Aquarium

by David Vann

  I only think of you, she whispered. I can’t think of anything else. What have you done to me?

  I couldn’t stop kissing her, even when she was speaking. Her hands on my back, under my pajamas, pulling me close.

  Caitlin, my mother called, and knocked on the door. You have to finish breakfast. And maybe say hello to Shalini’s mother. Jeez.

  Maybe they’ll just go away, I whispered.

  Shalini smiled and stepped back, pushed my hands away, then opened the door. This is a beautiful home, she said to our smiling mothers.

  Have you had breakfast? Steve asked. Please join us for pancakes, both of you.

  I should go, Shalini’s mother said. My husband looked very confused when we left.

  Shalini’s mother was beautiful. And just listening to her, you could tell she didn’t have the rough side that my mother had. I wanted her to stay as a shield. My mother free to do or say anything in front of my grandfather and Steve, and this would be true in front of Shalini, also, I knew, but not her mother. Please stay, I said.

  She put her hand on my cheek. How darling, she said. But I should go. Have fun, and don’t stay up all night. She looked at my mother then. They haven’t told you it’s a sleepover, have they?

  No, my mother said. But that’s fine.

  I’ll take them to school tomorrow, my grandfather said. He was standing at the table holding on to his chair. It must have been so strange to suddenly have all these people in his home.

  Are you sure? I can take Shalini back home now.

  No, really, my mother said.

  Well I’ll leave you then, she said, and kissed Shalini’s cheek and was out the door.

  Well, Steve said. The most fabulous breakfast ever made by human hands is getting cold.

  So modest, my mother said.

  No bacon for Shalini, I said. And I have to give back my bacon, too.

  More for me, my mother said, and reached over and grabbed the beautiful strips that had been on top my pancakes. I was sad to see them go.

  You can have your bacon, Shalini said, and I loved the way she said it, her voice in a lilt that made the word bacon something new.

  No, I said. I’m a Buddhist. I worship the golden fish.

  Shalini laughed.

  What’s that? my mother asked. She was talking with her mouth full of pancake. My grandfather and Steve were tucking in, also, everyone’s forks busy. Only Shalini used a knife to cut.

  After Steve told me about the Pharaoh Fish, I told Mr. Gustafson that I was Buddhist and worshipped the golden fish.

  Nice influence, my mother said, and punched Steve.

  What? Steve said. I was only talking about my time in Egypt, when I lived on the bottom of the river.

  Now I see why Caitlin is so crazy, Shalini said.

  My grandfather looked so happy, watching us eat and talk. When I remember him, I often think of that morning, because it was our first time all together with Shalini, a wonderful morning when all was peaceful and good, no fighting, and our lives seemed like new things that would stretch on forever. An innocence. There would be such terrible moments later that day, but for now, all was safe and calm, and I could still love everyone in an easy way.

  It began with Steve’s idea to go cut down a Christmas tree. He should have known this would be too much for my mother. She didn’t want my grandfather to have a happy Christmas family time. We all should have known to say no. But Steve looked so excited.

  We’ll run through the snow like wolves, he said. I’ll carry the handsaw, like some man from a fairy tale. I’ve always wanted to do this and never have. Just run into the forest and cut down a tree.

  Is that legal? my mother asked.

  One tree, Steve said. And not even a big one. Who will miss it?

  I don’t know.

  What about you, Caitlin? Steve asked. And Shalini. Do you want to run through the forest like wolves?

  I looked at Shalini and we laughed.

  That sounds like a yes, Steve said. What about you, Bob? he asked my grandfather.

  Okay, my grandfather said. He was smiling. I don’t mind getting in a little trouble. This was the end of breakfast, all of us full and leaning back into our chairs. My grandfather’s arms crossed. He wore a brown cardigan. His eyes blinking.

  Well, my mother said. I don’t know. She grabbed a last strawberry. I guess if I have to spend the night in jail, at least I don’t have to go to work right after.

  There you go, Steve said. We’re all set then. He jumped up from his seat and started grabbing dishes.

  All the maple syrup everywhere, and I wanted to kiss Shalini with maple syrup lips.

  My first Christmas tree, she said. Today I will be more American.

  How long have you been here? my grandfather asked.

  Six months.

  How is your English so good after only six months?

  We learned English in school in Delhi, where I come from. It used to be British English, so I have a bit of an accent, even though everyone’s learning American now.

  Fancy, my grandfather said.

  Yes. I try to be fancy.

  My grandfather laughed. Well any friend of Caitlin’s is a friend of mine.

  My mother had a sour look already, and my grandfather should have been more careful.

  I got up and helped with the dishes.

  What’s Delhi like? my grandfather asked.

  We had a bigger house, many rooms, and many people to do the cooking and cleaning, and I had tutors. And the city was enormous, and had so many things.

  It seems strange that you left.

  Yes.

  We’ll all need boots and snow pants, Steve said.

  We don’t have those, my mother said. Cheap rain pants, I guess, the kind you just put over your regular pants, but no boots except rubber ones.

  Those’ll work. We won’t be out in the snow long. Just put on some good socks, two layers.

