The Butterfly Novels Box Set: Contemporary YA Series (And By The Way; And For Your Information; And Actually)

by Denise Deegan

  ‘You should go into school like that on Monday,’ he says. ‘Just go in and say nothing.’

  ‘Yeah, right.’

  ‘No. It’d be hilarious. Just to see how long before someone actually says something.’

  ‘About a second, Mark.’

  ‘You’re right. We shouldn’t make it so obvious. Just take them right out to the side.’

  ‘We’re not doing it, Mark.’

  ‘Come on. It’d be a laugh.’

  ‘You do it.’

  ‘OK!’

  ‘I’m messing.’

  ‘I’m not. Here, do it on me.’

  ‘No.’

  ‘Come on.’

  I smile and pick up the eye pencil. ‘Go, lie down.’

  He does - with such enthusiasm you’d swear he was getting a massage.

  ‘It tickles,’ he says.

  ‘Don’t move. I’m trying to keep a straight line, here.’

  When I’ve finished, he gets up. We go look in the mirror. And laugh. He picks me up, carries me back to the bed and drops me onto it. Then he climbs over me, so that he’s kneeling a leg on either side of me. He licks his fingers and starts to rub my fake eyebrows out. I look up into his eyes. It hits me how lost I’d be without him.

  On Sunday, when Sarah shows up at Alex’s, Rebecca’s with her. She stayed the night at Sarah’s. Now she’s here. And I don’t know if she senses I’m pissed off about that because she looks at the others and says, ‘So did you hear about the IFTA?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s amazing,’ Sarah says, smiling at me.

  ‘I know,’ Rebecca says. ‘I’m so proud of her. She is so good for a beginner.’

  I look at Sarah and Alex. But they don’t hear what I hear. They hear, ‘so good’. I hear ‘for a beginner’. And that is the difference between someone who’s been bullied and someone who hasn’t. I know I’m too sensitive. Still, I hate this. I hate that she’s in my life again. And I hate myself for being jealous of her with my friends. I’m not this kind of person.

  Later, Rebecca leaves with Sarah.

  I know I should be rushing back to study. But I can’t.

  ‘What do you think of Rebecca?’ I ask Alex.

  ‘She seems nice,’ she jokes.

  I smile. ‘Seriously though.’

  She thinks about it for a while. ‘She’s kind of like Sarah, isn’t she? Makes sense they get on.’

  I nod. ‘Sarah told her about Shane.’

  ‘Seriously?’ She looks at me. ‘It’s good she’s talking. I was worried about her.’

  ‘So was I,’ I say, surprised.

  ‘It was like she was blocking it or something, you know?’ Alex says. ‘It’s great she has Rebecca.’

  ‘Yeah.’ She’s right of course.

  ‘Your new pal sent me a friend request,’ Jack says, appearing in my room on Sunday night.

  I don’t believe it. ‘Did you accept it?’

  ‘You really think I’m that dumb?’

  ‘She’s got the hots for you Jack,’ I say, trying to make a joke of it.

  ‘You know what I should do? Go out with her, then dump her. Show her what it’s like to be treated like shit.’

  Jack might be tempted but he’d never do it. Even to Rebecca.

  ‘Are you still hanging out with her?’

  I grimace. ‘It’s kind of spiralling out of control.’

  ‘If I was you, I’d unspiral it.’

  I nod but I can’t do that to Sarah. My tummy rumbles. Loudly.

  ‘Jesus,’ he says.

  I laugh. ‘Impressive, right?’

  ‘Scary. Anyway, better go study. Roll on summer.’ He goes back to his room.

  I run downstairs for a glass of water to kill the hunger pangs. I’m knocking it down when Mum comes into the kitchen.

  ‘Have you lost weight?’ she asks.

  ‘No.’

  ‘You’re not on a diet, are you?’

  ‘No,’ I say, filling the glass again.

  ‘Because you don’t need to be.’

  ‘I know.’ I start to leave.

  ‘Is everything OK?’

  ‘Yeah, fine.’

  ‘You’re still enjoying D4?’

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘And everyone’s treating you well?’ She means Rebecca.

  ‘Yup.’

  ‘Nervous about the IFTA?’

  ‘A bit,’ I say so she thinks that’s why I’m not eating.

