Dear Valentine

by Romeo Alexander

  “Really?”

  “Yes. Not one of those large supermarkets, but a small corner store where everyone knows everyone else’s name. The trouble is, he never took the leap of faith to do it. And now look where it has him.” She mops at her face with her apron as she says this.

  “Well, it’s awful he got hurt, but maybe the one good thing to come of it is that when O’Duffy offers him the early retirement package, he might do it now,” I offer. She looks thoughtful for a moment, like she is mulling this over in her mind. Then she nods and stands up.

  “Maybe you’re right. I’ll have to tell him he should do that. Then your brothers can go to work for him.” I see the gleam in her eye. Like she’s figured out the plan and now she either has to nag, hound, beg, badger, cajole and possibly even blackmail, although she would never admit to it, and work my Dad into such a state that he opens the grocery store, just to shut her up.

  I smile as I turn to the cabinets and ask, “So what am I helping to make for dinner.”

  “You aren’t. Collene will. You left your friends alone in your room and that’s rude. It would have been fine with Katarina here, but poor Gregor must not know what to think of us.” She begins bustling around the kitchen. “Go tell him I’m sorry and keep him company.”

  I turn and walk back down the hall as Collene enters. There’s no use arguing with her now. She’s determined to cook herself into a frenzy until everything is better. No doubt, she has already decided which casserole to send up to Rose. The cookies would have been a pre-funeral feel better dish.

  When I get back upstairs, Gregor is stretched out on my bed with his eyes closed. His faded fedora hat that he likes to wear is resting on his chest, and I shut the door quietly and tiptoe to the futon. Before I can sit down, I feel his arm snake around my waist, and I throw my arms out as I stumble and fall, collapsing half on top of him onto the bed. He tucks me under his arm and kisses the top of my head as I lie there, frozen, while my brain catches up to my bodies response to jump up and run.

  “Easy,” he mumbles into my hair. “I don’t want anything. I just think you need a break. You’ve been running hard ever since the news broadcast, and you just need to let go and let someone else steer for a while. Get what I’m saying?”

  I do get it. He’s offering me a pass from the emotional confusion of being attracted to him. Without the dance at the forefront of my mind, there’s only two solids keeping me going. My family and my friends. With the family preoccupied and the other friend upstairs, all too soon I’d sit down like my Mum, and have nothing to face except the worry and anxiety that has been eating away at me since this afternoon.

  I relax into his arms and let my head rest on his chest. We’re crammed into my double bed, but we manage to both be on the mattress. Gregor’s hand under my body curls up and rubs my back and I close my eyes, finally able to let go and relax a little.

  “Thank you for being here,” I mumble into his chest.

  “Wouldn’t be anywhere else,” he states. “So, I get why there are no dance posters, but why the cities?” He asks a few minutes later as he glances around the room.

  “They are all the places I want to travel with the dance companies,” I admit.

  “Makes sense. Do you ever think you dance because you are trying to escape something? Maybe escape yourself or this city?” he asks nonchalantly. I wonder what exactly he is calling me out on.

  “Are you asking because you think I struggle with admitting that I’m gay?” I ask him.

  “No. I think you’ve probably already accepted that about yourself, but maybe you don’t fully embrace it. Like, you know you’re gay, but you have decided pursuing relationships isn’t a priority because it would be an inconvenience to you or your family.”

  I stare at him, shocked. “Are you seriously going to push this conversation now? After everything that has happened today?”

  “You misunderstand me, Colin. I’m not judging you, just asking a question. You show it by displaying the cities you want to escape to. I show it by auditioning for characters that completely take over my life and I get to pretend to be someone I’m not.”

  I fall silent for a moment, letting it sink in exactly what he is trying to say. Never had I once considered he struggled with his self-identity too. I’d always assumed he chose acting because that was what he was passionate about. I guess we had both been using our vocations as a way to hide. As I turn this over in my mind, he continues.

  “Looks like we both were looking for the musical to set us free, huh?” he smiles at me.

