The Fincredible Diary of Fin Spencer

by Ciaran Murtagh

  At this everyone gasped and then I revealed my fish tank and the wind-up shark and they all laughed. This was going perfectly! I had them in the palm of my hand. I nodded to Mr Finch who was manning the sound desk and X-WING started to blare through the school speakers. From the stage I saw Mr Burchester shove his fingers in his ears. Seriously! That man has no right to call himself a music teacher!

  I tried not to let it annoy me and prepared for my run-up.

  Now I’d never actually done the whole routine all the way through before, and the last time I practised jumping over anything I’d crushed a lot of dollies. But there was something about the crowd and the lights and the fact that everyone was looking at me that made me feel strangely confident. From the stage I looked out onto the audience and I saw Dad, Mum and ELLIE staring back at me. They were hard to miss. ELLIE was dressed as Princess Jasmine, after all!

  As I set off towards the ramp everything seemed to go in slow motion. I saw CLAUDIA RONSON watching my every move. As I hit the jump, I lifted my weight, just like I’d been practising – and for once everything went according to plan!

  I jumped over the shark tank and landed on the other side. IT WAS AMAZING!

  As I left the stage I waved to my fans and looked forward to owning a brand new phone.

  The next few acts were nothing to worry about, and then, to close the show, it was super-dweeb JOSH DOYLE. As he’d only decided to enter a few days ago they’d tagged him onto the end. I couldn’t wait to see what he was going to do – it was guaranteed to be awful!

  He went to the centre of the stage and then waved to his sister, who was standing in the wings, to join him. I tried not to smirk as she came on stage carrying her tuba.

  ‘MEGAN and I are going to do a duet!’ he announced.

  The crowd went ‘Aaah!’ Bunch of saps.

  ‘It’s a song we’ve written about the school!’

  I could hardly believe what I was hearing. JOSH was actually going to stand in front of the whole school and sing a song about the school to a tuba accompaniment!

  JOSH started to sing and his sister started parping.

  I started to laugh. But then I realised that I was the only one who was laughing, because JOSH has an amazing voice! As I looked around the audience I could see all the girls – even CLAUDIA RONSON – smiling and nodding along. Mrs Johnson was rocking her head in time to the beat and MY OWN MOTHER was wiping away a tear.

  What is wrong with these people?

  Then JOSH’s sister put down the tuba and started to beatbox! Who knew she could do that? And JOSH started to rap.

  And then JOSH pointed to everyone in the hall – and they loved it. MEGAN picked up the tuba and JOSH sang the verse again, and by the time he’d finished, the whole audience was on their feet clapping like seals at a fish factory!

  I was worried. JOSH had sung a song about everybody in the audience and told them they were the best. But I had risked life and limb to win this contest – surely I didn’t need to panic? They weren’t going to fall for a suck-up song about school, were they?

  Turns out they were going to! Four of the judges were mentioned in the song, for goodness sake! Mr Finch stood on the stage to announce the winners – JOSH and MEGAN DOYLE. Josh had won my phone. Apparently JOSH’s song was ‘original, simple and beautiful’. Which we all know is teacher-speak for ‘cringey, soppy and sucky’. Then Mr Finch added that it was nice to see a brother and sister working in harmony, which everyone laughed at. I wanted to be sick.

  JOSH took the phone and gave me a really smug look as if to say, ‘Told you so’.

  Then he held it up for everyone to see.

  All the way home Mum kept telling me not to be a sore loser. Which was mum-speak for ‘You should tell JOSH DOYLE how great his act was.’ I was not having it. I had worked hard for that phone. It should be mine and I knew exactly how to get it. I came straight upstairs to write in this diary …

  If the judges think a suck-up song about school is better than a death-defying stunt then a suck-up song about school was what I should have done. I should have got my sister up on stage too. She could have danced around like she did at the birthday party. If they want cute, they can have cute!

  Are you listening, diary?

  I should never have done my stunt-jumping at the talent show today. I should have written a song about school just like JOSH’s. Better than JOSH’s. Something like:

  SUCK-UP ENOUGH?

