‘Actually, I’ve been doing pretty well without you.’ I hold his eyes so he gets the hint. I don’t know why I’m being like this. I don’t want to be. Not really.
‘So, you going to sit with me?’
‘If I do, will you think I fancy you?’
His face falls. ‘Look, Sarah. I’m sorry about that. I—’
‘It’s OK. I was joking.’ And I wonder if we’ll ever get back to where we were.
We play Bingo. Say little. It’s the first time I haven’t been able to talk to him.
When the last game’s over, I stand up and smile. ‘So, I guess I’ll see you Monday.’ For some stupid reason I feel like crying.
‘What? No study?’
I make a face. ‘Do you want to?’
‘Course I do. There’s this new memory technique I’ve developed. I was hoping to try it out.’
I shrug. ‘OK.’
We go to his room.
‘OK,’ he says as I close the door. ‘Let’s start with French. You know how hard it is to remember if something’s masculine or feminine?’
‘Do I.’
‘OK. Right. When you’re learning a word, just visualise the thing wearing either boxer shorts (if it’s masculine) or a bra (if it’s feminine).’
I laugh. ‘You’re crazy.’
‘So, ‘house’, in French, is what?’
‘Maison.’
‘Masculine or feminine?’
‘Masculine. No, feminine.’ I make a face. ‘Masculine?’
‘OK, imagine a house wearing a bra.’
I can see it. I don’t think I’ll ever forget it. I laugh.
‘What colour’s the bra?’
‘Blue.’
‘See? Told you it works.’
And just like that, I feel like kissing him again.
Saturday morning, Alex wants us to come over. When she gets off the phone, it rings almost immediately. It’s Rachel.
‘She sounded positive,’ she says, hopefully.
‘I know. That’s what I was thinking.’
Rachel’s mum picks me up. And I know the minute I get into the car that Rachel has told her. They’re close like that.
When Alex answers the door, she’s smiling. I look at Rachel. Definitely positive.
We go upstairs. In her room, Alex bursts into a really big smile.
‘I told David. We’re staying together. And keeping the baby.’
Wow, I think. From being absolutely stuck to full steam ahead.
Rachel hugs her.
Then I’m in there too.
‘He’s coming home for the scan,’ Alex says. ‘In, like, two weeks.’
‘I knew you could count on him,’ Rachel says.
‘I was so scared, though, Rache. I practised telling him so many times, in so many ways.’
‘But he’s David,’ I say.
‘Yeah. And a baby’s for life,’ Alex says.
Oh my God. ‘Are you getting married?’
She shakes her head. ‘When I get married, it’ll be because I want to, not because I have to. I want the same for David.’
‘Did he ask?’ I ask.
‘Yeah, he asked.’
I think they should. They were made for each other. Why wait? It’s inevitable that they’ll end up together. ‘It’s good you’re keeping the baby, though,’ I say.
She looks at me for a long time. ‘Sarah, I didn’t really have a choice. That baby isn’t just part of me and David, it’s part of our mums. It has their genes.’ Her voice wobbles.
‘Wow.’ I never even thought of that.
‘What did he say when you told him?’ Rachel asks.
‘Same thing everyone says, “Are you sure?” He was so shocked. I was so afraid. But then, he just said, “Right. We’ll deal with it.” And suddenly it wasn’t my problem any more, it was ours. I cried I was so relieved.’
‘David’s the best.’
‘Have you told your dad?’ Rachel asks.
‘The minute I got off Skype.’
‘Was he OK?’ I ask.
‘Not really. He was, like, all distressed, blaming himself for not being around. I think he’s terrified.’
‘I love your dad,’ I say.
‘It might even be good for him to have a baby in the house,’ Rachel says.
‘A bit hasty, Rache,’ Alex says.
‘Yeah, sorry.’
‘Anyone on for going down to the beach?’ Alex asks.
It’s the first good day of summer. You can actually feel warmth in the air. Which is pretty amazing for Ireland, a country that can take or leave the whole season.
