by Laura DeLuca
At least someone is having fun at this lame party, Rebecca thought to herself.
She was just about to twist off the cap when she noticed Scott and Chad were having fun of a completely different sort. One of them had pulled out a little baggie filled with white powder. A few other kids rubbed their hands together expectantly, but most of them had the sense to stay away. Some guy Rebecca had never seen before went over to Quinn and, looking angry, tapped him on the shoulder. When he pointed out what was happening, Quinn leaped off the sofa, leaving Megan alone to sip her beer for the first time that night. Rebecca wasn’t sure how many drinks Megan had, but based on the fact that she was covering her mouth to stifle giggles about nothing, Rebecca assumed it was too many.
“Hey, man,” Quinn said to Chad, just as he was about to spill the bag onto a glass table where a ruler already waited. “We don’t allow that shit in our frat house. Put it away or get out.”
“What’s the matter, Quinn?” Scott jibed. “Too good for a hit?”
“I’m not playing games with you, Scott,” Quinn said, tight-lipped. “We don’t have many rules when it comes to parties here. Alcohol is fine, and even a little weed we could overlook, but not this. Either it goes or you go.”
A few of Quinn’s frat brothers, including the guy who had called him over, were suddenly standing behind him with their arms crossed. They were all so handsome and well-dressed, they hardly seemed threatening. Again Rebecca was reminded of a boy band. There were a lot of boy bands running around the New York School of Performing Arts. Still, they must have made an impression, because Chad rolled his eyes and stuck the bag back into this pocket.
“You guys are such a downer,” he said. “You don’t know what you’re missing, but whatever. More for us later.”
Rebecca shook her head as she twisted off the lid of her beer. She didn’t know what Scott and Chad were thinking, messing with those drugs. If they got caught with them on campus, their careers would be over. Of course, underage drinking held penalties of its own. Something she knew Justyn was thinking when he leaned in a little closer and watched her take a sip of her third beer. He had been quiet most of the time, but she should have known he would have to speak up eventually.
“Far be it from me to tell you what to do,” he whispered, “but are you really sure you want to drink another one?”
“You’re the one whose sworn off everything fun,” Rebecca snapped uncharitably. “Don’t try to force your preferences off on me.”
Justyn flinched. He looked like he wanted to say more, but he only shook his head and sat back against the sofa, looking crestfallen. However, Livy had overhead the conversation, and she had no trouble speaking up.
“You’re such a loony, Becca” she said with a scowl. “You really are just like Lucy, aren’t you? A pathetic, miserable woman who can’t help but act an idiot.”
Justyn’s eyes shadowed, and he was just about to say something probably not very poetic, but Rebecca beat him to it. A few beers had given her an added boost of courage, because for once, she didn’t just sit there and take Livy’s nasty comments in silence. “Why don’t you just shut the hell up, fiend.” If Livy wanted to call her names from the play, Rebecca could match her insult for insult. “If anyone resembles their character, it’s you. You’re nothing but a heartless bitch, just like Mrs. Lovatt!”
Her eruption shocked everyone to silence, especially Justyn, who had never heard her raise her voice to anyone. For a minute, Livy’s eyes looked like they were about to bulge right out of her head, but she smiled sweet sarcasm as she rose from her seat. “Well, well, well. It looks like the jellyfish has a spine after all.”
Livy adjusted the multiple layers of her black skirts before walking in the direction of the lady’s room. As she passed by, her boot conveniently caught on the edge of the coffee table. She made a grand play of stumbling forward. Her glass of red wine suddenly got wobbly and tipped over. She landed with a grunt right on Justyn’s lap, spilling the contents of her glass all over Rebecca’s dress and the sofa in the process.
“Oops. My bad,” she exclaimed in mock horror. Then she laughed sarcastically and started singing a song from a scene where Mrs. Lovatt spills a drink on a customer. “Oh, so sorry, dearie. I guess me hands were a little smeary.”
“Not funny, Liv.” Quinn said, shaking his head. “You ruined her dress, not to mention our couch.”
