xanth 40 - isis orb

by Anthony, Piers

  “That’s evasive.”

  “That’s curvaceous.”

  Zed laughed. “I’ll join the Quest.”

  “What, because I threw you a curve?”

  “I like your curves.”

  “I’m not sure I understand,” Hapless said.

  “Your motives are not straightforward. This intrigues me. I think I will like your company, even if I don’t get my wish, so it won’t be a waste of effort.”

  “Then let’s camp the night and set off again in the morning,” Hapless said.

  “No,” Feline said. “Let’s set off now, and camp the night on the path.”

  Oh. “Yes, of course.”

  “Did I miss something?” Zed asked.

  “An obscurity,” Feline said.

  “The paths are enchanted,” Hapless explained. “So we can camp on them safely. That makes it easier.”

  “Ah. This is sensible. Here there be dragons.”

  “Literally,” Feline agreed.

  “Well, figuratively at the moment. This has been my stamping ground for a few days, and it is clear of dragons and other threats. We’ll be safe until nightfall.”

  “Then let’s relax and get to know each other until then,” Hapless said, relieved.

  “There’s a little spring nearby, and a small plantation of pie plants. But there are brambles intervening. I can carry one of you there, as I know a safe route.”

  “Make that two of us,” Feline said, and changed to cat form.

  “Two,” Zed agreed, smiling.

  She jumped into Hapless’s arms. Then he mounted the centaur, carefully. “I have no experience riding anything,” he warned. “I may fall off.”

  “That would be awkward,” Zed said. “Fortunately I have a riding blanket.”

  “Blanket?”

  “You’re sitting on it. It will keep you in place.”

  Hapless looked. There was the blanket, striped to match the centaur’s stripes so that it wasn’t obvious. This was supposed to keep him on?

  “Meow,” Feline said from his shoulder.

  “Exactly,” Zed agreed. He stepped forward—and Hapless remained securely in place. The blanket was working!

  Soon the centaur was trotting through the brush, and Hapless was gaining confidence. This was a nice way to travel.

  They reached the spring, and Hapless dismounted. Feline jumped down and became human, her skirt flaring to show her legs almost to her panties. He suspected she had done it on purpose, and didn’t mind. He did like her curves, however that complicated their relationship.

  “You’re sure this is not a love spring?” Feline asked. “It’s pretty.”

  “Nor a healing spring,” Zed said. “Or Lethe. It’s just water. I checked it carefully. I’ve had enough mischief from love springs.”

  “Your parents met at one?” Feline asked as she harvested a hot pizza pie.

  “My father was a Mundane zebra who strayed into Xanth and was lost. My mother was unfamiliar with the area. Both were thirsty. You may interpolate the rest.”

  “We may what?” Feline asked.

  “Fill it in for ourselves,” Hapless said.

  “Oh, yes. The way it was with my parents.”

  “We do seem to have that in common,” Zed agreed.

  “New subject,” Feline said. “Do you play a musical instrument, Zed?”

  “No.”

  “There’s something I want to find out about Hapless’s talent. When he conjured me a kit—that’s a small violin—I played it better than I had any right to. I’m wondering whether it would be similar for you.”

  “I’m sure I would make a mockery of any instrument I attempted. I have no experience.”

  “But have you ever dreamed of one, foolishly? In your most secret imagination?”

  “Are you trying to embarrass me?”

  “Not at all, Zed. This could be the opposite. I think Hapless’s talent has ramifications we hardly comprehend, and if we only understood it better, we might succeed in finding the instrument he can play. No one else needs to know about this experiment. Please?” She smiled winningly.

  Hapless was impressed. She was charming the centaur, who did have a human component and surely appreciated her curves.

  “When I attended centaur school,” Zed said, “There was a class on music and its instruments. There was a passing reference to the saxophone, a mundane instrument invented in their year 1840 by one Adolphe Sax, a single reed hybrid of the clarinet and oboe with a mellow tone. There was something about that description ‘hybrid’ that appealed to me. The lowest commonly made is the subcontrabass, rarely seen today. I thought it might be fun to play such a rare and special instrument, but of course I never mentioned it, let alone thought to attempt it, already being laughing stock enough.”

