Pushing Pause

by Celeste O. Norfleet

  “Yeah, they were fun.” I nodded and smiled.

  “I remember Mom and I cooked a ton of hot dogs and hamburgers on the grill and everybody brought a covered dish. Man,” Natalie said, chuckling to herself. “We had so much food it was insane. But it disappeared so damn fast, it was like we didn’t have a thing. I remember one year Mom even had to send me out to get more food. I still can’t believe Brian and his friends could eat like that. They were like vacuum cleaners.”

  As Natalie continued talking about the food, I could see that Jalisa’s face had darkened. She went quiet. She was hurting. She always did when somebody mentioned her brother. Brian was her older brother by four years, but he was out of the picture now. At one time me and Diamond had a serious crush on him. He was so cute, but then he started doing drugs and everything changed, he changed.

  It hurt Jalisa when he left, it still does. I hate seeing her like that. So I started laughing.

  Natalie looked up at me in the mirror and Jalisa turned around. “Remember when Diamond fell in the pool?” I said. Jalisa’s face instantly changed.

  “Oh, man, yeah, man, I forgot all about that. She just got her hair done and she was showing off for that guy, what was his name?”

  “Um, Scott, I think, Scott Roberts.”

  “That’s right, she had such a crush on him.”

  “He was cute,” I said.

  “Yeah, he was,” Jalisa agreed.

  “I wonder whatever happened to him,” I said.

  “They were military and he moved when his father got transferred.”

  “Diamond falling in a pool, when did all that happen?” Natalie asked. “And what pool, we never had a pool in the yard.”

  “Yeah, we did, you remember, you, me and Brian blew up all those kiddie pools and filled them with sodas and ice, then put them all over the yard, remember?”

  “Which time was this?”

  “It was when we were going into seventh grade,” I said. “No, eighth grade.”

  “That was so funny.” Jalisa and I laughed again, then started telling more stories from past back-to-school parties.

  “Oh, yeah, before I forget, Diamond called right after you left. Did you catch up with her?” Natalie said.

  “Yeah,” Jalisa said quickly.

  “How come y’all three don’t hang out anymore, what happened, y’all stop speaking or something?” Neither Jalisa nor I spoke. “Y’all three used to be thick as thieves when the three of you went to the dance studio together.”

  “She still around,” Jalisa said. “We saw her tonight. Since she stays with her grandmother in D.C. most of the time in the summer, she goes to the dance studio at different times than we do, that’s all.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  So a few minutes later, we pulled up in front of my house. Natalie stopped the car and I got out. “Thanks, Natalie. We really appreciate the ride. See ya, Jalisa.”

  “I’ll call you before I go to work,” she said.

  “Okay, bye, and thanks again.”

  “Kenisha, don’t forget to tell your mom hi for me.”

  “I will. Good night,” I said, then went inside.

  The foyer light had been left on as usual when I was out of the house late. It was quiet except for the low beeping of the alarm system. I went to the panel, reset it, then tipped upstairs to my bedroom. I glanced over to the master bedroom suite, the light was still on. I figured that Mom had already fallen asleep since she hadn’t called my cell in over an hour, so I just went to my bedroom and went to sleep.

  CHAPTER 5

  Kenisha and Jalisa and Diamond

  “They lit the fuse a long time ago, so I guess it was only a matter of time before there would be an explosion. Is it my fault that I am what they made me?”

  —myspace.com

  Slipping in and out of the house was getting easier and easier. Mom was asleep when I got home last night and still asleep when I left this morning. I hated those tiny white sleeping pills she took, but sometimes they came in handy. I once saw this TV show that said that people who habitually take sleeping pills were trying to hide from something. I wondered what my mom was hiding from.

  So as usual I hung out around the pool in our backyard in the morning, talking three-way to my girls on the phone. I had already done my laps, so I was just chilling while the hot sun warmed and dried me. Jalisa was getting ready to go to work, and Chili was still in bed.