“Geez, it was just an accident.” Livy pouted. “Feel free to send me the cleaning bill.”
Justyn snorted and finally pushed her off his lap. “Sure, it was an accident. What is the matter with you, Livy? Do you actually think acting like a bitch all the time is impressing anyone? Because it’s not, least of all me.”
Rebecca hadn’t said anything yet. She was just sitting there, still shocked by the cold, wet blast, and horrified by the ugly red stain spreading over the body of her dress. But shock was quickly turning into anger. She hardly even noticed when an only slightly sober Megan came up beside her and put a hand on her arm.
“Come on, Becca.” She giggled. “Let me help you get cleaned up.”
Others around them were making comments. Some were laughing. Some of them were shaking their heads. Rebecca wasn’t really listening to any of them. It wasn’t just because someone had finally gotten tired of Frankie’s singing and turned the music back on. Rebecca was pissed off. She was downright furious, and she wasn’t going to put up with Livy’s crap anymore. If Livy wanted to play childish games, Rebecca was going to be a challenger worth reckoning with. Just as Livy walked by her with a smug smile and a cocky strut, Rebecca stuck out her foot and tripped her. This time when Livy went down, it really wasn’t intentional. She hit the floor face first, and before she could get up, Rebecca was on top of her.
Livy cried out in surprise when Rebecca grabbed hold of the red ends of her hair, snapping back her neck. Livy was strong though, and after the initial shock wore off, she fought back. She threw Rebecca backward, causing Becca’s injured arm to slam painfully into the edge of the coffee table, right where her stitches were still healing. The pain only fueled her anger. In seconds she had the advantage again and had Livy pinned down between her legs. She had just balled her fist with the intention of punching the Goth square in the nose, when someone pulled her away. Enraged at the interruption, she kicked, screamed, and flared her arms in an effort to break free. Livy was doing the exact same thing as Chad restrained her, but the two girls could do little more than huff and glare at each other from their various corners.
“No cat fights, ladies.” Chad snickered. “At least not until we fill a kiddie pool with mud.”
Justyn, who was still struggling to hold her back, was not as amused. “Becca, what are you doing?” he insisted. “She isn’t worth it!”
The fact that he was right only made her even more furious. She made one last desperate lunge for Livy. Justyn held her as tight as he dared, but she knew he was afraid of squeezing her injured arm too tightly, so she was able to break at least that limb free. The best she could manage was to grab onto one of Livy’s lacy bell sleeves. The flimsy material gave away easily in Rebecca’s angry grasp, and the whole sleeve tore free.
At first, Rebecca was glad. Livy had ruined her favorite dress and she had only returned the favor. Then she looked at Livy’s face and she didn’t find what she expected. No rage. No indignation. There was just this awful cross between horror and desperation as she frantically tried to cover her arm back up. When Rebecca saw what Livy was trying so hard to hide, she stopped dead in her tracks, her anger instantly evaporating. Around them, everyone else stared at Livy too—stared at her gruesome, mangled arm covered from top to bottom in ugly, jagged scars.
Rebecca dropped the torn sleeve, speechless and guilty, as tears started to slip down Livy’s cheeks. Real tears. Rebecca knew that for once she wasn’t acting.
“Oh my God! Livy, I’m so … so sorry.”
“You really are a crazy hag!” Livy wept and covered the h
orrible scars, which she had obviously worked hard to conceal. “You’re going to pay for this, Becca. I promise you that you’re going to pay.”
With that promise, Livy disappeared into the crowd with Chad chasing after her, leaving Rebecca behind to wonder exactly what kind of person she had become.
Chapter Eighteen
“Let go of me!”
Rebecca twisted her arm in an attempt to break free from Justyn’s grasp, but he held her firmly until he pulled her out the back door of the frat house and out of earshot of the other party goers. Even out there, the music still blasted, but it wasn’t loud enough to cover up the sound of the crickets and lotuses that were enjoying the last few warm nights of fall. The chirping insects seemed to be berating her just as much as her boyfriend was with their constant screeching.