  Then I should have got up very early this morning to practise and I should have practised every spare moment of today until I sounded better than himself – NOT HARD. And I should have woken ELLIE up early to practise the dance. Then I should have won that phone.

  Right. Now I’m going to bed and if I don’t have a phone when I wake up there’ll be trouble.

  THANK YOU, DIARY! THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU! The perfect day has started perfectly. I’ve woken up to find a phone on my pillow. This can only mean one of three things.

  MY EAR HAS TURNED INTO A MOBILE PHONE SHOP OVERNIGHT

  THE TOOTH FAIRY HAS GOT EVEN MORE GENEROUS

  THE DIARY HAS WORKED AND I WON THE SCHOOL TALENT SHOW!

  I’ve taken the phone out of the packaging and plugged it in. I want it to be fully charged for the X-WING concert tonight. Now, for breakfast …

  So, when I got downstairs this morning Mum had put the talent-show trophy on the breakfast table. I’d forgotten there even was a trophy. But there it was, and I must have won it because my name was on the bottom.

  After breakfast I spent all morning typing numbers into my new phone and by eleven o’clock my thumbs hurt and I’d gone a bit cross-eyed. But it didn’t matter because my contacts list was bulging and FIN SPENCER was finally connected to the twenty-first century.

  To celebrate, I headed down to the shop for a can of lemonade. As I was going in I bumped into JOSH coming out. He was very angry. He said I must have somehow found out about his idea for the talent show and copied it. Which I sort of did, I suppose. This diary had fixed it that yesterday we BOTH sang a song about school. But because I went on first, and everyone knew JOSH was a late entry, they all thought it was JOSH who had copied my idea rather than the other way round. JOSH reckoned I’d made him look stupid. I told him that he didn’t need my help to do that.

  JOSH said he was never going to speak to me again, which was ironic considering I finally had a phone he could call me on! But I couldn’t help feeling a bit guilty.

  The afternoon felt like it went on forever. Normally I’d play with JOSH on my Xbox but we all knew that wasn’t going to happen. I decided to play with my little sister instead, but she just didn’t get it.

  After two hours of beating ELLIE again and again I gave up. I suppose I should have taught her how to play the game first, but where would be the fun in that?

  Finally, it was time to get ready to go to the concert. I got out my favourite X-WING T-shirt and the sunnies I saved for special occasions. I looked at myself in the mirror but the glasses were too dark to see properly and I ended up falling into the wardrobe. Never mind – nothing was going to spoil this evening. I popped my new phone into my pocket and headed downstairs.

  In the car Mum and Dad were really excited and so was ELLIE. Which was weird. I never knew she was a big X-WING fan. Maybe there was hope for her after all.

  Dad turned on the radio and popped in the CD ‘to get us in the mood’. I laughed – good one, Dad! He could be quite funny sometimes. I even found myself singing along when came on. I’d been brainwashed! As we got close to the stadium the butterflies were back in my tummy.

  But when we actually got to the stadium a strange thing happened – we drove right past it. Maybe Dad knew a good place to park. Dads are like that – they drive past a hundred perfect parking spaces just to park in one that, for some reason, they like best. Who knows what’s going on in their heads?

  Dad finally decided to park the car at the venue where was playing. I was confused. Was he trying to b
e funny again? Because if he was it was NOT WORKING! But when he turned off the engine and Mum got out of the car I realised nobody was joking about anything. We were at the venue because we were going to see …

  Dad was surprised that I was cross. SO, SO CROSS.

  I shouted. Mum was confused. Why did I point at the advert in the paper if I didn’t want to come?

  I told her I was pointing at the other advert, OF COURSE. The cool advert. The X-WING advert!

  Now it was Dad’s turn to be confused. If I didn’t like then how come I knew all the words to ? I explained that it was all ELLIE’s fault and then Mum told me off for picking on her! The only person smiling was ELLIE. She got exactly what she wanted and she doesn’t even have a magic diary.