  Feline turned to Hapless, lifting a curvy eyebrow.

  Hapless had never heard of the instrument described, but the centaur’s description was more than sufficient for his talent. He focused, and one appeared in his hands. It was large and looked phenomenally complicated, with keys and levers galore and a huge curved bell. Overall it resembled an extremely fancy letter S.

  “Try playing it, Hapless,” Feline said.

  He put the mouthpiece to his mouth and his hands on the keys. He blew.

  An awful noise sounded. Both Feline and Zed winced. This was definitely not his instrument.

  “Now you, Zed,” Feline said. “Surely you can’t do worse than that.”

  “I am not at all sure of that,” the centaur said. But he took the saxophone and lifted it to his face, his hands on its convoluted body. He blew.

  A lovely full-bodied note emerged.

  All three of them paused, surprised.

  “I think you can play it,” Feline said.

  “I think it was a fluke.” But he tried again.

  This time a marvelously evocative melody came. It was absolutely beautiful.

  “Oh, let me join you!” Feline said.

  Hapless conjured a kit for her, and she joined in, making it a duet. Now the beauty was compounded. It was perfect harmony.

  They came to the end of the refrain and paused, awed. “I never dreamed of that!” Zed said. “This has to be a magic instrument, because I’m sure I have no such talent.”

  “Mine too,” Feline agreed. “Now it is confirmed: Hapless summons magically playable instruments. For anyone but himself. They fade away after a day, but he can re-conjure them.”

  “I hardly believe this, but I like it,” the centaur said. “Let’s play some more.”

  “Gladly.” They resumed their serenade of the glade.

  Hapless didn’t want to spoil their enjoyment, but he was sick at heart. If only he could find an instrument for himself! His talent was teasing him horrendously, showing him what others could do while denying it for him.

  He walked away, depressed. All he could hope was that somehow in the course of this Quest he would at last find his instrument. The Good Magician had promised as much, but he still did not really believe it. Bleep!

  Then the music went sour and stopped. He turned to look back. The two were staring at their instruments. What had happened?

  Hapless hurried back. “What—”

  “It stopped,” Feline said. “Suddenly neither of us could play.”

  “Why should that be? You both were doing so well. Try it again.”

  They tried it again, tentatively. The music was lovely.

  “It must have been a fluke,” Hapless said, relieved for them.

  “I am not sure of that,” Zed said. “Our ability faded when you departed. We should verify that.”

  They verified it. When Hapless got beyond a certain distance, the ability ceased. They could play well only in his presence.

  “Now we have gained further comprehension of your talent,” Zed said. “Not only can you conjure instruments, you make them play well.”

  “But then I should be able to play one myself!” Hapless protested.
>
  “Surely so. We merely have to find which one is right for you.”

  They left it at that. There was at least hope amidst the frustration.

  Chapter 5:

  Nya

  When evening came, Hapless brought out the box and opened it. Inside was a picture of, well, he wasn’t sure, with the word NYA.

  The others looked. “Crossbreed,” Feline said. “Like a winged serpent.”

  “Female,” Zed said. “With lovely face, arms, breasts.”

  “But a dragon’s tail,” Hapless said. “A dragon/woman crossbreed?”

  “Dragon/naga, maybe,” Zed said. “Nagas are already human/serpent crossbreeds. The dragon could provide the wings and tail.”

  “Nya Naga,” Feline suggested. “No panties.”

  But plenty else to attract the wandering male eye. “This should be interesting,” Hapless said.

  “So unglue your eyeballs and shut the box.”

  Hapless smiled. “Are you jealous of her attributes?”

  “Of course I am. But with luck she’ll be able to change to full serpent mode so it won’t be a problem.”

  Problem? Hapless exchanged a look with Zed as he shut the box. She thought the view of a bare human female torso was a problem? Best not to argue the case.

