Permanent Lines

by Ashley Wilcox

“Hello?”

  “Hey, Nova, it’s me, Merrick,” I greeted, trying to keep the pleasant, nonchalant tone in my voice, but let’s be real, telling someone that you’re not interesting because there’s someone else isn’t a fucking walk in the park. No matter if you’re a dude or not, breaking up with a girl or telling her it’s not working out fucking sucked, especially with chicks like Nova—there wasn’t really anything wrong with her, she just wasn’t Amelia, and right now, and how it’s always been, Amelia was who I wanted, who I needed. No one could compare to Amelia, even cool chicks like Nova.

  “Hey.” There was no mistaking the awkwardness in her tone. She wasn’t looking forward to this conversation anymore than I was.

  I needed to just let it out, tear it off like a BandAid. “Listen, I’m sorry about last night, I …”

  “You don’t need to explain anything, Merrick. I get it.”

  I sighed and ran my hand over my head. I guess Nova and I were more similar than I thought. The truth hurt and we were afraid to hear it, so we avoided it instead. She was doing exactly what I would’ve, defusing it, letting me out clean and avoiding the truth of the matter. She didn’t want to hear the explanation, didn’t want to be told why it wasn’t her I was interested in.

  “I’m sorry, Nova. Really I am. You’re really cool, it was just bad timing.”

  Dammit, I was sounding like a tool. I tilted my head back, disappointed with myself, but also antsy. My knee was jumping, wanting to just get on with it and go find Amelia.

  “Seriously, Merrick, I’ve got my own crap going on too. It would’ve never worked; we weren’t all in with this dating thing.”

  I looked at the phone with a little weight taken off my shoulders. It just wasn’t me with shit … baggage.

  “It’s always the exes,” I kidded, making her chuckle.

  “Always dropping shit on our parade,” she added.

  I smiled and nodded even though she couldn’t see me. She was dead on. Whenever I thought I was moving on from Amelia, something would happen, pushing me right back to the shit situation I was in before. Amelia shit on my parade more than once, but it still didn’t matter.

  “Yet we keep going back.”

  “Yup,” she exhaled, slightly laughing as she did, “and we love them until the end.”

  “Yup,” I agreed, “we definitely do.”

  By the time I finally walked out of my building, it was already after noon. I didn’t have a game plan, I was just going with my gut. Whatever I had to do to get Amelia, I was willing to do. I started walking to the only place I knew she might be, the art studio. I didn’t know if she would be there, but it was the only thing that came to mind.

  When I turned the corner where the building was, a rush of nervous excitement floored my body—the inside lights were on! There was a bell on the door! I wasn’t very observant last night, nor did I really want to be there, but the fuck I didn’t today. I never wanted to be in an art studio more than I did right then. There was no one around that I could see, but someone had to be there, so I just walked over to the pictures hanging on the wall and looked at them while I waited. Even if it wasn’t Amelia that was here, hopefully I would find out where she was. People that worked together knew a bit about one another, so I’d find out something—any information about her would be more than what I was currently working with.

  Apparently luck was on my side today, because seconds later Amelia walked up front from the back. Her expression was exactly what I was expecting, shocked, but what came next was something I wasn’t expecting. Fear.

  “Merrick!” she said in a low tone, worry filling her face as she looked around to see if anyone else could see her talking to me.

  Immediately my nerves shot up. Something was wrong and it wasn’t just me being there. There was more, and I needed to know what. Was she in trouble? Was she in danger? Was it just me she couldn’t be near or was it something bigger than that? I didn’t have a fucking clue, but part of me just wanted to scoop her up and run away with her regardless.

  “You’ve got to go! You can’t be here,” she continued, not allowing me to speak.

  “No!” I told her, not letting her push me towards the door anymore. I wasn’t losing her. I wouldn’t walk away.

  “Please, Merrick. Please, not here. Please go,” she pleaded, making my heart hurt.

  I could see it all play out in her eyes. She was scared. It wasn’t that she didn’t want me there, but that I couldn’t be there. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t want to go, but I could see it in her eyes. I had to go, but I wasn’t going to let her go. No, not this time. I wouldn’t leave before making plans of when I could see her again.