  ‘We must get you a dress.’

  ‘It’s OK. Marsha’s making me one.’

  ‘Marsha, Alex’s dad’s stylist?’

  ‘Girlfriend now.’

  ‘She made Sarah’s wedding dress?’

  I nod.

  ‘That was amazing. How much does she charge?’

  ‘Nothing.’

  We have this long discussion about why we need to pay for the dress.

  ‘It’s red carpet publicity for Marsha,’ I say.

  ‘You better give me her number. They’re the IFTAs, not the Oscars.’

  Why, all of a sudden, is everyone driving me mad?

  ‘Have you seen moan.ie?’ Rebecca asks, next day in the dressing room.

  ‘I don’t look at it any more,’ I say.

  ‘Why?’

  ‘No reason. You’re better off.’

  They’ve said something about me, I know.

  She goes into the bathroom. Immediately, I open my laptop.

  ‘You could start a fire with her, she’s that wooden.’ It’s BatmanReturns’ latest comment on my acting.

  ‘Every house should have a Rachel Dunne. It’d be like having a fire-lighter,’ from someone called LittleDevil. Funny guy.

  ‘She’s more plastic than wooden.’

  ‘Thanks, Sionara, whoever you are,’ I say, aloud.

  I don’t hear Rebecca come back from the bathroom until she’s right beside me. ‘They’re completely wrong, by the way. You’re a great actress.’ She looks over my shoulder. ‘It’s just a pity it’s BatmanReturns. Everyone listens to him.’

  I know, I think. But say nothing.

  ‘And everyone tries to impress him with their comments,’ she says. ‘It’s sick.’

  It’s the one thing we’re together on. Our hate for moan.ie.

  She leans forward and closes my laptop. ‘Screw them. What’s your scene today?’

  ‘Naomi starting to get sick.’

  ‘Could I watch?’

  ‘Sure. If you want to.’

  ‘Cool! I just have to go to Make-Up. Wait for me, yeah?’

  I’m not due on for about half an hour. ‘OK.’

  Forty minutes later, I’m called on set. I text Rebecca. She doesn’t answer. I hold on for another few minutes. But then the cast manager calls and tells me to ‘move my ass’. I run.

  Even so, I’m holding up the scene.

  ‘Sorry,’ I say to him.

  ‘Don’t go all Lindsay Lohan on me now that you’re up for an IFTA.’

  Christ. He’s serious.

  ‘Sorry.’

  I’m so stressed, it’s hard to get into Naomi’s head. But then I just use my own worry and frustration. When we’re finished, I go up to the cast manager.

  ‘Sorry, for earlier.’

  He winks. ‘You made up for it.’

  I’m annoyed with myself for waiting for her.

  When I get back to the dressing room, she’s typing away on the new Apple laptop she got for Christmas.

  ‘Where were you?’ I ask.

  She jumps. ‘Jesus. You scared the shit out of me.’ She closes the laptop.

  ‘I held up the scene waiting for you.’

  ‘That was dumb.’

  I just look at her.

  She shrugs. ‘Yeah I was talking to Damien and didn’t realise the time. Soz.’

  Soz? That’s it?

  I go to the bathroom to change, my mind racing. There was a time when she’d have done it on purpose, made me late. They used to trick me all the time. Tell me I’d been called to the principa
l’s office when I hadn’t. Give me the wrong homework when I’d missed class. Invite me to parties that weren’t happening. Tricking me was their running joke until I began to suspect everything they did and said. But I can’t think like that. I can’t go back to that - reading stuff into everything a person says or does. I’ll go crazy. I have to believe her. She just got carried away with Damien. It could happen. Easily.

  When I’ve changed, I take a deep breath and go back out. My script for next week is lying on my dressing table. Rebecca is reading hers. I pick up mine and start to read. I sink into my chair. I can’t believe it.

  ‘So what’s happening with Naomi?’ Rebecca asks cheerfully.

  ‘She starts to bully her sister.’

  ‘Let’s see.’

  I pass it over.

  ‘That’s rough,’ she says. And I don’t know whether she means for the sister. Or for me.

  I spend the night awake. Naomi is not a bully. She’s angry and sad and wild. But not mean. They’re ruining her character and the story. How can I act it?

  First thing the next morning, I bump into Emily in the corridor. The words are out before I know it.

