J.R. Rains Vampire for Hire World_Dragon Lessons

by Eve Paludan

  Elizabeth, the bloodthirsty entity inside of me, added her two cents: Wouldn’t it be great if you had a slasher case? I love those.

  “Down, girl, I am not drinking blood anymore,” I said aloud and rounded up the overflowing bathroom hamper in the hall bathroom. The kids were supposed to do their own laundry, but apparently, I had neglected to nag them lately to do their towels. I realized this when I didn’t even have a clean towel for my own shower, so I was forced to do their giant towel load.

  I walked to the garage, threw a load of dark towels in the washer, then settled down in my home office with a video on YouTube. That was when I got a phone call from a number I didn’t recognize: Through the Looking Glass 41. Yeah, that’s what it said on my display screen.

  Puzzled, I paused the Judge Judy video I’d been watching and answered my cell. “Samantha Moon Investigations. How may I help you?”

  “Sam, it’s me.”

  The voice was familiar, but not one I’d heard on the phone.

  “Archie? Is that you?” I asked.

  “I’ve asked you time and again not to call me Archie.”

  “Yep, that’s you all right,” I said to Archibald Maximus, Alchemist and Librarian of the secret occult book room of the Cal State Fullerton Library. “You sound weird. Where are you, Max?”

  “Where am I? I’m in a book, Sam.”

  “A book?”

  “Yes, I jumped in it with great difficulty. I’m inside the story.”

  “Oh, no, here we go again,” I said, thinking of my experiences with Queen Autumn. “What are you doing there?”

  “I’m surveilling the Jabberwocky who appears on page 42.”

  A slight ping of warning went off in my vampire head, but I pushed it aside for the moment. “You’re surveilling a what?”

  “A Jabberwocky is a dragon.”

  “What book are you in?”

  “Through the Looking Glass. It should have displayed the title and page number on your phone when I called. Catch up, Sam.”

  “Very funny,” I said, now getting it. “Okay, I’m caught up. Tell me what’s really going on.”

  “I’m standing just before the page where it says: ‘The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, came whiffling—’”

  “Good grief,” I said. “What have you and the Caterpillar been smoking?”

  “Sam! This is not a joke! And by the way, the Caterpillar is a Butterfly in this particular book.”

  “Now, you digress, Max.”

  “True. Just listen. I’ll talk fast because I don’t know how long this connection will last. There’s no cell tower here so I had to connect my phone via an angel grid.”

  “Is that something to do with angels?” I asked.

  “It would take too long to explain. The reason I called is, I need your help.”

  “Ordinarily, I would say yes, but right now, we’re in a stalemate with the devil, who’s putting out some feelers for Tammy, so I have her under my thumb for safekeeping. Is this an emergency?”

  “A life-or-death situation.”

  Of course, I would help him. I thought about all the times he’d saved my ass from crazy situations.

  “I’ll do what I can. But can you speak up a bit? From the echo, it sounds like you’re calling me from the bottom of an empty swimming pool.”

  “This audio is as good as it gets.”

  “I see. By the way, you’ve never called me on the phone before.”

  “I know, but this is an emergency.”

  I sat up straighter. “What’s happened, Max?”

  “A mystical relic is missing. It’s been stolen from the entire fiction book world, as far as I can tell.”

  “That sucks. Is the evil overlord involved?” I asked.

  “Either him, or his thugs, demons, minions, or henchmen, whatever you want to call them.”

  “Yikes. What can I do to help?” I asked.

  “It’s important to the fate of the world to recover this object before You Know Who gets his hands on it.”

  “Oh, God,” I said.

  “No, Sam. Haven’t you been listening? It’s the other one.”

  “I know who you meant.” That devil is at it again. “What exactly is missing?”

  “It’s called different things in different books, but it’s the most famous and most powerful relic that has ever existed.”

  “The Holy Grail?” I said softly.

  “Congratulations. You got it in one guess. Though the names of it are many.”

  “Do you have an idea of where it might be?” I asked.