  “I guess so. I had thought, this piece was alternative, they will want someone who is different for it because it’s about showing that differences are ok,” I admit. He brings his far arm across his belly and cups my chin. As he tilts my head back, he brings his lips to mine and brushes them across my own. Somehow, the kiss is a testament that we finally have an understanding of one another on some level.

  It isn’t a hard kiss, and it isn’t fast, but it conveys a message and I am grateful for it and allow myself to be swallowed up in it, until Mum calls up a half an hour later that dinner is ready. We break it off and smile at each other as Katarina pokes her head in the door.

  “Come on guys, whatever Mum made smells delicious.” She grins at us as my face flushes red and Gregor gazes down at me under hooded eyes, but we get up and follow her downstairs.

  Chapter Fourteen

  The next few days of the holiday are spent visiting Dad in the hospital; he finally comes home the day after Christmas. I had busied myself when I wasn’t at the hospital with helping Mum with things like dusting and repainting the dining room, while Katarina looked after and played with Aiden.

  I had snuck the boxes of old magazines from my room downstairs to the dumpster, so that when Mum wasn’t home on trash day, she wouldn’t notice that they were gone. It ensured I could fit in my room the next time I came home.

  Gregor had been in and out, helping me with the small projects. He has remained respectful and not displaying affection when my family was around so that it wasn’t awkward for anyone, although they clearly had suspicions on their faces. Near the last day we were going to be staying before we head back to school, Gregor asks, “Would you like to come to my house to meet my family? My mom has been bugging me all week to have you over. She and my sisters have to go do a bachelorette party after, but she would love to get to know you.”

  “Sure.” I look at Katarina wondering why she doesn’t seem upset.

  “My parents decided to come to the city near school. They’re staying in a hotel but want to talk to me. I told them I would see them when I get back, but I’ve been putting it off all week. I’m headed back to school a day early though. They won’t leave until I see them.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want us to go with you?” I ask looking between her and Gregor. He doesn’t look upset, but he raises an eyebrow as if to say, “you going to bail on me?”

  “No, it’s ok. They will want to have this conversation in private, go with Gregor and have fun.”

  “Ok.” I pick up my bag and walk with them downstairs. I explain to Mum what our plan is and she fusses over us for a while, cramming bags of cookies into our bags and making sure we are all set for the next semester. I leave a plain white envelope with her tickets to the show on the island counter when she isn’t looking, and Gregor, Katarina, and I walk out the door to the busy street and hail a cab.

  We part ways when the cab drops us off in front of another apartment building. Katarina waves to us from the window of the cab as she is taken to the train station. I look up at the many windows of the building wondering which one his Mom’s apartment is on.

  I soon find out that they are on the top floor, and the elevator is broken.

  As we trudge up the stairs, I elbow him and joke, “it’s a good thing we are headed back to school tomorrow, all these stairs are showing me how only a week away can get me out of shape.”

  He grins at me a
nd in between floors, he turns and pulls me into him, planting a hard kiss on my lips. It’s possessive and leaves me breathless, the flush begins to crawl up my face. He continues up the stairs and I follow after him, panting from either exertion, or breathlessness from his kiss.

  When we finally hit the landing to the top floor, he pulls a key from his pocket and lets us into a pale blue hallway.

  “Mom, I’m home!” he calls.

  “In here!” she yells back.

  We walk into a red and gold decorated living room, and sitting around the t.v. is Janice and who I presume are Joey, Tanya, and Shea. Gregor makes the introductions, confirming my assumption, and I learn Shea is the taller of the two girls and Tanya is shorter and plumper. Joey looks a lot like Gregor, but both girls have attributes, nose shape and the angle of their face, that must be from their dad.

  “Hey, it’s so nice to finally meet you!” Shea jumps up and holds out her hand.

  “Thanks, you too.” I shake her hand.

  Joey stands up and shrugs his shoulders, holding out his fist. I give him an awkward fist bump and then he sits back down as Tanya steps up to give Gregor a hug.

