A Charm of Finches

by Suanne Laqueur

  “Mm.” Jav’s eyes found Stef in the graphic novel section with Ari, their heads bent over a book. Even from afar, Jav could see they were engaged on a creative level. Their talk animated, hands drawing pictures in the air.

  “Te estás sonrojando,” Alex said.

  You’re blushing.

  Jav glanced at him, heat sweeping his face, mouth open. Then he laughed at his shoes. “Well…”

  Alex laughed too, giving Jav a little shove. “I’m happy for you. And jealous. But mostly happy.”

  “I’m happy and idiotic. Mostly idiotic. But he’s extremely patient.”

  “And it doesn’t suck looking at you being idiotic.”

  Jav smiled. “I miss you.”

  “I miss you too. But we’re where we’re supposed to be.”

  They were quiet a minute as their eyes held and all the teasing drained out of Alex’s gaze.

  “You and Val all right?” Jav asked.

  “We’re good.” Now Alex looked down at his feet. “I might even say we’re a little better than before.”

  “Something something, sword through the fire?”

  “That which does not make your wife kill you makes you get your shit together?”

  Jav laughed and looked off at Stef, who was in the reference section now, browsing encyclopedias and dictionaries. Making Jav remember younger days of elementary school, when he’d spend hours reading the dictionary. The hefty one his father had given him for his twelfth birthday, left behind when Jav left home. Whatever became of it?

  “I hope this is good,” Alex said slowly. “I really want this to be something good for you.”

  Jav took a deep breath. “Me too. At least not a disaster.”

  Alex’s smile unfolded, showing his dimples. “After me, you’re pre-disastered.”

  “Right?”

  “Excuse me,” Val said, appearing in the aisle. “You two aren’t allowed to be alone in the erotica section.”

  “I was just heading over into fantasy,” Jav said.

  “Sure you were.”

  Jav hugged them both. “Thanks for coming.”

  “Wouldn’t miss it,” Alex said.

  “We’re your family, dumbass,” Val said. “We’d do anything.”

  “I dig your in-laws,” Stef said on the subway uptown that night. “Is that the right term?”

  “Close enough. They’re easy to dig.”

  The doors slid open, a shuffle of humanity, an exchange of passengers. The doors slammed closed, the subway chimed and lurched forward.

  “I spent some time talking to Alex about animal-assisted therapy,” Stef said.

  “He’s got personal experience.”

  “So he said. It’s kind of hard to have a conversation with him.”

  A flutter of indignation across Jav’s mind. “How so?”

  “Because he can’t take his eyes off you.”

  “You think?”

  “Yeah. Quite the interesting dynamic. He watches you, and Val watches him watching you.”

  Jav opened his mouth and closed it, then dropped his hand on Stef’s knee, working a corduroy fold between his fingers. He looked around the subway car. No one looked at them. No one’s eyes slid away guiltily.

  Your average American family.

  “I don’t know if I’d have that kind of grace in the situation,” Stef said. “I mean, Val just chatting away as if you didn’t sleep with her husband.”

  “We didn’t sleep together.”

  Stef snorted. “You weren’t bowling.”

  Jav chuckled through the lower lip he was gnawing on. “Thanks for coming tonight.”

  “Wouldn’t miss it.”

  “I’ve been wanting you to meet Ari.”

  “He’s a great kid. I’m not just saying that. I’ve met a lot of kids and believe me, he’s a great one.”

  “Weird that I might’ve gone my whole life not knowing he was in the world. One bad step on a flight of stairs…”

  “You were meant to be in his life. And he’s lucky to have you.”

  “I am lucky, that’s for sure.”

  Stef extended his legs, ankles crossed. “How do you say finch in Spanish?”

  “Pinzón.”

  “You know what a group of finches is called?”

  “Un encanto de pinzónes.”

  “All answers must be in English.”

  “A charm.”

  Stef’s smile lit up like a surprise party. “Holy shit, I never met anyone who knew that.”

  “Want to hear a story about it?”

  “Sure.”

  “Alex knows all the group terms for animals. He—”

  “In snootier circles they’re called terms of venery,” Stef said. “Pardon my font of useless trivia. Go on.”

  Jav leaned in until his head rested on Stef’s. Their mouths touched once. Then again.

  “Alex and group terms?” Stef said. “Don’t try to distract me, Landes.”

  “We were talking once. This was last fall. After…everything. I told him I’d quit escorting and was giving love a chance. After losing Flip nearly destroyed me and loving Alex nearly destroyed him, I said, ‘Third time’s the charm, right?’ And he said, ‘A group of finches is called a charm.’”

  Stef looked him, patient and listening.

  “It was September eleventh, actually,” Jav said. “Not ten minutes after that conversation, I met you upstairs in Trelawney’s gallery. Not ten minutes after that, you took Client Privilege out of your bag and handed me your card. Steffen Finch.”

  “Jesus,” Stef said. “For real?”

  Jav nodded. “In a funny way, you gave Nine-Eleven back to me. Now it’s the day I found someone instead of the day I lost someone.”

  Stef touched Jav’s chin with a knuckle. “No wonder you came running after me.”

  “Well. I sat staring for a few seconds. Until Trelawney smacked me upside the head and said, ‘Fetch.’ Then I went running.”

  Stef chuckled. “For the record, I love this story.”

  Jav slouched so he could put his head on Stef’s shoulder. “Me too.”

  Stef laid Jav down with an agenda that night. He supposed jealousy had something to do with it. A need to show the Alexes of the world where Jav’s bread was buttered.

  He’s mine, motherfuckers.

  The ferocity of it surprised him. He’d never entertained such possessive thoughts with a woman. Never been greedy about sex or love or any aspect of human affinity. It was a sharp point of pride with him. Nobody could own your heart or stake a claim to your soul. Nobody could ever truly belong to you.

  Watching and listening to Jav speak tonight, Stef broke belong apart. As his eyes filled up with Jav’s handsomeness and his brain filled up with Jav’s talent, he played around with the dissected syllables, thinking, be-long to me? Be a long time to me? Long to be with me?

  During the post-signing crush, he slid Merriam-Webster off a shelf and looked up the etymology. Belong’s origin was Old English, from gelang, meaning “at hand” or “together with.”

  He rolled the word from one side of his mind to the other. He imagined it tattooed in simple letters on the back of his wrist.

  Gelang.

  At hand.

  He looked over the tops of shelves to see Jav and Alex talking. Both their smiles fragile, both looking more at their feet than each other. As if it were too dangerous to turn up to full wattage in each other’s company. Too risky to belong.

  Not too risky for me, Stef thought. His eyes and brain were filled. His body wanted it now. He’d take the risk.

  I want to be at hand.

  Be together with.

  Belong to each other.

  No one else.

  In bed now, he seized both their dials and
turned them up as high as they would go. He threw everything he had against the wall of Jav’s passion, leaning in a way he couldn’t with a woman and never had with a man. He crushed Jav into a writhing, sweaty, panting wreck. Then he reached long for the bedside table and got a condom.

  “That for me?” Jav said, his voice thick and hoarse with arousal.

  “Yeah.”

  Jav’s stared as his chest rose and fell twice. “You sure?”

  Stef nodded.

  Jav sat up. He moved onto his knees. His eyes shone a little wild in the dark as he tore the packet open. Stef couldn’t remember feeling more naked and alive in his life. So turned on and worked up, he felt slightly feverish.

  “I’m warning you, I may suck at this,” Jav said.

  “You know what you’re doing.”

  “I know I know what I’m doing,” Jav said, rolling the condom down. “I just don’t know if I’ll do it well.”

  “Tell me something you do know.”

  Jav’s hands dropped on his thighs, open and honest. “I know this is one of the best nights of my life.”

  “Then there’s no way it can suck.”

  “Turn over and watch.”

  Stef glanced up. “See? You do that part great.”

  Jav slid his palms along Stef’s neck and up into his hair. His kiss pulled Stef’s mouth apart. Then he whispered through it, “Turn over, Finch.”

  Feverish gave way to delirium as Stef rolled over and stretched out on his stomach. Jav’s hands slid down his back. His mouth kissed along the backbone, between inked wings, stopping at the centaur tattoo. The cool drip of lube and his hand slid between Stef’s legs.

  Stef’s fingers curled into the sheets. Then his toes. “You so know what you’re doing,” he said over his shoulder.

  Jav’s laugh curled around the dark as his fingers slid deep. “I watched porn and took some notes.”

  “Really?”

  Deeper. “No. I just watch you.”

  A little bit of burn then. Stef exhaled, making everything about him release instead of contract.

  “Easy,” Jav said, his breath shaking over Stef’s skin. “We got all night.”

  Stef closed his eyes and let himself sink down and open up. He pressed hard against soft sheets, letting the heat build in him.

  “Feel ready?”

  “Yeah.” Stef planted his hands and made to rock back but Jav held him down flat.

  “No, stay still,” he said. He nudged Stef’s leg over a hair, hands spreading wide on the small of Stef’s back. He pressed in. Pressed a little more. Stef reached back to guide him a little better. Jav pushed, breached that anxious ring of muscle with a small grunt and a long exhale.

  “God that’s tight,” he said hoarsely.

  “Mm,” Stef breathed. “Stop right there.”

  “Hurt?”

  “Shh.”

  It hurt. Not a violent agony but a checkpoint of discomfort that separated the mildly curious from the intensely committed. The pain was part of it. The pain was a thing to get beyond, because on its other side was a pleasure that defied description. A pleasure that couldn’t be without the foundation of pain.

  “All right?” Jav asked, his voice faint over the heartbeat in Stef’s ears.

  “Yeah. Come down here. Lean on me.”

  Jav’s palms sank into the mattress on either side of Stef’s body. “Jesus, it’s so tight.” He rested on his elbows, his head on Stef’s shoulder. Under the pillow their fingers twined.

  “God, Finch, you feel so good.”

  Stef rubbed his temple along Jav’s. “I’m glad we waited.”

  “Me too. Jesus, I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

  “You suck at it.”

  Jav’s laugh rippled against Stef’s face. Teeth closed around his ear. “Told you.”

  Stef’s chin fell, his head lolling from shoulder to shoulder. Jav was all up in him and Stef was on the other side of the pain.

  “You can move now,” he said. “I’m good.”

  Jav leaned off to one side, tilted Stef’s head back and kissed him. “You’re so fucking good.” His fingers tightened and his kiss pulled Stef apart a long dripping, delicious time while his body barely moved. Finally, he shifted over and laid his chest flat on Stef’s back. “Guess what?”

  “What?”

  “It’s been six minutes.”

  Stef laughed and curled a hand around the back of Jav’s neck. “What, it’s so bad, you’re watching the clock?”

  “No. You said once you could only do this for five minutes.” His feet wrapped around Stef’s shins and his hands slid beneath Stef’s body, spreading wide and taking ownership. “I just wanted to have you longer than any other guy has.”

  Everyone’s marking their territory tonight, Stef thought.

  “It already happened,” he said. “First time we ate breakfast together, you already had me longer than any other guy.” He teetered on a vulnerable edge before letting go and whispering, “Now I belong to you.”

  Jav pulled a sharp breath in. “Good.” His hips pulled back and then drove forward, bumping a cursed grunt out of Stef’s chest. Stef’s hands flailed through pillows and sheets, looking for anything to grab onto.

  “Because now,” Jav said at the back of Stef’s neck. “I…” His hand found Stef’s cock and squeezed. “Am going…” He reared back and slid deep, his knees pushing Stef apart. “To fuck your brains out…”

  He moved into Stef like he’d never known how not to. Fast, but not too fast. Hard, but not too hard. His skilled, patient thrusts hit the sweet spot and a current surged through Stef’s body, conducting through the soaking wet night. The world was aflood. Jav’s damp breath on his skin. The slippery slide of lube. The mist of sweat rising on both their bodies. The tidal wave of orgasm starting to pull back from the shore.

  “Want to see you come,” Jav said against Stef’s neck.

  Tiny yellow pinpricks dotted Stef’s vision. He was arched and open like a strung bow. Poised and aimed so tight he couldn’t even say he was about to fire.

  “Come, Stef. Fucking come for me.”

  Jav pushed hard, squeezed harder. Stef let out a garbled yell as the arrow released. He went rocketing forward first, tumbling and rolling, then was sucked back, crashing against Jav’s body behind him. Jav’s arm under him. Jav’s crazy babbling above him. Jav’s name, over and over in Stef’s mouth, huffing out with every exhale, like a sacred mantra, the password into the next life.

  Where have I been all my life?

  Where Jav been all my life…

  Too soon, the electric pleasure crackled away, leaving the burning ache behind. Jav was still coming, his voice twisting between a laughing roar and a sighed moan.

  “Shh,” Stef said, his hands sliding along Jav’s legs, slowing and stilling him. “Come down now. Come down.”

  “Holy shit,” Jav said through his teeth.

  “I know. Hold still. Don’t move anymore.”

  “You all right?”

  “I’m fantastic but you need to get out now. Nice and easy.”

  Jav moved back carefully, then pressed his forehead to Stef’s nape. “Christ, that was so fucking tight.” He took a few raggedy breaths, then got up to chuck the condom and get a bottle of water from the fridge.

  “Sure you’re all right?” he asked from the bedroom doorway, naked and beautiful and a little worried.

  And at hand, Stef thought. “Dude, I am all kinds of right.”

  They drained the bottle dry, untangled the sheets and covers and collapsed onto each other.

  “I gotta tell you,” Stef said. “This is some of the best sex I’ve ever had.”

  “Same here.”

  “Tell the truth.”

  Jav’s hand ran along Stef’s back. “You don’t
know… It’s… I’m me. I’m making my own love for the first time in my life. On the one hand I can’t believe the time I wasted.”

  “It wasn’t wasted.”

  “On the other hand, I guess it all meant I was supposed to end up here. With you.”

  A long staring moment.

  “I’m new at the game,” Jav said. “But I think I’m falling.”

  “Me too.”

  He touched Stef’s scarred eyebrow. “So this is what it feels like.”

  “Like falling down the stairs, but softer.”

  “Squishier.”

  “Told you that was the word.”

  “Mm.”

  Stef pushed fingers into Jav’s hair, tugging lightly, then letting go. “Remember you asked me once if I ever made love with a guy, and I said no?”

  Jav nodded.

  “I can’t say that anymore.”

  Geno spent winter break with Vern. His house in Berkeley Heights was large and comfortable, Geno could come and go as he pleased. Mostly he stayed put. Vern wasn’t married—his acute workaholism had resulted in two ex-wives—but he had a longtime companion named Marsha who came around and cooked. And ostensibly, slept over, but that was none of Geno’s business.

  Zoe came over one day to handle a difficult task Geno had been dreading. Together they went through their father’s clothes, and with Marsha’s advice and Vern’s input, they put aside suits, ties and shoes. Things Geno wanted to keep. Things Zoe insisted he keep.

  “This is a wool-cashmere overcoat,” she said. “It will last forever. And when I say forever, I mean you’ll give it to your son with plenty of wear left. Keep it or I will kill you.”

  She held a black, V-neck cashmere sweater against Geno’s chest and insisted he acquire it as well. “As Nina Garcia says, I recommend getting the black cashmere version of anything that comes in a black cashmere version.”

  The sweater was folded and laid aside, along with the coat, a Harris tweed jacket and Nathan’s tallis—the prayer shawl he’d worn at his bar mitzvah. In a small box in Nathan’s valet, Geno found a handsome gold chain with a star of David. He’d never seen Nathan wear it. He put it around his neck, feeling he had no right to. But Zoe smiled and said it looked good on him. It felt good. Cool on his skin at first, but then warming up, leaving only the sensation of weight. It grounded him. He never wanted to take it off.