The Butterfly Novels Box Set: Contemporary YA Series (And By The Way; And For Your Information; And Actually)

by Denise Deegan

  ‘It better be,’ Alex says. She looks down at her tray like she’s wondering why she bothered getting anything.

  ‘Hey,’ Rachel says brightly. ‘Amy Gilmore’s face after the slap . . . ’

  Alex turns to me. ‘You realise you’re my hero, Sarah.’

  ‘Hey, you just gave me an excuse. I’ve been wanting to slap that ho for a very long time.’

  ‘You can’t keep slapping people, though,’ Alex says.

  ‘No. I should probably punch a few, maybe pull some hair. Vary it a bit, keep them on their toes.’

  We laugh.

  It’s like the whole canteen turns and stares. Like we’ve lost it.

  ‘I love you guys,’ Alex says, but her eyes well up. A tray lands down on the table.

  We all look up. It’s Mark.

  ‘Hey,’ he says, like it’s totally natural for him to sit here. Rachel’s face lights up like she’s falling in love all over again.

  He sits down. Then he looks at me.

  ‘Good slap,’ he says, the same way the guy in Legally Blonde says, ‘good snap’.

  We’re laughing again.

  After school, I’m dying to see Shane, but Rachel wants to go to the Jitter Mug. To make a statement. To let everyone know it’s business as usual. We are not intimidated. I text Shane to say I’ll be a bit late. It’s a while before he texts back, which isn’t like him.

  ‘Take ur time,’ he says, and a smiley face.

  We haven’t been to the Jitter Mug since the Simon incident. Now we walk in, heads high. Anyone who knows us is looking. And whispering. And sniggering. We walk up to the counter. We queue. Finally, we get to the top.

  Louis takes one look at Alex and goes white.

  ‘Hey,’ he says, without taking his eyes off Alex. She goes kind of red.

  I tell him what we want, to move it on. He seems to jolt back to reality.

  We get our drinks, find a table and sit.

  ‘Poor Louis,’ Alex says.

  ‘What do you mean poor Louis?’ Rachel says, crossly.

  ‘He looked like he was going to have a nervous breakdown.’

  I wonder if she really thinks it’s funny or if she’s just saying it to break the ice.

  I look up at the counter and wish he’d get over how he feels, just put it aside. And be there for her. In some small way. I sigh.

  ‘What?’ Rachel asks.

  ‘Nothing.’ If I told them he loved her, they wouldn’t believe me. And he would personally kill me.

  Luckily, Mike drops me to Shane’s so I’m not ridiculously late. I feel kind of wrecked from the early start this morning. Shane looks wrecked. He always tires as the day goes on. Today, though, he looks extra tired. I kiss him hello.

  ‘You OK?’

  ‘Yeah, yeah, grand. I might get into bed though. Colm will be in in a minute if that’s OK?’ Colm is his nurse.

  I smile. ‘Sure.’ I tell myself not to worry. Shane can be extra tired without it having to mean anything. Everything’s fine. His disease is not getting worse.

  While we wait for Colm, I tell him about my violent streak. He laughs.

  ‘Wish I’d been there to see it.’

  ‘Surprised you didn’t hear it from here.’

  He laughs again. ‘Remind me never to get on the wrong side of you.’

  ‘Never get on the wrong side of me.’

  There’s a knock on the door.

  I go out while Colm helps Shane into bed. Staying would just make him feel helpless. And Shane is so independent.

  As soon as Colm comes out, I go back in. I climb up on the bed beside Shane.

  ‘What are you doing out there?’ he asks.

  I smile, and slip under the quilt. We snuggle up together and chat. We do not plan to fall asleep.

  I’m woken by my phone.

  ‘Where are you?’ It’s Mum.

  I check my watch. It’s seven-thirty. ‘Oh God, sorry. I’m with Shane. I’m on my way.’

  ‘I’ll collect you. Dinner’s ready.’

  ‘You sure?’

  ‘Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.’

  ‘OK, thanks. I’ll start walking.’

  Shane’s still asleep. I kiss him goodbye and write him a note saying I’ll talk to him later on Facebook.

  ‘How’s Shane?’ Mum asks when I get in the car.

  ‘Tired.’

