getting her a cell phone or sending her to Florida?”

  Next leg of the journey was heading to the car. Until bashert, the hand of God, joined the party, twisting circumstances like pretzels. “Papa!” Stacie ran off, just as they were crossing from the terminal into the walkway.

  “What the hell?” Mindy tried to follow her daughter’s youthful sprint, but it was as if the Red Sea stopped parting. There were so many travelers and bags in the way, she lost sight of her.

  “Did she just see my dad?” Artie asked. “I thought you said he left already.”

  “I thought he did,” Mindy started to sweat. “He should be in the air by now.”

  “Unless the poor kid’s hallucinating from all the blood loss.”

  Mindy didn’t even know how to respond. “Richard, you’re a lot taller. Can you see her?”

  “Think so.” He stood on his toes. “She’s wearing a yellow sweatshirt and jeans?”

  “Yes!” Mindy said.

  “Yeah. I see her. She’s with an older man.”

  “Oh my God.” Mindy felt faint. “I don’t understand…What should we do? Rhoda’s probably at the gate already.”

  “We?” Artie started to sweat. “I think we have to have her paged, ’cause if she gets on that plane and then finds out he never left—”

  “I know, I know…don’t even say it. Okay, you guys wait here and I’ll run in.”


  “Well hold on,” Richard said. “Looks like Stacie’s heading over here.”

  “You guys are absofuckingfreakin’ crazy,” Aaron said, then yawned.

  “What the hell is everyone doing here?” Stan stared at Mindy. “Why aren’t you at work?”

  “Dad, we’ll explain later. She was just trying to help out.” Artie backed away. “Jeez. How much did you drink?”

  “Nothing. One or two beers.” He started to sway.

  “Oh, man.” Aaron laughed. “The old guy’s toast.”

  “Young man, I’m fine…. Has anyone told me what the hell you’re all doing here?”

  “You go first.” Mindy’s heart pounded. “What happened to your flight?”

  “Didn’t get on it.” He shrugged. “It was delayed coming in from Atlanta, so I stopped at the bar…had a few beers…guess I forgot to go back to the gate.”

  “You forgot or you changed your mind?” Artie asked. “’Cause guess who’s upstairs waiting to get on a flight right now to meet you in Florida?”

  “No.” He blinked and swayed. “Rhoda? What’d she do that for?”

  “Because Mindy told her it was a good idea.”

  “Okay!” Mindy yelled. “I get the point. This is all my fault…. Let me go get her.”

  “Then give me the keys and the parking stub,” Artie said. “We’ll get the car, maybe get Diamond Jim Brady over here some coffee. Just call us when you have her.”

  “Good idea. Here.” She was fumbling for her keys when her cell rang.

  “Hey, girlfriend! You are never going to believe who we just ran into.”

  “Nadine, hold on. I have to call you back. I’m in the middle of a crisis here. I’m at LaGuardia and have to go find Rhoda before she gets on a plane to Florida, or my ass is grass.”

  “Oh my God, that’s so funny. That’s who we just bumped into.”

  “Wait? What? Where are you?”

  “LaGuardia. We just landed. We went standby from Indianapolis early and—”

  “Nadine! Stop! Do you know where Rhoda is?”

  “Yeah, she’s at the gate. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. We were walking off the plane and I heard this woman screaming at the counter lady about her seat and I said to Peter, ‘wow, that sounds just like Artie’s mom…you know that loud, annoying bark…and I turn around and there she is. So we go over to say hi, but she didn’t seem interested in talking to us…not that she ever does.”

  “Oh my God…I don’t believe this. Are you still in the terminal?”

  “Yeah. Why.”

  “Because you are about to be knighted. Go back to the gate and get her. She can’t get on that plane.”

  “What’s going on?” Artie asked.

  “I’ll tell you in a sec–do you read me, Nadine? Run. Go get Rhoda. Tell her that Stan is downstairs with us…he never left.”

  “What if she already boarded?”

  “Nadine! Just go get her. Pretend it’s an episode of 24! The clock is ticking…”

  “Okay, okay. Peter…wait up…we have to go back and get Rhoda.. there was some kind of mix-up…”

  “Wait, wait,” Mindy said. “Is your car here?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Perfect, because I’ve got me, Artie, Aaron, Stacie, Stan, Richard, and hopefully Rhoda, plus all their luggage. It’s gonna be tight.”

  “Oh, that’s so cute,” Nadine laughed. “We’ll have our own little car pool. Beth will be so jealous.”

  “Oh my God. Beth…the car pool…I told her I would get the kids from school today. If I switch with her one more time, I won’t get my merit badge!”

  Seventeen

  It was fine with Mindy that Rhoda refused to speak to her when she got in the car, though Mindy did have one regret. Just when she thought they were bonding, she had to hear little quips from the backseat about meshuggeners who liked spending other people’s money on outrageous airfares with no refund policies. Stan, too, gave her the silent treatment as he was unhappy she’d abandoned her post at the office, though in his buzzed condition, and having played with the notion of playing around, who was he to grumble about being irresponsible?