Once Justyn was sure they were alone, he finally let her go, but he blocked the entrance to the door so she couldn’t escape back into the crowd. There was no way to avoid him now. He had her cornered. He stood there watching her with those big brown eyes. She almost wished he would look angry, but he didn’t. He just looked sad and hurt. That just made Rebecca even angrier than she already was. If he didn’t have the car key, she probably could have run off in the other direction. However, he did have the keys, and she was too afraid to walk all the way back to the apartment alone in the dark after all that had happened. So she just stood there with her arms crossed and glared at him until finally he could stay silent no longer.
“Becca, what’s wrong with you?” Justyn asked her desperately. “I can’t believe the way you attacked Livy.”
“Oh, of course you’re going to take her side!” Rebecca grumbled.
Justyn shook his head. “I’m not taking her side. Or saying she didn’t deserve it. I’m just saying it’s not like you to act this way. Where’s my sweet Becca?”
He reached out his hand to try to stroke her cheek, but she slapped it away. Then she tried to ignore the devastation in his eyes. She hated that she was always hurting him, but she couldn’t seem to stop herself.
“Your sweet little Becca is gone, Justyn! When are you going to figure that out? She got left behind back in the woods with that … that animal. I’m not sure if she’s ever going to come back!”
“No. I won’t believe that,” he insisted. “You said yourself you weren’t going to let what happened take away your dreams. Don’t let it take away the things that make you who you are either, Becca. I know you’re strong enough to get through this.”
With a defeated sigh, Rebecca plopped down on the deserted steps of the frat house. The effects of the beer were really starting to sink in, making her feel tired and defeated. Inside, the music was so loud, she could only barely hear the whisper of her own voice.
“I’m glad you think you know me so well. I sure as hell don’t know myself anymore.”
Justyn sighed as well. He sat down beside her, at a careful distance. “I don’t want to fight with you, Becca. I’m just trying to help you through this.”
He flinched and rubbed his shoulder. She knew him so well she could tell just by the way his eyes drooped that his shoulder was making his head ache again, even though he never complained about it. The part of her that loved him to distraction wanted to take away all his pain, both physical and emotional. But the part of her smothered by fear wouldn’t allow her to offer him any form of comfort. It made Rebecca feel guilty all over again. The last of her anger faded, leaving only sadness in its place.
“I heard you talking to Livy yesterday,” she whispered. She knew he had lifted his head even though she refused to look him in the eye. “You know, when you were backstage and she was telling you what a big baby I am. Right before the whole kissing thing.”
“You know I don’t feel that way,” Justyn argued. “Livy was just being her usual pleasant self.”
“She was right about some things though,” Rebecca admitted. “I am being selfish. I mean, look at you. You’re in pain because I was too self-centered to consider that sleeping on the sofa was going to hurt your shoulder.”
“Becca, I’m fine on the couch. It really isn’t a big deal.”
“It is a big deal! It’s a big deal that everything I do hurts you!” Her chest burned, and she wanted to cry. She wanted to, but she couldn’t. She lowered her voice and finally looked up to meet his desperate, love-filled eyes. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore, Justyn.”
“Why do I feel like we’re not talking about my shoulder anymore?”
Rebecca ignored him. “I think you should sleep in the bed tonight.”
Justyn shook his head adamantly. “No way. We’ll both sleep on the floor before that happens.”
Normally, that chivalrous response would have made her smile. It didn’t then. It wasn’t just because she wasn’t sure if she knew how to smile anymore. She felt like her whole universe was collapsing in on itself. Yet she knew what she had to do. Livy was right. It wasn’t fair for her to keep Justyn hanging around when she couldn’t even touch him. It wasn’t right for her to drag him into the pitfall that was her life when she had no idea if she would ever be able to climb back out.
“No, really,” she insisted. “You can take the bed. In fact, you can take the whole apartment. I should have listened to my dad. I should have left with him. In fact, I never should have come to this school in the first place. I don’t belong here.” She heard her voice tremble. “I … I want to go home.”