  And I wonder if it’s the way I said it, because she turns to me, her face serious, and asks, ‘Is that a bad sign?’

  ‘Just this time of day. Mum, do I really have to go to school?’ I ask, though I know the answer.

  She smiles. ‘Yes, you really have to go to school.’

  We drive in silence.

  ‘I’ve some news,’ she says after a while.

  I look at her. She seems happy.

  ‘I’ve got a new job.’

  ‘Really?’ I didn’t know she was looking for one.

  ‘One I always wanted. And talked myself out of.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘A promotion, office-based.’

  ‘I thought you liked working in the community.’

  ‘A certain person thought it more worthy.’ I know who she means and am glad she said it like that because it doesn’t sound like she’s blaming him. ‘But, actually, I can do more at this level, have more impact. And I’ll get paid more and work fewer hours.’

  ‘Wow. That’s great!’

  ‘I know. We can spend more time together.’

  And I think how amazing that would have been a few months ago. ‘Except that I’ll be at Shane’s most afternoons.’ Meaning all.

  She looks at me cautiously. ‘You sure you’re not spending too much time over there?’

  ‘No.’ I’m not spending half-enough.

  ‘You sure?’

  ‘Yeah, Mum, I’m sure.’

  ‘It’s going to be hard.’

  ‘Yeah, Mum, I know.’

  ‘All right.’ She takes a deep breath. Then looks at me. ‘OK, well, I’m here, all right? Anytime. You know that, don’t you?’

  I nod.

  ‘And from next week, I’ll be home by five.’

  ‘Thanks, Mum.’ I look at her. She’s not changing job for me, is she? She wanted that job. Definitely. She wouldn’t do something so big for me.

  After dinner, I go on Facebook. Oh God. Everyone’s talking about Alex. Not only on Facebook but on Twitter. Like it’s this great scandal. They know she can read what they’re writing. They know anyone can.

  There’s a knock on my door. I click out of Facebook. Look up. It’s Louis.

  ‘It’s everywhere,’ he says.

  ‘Yeah,’ I say, miserably.

  ‘How’s she doing?’

  I tell him about school.

  ‘Jesus.’

  Another knock at the door. We both look at it.

  Mum walks in. ‘Is Alex OK?’

  Even Mum’s noticed? ‘You should see the way people look at her, Mum.’

  She folds her arms. ‘It’s not going to be easy.’

  ‘Ever,’ I say.

  She looks at me. ‘I was wrong before, Sarah. I’m glad you’re standing by her. She needs her friends right now.’

  The door closes. Louis is gone.

  Mum looks after him. ‘It’s good you two are spending more time together. Have you been on to your dad lately?’

  ‘I’ll give him a ring.’ I’ve been so busy with Shane, with Alex. I start to feel guilty. But then, he hasn’t exactly been calling me.

  Next day at school, Alex gets word that the principal wants to see her.

  ‘What for? My dad spoke to him. Even though I didn’t want him to. This is none of their business,’ she says, but looks worried.

  ‘You’re right. It’s not,’ Rachel says.

  We walk Alex to the office, grumbling about how unfair this is. We wait with her until she’s called in. Then we go back to class, still grumbling but really worrying about what’s happening behind that door.

 
When class is over, we hurry to our lockers. She’s there, waiting. We go straight up to her.

  ‘What did he say?’ I ask.

  ‘He was OK. Actually, he was pretty sweet. He wanted me to go see the school counsellor. I told him I was already seeing someone. He said that if anyone gives me a hard time to go straight to him.’

  ‘Does that include teachers?’ I ask.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Did you tell him about Tip Toes and some of the others?’

  ‘No. It might just make them worse.’

  Right, I think, if things get bad I’ll tell him.

  ‘Did I miss anything in Biology?’ she asks.

  I was so busy worrying about her I didn’t take anything in. I look at Rachel.

  ‘I’ll give you my notes if you like,’ Rachel says.

  ‘Great. Because I’m not going to fall behind.’ There’s that determined voice again.

  ‘Could I’ve a look at them too?’ I ask. Because maybe I’m feeling a little more determined too. Don’t want to slip back to the way I was.

  ‘Let’s go to the library at lunch. At least we’ll get some peace.’