  The path had appeared when the box opened. “We’ll follow it tomorrow,” Hapless said.

  “It is interesting to see it from the other end,” Zed said.

  They made a blanket tent, and Feline curled up in cat form. Zed simply stood, not needing to get off his feet to rest.

  “Why hello, handsome stallion.”

  Hapless woke with a start. So did Feline. She assumed girl-form beside him in the darkness. “Beware,” she whispered.

  Then they looked out and saw in the near darkness that it was a lovely lady centaur with zebra stripes, that even crossed her provocative bare bosom. She was beckoning Zed.

  “Who are you?” the centaur asked. “A demoness?”

  “No, I’m C Duce the cemoness. Come to me and I’ll give you such a thrill. I collect—”

  “Don’t do it!” Hapless called. “It’s a trap!” Because obviously this was a demoness, whatever she called herself.

  “Surely so,” Zed agreed. “The stripes give her away.”

  “Oh, fizz,” the mare swore. Then she changed to full woman form, gloriously nude. “Is this better, handsome man?”

  “Don’t answer her,” Feline hissed. “She wants to engage you in dialogue so you’ll forget she’s off the path.”

  And it would be folly to step off. Hapless didn’t answer.

  “What, cat got your tongue?” C Duce asked snidely.

  “Hey!” Feline said. Evidently the demon had seen her change.

  “Have you considered this?” the creature asked. Smoky panties appeared.

  Hapless managed to cover his eyes with a hand just in time, but Zed didn’t. The centaur stood frozen in place. “That won’t work,” Hapless said. “A freaked out person can’t step off the path.”

  “Fizz and clods!” the cemoness swore. Hapless mentally translated that to liquid and solid natural functions, and smiled. Those weren’t quite what she collected.

  Feline snapped her fingers near Zed. “Wake. You have no business freaking out over a fake human form.”

  “I apologize,” Zed said, recovering.

  “Stay out of this, cattail,” C Duce snapped.

  “Or you’ll what?” Feline demanded.

  “I’ll tear your fur out.” The centaur became a cat.

  “Oh, yeah?” Feline asked, stalking toward her as she changed form.

  “No!” Hapless cried, diving for her. “She’s trying to trick you into stepping off the path!” He picked her up, preventing her from crossing the line. “You can’t fight a demon.”

  She changed back, and he was embracing a disheveled woman. “You’re right. Thanks.” She kissed him.

  “Nauseating,” the cemoness groaned, changing to woman in underwear form.

  “Did I hear my name?” This time it was a ball of smoke on the path.

  “Oh, no, it’s Metria,” Hapless muttered.

  “Because she appears on the enchanted path,” Feline agreed. “Meaning she doesn’t wish us harm, annoying as she may be.”

  “Exactly. It’s a complication we hardly needed.”

  “Not necessarily.”

  “What are you two gesticulating about?” Metria demanded as her form formed.

  “Doing what about?” Feline asked as she disengaged from Hapless.

  “Intercommunicating, conferencing, discoursing, lecturing, confabulating—”

  “Talking?”

  “Whatever,” the demoness agreed irritably.

  “There’s a foreign demoness just off the path trying to mess us up,” Feline said. “She freaked out both males with her soiled panties.”

  “Soiled panties!” the off-path temptress shrieked. “I’ll have you know they’re genuine hot stuff!”

  “So it’s true,” Metria shrieked back. “You’re poaching on my territory!”

  “I begin to see where this is leading,” Hapless whispered appreciatively.

  “Your territory? My territory!” C Duce said indignantly. “This stupid path leads right through it.”

  “But the path itself is my territory,” Metria said. “So get your stinking tail out of here.”

  “Stinking tail?! I dare you to cross the line and say that.”

  “Oh, I will, you half-donkeyed freak!” Metria strode to the edge of the path and across it, sprouting claws. She had no concern about needing the path; it was just a convenience to her.

  Immediately the two were engaged in a hissing, scratching, hair-pulling, bra-snapping, panty-shredding fracas. The three on the path watched, amazed.