  ‘Why does Naomi start bullying her sister?’

  She frowns. ‘Why do you ask?’

  Oh God, I’m questioning the story. No one questions the story. I try to explain.

  ‘She’s not a mean person. She’s messed up. She’s angry. But she’s not mean.’

  Still frowning, she nods.

  ‘It’s complicated. Which makes it good.’ She smiles. And I almost collapse in relief. ‘Firstly, Naomi’s jealous of her sister, Mel. She gets to live. She gets to have a healthy relationship with their parents. Two things Naomi doesn’t have. But. Naomi also loves Mel and doesn’t want her to drop out like she’s done herself. It’s tough love, a kick in the ass, if you will. She wants to push Mel so hard that she fights back, becomes stronger, more determined, so she’ll survive when Naomi’s no longer there.’

  ‘That’s so good.’

  ‘Of course, none of this will be clear at first.’

  ‘So people will think she’s just a bully?’

  ‘It increases the drama. Don’t you think?’

  I nod. ‘I do. I really do.’

  She smiles.

  ‘Thanks so much, Emily.’

  ‘No,’ Emily says. ‘Thank you, for being concerned enough about the story to ask. I was in your shoes once. I know the courage that took.’

  I smile. She’s just so amazing.

  Rebecca walks by, looking like she’s dying to know what’s up.

  Emily taps my shoulder. ‘Keep up the good work.’ Then she’s gone.

  I’m so happy. It makes total sense now. I can do it.

  ‘What was that about?’ Rebecca asks, when we get back to the dressing room.

  ‘I just asked Emily why Naomi has to be a bully.’

  ‘You did not.’

  ‘I did.’

  ‘Are you mad?’

  ‘Probably.’ If I’d thought about it for one second, I’d never have done it.

  ‘What did she say?’

  I tell her.

  ‘Wow. She’s not as scary as I thought.’

  FIFTEEN | Flab

  It’s eight-thirty on Saturday morning and Mike, Alex’s dad’s driver, is taking us to a drop zone. Sarah and Rebecca are skydiving. Alex and myself - and Maggie - are doing the cheerleader thing. Alex’s idea.

  ‘Did I really mean it when I said I wanted to skydive?’ Sarah asks as we drive along.

  ‘You’ll be grand,’ Rebecca says. ‘We’ll have jumping buddies.’

  ‘Jumping buddies?’ Alex asks.

  ‘Experienced skydivers who jump attached to you.’

  ‘Yeah. That made me feel safe when I was booking it. Now I’m not so sure,’ Sarah says.

  ‘You don’t have to go,’ I say.

  ‘Yes you do,’ Rebecca says.

  They laugh.

  ‘You sure you guys don’t want to try it?’ Rebecca asks myself and Alex.

  ‘Yup, sure,’ we say together.

  When we get to the hangar, they change into orange jumpsuits covered in straps and harnesses. They frown in concentration when getting instructions from the pretty hot instructor guy. Then they all put on leather helmets and goggles. Next thing I know, they’re waving us goodbye and walking towards a plane.

  ‘Is that it?’ I ask Alex. ‘Don’t they need, like, more instruction or something? They’re jumping out of a plane.’

  ‘They’ll be grand. The buddies will do all the work. All they have to do is scream and not wet themselves.’

  Outside, there’s the noise of an engine starting up. We go to the door and watch the plane take off. We stand in silence, staring as it gets higher and higher. I look at Alex. ‘Should they be going above the clouds?’

  ‘That’s what I was thinking,’ she says. Then the plane is gone.

  I try not to think about things like parachutes not opening.

  ‘He doesn’t fancy me,’ Alex says out of nowhere. ‘He doesn’t even see me.’

  I look at her. ‘I thought you weren’t going there, Ali.’

  ‘I can’t help it.’

  ‘Do you want to go out with him?’

  ‘No. Yes. I don’t know. Maybe I just want him to like me back, you know?’

  ‘That’s OK.’

  ‘No, it’s not. It’s dumb. Because he doesn’t look at me like he used to. He doesn’t talk to me like he used to. He doesn’t think of me like he used to. It’s because I’m a mum, a boring frumpy mum.’

  ‘Oh, my God, you’re so not frumpy. You are so good looking, Alex. Seriously.’