  But the real source of their mutual anger stemmed from having to be questioned by the Port Authority Police and their not-so-friendly dogs after they tried retrieving their luggage. Seems their travel plans had raised suspicion, as they had both made last-minute reservations on Delta, both checked two bags, then checked in for their flights an hour apart but never boarded.

  “Come on. Do we look like terrorists?” Stan began his appeal. “I’m a Jewish doctor and my wife is a grandmother of five.” But when that didn’t fly, he appealed to their personal experience with marital spats. “We had a little argument. I was running down to Florida to shoot some golf. Then my idiot daughter-in-law suggested to my wife that she go down, too, so we could try to patch things up.”

  It was a believable story, but not convincing enough to get them off the post–9/11 hook. They were both banned from flying for thirty days until their backgrounds and alibis could be verified, which meant they would have to drive or take the train to Florida to make their good friend Alan Gordon’s surprise birthday at the end of the month. But good news, at least Stan and Rhoda were talking again. First order of business? Removing Mindy from their wills.

  “C’mon.” Artie unpacked his suitcase, sniffing his T-shirts to see if any could pass the smell test. “You’ve got to admit this was one of your stupider ideas.”

  “It was not stupid—here, just give me those; I’m doing a load of whites next—if he’d have gotten on the plane like he was supposed to, everything would have been fine.”

  “No, because if he’d gotten on that plane and my mother found him with that woman, it would have been a great day to be a defense lawyer!”

  “Fine. You want me to say it was a stupid plan? It was a stupid plan.” Mindy took more clothes out of the hamper. “But at least they’re speaking again. That’s an improvement.”

  “Not usually. I’m just grateful that Stacie was with you and spotted my dad. Otherwise he might still be stumbling around the airport while my mother was searching the bars in Boca.”

  “True…But you know what I do feel bad about?”

  “That you didn’t get a picture of my mom’s face when she saw my dad in the car?”

  “Actually that was funny. She was trying so hard not to laugh. No, what I’m sorry about was all the craziness when Aaron arrived…. I wanted things to go smoothly. Poor kid has been through so much.”

  “Tell me about it. When I got to the house, he was so freaked out about me taking him back here I was almost ready to let him stay and fend for himself.”

  “Why?”

  “Because it’s been a shitty life for him, but it’s still the only one he knows. I just had visions of him sitting in his room here, counting the days until he turned eighteen and could declare free agency.”

  “Yeah, but what kind of life would he have without any parents around? He deserves stability and home-cooked meals.”

  “Me, too. Where do I sign? But then I realized, what the hell difference does it make where he lives? He’ll be miserable no matter what. And Davida’s house was so disgusting, I couldn’t decide between putting it up for sale or setting it on fire, and that was before going over to Wayne’s place, which was filthy and had this cat smell that I swear will haunt me forever. Not to mention that they shut the power off.”

  “Oh my God.” Mindy sat on their bed. “So wait…we can sell Davida’s house?”

  “You know the saying, when our ship comes in, with our luck we’ll be at the airport?”

  “We can’t sell it.”

  “Well, because Aaron is still a minor, once we became his legal guardians we could. But I found out it could go into foreclosure soon. Apparently she owed back taxes, and she had all these legal bills from when she got arrested.”

  “Davida Findley?” Mindy sighed. “Never heard of her.”

 
“Exactly, ’cause believe me, I also thought if the house was worth something, that’s how we’d pay for his college. I swear I don’t know what they were living on. She had no job, no insurance…looked like her only source of income was selling quilts, drugs, and brownies.”

  “Or drugs with brownies…makes you appreciate how lucky we are.”

  “No kidding.” Artie handed her more dirty clothes. “We feel sorry for ourselves because we can’t take a vacation every year. Aaron can’t remember the last new pair of sneakers he got.”

  “It’s amazing he’s even semi-normal.”

  “No, it’s amazing he’s not a drug addict like every adult around him. We’re going to have to get him tons of therapy.”

  “You think he’ll go?” Mindy asked.

  “We’re not going to give him a choice. He told me he’s been drinking and getting high since he was ten.”

  “Okay, now you’re scaring me. What if he tries bringing drugs into the house?”

  “That’s the crazy thing. I think if he found out that Stacie was experimenting, he’d kick her ass.”

  “I can see that. And I would have to agree with you about him seeming responsible. On the cruise he was so protective of the kids…and I know they like him. When I told Jamie and Ricky he was back, they flew downstairs to say hi. They were so happy.”

  “You just made my day,” Artie smiled. “Anyway, the other reason I wanted him here was, last night at the motel we were up all night talking about my business problems.”

  “Oh? He’s a consultant?”

  “No, but he has zero interest in sports and it beats talking about his future. Turns out when I told him how bad the store was doing because of the brands we have to carry, next thing I know we’re online looking at the Eye-Deals Web site and he’s making these awful faces like who the hell would wear that stuff and I’m like, that’s the problem. So he says to me, well can you sell other things, and I go no, there are strict licensing agreements, so then he says, what if I created a Web site for you and you could sell whatever cool glasses you wanted?”

  “That would be incredible…can you do that?”