  “I need to see you, Amelia.” I let her keep guiding me towards the door. I would go, but not just yet. “Please.”

  She looked over her shoulder towards the door she’d just come from, the frightened look still alive and apparent on her face. I wanted to break from her hold and find out what was behind that door that made her so worried and scared. My heart was breaking in two watching her eyes shift, panicked, from me to the door. I needed to protect her. I hated that she looked scared. This wasn’t the Amelia that I knew, that I spent a weekend with. She didn’t have the smile on her face that made me weak. She wasn’t giggling like she did when I tickled her sides or made her laugh. There was something seriously wrong, and I needed to know what.

  “What’s going on?” I held both of her shoulders squared to me. “Tell me what’s wrong.”

  Tears filled her eyes as she swallowed back the knot that was visibly forming in her throat. She shook her head weakly. “You have to go.” Her voice was edged with emotion. “I’ll stop in the bar tonight. Just …”

  A tear fell down her cheek. I wiped it with my thumb, making her face nestle into my touch. I couldn’t help sighing.

  “Just not here,” she insisted, looking over her shoulder again and then back to me. “Please.”

  It took everything in me to agree, to not force through those doors and kill whatever motherfucker was back there. I had to trust her. What happened between us was still fresh; I couldn’t just be the Bavarian caveman that I apparently was. I wanted to bang on my chest and protect my woman, but I had to keep my control. It was apparent that I was a danger to Amelia while here, and putting her in danger was the last thing I ever wanted to do. So I agreed, leaning over and kissing her cheek first. I could feel her body go limp, making my hand find the bottom of her back to hold her close and supported.

  “I love you,” I whispered into her ear. I wasn’t planning on telling her that right then, but the words fell naturally off of my tongue. I needed her to know that I did, that I cared for her that much. Maybe it would ease her worry. “I’ll see you later.”

  When I stepped back, the tears were streaming down her face, making my exit even harder. I looked at her one last time, taking a step towards her instead of back. She shook her head, visually telling me that I couldn’t—I had to go. I felt like I might break down, fall to my knees, and cry at her feet. I was so afraid to leave her that it took everything in me to turn my back to her, to leave her … I didn’t know what was going on, but Amelia was a hardass. To see her in the way I was, pleading and tearful, was a red flag. I knew that I had to listen and trust her. I had to go. This time I had to leave her.

  When I got outside the door and stood on the sidewalk, I looked back one last time at the girl that would always hold my heart. She was still standing there watching, mouthing, “Thank you,” from the inside. The pain of leaving her was something I had never experienced, almost worse than when I woke up without her. I stood there a moment longer, but she turned and started for the door in the back. I saw her hands go up to her face, clearing the makeup from under her eyes, it looked like. She was pulling herself together before facing the music.

  The music that I knew nothing about.

  I may have made it out the door, but I couldn’t make it off the sidewalk. I stood there and watched, even aft
er she disappeared. I didn’t know what I was waiting for or expecting to see, but I stood there. Nothing could make me move at the moment. I’d pity the fucker that tried.

  The sun was beginning to drop when I decided I could go. No one came or went, the studio remaining empty (at least from my point of view) for the hours I stood there. My back ached and my head hurt from the constant clench of my jaw. None of it made sense to me, nor did having a studio that barely got any (none while I was standing there) customers during the day. Granted, it was a Monday and she held those painting classes at night, but I wouldn’t think that that would be enough money to keep a New York City business lucrative. I knew better than anyone else how much it cost for one to remain profitable or even afloat, for that matter. From the outside looking in, it didn’t make sense, but then again, not much with Amelia and I did.

  The last thing I wanted to do was run the bar, and seriously the only thing that made me turn the sign to “open” was the fact that Amelia said she would stop in tonight. It was the longest fucking night of my life. By midnight I made myself reason with the fact that she wasn’t coming, that I believed her when I shouldn’t have. I should’ve stayed. I shouldn’t have walked away from her earlier. I was beating myself up, pacing the length of the bar for the 17th time, scrubbing as I went, when the door opened and I saw her beautiful, captivating self.