  I wasn’t allowed to stay in the car on my own so I joined my parents and two thousand screaming six-year-old girls at the show.

  The next hour and a half was the longest hour and a half of my life. It would have been bad enough watching a concert anyway, but knowing you’re missing an X-WING gig at the same time made it doubly bad. We heard all his greatest hits:

  And then finally it was time for , which I was kind of relieved about. It meant the concert must be nearly over. The only good thing about all of this – and believe me, it was a tiny thing – was that none of my friends would be seen dead in a place like this. So no one need ever know I was there. No one.

  Just before started came to the front of the stage and the crowd fell silent. It was so quiet you could hear a mouse fart.

  Someone’s mobile phone went off. I started to laugh. What a loser! Then I realised it was MY MOBILE PHONE. I felt as if two thousand pairs of eyes were turning to glare at me as I fumbled in my pocket.

  ELLIE was looking at me as if I’d just killed live on stage, which, believe me, was something I considered doing halfway through ‘Chihuahua Hoo-Ha!’

  I hadn’t read the manual for the phone – manuals are for losers – so I pushed a button that I thought would make it stop ringing.

  It didn’t. In a blind panic, I pressed every button at the same time. Suddenly there was a bright flash and then the phone went quiet. I might have broken it. At that moment I didn’t care.

  Charlie played twice. I still have NO IDEA what a squishy wishy actually is. But at least the concert was over.

  Back at home I came straight up here to my bedroom. This day has been a complete disaster! I thought about changing it all in this diary, somehow making it so that I went to X-WING after all. But what would be the point in that? Whenever I do change anything, I don’t remember the new version anyway, only other people do. No matter what I write, I will never remember being at the X-WING gig. I’m trying to look on the bright side, though. At least I’ve got a phone – but even that hasn’t made me feel totally happy, because I know it’s JOSH’s phone really. And now I’ve got a Charlie Dimples T-shirt. Thanks, Dad. You are sooo funny.

  Well, diary, the less said about today the better. This morning my ears were still ringing from the concert and it was not helped by ELLIE singing all the songs into a hairbrush, one after the other, at the top of her voice.

  Even Penelope Fuzzyface looked like she’d had enough. But then Penelope Fuzzyface always looks like she’s had enough.

  I managed to persuade ELLIE to put down the hairbrush and play me at But something terrible had happened – she was brilliant. She beat me sixteen times in a row.

  At first I didn’t know what was going on, but then I remembered what I’d written in the diary yesterday. I said that I should have taught her how to play properly. It turned out I did, according to the diary. Thanks for nothing, pal.

  By lunchtime I was fed up with being smashed into pixels by my sister so I went to the park for a breath of fresh air. I saw BRAD RADLEY coming down the street and tried to hide, but somehow BRAD spotted me. He came up and waved his phone in my face. But for once I didn’t care. I had a phone too! In fact, I had the same phone. I took mine out and waved it right back.

  But that’s not what BRAD was trying to tell me.

  He clicked a button and my face filled the screen. It was a picture of me at the concert and I seemed to be screaming like a girl. What?

  BRAD pointed at the buttons on my phone. When I’d mashed them last night to stop it ringing I must have accidentally sent a picture of me at the concert to

  As this was sinking in, BRAD started to boast about how amazing the X-WING concert was.

  I didn’t want to hear any more so I came home. Normally I’d go and talk to JOSH about something like this, but he didn’t want to see me.

  Everything has gone wrong. I’ve lost my best friend and sent the rest of the school a picture of me at a concert. The phone has ruined my life before I’ve even made one call. What’s more, I didn’t get to see X-WING in concert and my six-year-old sister can now thrash me on my favourite Xbox game.

  I’m sitting here in my bedroom now and trying to think of a way to use this diary to make everything right. Was there something I should have said or something I could have done that would make it all better? But there’s nothing I can write to fix this.

  This diary has caused me so much trouble. It nearly got me expelled from school and it’s cost me my best friend. I should NEVER have used it in the first place. Instead of getting the diary to change things that go wrong, I should be concentrating on making sure things don’t go wrong in the first place. And if they do go wrong – as they inevitably will – I need to think about how I can make them better WITHOUT using the diary.

  I know exactly where to start …

  Dear diary, this will be my last ever entry.

  This morning I got up early and went to JOSH’s house before school.

  At first JOSH didn’t want to see me. But then his mum told him to ‘Stop being so silly’. Which we all know is mum-speak for ‘Make it up to your buddy.’

  Apparently JOSH had been moping since we stopped being best friends.

  I apologised to him for stealing his idea for the talent show. I admitted that I’d found out about it and decided to copy it – which was true in a way, I just didn’t tell him exactly how I’d done it. After a minute or two he was quite nice about it, especially when I gave him the phone to say sorry. Perhaps it’s a good thing I don’t have a phone. I’m not sure I like phones much anyway. They’ve made my life a misery these last two weeks.

  Just to prove that point, JOSH told me he had fixed his phone and someone had sent him the picture of me at the concert. He didn’t realise how much I loved I soon realised he was being sarcastic and he started to laugh. He told me that he knew how much I hated He’d guessed ELLIE had wanted me to go, and thought it was really nice of me to take her, especially after she’d helped me win the talent show. He thought that sending a photo like that to everyone showed what a great sense of humour I had.

  At first I didn’t understand, but then I realised he thought I’d sent the photo on purpose! He thought that it was really cool that I had the confidence to do something like that. Great joke, bro.

  I smiled and said, ‘I’d do anything for ELLIE, she’s one in a million.’ Which we all know is Fin-speak for ‘She’s the most annoying person in the world.’

  We were so busy catching up that we didn’t notice the time and JOSH’s mum ended up driving us to school so we wouldn’t be late.

  While we were in the car the DJ played the new X-WING single on the radio and then said how disappointed he’d been that the concert on Saturday night had been cancelled. It’s been rescheduled for next week. I couldn’t believe my ears! BRAD couldn’t have seen them on Saturday like he said and I had another chance to see them. Well, I would have if I could find a way into a sold out concert.

  In school I made my way to my locker and BRAD was waiting for me yet again. He wanted to make the most of the photo I’d sent. Everybody seemed to be there when he started to rub it in, saying that the cool kids like him went to X-WING not

  But I told him that at least my gig had ex
isted! How could he have gone to a show that was cancelled at the last minute? Then, remembering what JOSH had thought, I decided to turn the tables. ‘Don’t you realise that I sent the photo to everyone on purpose?’ I said. ‘It was supposed to be a joke – as if I’d ever choose to go to a concert! I was taking the mickey out of myself. Everyone else seemed to get it but you. What’s the matter, BRAD? No sense of humour?’

  It seemed to work! The other kids started to laugh and BRAD suddenly needed to go to the toilet. NOW HE KNEW HOW I FELT.

  Then CLAUDIA RONSON made her way over and I started to sweat. She said that she wanted to tell me how cool I was. She said it was nice to meet a boy who was ‘in touch with his sensitive side’, whatever that is. She was fed up with boys talking about X-WING all the time. She said she really liked the kind of boy who wrote poetry for his gran and took his little sister to music concerts and even dressed up like from time to time to keep his sister and her friends entertained.

  I was too shocked to say anything, but before I knew it, You read right! CLAUDIA asked ME out! We’re meeting in town next Saturday.

  I didn’t care what happened for the rest of the day. For all I knew the school had burned down or been invaded by alien monkeys … because I was floating on a cloud made by CLAUDIA RONSON. THE WEDDING IS BACK ON!

  JOSH and I went back to my house to play Xbox after school, and JOSH said he’d been thinking. That was usually something to get worried about, but this time he actually had a good idea. As his parents had got his old phone fixed, he thought we should sell the one I won in the talent show and try to buy two tickets for the rescheduled X-WING concert. The boy is a genius! I knew we were best friends for a reason.