  “Did your mom say anything last night?” Chili asked.

  “No, she was asleep when I got in.”

  “Lucky you, I heard it first thing this morning. Nat didn’t have to tell my mom, she already knew. I’m grounded.”

  “Oooh, bummer,” Chili said.

  “That’s a shame,” I said, feeling lucky that I didn’t have Jalisa’s mom. She was nice and all, but she was super strict on Jalisa because she was the youngest. “Are you going to be able to go to dance class later?”

  “I don’t know. I hope so, I’ll have to see.”

  “What time do you have to be at work?” Chili asked through a stifled yawn.

  “Early, nine-thirty, as a matter of fact, I gotta go now.”

  That’s another thing; Jalisa’s mom insisted that she have a job in the summer. I don’t think it was because they needed the money, but more like she didn’t want Jalisa just hanging around doing nothing, like me and Chili.

  “See y’all later.”

  She clicked off and Chili and I continued talking about the night before. Later at the mall I caught up with LaVon and Chili and a few other friends. I picked up a hoodie and a pair of jeans when Chili and I went shopping. LaVon and the others hung out in the food court, then I went over to his house. We watched a bootleg DVD he’d just gotten of a film still in the theaters, but we missed the end ’cause he had to go to basketball practice. So he dropped me off at home before going.

  We were in the car out front kissing and saying goodbye, but then as usual he started getting all up on himself. So I pulled back. “I gotta go, my mom’s probably home,” I said, “and she’s on my case now especially since I did that body piercing and it got infected.”

  “Come on, Kenisha, this junior high shit isn’t working for me. You need to step up and act like you want to be with me. I’m tired of this kid stuff.”

  “Oh, you giving me an ultimatum or something?”

  “That’s right,” he said.

  “What about your basketball practice today?”

  “What about it?”

  “So when you have something to do it’s okay but when I have something to do like my dance class and I have to go then it’s kid stuff.”

  “You know that dance shit ain’t as important as my basketball. That’s my future.”

  “And dance isn’t mine?” I questioned.

  “You know what I mean. Every time we start hooking up, you say you got to go. All I’m saying is that you need to step up. So what’s it gonna be, dance or me?”

  “Another ultimatum?”

  “Yeah, that’s right.”

  I leaned over and kissed him sweet. His mouth opened and I was all inside, loving the way he made me feel, like I was loved and wanted. So we kept going, then I backed off again when I heard my name called. “Kenisha.” I turned around and saw my mom standing in the open door.

  “You need to leave, son, now,” she said to LaVon.

  He smiled and nodded. “See ya, shorty.”

  I got out the car and watched him drive off and prepared for new drama. As soon as the door closed behind us, my mom started in on me. “Kenisha, what is wrong with you, what was all that?”

  “All what, nothing.”

  “Nothing, are you kidding me, are you having sex?”

  “No,” I said firmly, truthfully.

  “Don’t lie to me.”

  “I’m not, we’re not having sex.”

  “I don’t ever want to see that boy around here again.”

  “Why are you always hating on him like th
at?”

  “Do you see yourself, you were damn near in that man’s lap sitting out there.”

  “He’s my boyfriend, he loves me.”

  “Kenisha, he loves what you can do for him.”

  “See, you’re always thinking it’s about sex. We have a future together, we’re gonna get married and have a family and live in a house twice this size with more money than you can imagine.”

  “How, with what?”

  “The NBA,” I said, knowing that it would shut her up.

  “Baby, please, I’m trying to be understanding and I know that teenage years are confusing and difficult and you have a lot of things coming at you, but…”

  Okay, this was the point where I usually tuned out. I looked her straight in the eye and wondered what she had been like at fifteen. Probably alone, no friends, no boyfriend, just her and those stupid sleeping pills.

  “…Do you hear me?” she said.

