The Butterfly Novels Box Set: Contemporary YA Series (And By The Way; And For Your Information; And Actually)

by Denise Deegan

  ‘That Naomi’s got attitude.’

  ‘And great legs.’

  ‘Makes a change from Daisy. What a moan.’

  ‘Total nag.’

  Poor Rebecca. I hope she’s not reading this. I wonder if I should text that they’re a bunch of losers but decide that that would make it worse - her knowing that I’d read it.

  I hear someone pounding up the stairs. Mark sticks his head in. ‘What’re you up to?’ he asks, walking in.

  ‘Nothing. Just checking moan.ie.’

  He comes over. ‘You’re up here half an hour. There’s only so much cake a person can eat.’

  ‘Yeah, sorry.’

  He stands behind me, looking over my shoulder at the computer screen, just as one of the regulars, BatmanReturns, comes online.

  ‘Daisy might be a moan but that Rebecca French is one great actress.’

  Phew, I think. Everyone listens to BatmanReturns.

  Then he adds, ‘With even better legs.’

  ‘Why are you reading that crap?’ Mark asks.

  I turn. ‘I need to know what people are saying about me.’

  ‘It’s called moan.ie. They will eventually moan about you.’

  ‘Especially when I move in on someone else’s guy,’ I say.

  ‘They already know you two are going to get together and they still like you.’

  I think about the kiss. I have to tell him.

  ‘No,’ he continues.’ It’ll be about something else.’

  ‘You’re right,’ I say, depressed. I close the laptop. But immediately want to open it again. Instead, I grab my coat from the bed. ‘Let’s go.’

  We run downstairs.

  ‘Drive carefully,’ Mum calls from the kitchen.

  All the way up into the mountain, I’m thinking, Just tell him. But I keep finding an excuse to put it off. Don’t want to interrupt the soundtrack. Don’t want to interrupt the snogging. Don’t want to interrupt the soundtrack, again. Until we’re coming back into the city. If I don’t tell him today, it’ll just be weird.

  We stop at the lights. I take a deep breath. I look at him. And can’t do it.

  ‘What?’ he asks.

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘You know Naomi will have to kiss Joe eventually, right?’ Notice, I use the characters’ names.

  ‘Inevitable,’ he says calmly.

  It encourages me. ‘OK, well, we’re shooting that scene on Monday.’

  ‘Monday?’

  ‘It seems quick because of the gap between shooting and screening.’

  He says nothing.

  ‘I’m dreading it.’

  He looks at me and smiles for the first time. ‘Just pretend it’s me.’ He runs his tongue over his top lip and moans sexually.

  I laugh. ‘Stop. Jesus.’

  He goes quiet again. And for ages neither of us says anything.

  ‘What are you thinking?’ I ask finally.

  ‘If we cut up that road and onto the dual carriageway, it’d probably be quicker.’

  Not worried, then, I think. And collapse into the seat in relief.

  On Saturday, Alex wants to bring Maggie to the zoo. It’s Maggie’s first real outing and I feel like thanking the woman in the Jitter Mug for her general obnoxiousness.

  We wrap up warm. Possibly overwrap Maggie.

  We walk through the African Plains, Sarah pushing the pram.

  ‘Look at all the sky,’ Alex says, gazing up at it like someone who’s just been released from captivity. A lion roars, sounding like a giant clearing its throat. ‘I was hoping Louis’d come,’ Alex says.

  We both stare at her.

  ‘Yeah. I thought it’d be like a little family outing.’

  ‘Weren’t you just going to take it one day at a time?’ I ask.

  ‘I am,’ she says, looking a bit guilty.

  ‘Are you sure?’

  ‘Jesus, Rachel. I’m sure.’

  I put my hands up ‘OK. Just checking.’

  ‘I can’t believe you asked Louis,’ Sarah says. ‘Hanging out with my brother is not my idea of fun.’

  ‘God, sorry. I didn’t think,’ Alex says.

  I think about how Jack and I used to hang out together all the time and how natural that was. It wouldn’t be now. I guess that’s normal.

  Alex gets a text. She takes out her phone, smiles and looks up. ‘He’s found a lead singer!’

  ‘Better be the guy who looks like Kurt Cobain,’ Sarah says. ‘Here, text him.’