  “I don’t know yet, Sam. I just know that I have to find a worthy dragon to retrieve one of the many literary Grails and that will lead to recovering the others.”

  “I know a dragon.” I rolled my eyes a bit. Duh! I’m a dragon as well as a vampire. And he well knows it. “Well?”

  Maximus sounded a bit embarrassed. “Sam, a male dragon must recover the Grail.”

  “Isn’t that kind of sexist?” I complained drily.

  “Hey, I didn’t decide this.”

  “Who did?”

  “Who do you think?”

  “The Big Guy upstairs?”

  “Good guess, once again. Here’s what I need you to do. Go to the occult book room at the library and—”

  “How can I find the secret door to the occult book room in the Cal State Fullerton Library if you aren’t there?” I interrupted.

  “Trust me. It will appear and open for you.”

  “How?” I asked.

  “What do you mean, ‘how’? At a time like this, you are asking me to reveal the inner workings of my part of the library?”

  “Yes,” I insisted. “I want to know how the secret door appears for me or Anthony, but not for others. I’ve always wanted to know.”

  “Fine. I really don’t have time for this, but you have the bloodline of Hermes and that’s the key. You’re the key.”

  “My Hermetic blood chemistry shows me the door and opens it?” I was incredulous.

  “Yes.”

  “I thought you had to be in the library and press a button or something for the door to appear for me.”

  Max laughed. “Nothing quite so technical. It’s part alchemy, part magic. Maybe part illusion. Your Hermes-given blood lets you see and access the door.”

  “That’s freaking amazing,” I said. “So, how did you get a sample of my Hermetic DNA anyway?”

  “I got your blood off a wall when it was splattered on some occasion or other.”

  “Eww. That’s sort of creepy that you follow me around scraping my blood off walls.”

  “It is what it is, Sam.”

  “I can’t go until late tonight. I have kid stuff going on today, and the kids are gearing up for spring break, too.”

  “Okay, but as soon as you can—”

  Just then, there was a roar, a terrible roar not unlike a sound effect from a Jurassic Park movie.

  “What in the world was that sound?” I asked.

  “The Jabberwocky.” Max sounded worried.

  “He doesn’t sound too friendly.”

  “You may be right. Sam, please go into the occult book room at your earliest opportunity and look for a dragon who is worthy of recovering a Grail.”

  “You want me to look for a suitable dragon in your occult books, the ones I shouldn’t be opening because crazy maelstroms happen when your magic books are touched?”

  “Yes, I want you to open them. But be careful. Research first. And don’t open more than one book at a time or you’ll get cross-contamination.”

  “Cross-contamination. Got it. Hang on, I gotta Google something.” After I quickly did, I said, “Max! Get out of Through the Looking Glass! Now!”

  “Why, Sam?”

  “Don’t you look in books before you leap into them?” I scolded him.

  “I don’t have Google here. And it’s been ages since I read the Alice books.”

  “No Google? What a crisis,” I said, shaking my h
ead. “The Jabberwocky for sure isn’t the noble dragon you’re looking for to find the Grail. If you go to the end of page 42, I guarantee he’ll kill you and go in for a running touchdown with your head tucked under his wing.”

  “How do you know?” Maximus asked, his voice a bit shaky.

  I read to him: “‘The vorpal blade went snicker-snack! He left it dead, and with its head, he went galumphing back.’”

  “Sard!” Maximus swore.

  At least, I thought that was what he yelled.

  The phone call cut off just as a roar of fury burst from the vocal cords of the bad-ass Jabberwocky dragon.

  Chapter 3

  ANTHONY MOON, SON OF THE VAMPIRE

  It’s my first semester at alchemy school, and I can’t stop thinking about this really cute girl named Melody. She’s got curly red hair, hazel eyes, and pale skin with lots of freckles. I never even knew that I liked freckles until I saw hers. My mind keeps making these shapes out of them. Constellations and supernatural animals… random stuff. It’s not just her freckles, though. Her voice is soft, but kinda musical, like her name. She’s from Scotland, and I can’t get enough of her accent. Or those short plaid skirts she wears. She calls them tartans. I call them dead sexy. Only in my head, of course.