  I don’t have any boots, Shalini said. I’m sorry.

  It’s a different place, my grandfather said. But it sounds like you had everything in India, like your family was well off there.

  Yes.

  You have a class system there.

  Yes, a caste system.

  We should get moving, Steve said. I need to run to my place for the saw and my boots and such. Then we’ll head off in my truck and one of the cars.

  Shalini doesn’t have boots, I said.

  We’ll grab some on the way out, Steve said. Just some rubber boots.

  What caste was your family? my grandfather asked.

  Khatri, Shalini said.

  And what’s that?

  I guess it’s the ruling class. My great-grandfather was a wazir.

  And what’s that?

  The advisor to the king. The second most important person.

  Holy smokes. You’re royalty, or aristocracy or nobility or something.

  Shalini laughed. Not really. We’re just American now.

  But what was it like? my grandfather asked. What was it like growing up in that class?

  Jesus, my mother said. Suddenly you’re the interested one. Want to know all about the world, and hear all of Shalini’s stories.

  Sorry, my grandfather said. I’m just curious about the other side, what it’s like to grow up not struggling for money.

  My father has to work, Shalini said. My family lost all of their land.

  How did that happen? my grandfather asked.

  Seriously, my mother said. You don’t give a shit about your own daughter, and then you have to know everything about Shalini’s family ten generations back.

  I’m sorry, Shalini, my grandfather said. This is my fault. It’s true I wasn’t here.

  It’s not just that you weren’t here, my mother said. It’
s also that you still don’t give a shit. You like seeing Caitlin and her little friend, because how critical, really, are twelve-year-olds going to be? You get to play Santa.

  It’s not like that.

  Really?

  Of course I want to know about your life. I want to know everything. I’m just afraid to ask.

  Spare me. Poor little grandpapa having to walk on eggshells around his big bad daughter.

  Please, Mom, I said.

  Jesus, Caitlin. You really have a way of stepping in it.

  I do want to know, my grandfather said. I want you to tell me everything. The others can go cut down a tree, and you and I can sit here and talk and I want to hear everything.

  Not so easy. I’m not going to just vomit up my life in one day. An occasional question would be nice. Just some small sign of interest as you do your long interviews with everyone else.

  The fire had gone out of my mother. We were all looking at the floor. Just silence and no one moving. I felt so bad for Shalini, but this was a moment I couldn’t do anything.

  There was a clock ticking. I’ve always hated that sound. Unbearably tense and also empty at the same time, soulless. It seemed impossible that my mother would ever forgive my grandfather.

  When we finally had the saw and all the boots and rain pants, we drove east on Interstate 90, over Mercer Island and toward nothing. My mother and Steve in the pickup, Shalini and I with my grandfather in his small rental car. The sky a white void, the clouds in low, falling of snow without wind, then clear, then falling again. Sound only of the car.

  Mount Rainier somewhere off to our right, south, but invisible, Mount Baker to the left. Desert ahead. I’d never been there, and it was hard to believe, but not far ahead, within a hundred miles, all the rain and trees just ended suddenly in desert. I wanted to go there.

  Shalini and I had to sit apart in the back because of the seat belts, but we held hands down low. I was afraid she’d never come over again after all the fighting. Who would want to come to my family’s house a second time?

  Have you been to the desert? I asked my grandfather. He hadn’t said a word since we left. This wasn’t like him.

  Yeah, he said, sounding tired. Have you?

  No. We never drive anywhere. I’ve never been to Canada or Oregon or Montana or anything. I haven’t even been out to the islands.

  Well. We have to change that.

  Then he was silent again. Sound of the engine and tires, Shalini holding my hand but looking out her window into the blankness. The car cold. He hadn’t put the heater on. I was bundled up but could feel my nose and ears.

  What’s the desert like?

  My grandfather sighed, then waved one hand in the air. It’s uh, like the moon. You leave the forest and go to the moon in about one mile, like two planets were cut in half and then stuck together. Suddenly there are no trees. Sorry, I just don’t feel like talking.

  Why?

  Your mother will always hate me. That’s what I think now. I don’t think it will change. I guess I let myself believe she only needed time, but I don’t believe that now.

  She doesn’t hate you.

  Each thing that happens to us, each and every thing, it leaves some dent, and that dent will always be there. Each of us is a walking wreck.

  I squeezed Shalini’s hand, and she squeezed mine back and looked over, sad and afraid. There were no limits to what could happen in my family.

  Trees like ghosts out of the white, so still and straight and waiting in silence, all of them, hundreds, with only empty gaps between, a forest cold and abandoned. My grandfather drove on past small gravel roads leading to parks and lakes until the slope rose into exposed black rock that disappeared in cloud. The higher forest, and it seemed we might just drive forever and become lost, and that this might be a good thing, but Steve finally pulled to the shoulder where the trees huddled in close, and we all piled out into the cold.

  I don’t like this forest, I said.

  Steve nodded. Frosty, he said. He must be living nearby. Not wearing a nice scarf and hat but only snow and a stick nose and eyes from small stones, and he’s hiding behind trees and watching, and he’s not alone. There are others like him, other snowmen.