  “Don’t mind the little twerp. He’s always like that,” she comments. Joey seems transfixed on the game show on t.v. and Gregor stoops to give his mom a hug.

  “Hi, Janice.” I give a little wave and she gets up, pulling me into a hug. She smells like cinnamon and flowers.

  “Hello, child. Gregor told me your daddy is going to be ok.”

  “Yeah, he came home a couple of days ago.” My voice is muffled in the crook of her arm, but she beckons us all in the kitchen. Their apartment is considerably smaller than ours, but it isn’t any less homey. The source of the cinnamon is a rack of cinnamon rolls cooling on the counter. She sets an extra place setting around the table and we all sit and dig into her dinner of spaghetti and meatballs. I feel bloated by the time I am done eating, and everyone bustles around the kitchen cleaning up. All through dinner Gregor and I fielded questions about the dance and school. They’d asked about what was going to happen with my dad and it all felt very strange to me that they were a family that was so open with one another. My family is very close but there are certain things that just aren’t talked about. That isn’t the case with the McCallum family. I learn this especially when Tanya says, “It’s so nice to meet you. We have all been so excited to meet Gregor’s new boyfriend, but he never comes home on the weekends anymore because of the musical.”

  The rest of the family glances between us as I flush and look at Gregor. I feel more embarrassed that I had introduced him to my family as a friend, and with knowing so little about me, they knew me as his boyfriend.

  “Tanya,” Gregor chides. “I told you not to be so blunt about stuff.”

  “You know how we are, Gregor. We just want to see you happy,” Janice pipes up.

  “I know, Mom.” He reaches above her and puts a stack of plates away. “It’s just that I told Colin we would go at a pace that he wants, and he doesn’t talk openly about this stuff yet,” he murmurs.

  The family glances at me and gives me a sympathetic smile, but Janice seems to have not heard her son. She looks at me when she says, “Now listen here. There’s some things a mother knows. And I always knew my baby was different and I taught him there’s nothing wrong with that. My kids have faced a lot growing up for having a white father, especially Gregor. Don’t you ever let anyone make you feel bad for being who you are, understand?”

  Her face is deadly serious, and I croak, “Yes, Ma’am.”

  “Alright then. Girls, load up in the van. Joey, if you want to be dropped off at Charlie’s house for the night, get your butt in the van too. And I better not catch you roaming in the park again, clear?”

  He shrugs, picks up his backpack and gives Gregor a hug. The fist bump this time is less awkward and then he is out the door with Janice chasing after him, the whole while nagging at him about sneaking out of the house. Tanya and Shea give us each a hug and Gregor walks them to the door, shutting it behind him. As he turns back he’s grinning as I stand in the middle of the kitchen holding onto the back of a chair.

  “So, alone at last,” he murmurs.

  “Yeah, looks that way,” I respond. We stand there in the kitchen, watching each other for a moment before I turn back to the sink. “We should finish helping your Mom with these dishes. You helped me paint the dining room.”

  I reach into the sink and begin scrubbing plates clean, rinsing them and placing them on the drying rack. I sense Gregor come up behind me, and I feel him brush against my side as he reaches around me and flips a switch on the radio that sits on the shelf.

  A low beat strums out of the radio and fills the kitchen. Gregor grabs a dish towel and casually takes a plate from the rack, drying it and putting it away. I scrub harder and faster as I feel my pulse quicken and my breathing becomes more rapid. I had meant to work through the dishes slowly and methodically, but all too soon, there are no more to wash and I’m left leaning over the kitchen sink, watching it drain.

  Gregor puts the last glass away in the cabinet and I feel him approach from behind. His arms circle my waist and I shiver as I feel his lips on the back of my neck.

  “You can’t avoid me forever,” he whispers, and I drop my chin to my chest. His lips brush across my skin and I brace my arms on either side of the sink on the counter as I feel him press up against me.

  “I’m not avoiding you. I’m just…”

  “Scared?” he whispers.