  And in my head, it’s Miniskirt Monday, even though the school is calling it Mage Monday. I just know that Melody always wears a short skirt every Monday. Yeah, I even stalk her fashion habits. I also know that she likes white chocolate, daisies, and cherry lip gloss because I can smell it when she walks by. I wonder if her lips taste like cherries, too.

  Even more on the plus side, Melody knows a lot of Scottish alchemy and has the best crystals collection I know of. She’s a senior, but she gives me looks that make me think she might be interested in me. As a guy.

  Not just any guy. A guy with his first car. Actually, it used to be Dad’s car. I just sort of inherited it without any fanfare when I got my driver’s permit. Technically, I’m not supposed to be driving it without an adult licensed driver next to me, but Tammy isn’t much interested in riding shotgun and she’s not quite an adult either. And Mom is busy with her cases—she knows I drive Dad’s car solo, but she sorta looks the other way that she isn’t with me.

  Tammy and I have a love-hate relationship, and today, she definitely hates me. I don’t know why, so I just chalk it up to PMS. I think I know what PMS means: Pretty Mad Sister. I don’t know why Tammy is always mad at me. It’s not that I even realize I’ve done anything to tick her off. She truly just resents that I exist and that we have to share the attention of our single remaining parent.

  Sooo, Melody.

  I’ve been glued to my phone all day, trying to reach Melody to invite her to the welcome dance at alchemy school. I’ve called and left voicemails. I’ve texted. I’ve even used Facebook Messenger, which I usually find annoying, but desperation made me cave and use it.

  But right now, I’m sitting on the can because I couldn’t wait any longer before something gross happened. And of course, I don’t have my phone in here because—after two of my phones have ended up in the toilet—Mom made a rule: no cell phones in the bathroom.

  So, when my phone rang, I was at that point where I just couldn’t get up right away to answer it. I was in the middle of the job and I tried to hurry, but I felt a bit of anxiety go through me that it might be Melody calling back at long last.

  The next thing I heard shocked me. Tammy went in my room and answered my phone, “Anthony’s phone. Tammy speaking.”

  How dare you! I almost screamed, but I kept quiet, so I wouldn’t miss anything.

  There was a pause and then Tammy said, “No, I’m not his mom. I’m his sister.”

  And another pause. “He’s in the bathroom, but I can have him call you back.”

  And then, there was giggling. “Yeah, he spends a lot of time in there doing who knows what.”

  More giggling from Tammy, this time with some meanness behind it. “You’re kidding. How many times did he call you?” Tammy burst out laughing. “Oh, wow, he’s got it bad for you. Really bad!” She giggle-snorted and said, “I suppose that’s why he’s been in the bathroom for so long.”

  I was furious at what Tammy was hinting at. How dare she?

  After a pause, she said, “Yeah, adolescent boys are so gross like that. Yuck, why do they do that nasty stuff anyway?”

  Tammy, nooo!

  I was steaming by now, but I was also frozen to the spot I was in through dire necessity.

  “Yeah, he probably has a major crush on you, but that’s typical for him… it’s kind of cute really. You should be flattered. He’s a mama’s boy, so he does try to pick older girls to go all fanboy over.”

  No way! You’re going down, big sister!

  Tammy continued to ramble on to Melody, much to my utter chagrin.

  “The welcome dance? I don’t know if that’s why he called you. We don’t talk that much… no, no, he’s just a freshman at your school, complete with skid-marks on his boxers.”

  Die, Tammy! Die!

  I tried to finish up what I was doing, but then, Tammy said, “For real. I’ll tell him you called. Nice talking to you, Melody. Great accent. Where’re you from?”

  After a moment, she said, “I want to go there someday. Do they have werewolves in Scotland?”

  Tammy said, “Then I definitely want to go to Scotland. I think werewolves are hot.”

  I almost barfed. The only werewolf Tammy knew was Mom’s boyfriend, Kingsley, and Tammy’s hero worship of him had just crossed into the creepy zone, as far as I was concerned.