  ‘For a mum.’

  ‘You’re better looking than you ever were.’

  ‘Yeah, right.’

  ‘Maybe you don’t see it, but you have this softness about you that you never had before.’

  ‘You mean flab.’

  I laugh. ‘After Yuri, there is no flab. I mean, softness - it’s in your eyes. Especially when you look at Maggie. It’s like you’ve become this really loving person.’

  ‘Boring person.’

  ‘Loving.’

  ‘Boring.’

  ‘You talk yourself down one more time and I will kill you. It will be painful. There will be blood.’

  She smiles.

  'Are you ready to actually go out with someone?’ I ask.

  She looks at me for a long time. Then shakes her head.

  I put an arm around her. ‘Well then.’

  ‘I think I hear a plane.’

  We look up.

  Nothing but cloud.

  After a few minutes, though, a parachute comes through.

  ‘There!’ I point.

  It looks like a jellyfish.

  ‘There’s the other one.’

  They look so peaceful and silent as they glide, swaying from side to side. Still, I bite my knuckles till the first two land on their bums. The buddy gets up, says something, then unhooks and starts to roll up the chute. Sarah or Rebecca, whoever it is, stays sitting on the grass like they’re in shock. The second couple lands.

  ‘Phew,’ Alex says.

  I want to run out, but we were told to stay here.

  The second person gets up, takes off the helmet and shakes her hair. It’s Rebecca. She walks over to Sarah and sits on the grass beside her. They laugh. They stay there for ages, talking excitedly. Finally, they get up and start walking towards us. The closer they get, the more alive they look. When Sarah sees us, she runs to us and hugs us. Tightly.

  ‘Oh, my God that was amazing. You guys have to do it.’

  ‘Yeah,’ I say.

  She laughs. ‘I’m serious. It’s amazing.’

  ‘I’ll take your word for it.’

  She turns to Rebecca. ‘My legs are still shaking.’

  ‘Me too.’

  They get out of their gear, thank the buddies. The buddies give them their business cards. Walking back in the car, they’re b
uzzing.

  ‘I was freaking till the chute opened,’ Rebecca says.

  ‘Wasn’t it amazing then, though, so peaceful, when all the wind stopped.’

  ‘Did your buddy chat to you?’ Rebecca asks.

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Mine asked me out.’

  ‘Seriously?’ Sarah asks.

  And just when I’m thinking, Rebecca always has to get one better, she says, ‘He probably asks everyone out. I’d say he’s a total player.’

  ‘Hot, though,’ Sarah says. ‘Definitely hot.’

  They’ve filled the parts they were auditioning for. Emily makes the introductions the following Monday. Holly. Tom. Patrick. Holly and Tom look around fifteen. Patrick is more our age. The good thing about them is they look real, the kind of people you’d meet at school. When Emily calls to the dressing room to introduce them to myself and Rebecca they remind me how I was on my first day. Nervous. In awe. Green.

  ‘Wow. It’s so great to meet you,’ Holly says when Emily introduces us.

  ‘Congratulations, by the way,’ I say.

  Emily turns to me. ‘Rachel, Holly is going to be your kid sister.’

  Oh right! When the notices went up, I never imagined what parts they were going to be for. Now Naomi has a sister. And I have to bully her.

  ‘Sorry in advance for what I’m going to do to you,’ I say.

  She laughs politely.

  Emily takes them off to show them around.

  ‘No beauts,’ Rebecca says as soon as they’re gone.

  I’m so shocked, I laugh. One thing. It’s good not being the new kid any more.

  On set, I have to tell Mel, my onscreen sister, that she’s dumb, thick, stupid and retarded. My voice is weak, the words unconvincing. When I say them, I feel like the victim, not the bully. There are five retakes.

  ‘I was so bad,’ Holly says to me afterwards.

  ‘What makes you think it was you?’

  ‘I’m new,’ she says, like it’s obvious.

  ‘Everyone starts new. You won’t believe what I did on my first day.’ I tell her.

  ‘I saw that scene. It made me want this part. I love Naomi.’

  ‘Even now?’

  She shrugs. ‘I think she loves Mel underneath it all.’

  ‘You get that?’ I ask, surprised.

  She shrugs again. ‘It’s what I feel,’ she says simply.