  I didn’t, but I answered anyway. “Yes, but I don’t know why you don’t like LaVon. He’s gonna be a huge NBA basketball player and have tons of cash rolling in and…”

  “Is that what you want, just to be with someone because of what they can do for you and how much money they have? What about what you can do for yourself?” She stopped, then slowed down and took my hands as we sat down on the sofa. “Kenisha, I love you more than my life and I don’t want you making the same mistakes I did. Life isn’t all about money and comfort. You need to understand and learn that now.”

  “But you did it. You have money, you married Dad and we have money, so what’s so wrong with that?”

  “But at what cost?”

  “What?”

  “Baby, some choices in life can’t be changed. Your grandmother married Grandpop because he was a preacher and a man on the rise, and I married your father for basically the same reason. You and Jade have other choices for your lives, and know this, the choices you make now will follow you a long time.”

  “I’m going to college, if that’s what you’re talking about, you know that.”

  “Good, do that. But focus on what you want and not what your friends want or what a boyfriend wants. It’s your life, you control it, nobody else. Don’t just follow the crowd. You decide what’s best for you, knowing that whatever you decide, you have to be able to live with the consequences.”

  I had no idea what all that was about, so I just nodded. “Are you going out now?” I asked her.

  “Yes, I have to pick up a few things, then make a few more stops. I’ll be back late, so grab something to eat.”

  “Okay,” I said, knowing exactly what I was going to do, “I think I’ll go to a movie or something, then hang out with Jalisa.”

  “Okay, just be careful.”

  She drove off and I snuck out ten minutes later and went to Freeman Dance Studio. I hadn’t actually been in class in a while, so it felt great to be back. My usual class was in an hour, but since I didn’t feel like being home anymore, I left early and just sat down in the back of the advanced class before ours and watched as they finished up. Jade, my cousin, was teaching this class, and Diamond, my ex-best friend, was in it.

  Although our advanced class danced hip-hop and was good, this class was seriously hot. Every step and every movement was perfectly in sync. They looked like a fluid machine as they moved. I was shocked at how good they were. They mixed jazz, hip-hop and street and came out with these serious movements that were on fire.

  I was checking them out so hard that I didn’t even notice that Jalisa was there until she sat down right next to me.

  “Hey, I didn’t think you’d make it. So what are you doing here, aren’t you still grounded?” she asked me.

  “Yeah, but my mom was going out, so I decided to go out, too. What she doesn’t know…but remember also, my punishment was for me not to take dance classes for a month. She didn’t say anything about me not sitting and watching them.”

  We cracked up laughing, then stopped when we got shushed. Then we continued watching the dancers. “I like this song,” I said, popping my shoulders to the hot hip-hop/reggae beat.

  “She looks really good out there,” Jalisa said about Diamond’s dancing.

  Her moves were tight and crisp and although I’d never admit it to her or Jalisa, she looked like a professional dancer. “She a’ight, I guess,” I said.

  “Don’t even front, you know she’s better than both of us put together.”

  “I beg your pardon, my stuff is hot,” I said, taking mock offense, but of course everybody knew that Diamond was one of the best dancers in the school. And when we did competition, she really kicked it out.

  “I’m the future businesswoman entrepreneur, you’re the computer genius whiz kid and Diamond is the dancer-actress-singer. We all have our specialties.”

  “What about Chili?” I asked.

  We looked at each other and just burst out laughing until we got shushed again. We joked again as we kept watching. “What I don’t get is why you’re still so tight with Diamond.”

  “’Cause she’s our friend,” Jalisa said softly.

  “Your friend,” I insisted.

  “Whatever.”

  We sat awhile in silence just looking at the dancers and listening to the beat of the music. I started thinking about all those times when it was just me, Jalisa and Diamond, always together. When you saw one, the other two were close by. That’s how it had been since we were four years old. We all went to the same school, had the same classes and hung out in the same dance studio. Then we just didn’t anymore.