  “Yeah, you, too, Melody. I hope Anthony can find someone to go to the dance with him. Poor kid. Sometimes, I feel so sorry for him. He’s kind of a freak. I don’t really want to tell you what his weird problem is—I’m sure you’ll find out soon enough.”

  They said goodbye and hung up.

  Just as I was about to summon the single flame and turn into the Fire Warrior to scorch the nasty grin off her face, Tammy’s voice came through the bathroom door. “Cool your jets, Anthony. If you burn down the house, Mom is going to ground you for life. For life! Think about that! You still want to immolate me?”

  I stopped summoning the single flame and kept my arms from bursting into flames. “I don’t know what that word means, but stop reading my mind!” I shouted.

  “It’s involuntary at this point.” She added, “Oh, yeah, Melody called. Give her a buzz when you get your pants on. If you can get your pants on… and zipped.”

  She laughed in this mean way she has, when she thinks she’s won and she mocks her victim. Her footsteps went down the hall, and her bedroom door closed softly.

  I roared angrily, and the bathroom window rattled with the sound. I finished what I was doing, washed my hands for ten seconds, ran to my bedroom and picked up my phone from my overflowing laundry hamper—where my stupid sister had thrown it right on top of a pair of my dirty boxers and yeah, with skid marks.

  I called Melody again and got her voicemail. This time, I was so choked up, I couldn’t even leave a message. Then I felt super dumb for hanging up without saying anything.

  I hated Tammy. Hated what she had done to me. How she’d made me sound so pathetic to a girl I really liked.

  I took a few deep breaths and calmed myself, tried to get into a zen zone. Then, I called back Melody and this time, she said hello.

  “Hi, Melody. It’s me, Anthony, from crystals class.”

  “I know who you are. I’m now a teaching assistant in that class.”

  “You are? That’s so cool.”

  “Thank you. I’m honored that they asked me to be a T.A.”

  “I’m glad they did. You know so much about crystals.”

  “I’m specializing in it as a course of study, and I hope to come back to alchemy school and teach the course after I graduate.”

  “I didn’t know that. That’s so cool,” I said again and smacked my forehead when I realized I had already said
cool.

  “Thank you. I’m excited about using crystals in alchemy. So, Anthony,” Melody said in her Scottish accent, “you’ve been calling and texting me all day. I was tied up with our crystals professor, getting my new job duties and such. What’s up?”

  I cleared my throat and hoped my voice came out a little deeper. “Yeah, hey, Melody, I wondered if you wanted to go to the welcome dance this week.”

  “Oh, I’ll be there. I have to go since I’m a T.A. now. They want me to chaperone it.”

  My stomach gave a little roll of anxiety. “I meant, go to the dance with me.”

  Her answer was quick. “I’m not sure if I can do that.”

  “Oh,” I said and then stupidly cut to the chase and blurted, “T.A.’s can’t date freshman students?”

  Gently, she said in a compassionate voice, “There’s no written rule against it, but I don’t think it’s a good idea, Anthony, since I might be grading some of your papers.”

  “Okay.” I tried not to let my voice crack with disappointment. I was close to angry tears.

  “I’ll see you at the dance,” she said so sweetly that I almost got a cavity. “I think everyone is going. It’s a blast every year.”

  “You’ve been to three of them?” I asked, as low-key as possible, so I wouldn’t lose my shit.

  “Yes, and seriously, it doesn’t matter if you have a date or not. Most people don’t.”

  “Really?” I said.

  “Really. It’s a good chance to get to meet everyone if you don’t have a date. You can mingle with everyone and you should. So, please don’t feel like you need a date to come. Everyone is really friendly and eager to meet everyone else and learn about why they decided to go to alchemy school. It’s the opening meet-and-greet event that sets the tone for the whole year. You can’t miss it!”

  “Sounds good. Yeah, I’ll just see you there,” I said, downcast and wishing I could think of a way to redeem myself in her eyes. Suddenly, I knew just what to say to impress her. “I can make fire happen!” I said with inspired enthusiasm.