  After school, we don’t hang around. Obviously. We’re almost at the school gates when I see Louis, leaning against the pillar. He straightens up and walks to us. Automatically, I think something’s wrong.

  ‘What are you doing here?’

  ‘Waiting for you … Well … all of you.’ He looks at Alex. Suddenly, it’s like we get it. Alex blushes. Then we all start walking in silence. Louis falls behind with Alex.

  ‘Here, can I carry that?’

  ‘It’s OK, thanks.’

  ‘OK.’

  Rachel and I walk a little ahead to give them privacy. But people start to stare, so, nervous of another scandal, we fall back again. I’m glad Louis is doing whatever he’s doing. I just wish he wasn’t doing it in full view of the entire school. At least she didn’t let him carry her bag.

  On the DART we sit together.

  ‘Aren’t you working today?’ Alex asks him, awkwardly. It’s so weird. I still can’t imagine them together. They’re just so unalike.

  ‘Not today,’ he says. And I wonder if he took it off especially for this.

  ‘Cool,’ she says.

  ‘I’m cutting back on my hours a bit. To study.’ He sounds so serious. For Louis.

  I was going to get the DART to Shane’s but I get off with Louis so – for all those watching – it looks like he came to school to collect me. We walk away from the DART in silence.

  ‘You think that went OK?’ he asks.

  ‘Depends what you were trying to do.’

  ‘I don’t know. Show some support. What with everyone giving her a hard time and that.’

  ‘Support’s great. But they’ll give her an even harder time if they see her hanging around with someone other than David.’

  He hits his forehead. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t think of that.’

  It’s the first time in my life I’ve experienced my brother lost.

  ‘It’ll be fine,’ I say. ‘I’ll just let on, tomorrow, there was some big family thing or something.’

  ‘It was a mistake. She didn’t want me there, did she?’

  ‘She was probably just thinking about the gossip. She has to go in there tomorrow.’

  ‘Jesus.’

  ‘You’ll find a way to be there for her. I know you will.’

  He doesn’t look so sure.

  When we get home, the car’s outside.

  ‘Could you run me over to Shane’s?’

  He makes a face.

  ‘Please.’

  ‘I’m going to have to teach you to drive.’

  ‘Oh my God. Yes. Definitely.’

  He smiles. ‘I’ll go get the keys.’

  Shane’s already in bed. He says it’s easier, rather than have Colm interrupt us later. I jump up on the bed beside him.

  ‘Want to play the cow game?’

  ‘Nah, I got a movie.’

  ‘OK, cool, but could we have just one game first? We haven’t played in ages.’

  He makes a face.

  ‘Come on.’

  ‘OK, just one.’

  I get out the controllers, hand him his. I set everything up, then we’re off. I go mad, like I always do, screaming when I do something stupid (most of the time) and shouting at the screen. I’m not the kind of person who can keep an eye on her opponent while she’s racing herself so when I win it’s a total shocker. He did terribly. I look at him.

  ‘You let me win.’

  ‘No, I didn’t. I swear.’

  ‘We have to do it again. And this time don’t let me win.’

  ‘Sarah, can we just watch the movie?’ He sounds tired. ‘I don’t feel like the Wii.’

  ‘What’s the movie?’

  ‘Precious.’

  ‘You’re not serious?’

  ‘No, I’m not.’ He smiles. ‘I know how much you love Precious. It’s Red. Peter says it’s great.’

  ‘Oh, yeah. Alex was going on about that.’

  We snuggle up together on the bed to watch it. And we’re not disappointed.

  ‘You remind me of Helen Mirren,’ he says when it’s over.

  ‘What? Helen Mirren is like sixty or something.’

  ‘Yeah and she’s still spunky. I bet you’ll be like that when you’re sixty.’

  And it must hit us both at the same time, that he won’t be with me, because we stop and stare at each other, then I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.

  At the weekend, I meet Dad in the same restaurant as last time.

  ‘Sorry I haven’t been in touch,’ he says. He looks at me like he’s dying to tell me something. ‘I’ve been writing a book.’ He says it like an announcement. Like he’s really pleased.

  ‘That’s great,’ I say, but I’m cautious. ‘What kind of book?’

