Naked Hustle

by Trey Parker

  Table of Contents

  1. Tag Team

  2. Peer Pressure

  3. Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number

  4. You Got Served

  5. Bonnie and Clyde

  6. Candy Man

  7. Laser Focused

  8. Set it Off

  9. Georgia Peach

  10. Fake It Until You Make It

  11. Salty Daddy

  12. Room Mates

  13. Résumé Submission

  14. Check Mates

  15 The Secretary’s Secret

  16. Help Wanted

  17. No Twerk Experience

  18. Paid Attention

  19. Home Twerk Assignment

  20. Conflict of Interest

  21. EntrepreNewHer

  22. Celebrity Crushed

  23. Guns and Roses

  24. Robbing the Hood

  25. Peace of the Pie

  26. 21 Questions

  27. Hot, New, Single

  28. Mr. Big Shot

  29. Stupid Cupid

  30. Baecation

  31. Idols become Rivals

  32. Surprise Party

  33. Touchdown in the DMs

  34. Connect. Calls. Collects.

  35. Ebony Envy

  36. Kiss of Death

  37. Favor for a Felon 295

  38. Side Peace

  39. Too Legit to Quit

  40. Leader Shift

  41.Ride or Die

  42. Fed Up

  43. Pursuit of Happiness

  NAKED HUSTLE

  1. Tag Team

  Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania

  They were jealous of Latoya. All of the girls at her school hated her guts. Being the best-looking girl at school was tough. They talked about her clothes every day at lunch because she didn’t have name brand attire. Her sneakers had yellow stains. They would point and laugh and ask her where she bought them. Her clothes were never ironed and the kids said that they smelled like burnt bacon. Most of her clothes were from the thrift stores like Goodwill and Salvation Army. Martha, her mother, didn’t have a steady job so that’s all she could afford. Guys used to laugh and talk about her clothes too, but they still wanted her, quietly. She knew that because guys would still ask for her number all the time when no one was watching. She was a freshman in high school, 14 at the time. The first time she got jumped was by this girl named Shantel and her two friends in the bathroom, just because a kid named Corey Stackhouse, who Shantel had a crush on, didn’t like her but he was infatuated with Latoya. So, just for that, Shantel and her friends caught Latoya in the bathroom stall all alone. Latoya opened the stall thinking that there were three random girls in the bathroom just hanging out. One girl grabbed Latoya from behind and slung her to the ground. Not prepared for the ambush, Latoya didn’t fight back. Instead, she braced the thud to the ground with her arms but protected herself as she balled up in a fetal position. Blows to the head and ribs came next. After the longest 15 seconds that Latoya had ever endured, she was left lying on the cold tile of the bathroom floor with a busted lip, bloody nose, and a bruised ego. Shantel and her friends were suspended for ten days. The second time Latoya got jumped, she actually won the fight. Latoya was next up to get food in the long lunch line when two girls walked up talking amongst themselves and stood directly in front of her in line.

  “Excuse me,” said Latoya.

  The girls ignored her, still talking to each other.

  “Excuse me!” Latoya repeated.

  The girls finally looked her way.

  “What are y’all doing? Umm. I was here first. I’m next,” said Latoya.

  “Oh. I’m sorry, we’re in a rush. Is it ok if we hop in front really quick?”

  Latoya was fed up with the nonsense of being disrespected and belittled. “No, you can wait just like everyone else. Get to the back of the line.”

  They rolled their eyes.

  “Who’s next?” said the cafeteria lady waving her hands for someone to come forward.

  The girls turned to the cafeteria lady and began to order.

  “I’m next!” said Latoya stepping between the both of them slightly bumping shoulders with them while she made room.