We walk the beach with Homer. And for ages we don’t even bother talking. I’m so glad for Alex. So glad she’s not alone in this any more. They won’t fight over the baby. I know they won’t. And David – he’ll help with the nappies. Oh my God … ‘Does this mean he’s going to move back to Ireland?’ I ask.
Alex looks unsure. ‘We haven’t got that far.’
I feel like apologising.
We’re quiet for ages.
‘Hey, what’s up with Homer?’ I ask, eventually. ‘I thought he loved the sea.’ He’s been walking by our side since we started.
Alex looks at me. ‘You’re not going to believe this but he won’t leave my side. It’s like he’s protecting me.’
‘Ah, bless,’ I say.
‘And you know what? He knew before I did. I swear to God.’
‘Wow. That’s amazing.’
Rachel looks deep in thought.
‘What are you going to do about school?’ she asks.
I want to tell her to leave it. But it’s too late. It’s out now.
‘What about school?’ Alex asks.
‘When are you going to tell them?’
‘I’m not.’
‘But they’ll notice. Eventually.’
‘Let them.’
I think of Simon and people like him. ‘If anyone gives you hassle, I’ll punch their lights out.’ I feel so protective of her suddenly.
‘Good to know,’ she says, and winks at me.
TWENTY-FOUR | PLEASURE
Two weeks later, we’re over at Alex’s. Getting her ready for David, who’s coming the following morning. And I know it’s not the most perfect situation in the world, but I still think it’s romantic, him coming all this way to be with her. I think of Shane and what could have been if things were different. We’re friends again, of course. But it’s different. Because you can’t really forget. You can’t really go back to the way it was. All you can do is try to put it out of your mind. That’s what I do now.
Rachel has put this great hair treatment in Alex’s hair. While it’s doing its work, I’m going to give her a French manicure.
‘OK. Hand ’em over.’
Reluctantly, she gives me her hands.
‘Oh my God! You’ve been biting your nails.’
She grimaces. ‘I know. I’m sorry. I’ve just been kind of freaking.’ She looks from me to Rache. ‘What if he changes his mind? What if he takes one look at me pregnant and goes off me?’
‘Alex, you look the same,’ I say.
She stands up and pulls down the zip of her jeans. ‘See?’
‘There’s nothing there.’
‘I see it. He’ll see it.’
‘Alex, you do not look pregnant,’ Rachel says firmly.
Alex zips up her jeans and yanks down her top. ‘Yeah, well I will. I’ll be huge.’
‘And then you won’t again. It’s not forever.’
‘But a baby is.’
‘And David’s OK with that,’ Rachel says.
But it’s like she doesn’t hear. ‘I’m going to be responsible for this person for the rest of my life. What if I make a mistake? What if I drop it? What if it ends up on drugs?’
I smile. ‘Alex, you’re going to be the best mum. You know why? Because you had the best mum.’ (I’ve given this a lot of thought.) ‘You’ll know what to do because you’ve seen her do it. It’ll just come to you.’
I really believe that.
‘You liked her, didn’t you, my mum?’
I look at her. ‘Alex, I loved your mum.’ Then I tell her something I’ve never told anyone. ‘I really miss her, you know?’ She was so good to me, so warm when my own mum was so distant. ‘I know I’ve no right to miss her. She was your mum.’
‘I think it’s lovely that you miss her.’
I look her in the eye. ‘Alex, you’ll be great. I just know it. The main thing is that you stay in school, go to college, keep your options open.’
She smiles. ‘You sound like my dad.’
Who, at least, is minted. I see, suddenly, how that’s going to help. ‘Alex. You can do all that. Just hire a nanny to help you during the day. And a nurse for night feeds. You’ll have loads of help. It’s not going to be like those girls on Sixteen and Pregnant.’
She shivers and I think, maybe I shouldn’t have brought that up.
‘And David loves you,’ Rachel says.
‘Yeah. He loves me,’ Alex says, like she’s reminding herself.
Next day is Sunday. We don’t hear anything. On Monday, Alex isn’t in school. We don’t worry. They haven’t seen each other in months. And they have a crisis on their hands.
‘God, I hope they’re OK,’ I say to Rache.
‘They’ll be fine.’