  “I don’t believe I have encountered that speech-impaired demoness before,” Zed murmured. “But she is intriguing.”

  “That’s Metria,” Hapless said. “She likes to mess in with interesting things. But she’s another panty-flasher.”

  “Oh?”

  “Polka dots with no cloth in the dots.”

  “That’s really intriguing.”

  “Note that she considers the enchanted path to be her territory,” Feline said, annoyed.

  “Because she has access to it,” Zed agreed.

  Meanwhile the fight continued. Now the demonesses had graduated to dragon forms and were breathing smoke and fire at each other. It seemed to be an even match.

  “Maybe we should move quietly on,” Hapless suggested.

  The others nodded. They left the little tent and walked on along the path, which ended behind them. The tent remained, and the battle, but all else was untrespassed wilderness. There was a faint glow marking the path, so they had no problem staying on it.

  “Please?”

  They paused. It was two children, about age 11, boy and girl, standing just off the path. She had bouncy curly hair, while his was straight.

  “What is it?” Feline asked.

  “Our name is Ari,” the girl said, flouncing her curls cutely. “My brother lost his voice, so he can’t talk; only I can understand him. We’re on a quest to find it.”

  “To find his voice? I’m not sure that’s something you can find by wandering through the forest. You should be home.”

  “Ari can’t go home without his voice. Mom would know we’d been playing where we shouldn’t. Then we’d both be in trouble, maybe even grounded. It’s right here somewhere. Please, will you help us look? It’s not safe to stay out here too long at night, and we’re frightened.”

  Feline looked at the others. “They’re children,” she said, and stepped across the line.

  “No, wait!” Hapless said, as usual too late. He looked at Zed. “I’ve got to help Feline.” Then he dropped his pack and stepped across too.

  The two children morphed into goblins. “Gotcha, fools,” they said together.

  “Oh, bleep!” Feline swore. “We fel
l for it.”

  “He wasn’t silent at all,” Hapless agreed, chagrined.

  “We’re taking you to the mound for the cook-pot,” the goblins said together. He had a club, while she had a coil of rope. They were closing in on either side.

  “That’s what you think,” Feline said. She became the cat, her claws extended.

  Hapless feared that wouldn’t be enough. He conjured a musical instrument: a trombone. Then he took it apart, taking a bone in each hand. It was a shame to ruin such a fine piece, but this was an emergency.

  Feline pounced on the girl goblin with a screech, tearing at her hair. Hapless swung at the boy goblin, left and right, conking him on the head, bonk bonk! Goblins’ heads were the hardest part of their bodies, so this didn’t really hurt him, but was effective as a demonstration. In only a moment and a half the two were fleeing, defeated. The surprise had been reversed.

  “We make a good team,” Feline said as she resumed girl-form, satisfied. “I’d kiss you, but you might bonk my head.”

  “I bonk only goblins. If he had continued to fight, I would have bonked his feet. That would have hurt him more.”

  “I don’t want my feet bonked either.” She lifted a foot, not quite high enough to show a panty, teasingly.

  They laughed together, then turned back to the path.

  It was gone. There was only untrammeled wilderness. “Uh-oh,” Hapless said.

  “It was more of a trap than we realized. Those goblins may have been simply decoys, setting us up for the real threat.”

  Indeed, now they heard a heavy tromping, as of an ogre approaching.

  “Here.” It was Zed’s voice, close by.

  They both jumped, startled. “I hear you, but I don’t see you,” Hapless said.

  “I’m standing beside your pack, at the end of the trail.”

  Hapless looked, but still saw nothing. Meanwhile the tromping was making the ground shake. “You must be invisible.”

  “I’m not,” the centaur reassured him. “I can see myself and you plainly. But perhaps I am shrouded by illusion. That should dissipate once you return to the path.”

  “How can we return to the path if we can’t see it?” Hapless demanded. The ogre came into sight. Twice the height of a man and broad in proportion, wielding a monstrous club. Mere trombones would not balk this beast!