  Our class started, and Jalisa participated and I watched, as per my punishment. An hour and a half later, Jalisa and I were on the Metro headed back home. “Why don’t you come over and hang out for a while?”

  I guess she could see that I didn’t want to go home yet. “What’s for dinner?”

  “I don’t know. I think my mom was going to grill some fish on the deck.”

  I smiled. Jalisa’s mom had to be the best cook in the neighborhood. So there was no question about it, I was going home with her.

  So we ate and hung out till way after dark, then Jalisa’s mom let her drive me home even though she only had her learner’s permit. But since we live in the next block, it was okay. So we pulled up into my driveway and the headlights flashed on my dad’s car parked there.

  “Your dad’s here,” Jalisa said.

  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Yeah.”

  I got out.

  “Call me later,” Jalisa said.

  I nodded, “See ya.” I waved and as soon as she pulled out, the front door opened and of course I knew it was my mom again, just like this morning with LaVon.

  I turned around and saw my dad coming out with his briefcase. Relief washed over me. It was good to see him again, it seemed like forever. “Dad, you’re back.” We hugged.

  “Hi, baby girl, how are you?” he asked, putting his briefcase on the brick step in front.

  “Fine.”

  “Are you getting ready for school?”

  “Hardly, I still got a month but I’m gonna need money to buy some new clothes.”

  “Remind me later, okay, baby?” he said.

  “So, you hanging around or what?”

  “No, baby, I gotta go,” he said, then glanced up at the house and picked up his briefcase.

  “Where you going?” I asked him as he headed down the steps toward his car. I followed.

  “I have some things to take care of,” he added as he got in the car. When the inside light came on I saw that he had three suitcases and a box in the backseat.

  “You and mom argue again?”

  “Talk to your mother, I gotta go, baby.”

  “Wait.”

  “Kenisha, look, I love you, you know that, but things are gonna be different around here pretty soon. You’re still my daughter and that will never change.”

  “You’re getting a divorce,” I said, the words sounding like they were foreign.
>
  “No, baby, we’re not getting a divorce, that can’t happen.”

  “Really?” I questioned.

  “I swear, trust me, we’re not divorcing,” he said. I knew I should have felt better, relieved, but something in his voice didn’t quite do it for me. There was still something going on that he wasn’t telling me. “Now go talk to your mother.”

  “Why don’t you just tell me?”

  “Go, Kenisha.”

  “Is she awake?”

  “Yeah, go, talk to your mother.” He leaned down and kissed my hand. “Be good, see you soon.”

  “Promise,” I said, but he gunned the engine and pulled away before answering.

  CHAPTER 6

  Hell of a Surprise

  “The boredom of stagnation was endless as I sat waiting for something to happen, my life to change, my world to erupt. It did.”

  —myspace.com

  So I walked into the house and looked around as an impending sense of doom hung in the air. Something was wrong, I could feel it. It was quiet, too quiet, so I knew something was up. The foyer light was off, along with all the other lights in the house, including the upstairs hall light. I locked the door and went upstairs. When I got halfway up I heard my mom talking on the phone. Her bedroom door was open but pulled to, so I couldn’t exactly make out what she was saying.

  I continued upstairs and headed to my room as quietly as I could. I was an hour late for my curfew and the last thing I needed was to deal with my mom tonight. I opened my bedroom door and was just about to step inside when I heard my mom crying. I stopped.

  My mom didn’t cry. She yelled, she screamed, she threatened and she slapped, but she never cried, at least I never heard her. She always said that crying was for the weak. I walked down the hall and stood at her half-open door and listened.

  “Mom, I don’t want to deal with that now,” she was saying, “and you saying I told you so isn’t helping me, either. Can we or can’t we?”

  She went silent, so I leaned in closer, putting my ear to the open space. I assumed she was listening. “Thanks,” she finally said, then listened again. “Thank you,” she repeated, then sighed heavily and continued listening.