‘Yeah.’
‘Let me know if she texts you.’
‘You too.’
‘OK,’ I say, but know that if Alex texts anyone, it’ll be Rachel.
After school, Shane has news.
‘I’m thinking about going home.’
‘Wow! You should. Definitely.’
‘We went out yesterday for lunch. It was good. Then we went home for a while. They’ve started work on the house anyway.’
Go them, I think. I smile. ‘Then you’ve no excuse.’
He looks at me for a long time. ‘You know, Sarah, if it wasn’t for you, I’d still be at that window.’
‘No you wouldn’t.’
‘I’d never have gone outside. Or back on Facebook. Or hooked up with my mates.’ He looks at me and smiles. ‘You make me want to do the right thing.’
It’s the other way around. ‘You make me do the right thing. Not steal. End it with Simon. See my father again. Study.’
‘I’m going back to school,’ he says. ‘Thanks to you, I’m going to do my Leaving Cert.’
I don’t understand. Why waste time (something so precious to him) studying for something he’ll never need?
‘You’re going to do your Leaving?’
He becomes suddenly passionate. ‘I want to achieve something, Sarah. You were right, my brain still works and it’s going to stay working. I’m going to get tired. I’m going to get weak, lose power. And when that happens, I want to be good at something. I’m never going to be an architect. But I can get my Leaving Cert. Sarah, I want to do everything I can do – until the end. I want to live till I die.’
I’m afraid to look at him. In case he sees it. How I feel about him. I seriously, seriously want to kiss him now, just grab his face and snog him to death.
‘I don’t suppose I could hug you without you getting the wrong idea?’ I ask.
‘I guess we could try it.’ He smiles, teasingly.
It’s awkward trying to reach him. He leans forward. I stoop and lean in.
But then we’re holding each other and time stops. I close my eyes. Feel his cheek next to mine, feel his arms around me, feel him breathe. I want to stay like this forever. But I pull away before he gets any ideas.
‘How was that?’ I ask sarcastically.
‘That was great.’ He smiles.
Then it hits me. If he moves home, goes back to school, I might never see him again.
‘What’s up?’ he asks.
‘What? Nothing.’
‘Doesn’t look like nothing.’
I shrug. ‘We’ll miss you at Bingo, I guess.’
‘Yeah but we’ll still hook up, right? Out there.’ His face changes, becomes uncertain. ‘If you like. Or maybe you wouldn’t like . . .’ He says it as if he’s just realising that I mightn’t want to go on seeing him.
‘No, no. I’d like. I’d definitely like.’
His face relaxes into a smile. ‘Phew. For a minute there, you had me worried.’
And I know, right then, that he is going to break my heart.
On Monday night, Alex calls wanting to meet up in the Jitter Mug after school next day.
‘So, it’ll be you, me, Rache, David and Mark,’ she says.
‘Like old times,’ I say, smiling. Because it’s such a good sign.
‘Like old times,’ she says, and I know she’s smiling.
Yaay, I think when I hang up.
They’re there when we arrive. They look happy, relaxed. Normal. Which is a major relief. We go over. David gets up. Gives everyone a hug. Mark gets a back slap with his.
‘It’s so good to see you guys!’ he says, sounding more American than usual.
We sit down.
‘How’re you all doing?’ he asks.
‘Great,’ Rachel says. ‘And you?’
‘Great.’
Everyone politely ignores the elephant in the room.
Rachel and I go up to get some smoothies.
‘Does Mark know?’ I ask quietly.
She nods. ‘Once David knew, I asked Alex if it’d be OK for me to tell Mark. I hate keeping stuff from him.’
I know how she feels. I hate keeping this from Shane. We get to the counter.
‘So the surfer dude is back,’ Louis says, looking over at the table.
‘Yup,’ I say lightly, aware of Rachel beside me.
‘Cool,’ he says, like it’s nothing to him.
We collect our drinks and go back to the others.
‘Is that your brother up there?’ David asks me.
‘Yup, that’s Louis.’ And I get that he likes Louis about as much as Louis likes him.