  Stop, my mother said. You’re going to scare them.

  But Steve came and took my hand and Shalini’s. If you see anything, he said in a quiet voice, just run.

  I looked at Shalini, both of us terrified, and then Steve laughed. Don’t worry. How fast can a snowman run?

  He grabbed a long saw then with big teeth and stepped into the forest, really like some man in a fairy tale, a brown scarf around his neck, brown jacket and pants, same color as wool spun in a village of small houses made of logs. A fire in every hearth to keep out all that lurked, all the houses arranged facing each other in a tight circle, and this man walks out alone.

  But my mother followed, and then my grandfather, and Shalini and I were too terrified to stay behind, so then the trees were swallowing us too.

  Shalini’s hand squeezing mine tight. Her face faded already from cold, turned ashen, as if we could walk here and become as bloodless as the snowmen. I was looking everywhere for them, at the edge of every tree, behind every snowbank. Small black eyes and stick nose all that we’d see, the larger outlines lost in all other white. Eyes and nose enough to imagine evil, all that’s needed for a face.

  Sound of our rubber boots squeaking against the snow, so loud, drawing all of them near. I saw them shifting through trees faster than anything with blood could run, and I thought maybe they could hear blood, could hear our hearts beating, looking for warmth, needing it, come to carve out our still-beating hearts.

  I screamed and ran, and Shalini screamed, and we charged through the snow, still holding hands, pushing away branches, stumbling and rising again, the sky the same as the snow, all white and blinding, and every tree hiding something, and we could never outrun ourselves.

  We fell into a hollow under a large tree, deep into the snow, buried past our waists. Trapped and whining now with fear, no longer screaming, clutching at each other, looking everywhere, to all sides, expecting to see the snowmen rushing in. Exactly like sharks, invisible in their element, shadows and phantoms felt shifting and sensing the beating of your heart, and you want to believe they’re only imagined, and then suddenly it’s too late and you’re devoured.

  I felt trapped in that hollow, tried to climb out but there was nothing to hold on to, only snow I kept sinking through.

  We can’t get out of here, I whispered, panicked. We’re buried.

  Shalini fighting at the snow, also, but we had these cheap rubber boots and rain pants that slipped, and we didn’t know what to do.

  Caitlin! I could hear my mother’s voice, but muffled and distant, and not quite right.

  Your mother, Shalini said.

  It might not be her, I said. It might be a trick.

  Shalini looked so scared. We listened and heard other voices now, too, that might be my grandfather and Steve or might not. Twig noses and soulless eyes, the snow itself come alive and hunting, sending voices into the forest like bait.

  Don’t answer, Shalini said in a voice hardly even a whisper. Don’t answer, Caitlin.

  We clutched at each other and tried to be silent and invisible, shivering in snow that reached almost to our shoulders. A numbness in my legs, the cold a kind of weight that took over flesh. Like a spider’s web, this hollow, and the cold a poison, slow, the snowmen reaching with fingers you could never feel, only some dull recognition that all was already given over. The blood in us cooling, and it would stop soon, and we’d have only our eyes left moving without a heartbeat, to see when they came for us.

  Caitlin! I heard, and I could tell it was not my mother’s voice, not real. It was only the voice I wanted, worried about me, wanting to keep me safe, desperate with love. A voice t
o lure, but I kept silent. I knew it wasn’t possible.

  Caitlin! As if I were all that mattered, and this is what the snow offers, a numbing and fading of the rest of the world until you’re all that’s left.

  My grandfather’s voice too, high now and strained, not like him at all, sounding almost like a woman, old, or the high scree of sticks when they rub together in wind. The trees in collusion with the snowmen. Shalini and I pressed in close to the tree, rough bark, sharing our last warmth, but these bare lower branches around us curved in to form a thin cage. Sticks brittle but so many of them.

  And then we heard footfalls, coming fast, the snowmen grown legs like wolves to travel faster, half element, half beast, water and air fused to blood, leaping at us from every direction, and we shrank down until our faces were in the snow, and we were almost fully hidden, and this was our only hope, that they wouldn’t see us, but then it was Steve, panting hard, and he collapsed to his knees. They’re here! he yelled. I found them!

  He lay down on the snow and edged close enough for us to reach his hand. Caitlin, he said. Grab my hand. And hurry. Your mother can’t see this. She’ll kill me.

  Shalini first, I said.

  Okay. Shalini then.

  I could feel Shalini shaking from cold and fear, and I let her go as Steve pulled her free, one of her boots missing. I ducked down to find it, lost inside the snow, hard grains against my cheeks.

  I could hear Steve saying something but muffled, and then I found the boot and stood and could breathe and hear clearly again.

  Take my hand, he said, and he pulled me sliding free. We all stood then, and he put Shalini’s boot back on, and took us by the hands and we ran away from anything my mother might see. Over here! he was yelling.

  The forest not yet returned to anything normal. Like a dream you can’t wake from, and I think fairy tale is always waiting for us, that we can slip at any moment into forests and wolves and voices luring and believe in the shadow world. All that we fear embodied, all pattern and shape that hides somewhere within set loose.