  ‘Does he look like Kurt Cobain?’ Alex reads as she texts.

  Seconds later, her phone goes again. She smiles. And reads. ‘“Well, he is skinny.”’

  So, Alex and Louis are texting each other now?

  Alex catches me looking. ‘So. Have you told Mark about the kiss, yet?’ she asks.

  ‘Yeah. He was fine about it. I don’t know what I was worried about.’

  ‘He wasn’t jealous?’ Sarah asks, like that’s weird.

  ‘No.’

  ‘Wow. Because Josh is so caliente.’

  ‘He’s not that caliente,’ I say.

  ‘He’s caliente enough to be jealous of.’

  Then I start to think, should Mark be jealous?

  ‘When are we doing the white water rafting?’ Sarah asks out of nowhere.

  I try to look keen. ‘I don’t mind.’

  ‘I googled it. They do it Palmerstown.’

  ‘Where’s Palmerstown?’

  ‘I don’t know. Somewhere in Dublin. On the Liffey.’

  ‘Cool.’

  ‘Maybe we could do it next Saturday,’ she says. ‘OK. Sure.’ Crap.

  ‘D’you mind if I don’t go?’ Alex asks. ‘I have motherly responsibilities.’

  When I get back from the zoo, Jack’s studying at the kitchen table. He moves around the house. If he stops concentrating in his bedroom, he moves to the kitchen. I remember what Sarah said about brothers. I look at him, bent over a book, his hair spiking up, and think, He’s more than a brother. I don’t care what Mum says about individuals.

  I sit opposite him with a glass of water.

  ‘I can’t believe you’re doing your Leaving Cert.’

  He looks up. ‘Believe it,’ he says glumly.

  ‘Do you know what’s really freaky? If I hadn’t stayed back, I’d be doing it too. I so wouldn’t be ready.’

  ‘Course you would.’

  I look down at the book open in front of him. ‘Is it going OK?’

  He shrugs. ‘I’m working. That’s a start, right?’

  ‘You were always the smart one.’

  ‘OK. That’s complete crap,’ he says like he’s genuinely annoyed.

  ‘Then why did I have to stay back?’ I ask simply.

  ‘Rache, I’m quicker, not smarter. And that’s just because of computer games.’

  ‘What are you talking about?’

  ‘If you don’t react quickly, you die. Makes you think fast. You’re just as smart as me. Just nowhere near as good-looking.’

  I laugh.

  But he looks suddenly serious. ‘You still believe them, don’t you?’

  ‘Who?’

  ‘Those losers who called you stupid.’

  ‘What? No!’

  ‘Then why do you work so hard?’

  ‘I don’t know. I just don’t want to fall behind.’

  ‘Rachel, there is no danger of you falling behind. You’re a straight-A student. Who still thinks she’s stupid.’

  ‘I don’t think I’m stupid.’ Just not good enough.

  He looks into my eyes and says, ‘You are good enough.’

  Sometimes I wish he was just a brother.

  EIGHT | Mouthwash

  On Monday morning, I head for Make-Up with a knot in my stomach. I so don’t want to do this scene. I’ve washed my teeth and gargled a half a bottle of mouthwash. Now I’m chewing gum. I bet he doesn’t give a damn. Oh, God, here he is, sauntering along the corridor on his way back from Make-Up
like he’s out for a morning stroll. He bursts into a smile when he sees me.

  ‘All set for later?’ he asks, like something’s hilarious.

  ‘All set,’ I say casually, as if I do these scenes every day, like breathing.

  ‘Maybe we should rehearse?’ His face is serious now and I can’t work out if he’s being professional or a dick.

  I think quickly. ‘Nah. It should look spontaneous.’

  ‘You’re right. Let’s make it spontaneous,’ he says, sounding like he means pornographic.

  ‘What, the kiss?’ Rebecca asks loudly, walking up to us. She turns to me. ‘You’ll be grand,’ she says. Then, she looks at Josh while saying, ‘He’s actually a pretty good kisser.’

  Josh looks at her and deadpans,‘I’m holding judgement on you.’

  She tips her head back and laughs. Then she stops as quickly as she started.

  ‘Oh, by the way. Newsflash, Josh. Rachel doesn’t think you’re hot.’