‘So,’ Mark says to David. ‘How hard is it to get into US universities?’
‘You want to come out?’ David asks, surprised.
‘I’m thinking about it,’ he says. ‘Like, why stay here in the rain when you could be over there, hanging out in the sun?’
Rachel is staring at him.
‘You’d be surprised how much you miss,’ David says, looking at Alex. She smiles and I think, Aw. ‘I can’t wait to come back for good,’ he adds.
‘When are you?’ Mark asks. Everyone goes quiet because that’s like asking are you moving home when the baby’s born?
David looks at Alex when he answers. ‘November.’ Then he puts an arm around her and pulls her to him. And I think how really lucky she is to have him.
It’s Thursday night and there’s no news from Alex. She had the scan today. I thought she’d have called. I ring Rache.
‘Have you heard anything?’
‘No. I didn’t want to call. Just in case.’
‘Should we text?’ I ask. ‘Just so she knows we’re thinking of her.’
‘Yeah. Good idea.’
When I hang up, I text Alex. ‘Hope scan went OK. Say hi to David.’ I sign off with the butterfly emote that Rachel, Alex and I always use – only with each other. It’s something we’ve been doing since, like, forever. It always makes us feel like all for one and one for all. And I don’t know why but I’ve a really strong feeling Alex needs us now.
She doesn’t text back.
When I’m going to bed at eleven, I call Rachel.
‘Any news?’
‘No.’
‘Maybe she’s tired.’
‘Yeah, maybe.’ But her voice isn’t confident. And neither am I. Something doesn’t feel right.
Friday, she’s not in school. But she hasn’t been in all week. So we tell each other there’s probably nothing to worry about. They’re making plans. Talking. But I am worried. She should have texted back by now.
Shane asks if I’m OK.
‘You se
em kind of stressed or something.’
I so want to tell him. But I promised Alex. ‘I’m fine.’
‘OK, sure.’ He knows there’s something I’m not telling him. And maybe that’s a good thing – for him to think I don’t feel close enough to share everything. ‘So,’ he says brightly, wheeling to one of the cupboards in his room. ‘How about giving me some highlights?’
‘What?’
‘Yeah, I bought a kit in the pharmacy.’ He holds up a box.
‘Are you serious? You want me to give you highlights?’
‘If you don’t mind. I don’t want to go to a hairdresser.’
I hadn’t thought of that. ‘Here, give us a look.’
He gives me the box. I check the instructions. Then start taking things out of the box. I always wanted a younger sister to try out stuff like this on. ‘Seems easy enough.’
‘So you’ll do it?’
‘Yeah, sure, why not? Should be fun.’
‘Great!’
I read the instructions again, check that I have everything. I put the plastic cap thingy on his head. It slips down over his forehead. I have to move it back up. The tips of my fingers brush against his skin. Oh God. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. I feel myself blush. I keep my eyes on what I’m doing, not daring to look at him. I go around the back to fix the cap there. And to catch my breath. I should have thought this through.
‘OK,’ I say brightly. ‘I just have to pull your hair through these tiny holes with this yoke.’ I hold up a gadget with a hook on the end.
He nods, says nothing.
I start to pull tiny clumps of hair through the holes in the cap.
‘Just so you know,’ I say. ‘You look ridiculous.’
‘It’ll be so worth it in the end, though,’ he says in this camp voice.
‘Keep your head still.’
I start at the side, work my way back, then round the other side. Then I’m at the front. I feel myself blush again. I feel his breath on my neck. I feel the heat between us. I feel him looking at me. I can’t look back.
‘So, thanks for coming to my salon,’ I say, lightly. ‘How did you hear about us?’
I feel him smile. ‘You’ve a great reputation.’
‘That’s good to know. Now, I’m just going to brush on this … gunk.’
‘Gunk?’
‘Bleachy stuff.’ I get the tiny brush they give you and start pasting the gunk on the hair I’ve pulled through. ‘Here goes.’ After a few minutes, it’s done. ‘OK, so now we wait.’
The Butterfly Novels Box Set: Contemporary YA Series (And By The Way; And For Your Information; And Actually) Page 43
