by C A A Allen
Biff clears his throat. “Ahem... Captain Jareth Goblinmasher is returning five of six, less his thief, who lost his life in a fierce battle with a Bonnacon.”
The children cheer, then scatter, disappearing into local businesses and down dark alleyways.
Biff beams in approval. “We came in high on the over-under, Riff. You will now be considered an up-and-coming captain in wagering circles.”
NEW TASK: Assemble a party at Cittadella.
Assemble a party of six adventurers in order to enter the valley.
“An up-and-coming captain with an incomplete party,” I point out. “We need a new thief.” Not to mention the fact that my fame means nothing unless we save DCQ by midnight. I nod toward a nearby building with its double doors propped wide open. “That looks like a good place to start.”
“The Routier’s Rest, excellent call.” Biff hobbles toward it. “They have a colossal selection of beverages, as well as questers for hire.”
“Salo,” I call. “You’re familiar with arms. I need you to sell our surplus and meet us back here. We will need as much gold as possible to hire another thief and keep this quest going.”
Hans frowns at me. “I will go along with Salo to supervise.” Then, in an undertone he adds, “Trust an NPC with our loot? Real smart.”
“Salo is neutrally aligned.” I shrug.
“Unlike your evil ass, Hansel,” Bella says. “Just get us as much coin as you can.”
“That is not my name,” Hans mumbles. “Du drecksau.”
As Bella, Biff, and I step into the pub, we are inundated with the smell of sweet, exotic tobaccos. I do my best to wave away the smoke and guide the party to a table.
We sit, and Biff looks around the room. “Do you see a serving wench? I’m quite thirsty. The pint-per-town payment option is truly colossal, and I’m due for an installment.”
Bella pulls a metallic black scrunchie from her hair. Long brown and red ombre curls fall over her shoulders. “This place is crazy with hookahs.” She whisks her finger in a circle. “Discutio vapos.” The smoke around our table vaporizes into fresh air. “I can’t stand smokers. That spell should keep the smoke at bay long enough for us to figure out how we’re going to acquire a new thief.”
I inhale the fresh air through my nose. “It smells like roses and lavender. Nice.” Then a thought hits me. “Bella, could you use that same spell in the goblin chamber against Setan? I mean, you used it against the Bonnacon.”
“The spell I used on the Bonnacon is a level three that can also extinguish flame or steal breath, depending on the situation,” she explains. “I have one left. The small rose and lavender spell, however, is non-lethal. I can use it a few times a day.”
“Then save that level three spell for Setan, no matter what.” If Bella’s spell doesn’t stop the smoke, maybe it will steal Setan’s breath. Either way, we need a backup plan. I glance over at the bar. A group of carousers take their drinks to a nearby table, leaving the bar open for the moment. “I’m going to speak with the barkeep about our thief situation.”
“Ask about our drink situation, as well.” Biff massages his throat. “Colossal thirst needs to be quenched.”
I take a seat at a bar and look over the shelf of bottles. The bar tender hurries back and forth, concocting several drinks at once. He stops in front of me and dabs his brow with a hanky. “Drink for you?”
VIEW THE ROUTIERS REST BAR MENU: Yes/No?
I focus on the no. “I need two hydromel, one ale, and information on thieves for hire.”
“Three drinks coming up.” He holds the hanky to a temple, looks up, and squints. “But gold is what jars my memory when it comes to quality questers for hire.” He tilts his head. “I will be back with your drinks.”
Someone pulls out the barstool next to me and a small glass of dark brown liquor slams down on the bar. “How was your run up North?”
I turn to see Slim standing there with an eyebrow raised. “Slim!” I greet him with a firm handshake. He is wearing a brown tunic and the hat I’ve always admired. “We got what we needed up North but lost our conniving-ass thief to a Bonnacon goring.”
“A goring?” He takes a seat, wraps a hand around the glass, and stares into its contents. “That’s a terrible way to meet your maker.”
“Tell me about it.” I pat my chest and blow out a breath. “The Bonnacon tried to do me in, too. I’m only now recovering.” Slim seems different somehow. Less sure of himself. “Were you able to help your business associate?” I ask.
“I’m afraid not.” His brow crinkles in a frown. “But I was able to find some information on their whereabouts.” He glanced to the right side of the bar. “Do you know those two girls over there?”
I look over and see two well-toned girls in scant leather armor. One, with light brown hair, smiles our direction and sips seductively at her drink. The other runs a finger down her long blond hair in a twirl and winks.
“No, but if they are thieves for hire, I’m down to investigate.” I stand, but Slim grabs my shoulder and pushes me back down.
“Don’t be so quick about it. Let them come to you.” He takes a swig of his drink. “So, what’s your plan after you acquire a thief? Are you still heading West?”
“We hope to level up off the undead in Keighley, enter the West Labyrinth, and then kill Setan before midnight tonight.”
Slim’s eyebrows pop up so high they almost disappear beneath his hat brim. “Ambitious, to say the least. Here come your prospects, just like I said they would.”
I turn in my seat.
The brown-haired girl stops a few steps in front of me, smiles, and looks at her friend out of the corner of her eye. She is sexy, with smooth skin and long eyelashes.
The blonde slides up to Slim and runs her hand gently down his arm. “What’s your choosing fee?” She flicks her tongue out to reveal a beautiful silver ring pierced through the tip. Slowly she runs that tongue across her moist red lips.
Wow. This girl may have some special skills. Is she even human?
Slim strokes his chin. “First, let me see what we’re working with.” He glances at me from the corner of his eye and whispers, “This world has way too many freaks. And I like it.” He stands up and looks the girl over.
She runs her hands down both sides of her hourglass figure and asks coyly, “Do I pass?”
“You, there,” the barkeep grunts from behind me. “Three silver for the drinks.”
“One moment.” It takes every ounce of my willpower to turn away from the girl in front of me, even for a second. I turn and look at the drinks on the bar. I completely forgot about this round for Bella, Biff, and me.
Slim raises a finger at the barkeep. “Hold up on those, Ted. I need four shots of ambrosia, hors d’age.”
“Yes, sir.” Ted lines up four shot glasses, fills them with dark brown liquor, and heads down the bar. “Who else needs a drink?”
Slim’s eyes narrow and he cocks a crooked smile. “Eenny Meeny Miny Moe.” He picks up a glass and motions for us to do the same. “May these shots reveal the ho.” He drinks half the shot and returns the glass to the bar.
I drink the whole thing in one quick swallow. The liquid has a warm burn as it flows down my throat. “Okay,” I cough out. “Sorrows officially drowned.”
Both girls throw back their shots and hold their liquor. Impressive. The girl with brown hair sits next to me with a hand resting on her chest. “That was a strong, strong drink. Good though.”
“So, are you a thief by trade?” I ask, and then can’t resist adding, “Because you’re stealing my breath away.”
She giggles. “I don’t quest. But if I did, I think I would like to be a fighter. I have skills in several areas.”
“A pretty fighter with skills in several areas would be a deadly combination. Maybe we can make that happen. I’m Riff. What do they call you?”
“My name is Meridiana.” She looks around, then pulls in close to my ear. “Watch out for my fri
end. She is always up to—”
“Application denied.” Slim flicks his fingers at the blonde, dismissing her. “Bye.”
The blonde scrunches her face, grabs Meridiana’s hand, and stomps away.
“It was nice meeting you, Riff,” Meridiana calls over her shoulder. “And thank you for the drink!”
“Slim, what the hell?” I hiss. “I was getting somewhere with mine.”
“Well, mine was an undercover hag,” he says. “Those two are man killers. You don’t want to mess with them.”
“You call that a hag?” She looked good to me. They both looked good. “Did you see the tongue roll? I was about to get her to join my party.”
“Be cautious of everyone and everything, young captain,” Slim says. “Not every monster in the kingdom has toad heads or skin lesions. When I say undercover hag, I mean those girls were succubi. Their hag owners send them into town to get questers drunk until they pass out. Once you’re unconscious, they turn you over to their hag owner, and that’s where it gets ugly. The hag will either press on your chest to suffocate you, molest you to propagate their nasty-ass species, or slip their skin and enter your body to drive you crazy with nightmares. No, you don’t want one of them messing up your careful plans.”
I take one last look at the retreating Meridiana. Suddenly her brown locks and curvy form don’t seem all that enticing. Thank goodness Slim broke up our conversation before I started making real recruitment moves on her.
“Succubi that run solo can be turned out from their hag owner,” Slim says. “But never when they run in pairs. You got to separate them. The whole thing takes time.”
“Good looking out.” I toss some silver on the bar. “And speaking of time, I’m dealing with dead-for-real-die if I don’t get my party moving. Do you know of any good thieves for hire?”
SUBTRACT: 3 silver pennies to Ted Nummies. New silver penny balance: 18
“Perhaps,” Slim says cryptically. “But first, I need you to meet somebody.” He makes a quick triple-click sound with his tongue, and a small animal appears from under his hat. It has a consistent mix of orange and black fur, short-legs, large walnut shaped eyes, and prominent curled whiskers. It moves to his shoulder and licks a paw.
“Is that a sniffer?” A few lucky gamers in DCQ have been able to unlock sidekicks known as sniffers. Disturbingly, I have yet to figure out the formula to unlock one myself. The consensus in most forums is that they are an extremely random subscription gift, but I don’t believe that. Most of the sniffers I’ve seen are weasel like animals that can sense traps, evil, and magic. This one looks different from the any I’ve seen. It’s more muscular and has an unusual spade-tipped tail.
Slim scratches the animal lovingly under its chin. “This is Skookum. I found her in a trash heap with her half-sister when they were kits. Sniffer breeders don’t keep mongrels. I’m guessing she is a cross between a sniffer and some kind of pseudo-dwarf dragon.”
Slim extends his arm, and Skookum scurries down it, hops onto my lap, circles, and looks up with big brown glossy eyes. “She got all the best abilities of a sniffer, plus she can breathe fire and whoop up on enemies with her dragon tail. Skook has saved my life numerous times and has aided me in acquiring coin constantly.”
I stroke the animal’s silky fur. “She’s awesome!”
Skook licks my hand, hops up to Slim’s arm, and scampers back to his shoulder. “Look Riff, I came to you for a reason.” Slim toys with one of the empty shot glasses. Uh-oh. Did he need gold or something? He must be mighty desperate if he was coming to me for help. “The information I uncovered about my friend is that I need something from one of Setan’s cells to help them. Therefore, I would like to join your party as a full member on your run to the West Labyrinth.”
Had I misheard? Slim wanted to use his skills to aid us? “Slim, you know I can’t afford you.”
Slim waves his hand. “No payment necessary, Captain. All I’m after is a direct quest into the monster allocation chamber and Setan’s lair. Oh, and artifact privileges.”
My man. “You got it.”
Slim grabs my hand and shakes it hard. “Terms are accepted then.”
ADD: Gregarious Slim, Thief. (Direct quest to Setan’s lair/Artifact Privileges)
Thief: Trained in the arts of stealing and sneaking. May only use light to mid-weight weaponry and armor. Primary abilities: Agility.
AGE: 25
LEVEL: 3
ABILITIES: 40
ALIGNMENT: Neutral
WEAPONS: Quarterstaff: Melee Weapon Attack: Bludgeoning damage.
A smaller icon of Skookum materializes beneath Slim’s.
ADD: Skookum Tortie, Sniffer.
Belette: Trained to sense traps, evil, and magic. Primary abilities: Wisdom
AGE: 3
LEVEL: 2
ABILITIES: 25
ALIGNMENT: Neutral
WEAPONS: Detect: Can detect traps, evil, and magic within 30 feet.
Bite: Melee Weapon Attack. Piercing damage.
Fire Breath: Can exhale fire in a seven-foot cone.
Tail Strike: Melee Weapon Attack. Bludgeoning damage.
TASK COMPLETE: Assemble a party at Cittadella.
For completing the task, you earned 50 experience points! Complete additional tasks and kill monsters to earn more.
“One more order of business.” Slim stacks two gold coins and three silver pennies on the counter. “Ted, this is for my drinks, your tip, and a glance at the latest rumor table.”