  He fakes horror. ‘No!’

  ‘It’s OK, Josh, loads of people fancy you,’ I say, looking at Rebecca so it’s clear she’s one of them. I may even be doing her a favour. ‘Anyway, I gotta get to Make-Up.’

  ‘See you later,’ he says to me, his words full of meaning.

  I close my eyes and shake my head, like he’s seriously sad.

  He laughs.

  They so better do this in one take.

  I sit in Make-Up, eyes closed, going over what just happened in my head. I can’t believe she said that. What was she thinking? Did she want to embarrass us? At least, now, he knows I don’t fancy him. Damien, who has been going on about the world’s best party towns, stops mid-sentence.

  ‘You’re very quiet,’ he says, like he’s just noticed.

  ‘Oh. Sorry.’ I open my eyes.

  ‘Something up?’

  I make a face. ‘I have a kissing scene.’

  ‘With Josh?’ he asks eagerly.

  I nod.

  ‘Ooh, lucky you.’

  ‘Why is everyone so keen to snog Josh?’ I ask quietly.

  ‘There’s this thing called sex appeal, Rachel?’

  Lost on me, I think. But just smile.

  I’m a professional. I can do this.

  ‘And action.’

  I am Naomi. And I’m in charge. This is my kiss. I stride up to Joe, take his face, roughly, in my hands and kiss him. With tongues. After a while, he pulls me to him. But I’m done with him. And push him away. He looks totally shocked and I don’t know if he’s acting or it’s for real. I smile, then turn and walk.

  ‘And cut.’

  It’s like waking up. Frank, the director, is coming over. This time, he really is going to kill me. Or worse, make us do it again.

  ‘Excellent. Excellent,’ he says. ‘Well done, you two.’

  ‘I doooon’t knoooow,’ Josh says. ‘Maybe we should go again. You know, just in case.’ He’s grinning.

  ‘Thanks, Josh, for your commitment. But we have it.’ It’s the first time I’ve seen Frank actually smile.

  He slaps me on the shoulder like I’m a good soldier, then walks off.

  ‘So that was spontaneous,’ Josh says, smiling. ‘Loved the little shove.’

  ‘Well, I was finished with you.’

  He laughs. ‘For now.’

  Back in the dressing room, Rebecca’s removing her make-up. When she sees me, she beams. Her teeth are so perfect, almost like one big uni-tooth.

  ‘Hey!’ she says, all friendly.

  ‘I can’t believe you said that to Josh.’

  She looks at me innocently. ‘What?’

  ‘You know what.’

  ‘That you don’t think he’s hot?’ She says it like it’s no big deal.

  ‘Yeah. It was so awkward. Why did you do that?’

  She shrugs. ‘So you guys could relax about the kiss.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘So, it was just business.’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘Did it work?’ she asks.

  ‘Actually, yeah,’ I say, surprised. I got her totally wrong.

  ‘So. Good kiss, then?’

  I smile. ‘You’re unbelievable.’

  ‘Wonder what they’ll think of it on moan.ie.’

  ‘You go on that too?’

  She grimaces. ‘I hate it. But I can’t help looking. It’s addictive.’

  ‘I know. Mark tries to talk me out of going on it.’

  ‘Yeah, but he’s not an actor, is he?’

  ‘Exactly!’

  ‘So, you still don’t think Josh is caliente?’

  Oh, my God. She’s using ‘caliente’. Only Sarah, Alex and I use ‘caliente’. Where did she get it? Then I remember - Facebook.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ she asks.

  What can I say, Don’t use ‘caliente’?

  ‘Nothing.’

  ‘So. Caliente or not caliente?’

  ‘Not hot.’

  ‘Good,’ she says, ‘because he’s mine.’ Then she laughs at her own joke.

  ‘What’s Mark’s mum’s name?’ Mum asks when I get in. She’s bought herself lilies and there’s a candle lighting. Which usually means good news.

  ‘Grace,’ I say. ‘Why?’

  ‘And she’s a diplomat?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Wow.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘She’s just asked me to cater for her.’

  ‘Oh, my God, seriously? Mark never said.’

  ‘Maybe he doesn’t know. It could just be a coincidence.’

  ‘What’s the job?’