  Like it always did when I saw her, my body froze. Every ounce of me was pulled into her direction. Not one thing or person in the bar existed. I didn’t even hear the music anymore. When it came to Amelia, she was the only person in the room. She stole it all. She stole everything that made me the person I was.

  But this Amelia, the one standing in front of me, wasn’t the same one I fell in love with. She looked scared, frightened to be here—like she was in an unfamiliar place she wasn’t at all comfortable being in. I couldn’t understand it. We spent an amazing night in this bar, we shared so many amazing memories that weekend that all began right here. It was our bar.

  I swallowed hard and snapped out of my trance, tossing down the rag that I was vigorously wiping the bar with. I closed the distance between us in long strides, but when we were toe to toe, I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to lift her up and hold her in my arms and never let her go. I didn’t care about being such a pussy. I loved her a dangerous fucking amount. It was something hard—violent—not normal to one’s system. I wanted to keep her.

  She spoke first, cutting off the turbulent thoughts consuming my brain. “I can’t stay that long.” Her voice was almost a whisper.

  I looked her over, trying to gather answers. Her appearance, scent, and everything physical was exactly how I remembered her, but her confidence, her stance, the way her body seemed weak, sad, and frightened—that wasn’t my Amelia. I searched for answers in my head of what could’ve changed, what could’ve happened while we were apart, because even with the little time we spent together, I knew that this wasn’t her—this wasn’t the person she truly was. How she was that weekend, the weekend that my life turned upside down, that was Amelia … that was her.

  “You’re scaring me,” I said with complete honesty. I was scared. It was something I wasn’t often or would ever openly admit to being, but seeing Amelia the way she was … I was scared shitless.

  She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I’m not good for you, Merrick. You need to understand that. I’ve got—”

  I pulled her into my chest, not listening to a damn thing more that she had to say. Fuck that! She wasn’t good for me … she was perfect. She was everything I had ever wanted. “Don’t even say that,” I told her, my face nestled into her hair. “I will never let you believe that’s true.”

  Her body collapsed in my arms. I could feel it trembling; she was crying. I held her tight, rubbing my hands along her back. There wasn’t a damn thing that would make me let her go—she wasn’t going anywhere ever again.

  She continued to cry for however long she wanted to. I was there for her just like I always would be; no matter how long we had been separated, we would always survive. We were cacti—what we had would never die.

  Old Man Rich and a few other regulars patted my shoulder before exiting. They had no clue who Amelia was or what had happened between us, but they knew damn well that it was time to go, and they did without hesitation or being asked, emptying the bar to just Amelia and I.

  I let her go for the second it took to turn the sign to “closed” and flip the lights off. I locked the door with a resounding click. There was no fucking way one more person was going to get in the way of my time with Amelia.

  When I returned to where she was standing, I picked her up off her feet, not saying a word. Her legs wrapped around my waist and her head rested on my shoulder. She was weak … limp. I would care for her. I would fix whatever was broken. I would rid whatever discomfort lay between us. I was done living without her. I was done worrying what went wrong, because being here, with Amelia in my arms, I knew damn well nothing went wrong. She loved me just as much as I loved her, but something was holding her back; something was keeping her from loving me the way she should, and I was going to figure that out. I was going to figure it out and get it the fuck out her life.

  Nothing would stand in my way.

  We lay facing each other in my bed, arms and legs intertwined, not speaking. I wanted her to feel the comfort being together provided. I wouldn’t talk until she was ready. I was perfectly fine just lying there, smelling her scent and running my fingers through her long, dark hair. Time stopped when I was with Amelia. Nothing else in the world mattered. Having her safe and by my side was all that I cared about at the moment, but then that sinking feeling came. Why couldn’t she be here? What would happen? Is someone following her? If I were to keep her here and safe forever, I needed to know what I was up against. I didn’t like to go in blind. I needed to know the battle I was about to fight.