“What … what are you saying?” Justyn asked. She had never seen him quite so inarticulate, but his glassy eyes said more than his normal poetic words. “It sort of feels like you’re breaking up with me. Is that what you’re doing, Becca?”
She hadn’t really let herself think of it that way, but he was right. If she left the school and went back home, she wasn’t just walking away from her education and her dreams of a life on the stage. She was walking away from Justyn. She couldn’t believe it, but she was actually breaking up with him. It was breaking her heart every bit as much as it was breaking his, but at least it would be the last time she would hurt him.
“I’m sorry….”
“No,” he interrupted. “No, you can’t do this. Not like this, Becca. Please,” Justyn pleaded. “Look at us! We’re becoming just like Sweeney Todd and Lucy. Everything we care about is right here in front of us, but we’re throwing it all away out of fear and anger. But it doesn’t have to be that way. We can give our story a happy ending, just like we did with Phantom. Just give it a little time.”
Rebecca kept her eyes averted. His analogy was a little too accurate, but she was already too far gone, just like poor Lucy. She wasn’t sure even Justyn could save her.
“It’s not that I don’t love you, Justyn,” she told him. “You have to know that. I’m just tired of always looking over my shoulder. I’m tired of always being afraid. More than anything, I’m tired of hurting you over and over again. That look on your face—the way you’re looking at me right now—it rips me to pieces. But I can’t stop myself from doing it. I can’t stop … I can’t stop…. I’m just so afraid of … of everything.”
Finally, Rebecca started to cry. The tears slid down her cheeks, but she barely noticed them. They didn’t ease the pain the way she hoped they would. Her heart still ached, yet felt numb all at the same time. Justyn watched her and was silent for a long while before he finally lifted one of her quivering hands. She didn’t pull the hand away even though she really wanted to. She felt herself trembling and knew it had nothing to do with the crisp autumn breeze against her bare shoulders.
“Becca, my love, my lady,” he tilted her head and forced her to look into his eyes, “I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through, and I’d never be presumptuous enough to tell you what to do. If you need to go home—if that’s the only way you can heal—I promise I’ll drive you there myself. But if there’s even the smallest chance that we can work through this together. If I … if-if you….” he stuttered for a moment, unsure of his word
s. “Just believe me when I tell you that I can be patient. I can give you space or time or whatever else you need until you get through this. I don’t care how long it takes.” His sweet voice trembled, and his eyes seemed to literally overflow with love. “It’s going to be all right. You aren’t doing anything wrong, my angel of music. You aren’t hurting me. The only thing that hurts me is seeing you in so much pain and not being able to do anything to change it.”
There were his eloquent words. She should have known they wouldn’t elude him for long. Normally, when he spoke to her in that delicate, melodic voice, it melted her heart and she would give him anything he wanted. But as lovely as the sentiments were, Rebecca was still unsure.
“What if it never changes, Justyn? Are you going to sleep on the couch for a month? A year? How long until it starts to appeal to you when someone like Livy offers you a backrub or a kiss that your girlfriend can’t give you?”
“First of all, a vixen like Livy would never appeal to me, even if I were single. But more importantly, I think you’re forgetting how stubborn I can be.” He gave her a halfhearted smile. “I fought for you once. I’ll fight for you again.”
“I remember,” she whispered. “But this isn’t the resident surfer vying for my affections. This is … this is different.”
“I know that,” he continued, but not before clearing his throat. “I know you’re scared, and I know you’re not ready to let me help you yet. But before you walk away from everything we’ve built together, can I just ask one thing from you? One little thing before you make any big decisions you might regret later?”
She sighed. “What is it?”
“Just wait until the end of the weekend. I have something planned that I think will help you. If it doesn’t work—if you still feel this way on Sunday afternoon—I promise I’ll take you home, no questions asked.”
Rebecca was silent for a long time, thinking it was pointless. That there wasn’t anything that could possibly make things better, especially not in just a few short days.