Hmm, Slim seems to like rumor tables as much as I do. I drop four pennies next to his two. “Make it a rumor table scroll, and not the fugazi-fable version either.”
SUBTRACT: 4 silver pennies to Ted Nummies. New silver penny balance: 14
Ted scoots the coins into his palm and drops a cigar-sized scroll on the bar. “Only the very, very, very best and most current table for anyone who quests with Slim.”
I unroll the scroll and lay it out on the bar.
THE ROUTIER’S REST RUMOR TABLE:
1- A Lich now stalks Keighley.
2- The mountains above the West Labyrinth are hag-ridden.
3- A countdown to obliteration has begun.
4- Keris’s are ineffective versus the blood of greater goblins.
5- Remove the Zuni Fetish doll’s gold chain for luck +10.
6- A dungeon cell in the West Labyrinth contains a dead entity with riches to pilfer.
7- The value of huo-yao is on the rise.
8- Dusting off a model galleon in the East Dungeon will bring luck.
9- Beware of wandering Evons.
10- The West Labyrinth’s corridors have shifted.
11- The Liergarnin King has vowed to kill all humans.
12- A notched stick of wishes can be found in a forest troll’s hoard.
I drop a fingertip on rumor number one. A Lich. “What are the odds this one is true?” Fighting undead monsters is one thing. Fighting an undead wizard is another. “We’re not equipped to take on a Lich.”
“Hopefully that rumor is false,” Slim glances down the scroll. “Or just Whipstitch.”
“What do you mean, Whipstitch?” I ask.
Biff pushes his way between Slim and me and snatches his ale from the bar. “Colossal thirst.” He chugs the whole of its contents. “Aaaaa, comforts the heart.”
“Excuse me, Riff.” Bella reaches over me and picks up a cup. “You were supposed to bring these to our table.” She nods Slim’s direction. “Hello, Gregarious.”
Hans drops a sack onto the bar. “We’re back. While you were all drinking like fish, Salo and I sold everything we had for eight gold coins.”
“Way to go, Hans.” I roll up the scroll and stuff it in my pocket. I’ll ask Slim what a Whipstitch is later. No need to alarm the party with Lich talk, yet. “I didn’t think you would get over six or seven.” I empty the coins into my bag.
ADD: 8 gold coins to Jareth Goblinmasher. New gold coin balance: 20
“Li
sten up, team,” I insist. “We have re-acquired the services of Slim here as our thief. He is bringing his sniffer, Skookum, and will join us as a full-fledged fighting, thieving member of our party.”
Bella gives me the stink eye. “I hope you didn’t over pay.”
I shrug. “How could I overpay? You’ve seen my wallet.”
She looks Slim up and down with a frown. “I look forward to seeing you fight, Greg.”
Skookum peeks out from under Slim’s hat and sniffs the air.
Bella’s frown turns to a smile at the sight of the sniffer. She gently pets Skook under her chin. “Oh, she’s beautiful.”
“And deadly in a skirmish.” Slim picks up his shot glass and maneuvers it under Skook’s mouth where she laps up the liquid.
“We need deadly.” Bella pauses to examine her player’s sheet, then shakes it out of her vision. “And more time.” She slowly breathes in, blows out a sharp breath, and chugs down her hydromel. “Let’s talk strategy. This party has a level-up problem that needs to be addressed. We will be taking on some high level, heavy-experience-point-giving monsters on our next leg. Our best melee skills will be needed. Hans, re-acquaint yourself with your deadliest cleric skills. Your ability to dispel the undead is sure to come into play.”
“My abilities have been in play,” Hans says. “I’ve saved this resource-draining party from death several times already. Though I am low on spells, as usual, I will carry you all on my back.”
I raise my cup. “So, let’s get on with it. Who will drink with me to the slaughter of Setan?”
My toast is met with a chorus of cheers and the splash of liquid.
Our drinking done and our thief secured, we step outside the pub and run into a large two-wheeled handcart being pushed by an old pockmarked man. “Unique magical provisions available here.” He waves us over. “My prices are cheaper than any stone-and-plaster shop and superior in quality. Ask anybody about Cheapjack’s papyrus and elixir.”