  ‘Well, psychology.’

  ‘Not based on real life?’

  ‘Not really. Mostly it’s advice … With a few case histories.’

  ‘No shoplifting,’ I say, to be sure.

  ‘No shoplifting.’

  ‘Good.’ Then I think of something. ‘Are you allowed to talk about your patients? Like didn’t you take the Hippocratic oath or something?’

  ‘That’s for doctors.’

  ‘Yeah, I know, but people’s privacy—’

  ‘Will be protected. And I have their permission.’

  He’s tetchy. Like I couldn’t just be happy with his success, so I say, ‘I’m sure it’ll be great.’

  ‘Yeah.’ But he doesn’t sound so sure any more. ‘So how are you? Back at school?’

  He always knows how to cheer a person up. ‘It is September.’

  ‘Good, good. Any news?’ he asks.

  I wonder what he’d say if I told him my friend was pregnant and my boyfriend had a terminal illness. ‘Not much.’

  ‘How’s Louis?’

  Going to be a dad, I think. But say, ‘Grand.’

  ‘I really must give him a call.’

  ‘You know, if you’re busy, you could see us both together.’ I can’t keep the bitterness from my voice. What’s wrong with me? He’s my dad. The only one I have. I want to get on with him. I just can’t help feeling he hasn’t room for us any more. Or he’d have called.

  ‘I’m not busy,’ he says. ‘OK, well I have been. I got a bit carried away. With the book. But I’m here for you both, any time, you know that.’

  I look at him and try to pretend that his words don’t sound hollow.

  THIRTY-THREE | GO

  Shane’s not using his right hand. It sits on his lap while he reaches across with his left to work the controls on the wheelchair. I look at him, questioningly, telling myself it’s nothing. He’s just extra tired. Again. But he looks straight at me, his eyes telling me that it does mean something. I stop breathing.

  ‘I’ve known for a while,’ he says, and he looks so sad. ‘I’ve been hiding it. Even from
myself. I didn’t want to know.’

  Oh God. I think of the texts, so slow in coming back. I think of how tired he’s been. I think of the Wii. I guess I knew too. Just didn’t want to admit it.

  ‘I want you to go,’ he says. ‘Before it gets any worse.’

  I hold his eyes with mine. ‘You don’t know me very well if you think I’m going anywhere.’

  ‘Sarah. It’s creeping up. So fast. Faster than I thought.’

  What does this mean? How much time does he have? Do we have? I’m so afraid. But can’t let him see. If I let him see, it will be over.

  ‘It’s OK,’ I say. But it isn’t. What about everything he wants to do? What about us?

  ‘Sarah, please. I want you to go.’

  ‘No, you don’t. You’re just trying to protect me. But I don’t want to be protected. I love you. And I want to be with you till … I can’t be any more.’ My voice cracks because the thought of that breaks my heart. I get up suddenly.

  ‘Back in a sec,’ I say, brightly. And run.

  I race up the hall, then bend over and burst into tears. It’s so not fair. What did he ever do to anyone? Why couldn’t he have more time? I think of the Leaving Cert, the one thing he wanted to achieve.

  His mum comes out of the kitchen. Oh God.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I say. But I can’t stop crying.

  ‘Come here.’ She’s smiling.

  She puts her arms around me and holds me. Then we’re both crying.

  Then she laughs.

  ‘Look at the pair of us.’

  I try to smile but then I think of him hiding it from me. Hiding it from himself. And I’m crying again. Worse than ever.

  ‘Come on. What we need is a cup of tea.’ She puts an arm round me and walks me to the kitchen.

  I don’t even like tea. But I can’t go back to Shane. Not yet.

  Finally, I do go back. I kneel up on his chair. Look into his eyes. I take his right hand in mine. I kiss it, then put it to my face.

  ‘This is how I want to live,’ I say. ‘With you. That’s it.’

  ‘Sarah. You know how I’ll go.’

  ‘I’ve known that a long time and I’m still here.’

  ‘I’m going to be ugly. Useless.’

  Suddenly, I’m angry. ‘You know, Shane, strangers aren’t the only ones who think that this defines you. You do.’

  His eyes widen in surprise.