  One of the girls grabbed her and pulled her away from the line. The girl swung and hit Latoya in the back of the head. Latoya closed her eyes and began to fight back, even though she was outnumbered. Then she heard a loud smack and a thud. She thought she had gotten knocked out. She opened her eyes and saw that one of the girls was on the ground, defending herself in horror. Little did they know, a girl named Sandy Booker was standing behind Latoya and saw the whole interaction and sucker punched one of the girls to the ground. Then, Sandy clocked the second girl off balance. Both girls looked confused. Shocked, but excited that someone had finally helped her, Latoya started throwing and landing punches with the help of Sandy. Latoya and Sandy beat those two girls up so bad that no one ever wanted to fuck with them again at that school. Ever. Before that fight, she didn’t know Sandy, but after that, her and Sandy became best high school friends. Latoya and Sandy got suspended for 10 days for fighting, even though they were defending ourselves.

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  NAKED HUSTLE

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  NAKED HUSTLE

  2. Peer Pressure

  Latoya admired Sandy. To Latoya, Sandy looked like a grown woman and carried herself like a grown woman. She stood kind of tall at 5’6”. She always had her makeup done and she always had her nails done. On Fridays, she would wear heels to school, religiously. She was a freshman but she was 17-years old. She got held back a couple of grades. But she was super popular. Everyone knew her and respected her because she always had the nicest clothes. She always had on clean Ralph Lauren outfits.

  Latoya started hanging out with Sandy outside of school when they were suspended. Sandy had an old beat-up Toyota Corolla, so she would come pick Latoya up from her house every day that they were suspended. Sometimes, they would go hang out at Pheasant Park. Sandy would go see her boyfriend Niko up there. Niko was 28. Latoya had never really been around older men before. But she liked hanging around them because it made her feel grown. Latoya’s body was fully developed, she had double-D breasts, a round booty, a coke bottle shape with a shimmering golden-brown complexion… all at the age of 14. The older guys on the block loved when she came around.

  Niko would hang out at the park all day and all night with a bunch of guys. They called themselves the Wild Side Gang. All they would do is roll dice, smoke weed, and sell drugs. All day. Occasionally, he would give Sandy money to go to the mall.

  She would tell Latoya, “I get what I want from these niggas. They buy me whatever I want, whenever I want. That’s why I don’t fuck with those lil boys at school. I like older men because they can take care of me. Plus, they not about games like these little broke boys at school.”

  The more Latoya hung with Sandy, the more she started skipping school. She would just leave school and go to Pheasant Park and hang out with the Wild Side Gang. She liked being up there because it made her feel like a grown woman. None of the guys talked bad about her clothes or made her feel inferior. The guys would actually give her compliments and make her feel good. They would say things like, “You fine as hell lil brown skin.” Or they would ask who her boyfriend was or if she was fucking with anyone in the Wild Side Gang. She would always turn them down, and tell them no.

  But Latoya secretly had a huge crush on one of the guys in the gang. That’s why she didn’t mind hanging out. His name was Scooter. Scooter was 26. When she first saw him, she liked that he had swag. He was always fly. Name brand everything. He was definitely the best dressed out of the bunch. When his pants sagged, you could see that he had on Versace underwear. He always had on the new Jordans and they
were clean like they were fresh out of the box. He had neatly dreaded locks down to his shoulders. Latoya loved when his dreadlocks hung over his face and he would jerk his head backwards sending the dreads flying back. She thought that was so sexy. He had six gold teeth on the bottom. He reminded her of Lil Wayne but to Latoya he was way cuter. He was very quiet, he didn’t talk much. She also liked him because when he spoke, everyone listened. He was the leader of the Wild Side Gang.

  While hanging at the park, Niko always had a blunt of weed rolled up and he would give it to Sandy to smoke. She would smoke it, then try to pass it to Latoya, and she would say no. “More for us then,” Sandy would always say shrugging her shoulders. Then Sandy would continue smoking. Eventually, Latoya started hitting the blunt too. She started coming home high almost every day. Latoya never knew her dad, so the only parent in the house at the time was her mother Martha and she didn’t notice Latoya’s glassy red eyes and marijuana-scented fragrance because, most of the time, she was high too.