  ‘Dinner for sixteen, Saturday night.’

  Easy for Mum but because she hasn’t had work in ages I ask, ‘D’you want a hand?’

  ‘I should be OK, thanks. I have Jessica.’ A woman she calls when she has an event. ‘I’m so excited. If this goes well, there’ll be more work. Diplomats are always entertaining.’

  It’s so good to see Mum excited. I go up to my room and call Mark.

  ‘Did you know your mum has asked mine to cater for her on Saturday?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Well she did. What a coincidence.’

  ‘Maybe not that much of a coincidence. I brought her home some of your mum’s cookies. And happened to mention she was in catering.’

  ‘That’s so sweet.’

  ‘Rachel, we get the leftovers.’

  I laugh. ‘Thanks, Marcus.’ I use his Latin name when I think he’s being particularly amazing.

  ‘I like your mum.’

  ‘Yeah, well, she likes you.’

  ‘I know.’ He laughs.

  ‘You’re unbelievable,’ I say.

  ‘I know,’ he says, like it was a compliment.

  Much later, after my homework’s done, I get into bed and go on Facebook. I usually love this time, last thing, when I can just chill with Alex and Sarah, maybe post something on Maggie’s page. Since I’ve started getting to bed so late, though, they’re often not online. And since my first scene was aired, there are all these friend requests from people I don’t know. Tonight, there’s one from Béibhinn Keane. I can’t believe she thinks I’d accept. Does she think I’ve no memory? Doesn’t she get that I want her to rot in hell and as soon as possible? I close my laptop and reach for Uggs, the face of calm.

  Even if I wasn’t watching D4, I’d know what episode was going out by the questions people were asking at school.

  ‘Is there definitely no cure?’ Peter Sweetnam asks at the lockers the next morning.

  I smile. ‘No.’

  ‘That’s terrible,’ he says. I don’t know if he’s concerned for Naomi or the fact that my part will come to an end. I don’t ask.

  ‘But will she get together with Joe before she dies?’ asks Amy, who’s not supposed to be watching the programme.

  ‘That’s classified,’ I say to annoy her.

  ‘She definitely will,’ Peter says. ‘I’d put money on it.’

  Orla Tempany comes over, then - even though she and Amy
hate each other. ‘Speaking of money, how much d’you get?’

  I turn to put my bag in the locker and get out my books for our first class. ‘Not much,’ I mumble.

  ‘How much, though?’

  ‘Less than you think,’ I say, closing my locker and starting to walk.

  I widen my eyes at Mark. He closes his locker and walks with me. Ever since D4 has gone out on air, it’s like he’s become invisible to people. They see us together, they talk to me. It’s like he’s stopped being interesting. I hate it.

  Out in the corridor, he makes his hands into little fists and shakes them like he’s excited. ‘Oh, my God. I’m going out with a celebrity.’

  ‘Shut up.’

  ‘Can I’ve your autograph?’

  ‘Not funny.’

  We walk down the corridor together. ‘How about a photo?’

  I hit him. ‘Feck off.’

  ‘By the way. How much do you get paid?’

  ‘Three hundred a day.’

  ‘Three hundred euro?’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Not bad. What are you going to do with it?’

  ‘I don’t know. Depends how long they keep me on. Maybe a cheap second-hand car. With loads of personality.’

  ‘What about Millie?’

  ‘Millie’s your car.’

  ‘Millie’s our car.’

  I smile, relieved he thinks like that too.

  Once you appear on TV, people think they can come up to you and ask you anything. The canteen is the worst. Total strangers just sit beside us and start shooting questions at me, killing whatever conversation we were having and ignoring Sarah and Alex. Most want to know what’s going to happen and don’t believe me when I tell them I don’t know. Some like to give their expert opinion on what has happened, like they could write the tele-script in the morning and make it better. Today, we watch a First Year go back to her friends like she’s got the inside scoop. All I told her was that I share a dressing room with Rebecca.

  Sarah turns to me, ‘What are you doing about all your friend requests on Facebook?’

  I grimace. There are hundreds now. ‘I don’t know. I don’t want to seem stuck up. But I don’t know these people.’

  ‘You should do a fan page,’ Alex says.

  ‘People could post anything, though.’