  “Umm, yeah maybe a little,” I admit.

  “I’m not going to hurt you. I keep telling you that, Colin,” he murmurs.

  I turn in his arms, so I can look at his face. His eyes have that spark in them that I have come to crave. It’s when I know he feels truly passionate about something, or someone. Remembering the last time I saw it, I push at his chest.

  “Before I…before we do anything, I need to know.”

  “Seth doesn’t mean what you think he does,” he answers, anticipating my question.

  “Ok, I guess I don’t understand then. You are so nice to him, and after what he did to you.”

  “I’m nice to everyone. It’s how Mom raised us. It isn’t easy being gay and Milano and in a city that is so segregated sometimes. It’s just how I am. It doesn’t mean I forgot what he did,” he responds.

  “Ok, I think I get that. I just don’t understand what you want from me.”

  “I thought I’ve been pretty clear, Colin. I want you. Just you. Whatever that means you’re doing in your life, from painting dining rooms to dancing. If it’s what you want to do and its part of who you are, that’s what I want.” He pulls me back into his arms and I tilt my head back, looking up at him.

  “I can’t promise I won’t push you away some more. I was never looking for a relationship, Gregor,” I confess.

  “I know. And I’m not going to push you to doing anything you don’t want to do. I meant it when I said that. I just want to be here with you, right now.” He lowers his head and for once I don’t try to pull away. The kiss is soft at first, explorative, but then it quickly transpires into a hot, demanding kiss that is urging me for more. Gregor’s kiss may be conveying what he wants, but his hands remain firmly where they had circled around my waist, and he stays true to his word, not demanding more. It’s me that begins to let my hands roam, realizing it has been so long since we had explored one another on the rooftop, and I want nothing more, now, than to feel his skin on mine.

  I claw at his t-shirt and he steps back, whipping it up and over his head. He bunches it and tosses it into the corner as he half drags me towards the living room, still lip-locked. We stumble over chairs and bump into shelves as the urgency to be with one another grows and grows into something that is frantic and needy.

  I nip at his bottom lip and the sound that comes from him is half moan, half growl as we stumble, tripping on the stairs up to his bedroom. He grabs at my t-shirt and I in turn whip it up ov
er my head, just as he had done. His hands are running all over my torso and my mind has turned to complete neediness for this man. The things he does to me, the way he makes me feel. Like I’m the only man in the world who could ever make him happy. It’s intense and scary at the same time and I don’t understand it. It’s just that if I don’t have him in some way, and very soon, it will feel like I am falling apart.

  The feelings have gone beyond just physical attraction. I started off not wanting to get involved with Gregor. He was a passing fancy, but the more I got to know him, and the more I let his infectious enthusiasm enter my life, the more I began to fall for him.

  Gregor pushes his bedroom door open and I hardly notice the green and silver wallpaper. I think it’s flowers of some kind, but I don’t comment. I don’t care. All I care about is having him and having him now.

  I reach for the zipper of his jeans as we collapse onto the bed, and when I shove the jeans down on his hips, I reach between us and begin stroking him. His chest is rising and falling as I try to convey through my massage just how much I need and want him. His eyes roll back when my palm brushes over the head of him, gathering the moisture that was there and letting it help my palm glide down over him. I let my hand rub in small, short jerks as I lean up and initiate the next kiss. He tries to take control, but I always succumb to his kisses. This time he needs to know how much I want and appreciate him.

  I pull my head back when he tries to dominate the kiss, he stares up at me, confused. I lower my head back down and begin exploring his lips with my own. I dart my tongue in between them and massage his tongue, letting him now that I want him and that I want to know him.

  I break off the kiss and explore the length of his neck, kissing, nipping and tasting while I continue to stroke him with my palm. He reaches for me several times, but I pull back so his hands grip the green comforter of the bed instead. As my mouth works back down his chest and stomach, he grabs the back of my head and I hold still.

  “Can’t,” he gasps. “Can’t hold on much longer this time.”