  Martha would smoke weed and do other drugs. Not in the house though. She would never do it in front of the kids, but Latoya knew the truth. Martha probably would do whatever drug you put in front of her. She didn’t work anywhere, she just collected government assistance. Food stamps were the family’s best friend. She tried to work, but she would always quit her job or get fired within weeks. Latoya and Martha didn’t get along so she stayed out of her mother’s way most of the time. Latoya hated when she would have random men come over and stay the night. Sometimes, Martha would leave the house late at night once she thought Latoya was sleeping and she wouldn’t come back until the morning when it was time for Latoya and her little sister Leah to go to school. That’s why, every time Latoya got home, she would go straight to her room and close the door. Her little sister Leah, however, loved their mother to death. She looked up to Martha, she was only five-years old. She didn’t know any better.

  Leah was the opposite of Latoya and their mother. She was super smart. She always got good grades and loved to read. Latoya knew she was going places. Latoya’s goal in life was to mentor Leah and make sure that she doesn’t make the same mistakes that her or Martha did. She always stayed on top of Leah because she knew that Leah would be the golden child of the family.

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  NAKED HUSTLE

  3. Age Ain’t Nothing but a Number

  One day, Sandy called Latoya and said that Niko had a hotel room and she wanted her to come chill and smoke with her. She agreed and then Sandy picked her up. Once Latoya got in the car, she asked who would be at the hotel with them.

  “Just Niko and Scooter,” Sandy said.

  Latoya’s face lit up.

  When Latoya got to the hotel room, Niko opened the door. The room was dimly lit but they could still see into the room and the two queen beds. The television was on but muted. There was an auxiliary cord connected to the hotel room’s speaker and they were playing a Gucci Mane song. The room smelled like straight marijuana. Scooter was sitting on the bed rolling a blunt. He didn’t look up once to see who was at the door. There were little plastic bags of drugs everywhere. There was a pistol on the nightstand.

  “Y’all ready to get fucked up?!” Niko said pointing to the bottle of gin on the table.

  “Yep,” said Sandy. Sandy looked at Latoya, “You drinking with us?”

  “Girl. I never drank before. I thought you said that we were just going to smoke?” Latoya said.

  “We got smoke too! Whatever you like, we got it,” said Niko.

  “Just take a shot with me. Don’t worry, you won’t get drunk off a shot,” Sandy said.

  “Ok. Just one,” Latoya responded.

  Niko got two of the plastic complimentary cups that the hotel provides and poured them each a shot. Holding the shot in her hand, she put her nose in the cup and the smell hit her like a Mike Tyson punch.

  “Oh my God! It smells like rubbing alcohol!” said Latoya fanning at the smell.

  “That’s what it’s supposed to smell like. Just take the shot and don’t think about it,” said Niko.

  Latoya held her nose, tilted her head back, and threw the shot in her mouth. It was one of the worse things that she had ever tasted.

  Niko smiled. “Now that’s what I’m talking about! Turn up! Now we can smoke. Scooter has the blunt rolled up and ready.”

  They all gathered around Scooter as he lit the marijuana filled blunt. He calmly puffed the blunt multiple times, then passed it to Niko. They each puffed and passed the blunt around the circle. Latoya was feeling woozy, but she liked it.

  After a couple of rounds of passing the blunt, Niko whispered in Sandy’s ear. She giggled and they both went to the other bed and got under the covers. Scooter and Latoya sat on the bed alone.

  There was silence between Scooter and Latoya until she broke it.

  “Why are you always so quiet?” she asked.

  “Because I like to just watch and listen. I like to analyze everything. You can’t do that if you’re always running your mouth,” said Scooter not looking at her.

  “Oh. ok. I was just wondering. You never spoke to me, out of all the times that I was at the park, you never said anything to me.”

  “Because I was waiting on you to speak to me. Plus, I been watching you trying to figure out if you’re my type of chick or not.”

  “Your type of chick? What’s your type?”

  “A chick that stay to herself. That just got a cool vibe about her. A chick that’s gone hold a nigga down,” said Scooter as he puffed the blunt and blew smoke out of his nose.

  “Oh. Well, do you like what you see?”

