Hayden's Verse

by A. C. Bextor

  “Better late than never, I suppose.”

  “What’s up, Bean?” Ace asks with impatience.

  “The potatoes are done, the rolls are in the oven, and I’m about to cut the ham.”

  Rolling his eyes, knowing he can’t rush Bean into anything, Ace stands and starts taking the food to the table one plate at a time. Trav continues to sit quietly until the food hits his senses, then I catch him gag to himself quietly.

  “I’m outtie,” Sarah exclaims, bouncing into the kitchen after changing. She’s wearing a midriff shirt with yoga pants.

  Bean skips over the shirt but advises, “Sarah, honey. Wear a coat.”

  “Got it,” she answers, leaning her body against the counter and sending a quick glare to Ace and Travis that’s returned with one of their own. I don’t miss the jewelry around her belly button. After hearing Ace’s angry growl, I notice he didn’t miss it either.

  “You needed that, I’m sure,” Ace mutters, pinning her with a harsher glare.

  “I did.” She lifts her shirt to showcase the piercing. “Got it last week. Loooove it!”

  “Put your shirt down, Sarah,” Bean snaps, shaking her head and making her way to the table with shaky legs.

  Sarah does what she’s told and hugs Bean from behind sweetly then walks out of the room, yelling behind her, “See ya later, Beanie.”

  Bean gives a genuine smile while shaking her head. “That girl. Going to be the death of me, I’m afraid. She makes livin’ fun, though.”

  Sarah and Bean are extremely close. More times than not, Sarah takes care of Bean. She watches her intake of meds with more care than a teenager should have to. Rather than hang with her friends, as most teenagers do, Sarah stays home with Bean. They play bingo, go visit friends, and bake together. It’s a soft piece of Sarah rarely enjoyed by others.

  “Let’s eat!” Ace says, punching Trav in the arm. The silent groan he offers back amuses the room and all through dinner we laugh at his expense.

  “Wait, where’s Toby?” I ask, jealous he got out of this.

  “Marlee,” Ace says with an already full mouth of potatoes.

  “She okay?”

  “Yeah, sick though. After watching him go through that shit not once, but twice, I’m kinda glad all I have is Decklan. Unsure how I’d handle Rae being sick like that all the time.”

  “Afraid she wouldn’t give you . . .”

  The slap to my hand calls my attention to Bean. “Whatever you were going to say, Hayden Merit, don’t.”

  Raising my hands in surrender and thinking quickly, I offer a lie. “I was going to say she wouldn’t give him her time, that’s it.”

  “Mmmm, I bet,” she returns with a punishing stare that makes me sink back in my chair. Bean can make you feel like the most precious and important soul on Earth, but she can also make you feel ashamed in the next heartbeat. It’s part of her character. No one escapes it.

  After dinner, Bean sends both Ace and Travis out for her weekly grocery run. Travis was eager to get away from dish duty. He didn’t touch any food. He watched Ace inhale it without retching, and he was ready to go.

  Turning to Bean after finishing her dishes, I ask, “What else can I help you with?”

  There’s a reason we’re all here. I’m waiting.

  “Can you get the red box out of my bedroom closet? Top shelf. It’s full so be careful.”

  Walking into Bean’s room, I take a quick look around. Sarah keeps her things in order as she likes them. Her dressers are littered with pictures of Sarah, Ace, and recent photos of Rae and Deck are propped beside them proudly. There are even older pictures of Toby, Travis, and me in smaller frames hung against her walls.

  She loves us all.

  Finding the red box, I pull it down and take a quick last glance of Bean’s room. Last year, Ace had moved both Sarah and Bean into a condo not far from his place. It’s big and doesn’t feel as homey as the old place, but she’s added her character. Her crafts, personal items, and her essence fill the space.

  “Got it,” I say, walking back into the living room with the box as she requested.

  “Set it down over there, will you?”

  As I move Bean’s projects out of the way, she slowly walks to her chair and sits in it without saying anything. I take a seat on the couch across from her and wait.

  “I’m not young anymore, Hayden,” she starts to say sadly. “I’ve lived a long happy life, and you’ve been a big part of that.”

  “Thanks, Bean,” I respond with the same serious tone. She’s right; I’ve been part of her life since we were all kids. She was my only maternal influence. When I was sick or had an issue at school, it was Bean my father turned to for advice before Cathy came along.

  Pulling the box on her lap, she opens it. Pictures start to fall from the top and she catches them one at a time as she studies each of them in turn.

  “Look.” Handing me one, she takes more time to recollect. “You boys and your toys.”

  It’s a picture of Travis, Ace, Toby, and me. We’re standing inside Travis’s dad’s house. He had us lined against his wall, all holding our prized Christmas presents.

  Trav, of course, got a keyboard that year and had it proudly draped across his body, holding it with care. His face reflected how excited he had been to open it.

  Ace got a skateboard. I had forgotten about that stupid, intolerable phase he went through. It lasted only until he ran himself into a telephone pole and busted his arm. Toby and I were with him that day. We laughed; he didn’t. I remember him saying how glad he was that Travis wasn’t there to witness it. Travis being the youngest of all of us looked up to Ace like an idol and Ace was worried, even then, about disappointing any of us in showing his flaws.

  Sarah had her baby doll. She was so small I hardly remember her at that age. Her focus wasn’t on the camera. In true Sarah form, she was trying to shove the baby’s thumb into its mouth and looking frustrated that it wouldn’t fit. It wasn’t made to.

  Toby stands taller than the rest of us, holding his Nike sweatshirt over his head. He was into clothes then, no idea why. He wasn’t into badass toys like the rest of us were.

  I was standing at the side of all of them, holding a cheap microphone and watching the others.

  “I remember that year.” I remind her of what she probably already knows.

  “Me, too.” She smiles gently and grabs another picture.

  “This one,” she says, handing it over. “You were all so busy with each other, you hardly noticed me in the room. I liked those moments. I got to see who was up to what without you all trying to fool me.”

  I grab this one from her shaky hand and bring it to my view. Travis has Sarah on his lap. Her small fingers look to be tracing the outline of his eyes, and she’s studying his face with intent. She must be five here, making him thirteen—a new teenager. He looks moody, but content and unworried. Ace and Toby are looking at each other laughing at something. I’m staring at Bean with a puzzled expression I don’t remember.

  She hands me another one without saying anything. This one is from only two years ago. I remember it; it’s right after Raegan got here. It was taken at Bean’s small apartment they all shared before Ace and Rae truly got together. They knew how they each felt about one another but it was too early to tell then if they would make it.

  Sarah, I’m guessing, said something to piss Travis off. He has her in a lock around the head and she’s clutching his large arms with her hands and smiling; he’s not. Toby and Marlee stand at the side laughing at them both. I, again, stand on the other side of all of them with an expression I still can’t place.

  History. I remember who I was at the time, but don’t remember how I felt about it.

  “Those pictures you’re holding are yours,” Bean says quietly.

  “I can’t take your pictures, Bean. These are your memories.”

  She taps the side of her temple. “My memories are here.” She moves her hand to her heart and whispers
quietly, “and here.”

  “Thank you for these,” I tell her, putting them down on the table with care in front of me.

  I sense she’s not done as I watch her sit quietly across from me. “Hayden,” she says with sentiment. “Who do you have in these pictures?”

  I’m stalled, not understanding her question. “I don’t . . .”

  She picks up the most recent picture, hands it back to me. I stare down, still not understanding.

  “Look again.”

  I do as I’m told, as I always do what she asks. My mind filters through the photo taking in each person in turn. I realize what she’s asking and it hits my chest with a shattering spark as I do. My throat gets weak and strains as I swallow the lump, feeling it down into my stomach.

  Quietly, treading lightly, she continues. “Marlee and Toby have been happy since high school. Ace and Rae, well there’s nothing to explain there. He loved her before he knew it.” She pauses, closing the picture box on her lap and resting her arms on the top, fingers laced within each other. “Travis and Sarah are a pair of their own.” She winks when I look up at her with my eyes widening in surprise. “Not that way of course, but he’ll watch her the way he always has. He loves her and she’ll eventually figure that out and stop battling him at every turn. But what about you, Hayden?”

  I don’t speak, fear rising to the surface in the face of her observation. She’s right. My friends have each other and in a sense, I know I have them . . . to an extent.

  This talk from Bean has me reflecting on my drunken discussion with Travis. He cares about me; even being a man, I admit I love him. I wouldn’t ever want to jeopardize that friendship. The things he said to me, although true, were meant as a warning. There was more. In his drunken tirade as he explained everything about me he hated, it dawns on me that he’s also worried about my life and the direction I’m allowing it to go.

  I don’t have anyone to share pictures with. I don’t have a Sarah, or Raegan, or Marlee. I have me.

  “Ace told me about you and Lacey,” she states plainly, waiting for my reaction. When I don’t offer one, she finishes her thought. “He told me you like her and that he hasn’t seen you look at a woman like that before.”

  “It’s new.” I correct her scheme before she takes it too far. “She’s a nut. I like that about her,” I admit, my mind reeling in frames of our time together in rushing detail. Her sticking up for me in the faces of my friends, Ace and Travis. The ass-chew she let Travis have at my place. Her in my bed, letting me hold her all night as I laid next to her studying the ceiling fan in thought.

  “Take that. Take whatever she’s offering and build on it. She’s a good girl. I’ve only met her a couple of times, but you know as well as I do, I know people.”

  “You do.” I agree because she’s right. She kept us out of trouble growing up, ensuring we didn’t stray into the wrong crowd.

  “I’ve never judged you, Hayden.”

  “I know,” I answer, unsure where she’s going with this.

  “When you’d bring woman after woman around, you’d hardly introduce me to any of them.”

  “Oh, that.”

  “Sometimes two at a time,” she quips with a small smile meant to make me uncomfortable. It does.

  “That was a long time ago.”

  “If you have any questions or you get stuck in your own head, you let me know. I’m always here.”

  “I will,” I confirm, taking the picture back from her and putting it on the table with the others.

  “Your dad is getting better,” she states before I can find an excuse to get away from her prying heart and witty mind.

  “I think so.”

  “I know so, Hayden. I talked to Brian yesterday. He tells me he’s going to start pushing you to get a job.”

  “Yeah.”

  “He won’t let you down this time.” Her certainty is appreciated, but I’m always skeptical. “It’s time you live your life now.”

  “I’m living it, Bean.”

  “You’re existing in it, Hayden.” Her remark is definite and sure. I can hide under the rouse of satisfied to everyone, but her.

  “Bean, anyone ever tell you that you see too much for your own good?”

  She laughs, and the box on her lap tilts with her laughter. “Oh, yes. Sarah and Ace. They gave up trying to get by me a long time ago. I worry about what they’ll do when I’m gone.”

  Standing up, I go to her chair and lean in to hug her small shoulders. Her hand grabs my forearm as I do. “You’re going to live another twenty years over them still.”

  “I hope not. I had looked forward to haunting all of you. All those nights I spent up late worrying if you kids were doing what you should be doing. It’ll be a nice change.”

  “I’ll look forward to that.”

  “Now, if you could use the words on your phone to get the other boys back here, I have pictures for them, too. I think Travis would be interested in those with him in that cowboy costume he insisted he wear to bed every time he was over.”

  Pulling out my phone, I use ‘my words’ to send an S.O.S. to the others. Now that my talk with Bean is over, I tell them to get their asses back here A.S.A.P.

  CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

  Lacey

  TRAVIS 08:46 P.M. Done with Bean. Thanks for helping Rae get Sarah all that fuckin’ makeup today, Lace.

  Rae, Sarah, and I had fun today at the mall. She wanted new makeup and so did we. I’m not going to apologize for it. I start to send a smart-ass text but get stopped by another notification.

  Travis 08:47 p.m. We’re going for a beer. Be home later.

  The last I saw of my brother this afternoon, he still looked tired and ashen. I’m surprised he’s going out. He didn’t sleep much when we got home and he hadn’t eaten all day. Bean’s meeting with her boys must have been stressing.

  08:48 p.m. I’d steer clear of the tequila if I were you.

  I laugh to myself at his expense and wait for the reply. It doesn’t happen right away, but it does happen.

  Travis 08:50 p.m. That was on you. Won’t happen again.

  With the guys out for the night and no word from Hayden, I grab one of Trav’s DVDs and look forward to a mind-numbing chick flick, if he had any. My final selection choices consist of Die Hard 1, 2, or 3, Mad Max, or Gone in Sixty Seconds.

  Typical manly-man movies.

  Deciding Nick Cage gets my vote, I pick it up and put it in. Now it’s just me and as many carbohydrates as I can find in Trav’s health-filled cabinets.

  Just as I get changed, seated, and ready with remote in hand, a knock at the door startles me. Getting up and checking the peephole, I find my ‘exclusive’ on the other side of the door looking anxious.

  Taking in his still appearance, I notice with appreciation how hot he is. He’s wearing a flannel shirt with a faded black shirt underneath. The pendant I’m now familiar with hangs around his neck.

  He’s studying his feet and starts to knock again when I swing the door open with a smile. “Thought you guys were going for a drink after Bean’s?”

  Rushing inside, he grabs me by the waist and closes the door with his foot, never looking back after hearing it slam. The pictures on the walls shake with the force he uses. His mouth on mine smothers my words as I’m trying to ask what’s happening. His hands go to my back, sliding down my boxers and grabbing my ass with enough strength to cause pain.

  “No drink,” he utters while his mouth assaults my chest through my nightshirt.

  Grabbing his head and forcing him to look at me, he stands tall, looking a little worn and tired. “What’s up, Hayden?”

  He lets me go, steps back, and starts removing his clothes, beginning with his flannel shirt. Then I watch as he removes his tee shirt, revealing his tanned chest. The pendant flies through the air quickly then lands at its place on his chest. He removes his shoes one at a time and finally his jeans at a ridiculously hurried pace.

  I haven’t said anything as I lo
ok into his calculating and hungry stare.

  “Off,” he says as he comes at me in only his black boxers. He reaches for the hem of my nightshirt and lifts it over my head without delay, leaving me in a skin-tight black silk camisole.

  “Hello, Hayden,” I say with sarcasm as he tosses my shirt to the side, dropping it next to his on the floor.

  “Hello,” he answers back with single-minded determination. He has my boxers sliding down my legs then off before the next breath.

  “Bed.” Lifting me off my feet, I wrap my arms and legs around him tightly before he starts toward my bedroom.

  “We’re going to fuck?” I ask jokingly, finding he’s not in the mood to laugh.

  I hear a growl come from the back of his throat then my back hits the wall beside my bedroom door. He slides into me as he uses one hand to tear my camisole down before sucking my nipple into his mouth.

  The thrusting isn’t gentle. Since being with him, Hayden’s not been aggressive. Tonight, for whatever reason I don’t care about, Hayden is rough and careless with my body. The pain from my lower back hitting the wall is welcome.

  “Tell me.” Momentarily, I’m confused until he continues. “Tell me who’s fucking you, Lace. Say my name.”

  “Hayden,” I answer his demand, feeling his teeth sink into the flesh between my breasts. “Hayden,” I repeat, enjoying the sound coming from his throat.

  “Fucking Christ, you feel so fucking good.”

  “Hayden, I’m close,” I admit, his words causing my body to clench around him.

  “Give it to me,” he pants. “Together, