A Charm of Finches

by Suanne Laqueur

  “What the fuck,” Jav said, down on his knees in the shrapnel on the floor. The room was getting crowded. The security guard came on the run, along with Juan and Corley, who’d been passing through the lobby when they heard the commotion. Their grim expressions stared at Jav, but if they wondered what he was doing here, they didn’t show it. Juan was especially pale, crossing himself and fiddling with the gold crucifix around his neck.

  “Nurses are on the way,” Kandice said. “Is he breathing all right? Was it a seizure?”

  “He’s breathing,” Stef said. “I’m not sure.”

  He turned his head then, and Jav saw the gash along his cheekbone and the blood starting to run.

  “You’re cut,” Jav said, reaching to catch the drops. Stef shied away and touched his face himself, then shrugged.

  “You all right?” Jav said, wiping his fingertips on his legs.

  Stef grunted, his jaw set hard, muscles twitching in his face.

  “The hell is all over the floor?” Corley said, crouching down and picking up screws.

  Geno made a choked, gagging noise.

  “Jav take his head,” Stef said. “Roll him on his side. Easy now.”

  Jav, right by Geno’s mouth, shuffled his knees back a little, braced for a projectile. The boy twitched, gave a weak, uneventful heave, then went still again. Another twitch. His eyes fluttered and opened. He blinked a few times at Jav’s kneecap, then slowly reached to touch the bloodstain there.

  “Corley,” Stef said quietly. “I need you and Juan to go, okay? Give him some space.”

  Corley left. Juan lingered, eyes wide. “Javi,” he said. “¿Cuidarás a mi hermanito?”

  Take care of our little brother?

  Jav looked up. “Sí, por supuesto.”

  Juan crossed himself, gave one last, worried look at Geno’s outstretched body on the rug, then left as well.

  “Jav.” His eyes on Geno, Stef put his palm against Jav’s shoulder and pushed. “Move back for me now.”

  Jav got up and moved toward the window. Shock wrapped around his nervous system and his eyes couldn’t leave Stef’s bloody cheek, but he grasped it was best to let Stef do his job.

  “Hey, bud,” Stef said. “You feel sick?”

  “No,” Geno said.

  “Think you can sit up?”

  “Yeah.”

  Stef took Geno’s arm and helped him up. “How’s that.”

  Geno pulled his arm free and slid away, putting his back against the desk. His gaze moved around the room. From Stef, to the security guard, to the field of hardware sprinkled across the floor. To Jav. Back to Stef for a moment. Then his eyes went far away.

  “Stay here,” Stef said. “Stay with me. Look at me.”

  “I thought…”

  The room went still as a painting. Jav held his breath and willed himself invisible.

  “I thought you were…” Geno’s head swung back and forth, mouth parted in confusion. “It was dark. And you were…” He looked at Jav and his index finger lifted. “He was… It looked like…”

  Kandice broke the spell with a forced, hearty laugh. “No, child, it was just the lovebirds.”

  Stef winced and Jav clenched his teeth as Geno’s eyes made another circuit around the room, wide and bewildered.

  “What?” he said.

  “Jav’s my partner,” Stef said. “We live together.”

  Geno glanced at Jav.

  Jav raised a palm. Hi, nice to meet you. Then, like the idiot he was, he blurted, “We were just fooling around.”

  Stef’s eyes swiveled, looking daggers at him. Kandice gave a nervous laugh and Jav thought about exiting quietly out the window. Thank God the nurses arrived, their energy taking further control of the situation.

  One knelt by Geno’s legs, taking his wrist in her fingers and looking at her watch, counting. “He lost consciousness?” she asked Stef.

  “All of thirty seconds maybe.”

  “Convulsions?”

  “No. Looked like a vasovagal syncope, which I’ve seen with him before.”

  She looked at Geno. “Honey, did you take something tonight?”

  Geno shrunk away from her eyes as he answered, “No.” His whole face trembled, as if he might cry.

  “It’s all right,” she said. “I’m not angry, you’re not in trouble. I just need to know.”

  “I didn’t take anything. I don’t have anything to take.”

  “All right. I don’t mean to accuse, it’s my job to ask. You’re going to come down to the infirmary so we can look you over a little more. Think you can stand up?”

  Geno got up, his expression inside-out with confusion, his gaze going between Jav and Stef and then far away again.

  “Come on now,” the nurse said. “You come with me. It’s all right.”

  Once he was gone, Stef gave a tremendous exhale and came off his knees. He rolled onto his butt and slumped back against the wall. The other nurse, quiet all this time, crouched by him.

  “Now let’s look at you,” she said. “How’d you get that cut?”

  “He threw something at my head,” Stef said. “Coffee can full of this shit.” He flicked a washer aside. “A screw or something must’ve nicked my face.”

  “I don’t think it’ll need to be stitched, but it’s a little more than a nick.” The nurse took his jaw in her hands, thumbs beneath his eyes. “Plus you are dilated to kingdom come, Finch.”

  Jav moved a little closer and saw indeed, Stef’s pupils had eclipsed all the blue of his irises. The nurse drew Stef’s head toward her and palpated at the base of his neck, moving up into his hair.

  “Shit,” Stef said. “Yeah, that’s where it hit.”

  She examined his scalp. “No blood. I’m surprised.”

  “Fuck, stop touching it.”

  “I’ll get you some ice packs. Then you’re going to want to get checked out by a doctor.”

  Stef made a non-committal noise as he got up, neither yes nor no. The nurse looked at Jav with raised eyebrows. Her mouth shaped a word. Hospital.

  Jav nodded.

  “Jesus, I hate Mondays,” Stef said.

  “It’s Tuesday,” Jav said.

  “Monday, Tuesday, whatever. C’mon. Let’s get that fucking steak I promised you.”

  Outside the warehouse, Jav stepped into the street, arm raised to hail a cab.

  “Where are we going?” Stef said. “Estelle’s is—”

  “We’re going to St. Vincent’s.”

  “I’m fine.”

  “You didn’t know what day it was. Get in.”

  “Jav.”

  Jav’s eyes pressed him hard. “If you ever want to get laid by me again, get in the fucking cab.”

  Stef rolled his eyes but he got in. Jav slammed the door, gave the destination and they both slumped against the seat, arms crossed, staring straight ahead.

  Finally Jav spoke. “My alternate threat was ‘Get in the cab or I’m moving out tonight.’”

  Stef glanced at him. “You’d go back and sleep with Roger?”

  “No. So I went with the getting laid thing.”

  “You know my weakness.”

  Jav unfolded an arm and dropped his hand on the seat between them, palm up. Stef blinked at it a few moments, then laid his on top. He drew a deep breath and sank a little lower into the leather. Fatigue swept over him, the kind that came at the end of an adrenaline rush. He realized his head ached bad. His cheekbone throbbed and the vision in that eye was beginning to narrow. A faint nausea touched the back of his throat and he swallowed hard, took another breath to tamp it down.

  “All right?” Jav said.

  “It’s hitting me.” He folded his fingers around Jav’s and squeezed. Jav’s thumb ran across his knuckles. Once. Twice. Then was still.

&nbs
p; “Almost there,” Jav said.

  Date night in the ER was seriously overrated. After a ninety-minute wait, the cheekbone was glued shut and butterfly-bandaged. The concussion assessment was satisfactory and they went home with some guidelines. “Rest. Fluids. Eat light. Severe headache or nausea, or any vomiting, come back in.”

  Stef was exhausted now. And hungry. Two things that made him impossible. Jav made a call to Lilia and when the men returned home, a pot of plain chicken broth and noodles was on their stove. Stef had a cup, took a hot shower and flopped on the couch in front of Planet Earth.

  “You want more of this?” Jav called from the kitchen.

  Stef’s stomach seemed amenable to the idea so he grunted. Jav sat down and held out the mug. Stef didn’t take it. Just opened his mouth to be fed.

  “Dude, no,” Jav said.

  Stef waited, arms crossed, eyes on the TV and mouth open. Being stubbornly pathetic and rather enjoying it.

  “Seriously,” Jav said, taking up a spoonful and feeding it to him.

  “You’re so my bitch.”

  “Shut up.” But he spooned Stef the whole cup without further comment, then settled back and reached out an arm. “Come here, you moron.”

  Stef pivoted on the couch and put his head in Jav’s lap. Jav scooched down low in the cushions, pulling Stef more on his chest. His hand ran slow through Stef’s hair. His heart beat slow in Stef’s ear.

  “Cold?” he said.

  “Little,” Stef said.

  Jav pulled the blanket down and spread it over Stef’s legs.

  “Sorry you didn’t get your steak,” Stef said.

  “Shh. Just rest.”

  Stef pressed his head closer, curling in the circle of Jav’s arms.

  “Don’t be stupid tonight,” Jav said. “You start to feel bad, you tell me. You wake me up.”

  “I will.”

  “Promise.”

  “I’ll wake you up and tell you.”

  Jav stroked his head. David Attenborough narrated. The room pulsed with a quiet energy.

  “I love you,” Stef said.

  “I know.” Jav pressed his mouth on Stef’s crown. Inhaled and exhaled. “And you scare me sometimes.”

  “Tell me what scares you.”

  “You’re tired.”

  “Tell me,” Stef said, raising his voice.

  “I’m not afraid of us breaking up,” Jav said. “I’m not afraid if we grow apart or come to an amicable but sad end. I can probably even deal with coming to a bitter end if it’s by choice. What I’m afraid of is something happening to you. Something beyond my control where all of a sudden, you’re gone and I had no choice in the matter.”

  “I’m not going—” The words cut off as Jav’s thumb pinned his mouth shut.

  “I know. Look, I know I’m jumping to worst-case scenarios. I know you can take care of yourself. I know you have a thousand professional skills to stay in control of that kind of situation. It was actually fucking amazing watching you work tonight. Amazing and terrifying.” He released his hold on Stef’s mouth and his hand turned soft again. “You’re good at what you do. But now that I’ve seen some of the potential hazards, I need you to be careful doing it. All right?”

  Stef nodded, inhaling against the bright, clean smell of Jav’s shirt, and the dimmer, richer scent of his skin.

  “Geno needs you,” Jav said. “But so do I.”

  “I know. I love my work, but coming home to you is now the most important job I have.”

  Jav’s arms squeezed, held tight a moment, then relaxed. “I’m thinking it might be better if I didn’t volunteer in the kitchen anymore. Or at least until you get all this sorted out.”

  “Yeah. I can see him needing distance from both of us. God, this week sucks and it’s only Tuesday.”

  Jav’s palm fell soft on Stef’s face, rasping against beard growth. “Right now’s not so bad.”

  “I’m fine,” Geno kept saying to the infirmary staff. “I’m fine, I just got upset. I was already anxious and seeing those guys triggered me.”

  Useful word, trigger. Both nurses and the doctor and even Frank Stein—who left the dinner table to call in—agreed that was what happened. They also agreed Geno should spend the night in the infirmary and be restricted to the facility for a week.

  “Great, so I’m being punished for something I couldn’t help,” Geno said.

  It’s for your safety, the consensus replied.

  Bullshit, he thought. He sat on the narrow bed in the tiny, sterile infirmary and hated everything. He wished he could head to EP’s fitness room, jump on a treadmill and run until his head exploded.

  I want to die, he thought. I mean it this time.

  What he really wanted was that coffee can full of hardware to sort out. But with it came the memory of the sound it made when it collided with Stef’s head.

  I could’ve killed him.

  What if he had? He’d be in fucking jail right now.

  That is, if Jav didn’t kill him first.

  Holy fuck, Jav and Stef.

  Crazy how I’ve never wanted something so bad.

  Groaning, Geno fell back and closed his eyes. He tried turning his head away, but the handwritten words of that fucking love note were etched on the insides of his eyelids. Because, like an idiot, he’d read them not once, but about twenty times.

  I’m going to kiss you until you’re limp. Lick you in places you didn’t know you wanted my tongue to touch.

  Geno pressed the heels of his hands to his burning face. He was an idiot. He’d memorized the words but it never occurred to him the handwriting didn’t match the other notebook entries. It wasn’t a note Jav wrote. It was a note he got. From Stef.

  “Jee-zus,” he said through his teeth. He’d touched himself to that shit. Fine, he didn’t get off on it because he was fucking defective in that regard. But he’d gotten hard and had a grand old time stroking himself to all those lewd, racy, intensely passionate and, now, undeniably gay words.

  Watching your face the whole time, I’ll slide into you.

  Geno’s head turned this way and that, trying to get away from into. He clenched up, remembering all the pain, all the indignity, all the mortifying exams. His own shit funneled to a bag strapped to his body because his asshole had been reamed for two days. Every enema. Every suppository. Every fucking gloved and lubed finger that had probed up his works.

  You need me in you.

  Don’t you, baby boy?

  He threw the thin pillow against the wall and sat up, violated to his core. His henhouse ransacked and pillaged. Furniture overturned, feathers floating from slashed pillows and ashes raked out from the hearth. Dirty footprints trampling on everything he’d worked so hard to build. Worst of all, the sleeping arrangements rearranged. Stav kicked out of the bedroom to sleep on the couch.

  Sorry, Little Ears. This house craves dick.

  “Son of a bitch,” he said. “How could you fucking do this to me?”

  What was he even talking about? What the hell was this jealousy flooding his guts as he stared at the closed door of the master suite. Wondering what they did in there. Wondering how they felt in there. Closed up together, alone and naked with all those words.

  Never wanted anyone the way I want you. Never felt this way with anyone else.

  The room swam wet. Geno ran the back of his hand roughly over his eyes, remembering crumpled notes he’d pulled out of Carlito’s jeans. Corny lines he thought were written by a girl. Rolling his eyes at the sappy sentiments while tasting the new and bitter knowledge he no longer had exclusive rights to his twin’s love.

  You’re the only one who knows me, Carlito wrote back to the A who wasn’t an Amy or Amanda or Andrea. You’re the only one who sees me.

  The words joined hands with Stef’s note and sidled up next
to Anthony’s voice. Geno hunched over, fingers clenched in his hair, pulling a silent scream out of his follicles.

  Crazy how I never wanted something so bad.

  Yeah, you want it. Can’t have only one twin be gay.

  You’re a whore just like your brother.

  Geno sniffed hard, swallowed harder through the swamp in his throat. Trust was heavy, but it was so fragile. When it slipped out of your hands, it shattered into delicate, sharp pieces that cut hard and deep.

  “It’s nothing to fucking cry about,” he said.

  Cry all you want, baby boy.

  He stood up and started pacing up and down the short length of the room. The anxiety was coming over the horizon and nothing could stop it.

  Except the wrath of Caan.

  His fists clenched as he mindfully ripped circuits out of anxiety and plugged them into anger.

  “Sick fucking faggots,” he said, his feet smashing his raging emotions into the linoleum, grinding them down until they were nothing he owned, but everyone else’s character flaw.

  He couldn’t believe he didn’t know Stef and Jav were gay.

  He stopped walking. Did anyone else know? Did Stav know?

  Did everyone know except him?

  “Child, it was just the lovebirds,” Kandice said, while Corley and Juan stared. Not at the lovebirds but at Geno. Like, What kind of clueless schmuck is this kid? Thinking Stef was trying to rape Jav? Stef of all people? What a moron. It was just the lovebirds.

  The Finches. Perched on the roof of the henhouse like they owned the place. Rubbing beaks, chortling and laughing because they loved each other more than they loved Geno.

  In his mind, he seized a rock and pegged it. A flurry of wings and feathers and they were gone.

  Good.

  He didn’t need them. He’d find another set of hands to hold his trust and the homo lovebirds could find somewhere else to butt-fuck each other to death.

  Not in my house.

  Not in this land.

  Stef stayed home two days. The first voluntarily, the second under duress.

  Friday he went in. Max was making up Wednesday’s lost session and Stef needed to project normalcy before the rumor-mill got a foothold.