  “I don’t know yet. I’m trying to figure it out now.” Scooter reached over to his left and grabbed a tiny plastic bag. He put his fingers in it and pulled out a tiny ball of white powder. “Here,” Scooter said.

  “Here what?” Latoya said.

  “Take this.”

  “What’s that? And what do you mean take it?” she responded.

  “Just call it, Snow White. And all you do is sniff it up your nose. Like this,” he put it to his nostrils and sniffed it up smoothly. Then he wiggled his nose and his mouth a little. “Ok. Your turn. Try it.”

  She looked over her shoulder to talk to Sandy about it, but her and Niko were under the covers moving around. Then she heard Sandy softly moaning, so she didn’t want to bother her.

  “If that’s cocaine, I’m not doing that. Hell no.”

  “Cocaine sounds so evil. Don’t call it cocaine. Call it Snow White. I sell this stuff, I know all about it. I promise after you take it you will feel better than you ever felt. You will feel smarter. You will feel like you can take over the world. You will feel like superwoman. Just try it once. I do it all the time and I’m fine. Does it look like anything is wrong with me?”

  Latoya looked him in his eyes. He looked confident. He looked brave. She trusted him. She wanted him to like her so bad, that she would do anything for him. Plus, he looked healthy, he didn’t look sick, or like a drug addict.

  “Ok. Just a small tiny pinch. And just one,” she pinched a tiny bit from the bag, she looked at it for a second, then snorted it. It felt like her brain had been shocked.

  “See, it wasn’t that bad,” Scooter said.

  She looked square at him but she didn’t say anything. She was super alert and energized. She felt happy. Scooter began speaking, she could hear his voice, but she was just so focused on how good she was feeling that she wasn’t paying attention. She bravely leaned forward. Next thing she knew, her lips met Scooter’s lips.

  Scooter started taking her clothes off. Everything was moving so fast. She was worried that he would find out that she was a virgin and she had no idea what she was doing. What if she had sex with him and he hated it and he would never talk to her again. Her mind was racing. They both got naked and under the covers. Scooter started caressing her vagina with his two fingers. He tried to force his fingers inside and she winced. It was super painful. Then he gradually
forced his fingers in and out of her. Then it started feeling better but it still hurt. Then he put his tongue down there and started licking her vagina and her clit. She kept jumping in fear every time his cold and wet tongue touched her. It was a weird feeling, but Latoya liked it.

  He finally tried to put his dick inside her. It was the most painful thing that she had ever felt. She tried her best not to be loud but she couldn’t help it. She cried. Scooter turned the music up louder to mask her shouts. She kept pushing him away because it hurt so bad. He started going, slow, and steady, not going deep, just easing the tip of his dick in and out. Eventually, she was comfortable enough for him to go halfway in so he could get a quality stroke. He nutted in five minutes. She lost her virginity to her biggest crush.

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  NAKED HUSTLE

  4. You Got Served

  After that night, Scooter became her boyfriend. Now, just like Sandy and Niko, every time she asked him for money, he would give it to her. Sometimes he would give her a couple of hundred depending on the mood that he was in. Then her and Sandy would go to the mall and buy Ralph Lauren and Christian Dior. After awhile Scooter started coming to her house. He met Martha. Sometimes he would spend the night. Martha knew he was 26 and Latoya was 14. She liked Scooter so she was cool with it. They had a really good relationship.

  After Latoya started dating Scooter, she started skipping school more than ever. She didn’t show up to school much but when she did, she was the best dressed. Now, everyone knew her for being fly. She had on name brand clothes. No one could talk shit anymore. She was untouchable, the boys couldn’t afford her and the girls wanted to be her. She eventually became the most popular chick at the school.

  She was infatuated with Scooter. Just crazy about him. Their relationship was very strong. One day, she woke up in the morning and she heard her house phone beeping. She went and checked, and it said that she had a missed call from Scooter at 3:00 a.m. Scooter would never call her house phone, because she had her own cell phone. There was no reason to. Her cell phone had no missed calls from him. So, she called him back. She was worried that something had happened.