  Her body must have sensed the change in mine, since all of a sudden I went stiff, enraged. She looked at me with a mix of confusion and fear, like something happened. I had a feeling she was always on alert. “What’s wrong?” she asked quietly.

  “I need to know, baby,” I said, stroking her cheek. “I need to know what’s kept you from me.”

  She closed her eyes and took another deep breath before running her hand through her hair like she was contemplating what to tell me or maybe where to start. I waited anxiously, my blood running with so many emotions I couldn’t keep up or begin to explain how I felt. I was just there … ready.

  She moved to a sitting position, her legs crossed Indian style. She exhaled before beginning. “I’m involved in some bad shit,” she started, looking at me with pain but honesty in her eyes.

  The information wasn’t a surprise. I knew whatever it was wouldn’t be stellar. I was prepared. I just needed to know the rest. I’d been through shit. Lived in shit. I was used to shit. Not many things in this world would shock me or intimidate me in any way. I wasn’t raised with a cookie cutter life. I fought for what I had and had some rough stories that got me to where I was today. I’d been around the block. I wasn’t scared. The only thing that scared me was losing Amelia again. Nothing would make me leave. Nothing could be bad enough to make me walk away. I was there. No matter what.

  “My boyfriend …”

  My heart sank. It was like the world below me dropped out from underneath my feet. I sat bolt upright. She had a fucking boyfriend? How could she have a boyfriend and love me at the same fucking time?

  “Not by choice!” she was quick to continue, noticing my blood begin to boil.

  My nerves settled slightly, but not much. “What does that even mean?” I asked, but not kindly. I wasn’t yelling or even accusing her of anything, but I wasn’t thrilled, that’s for damn sure, and had no clue what the fuck she was talking about.

  “At one point, I did,” she clarified. “I thought I loved him. I even thought he was the one,” she swallowed, “but then I found out what he was
into, his family secret, and how he made the money he did.”

  I didn’t respond, just watched her and listened.

  “At that point, by the time I found out, there was no way out. I wouldn’t be able to leave even if I wanted to. He controlled me.”

  “That’s impossible. You always have the choice to leave, Amelia. He had you brainwashed, babe.”

  Her eyes welled with tears as she shook her head. “No, not with Antonio,” she said.

  I could feel the unease in her words. She was scared; he was obviously a dangerous man. I could tell by the tone of her voice. I just didn’t know how dangerous or what it was that he was a part of.

  “Once you were involved,” she repeated, sighing, “once you knew, there was no getting out.”

  I rested my hand on her leg, rubbing it for comfort. “Tell me. What is he involved in?”

  She closed her eyes and exhaled again. She didn’t want to tell me. “Merrick,” she opened her eyes, looking at me through the pain, “I can’t let you get tangled up in this.” She shook her head. “It’s too dangerous. I won’t do that to you …” Her voice faded briefly. “I care too much about you.”

  Placing my hands on both sides of her face, I made her look at me. “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. I’m already involved. I’m already in. Being without you isn’t an option. I tried that—it didn’t work.”

  We stared at each other for only a moment before all control was lost. I couldn’t handle another second without my lips on hers. I sank into the kiss, into Amelia. She was perfection, flawless in my eyes, and she tasted just as fucking good as her body felt. Her hands felt amazing creeping up my back and underneath my shirt. Her skin touching mine was enough for me to lose my shit right then and there, but it’d been too long. I was savoring her. I was relishing this moment. It would go on forever; I would never let it end.

  By the time her hands gripped the back of my shoulders, I needed her below me. She sighed beneath my lips, already slowly resting her back down into the comfort of my bed. Her hands slid down my spine while one of mine rested by her head, the other traveling down her side, taking in the curves of her body. Our mouths separated while my hand worked with a mind of its own, slipping up under her shirt and cupping her breast below it. A low moan of pleasure escaped her mouth at the sensation, making me move my mouth to the side of her face, grazing it with my lips along the way. By the time I reached her ear, her body was already squirming below me, making my cock grow to full hardness, ready to be inside my baby again. But I couldn’t. Not yet.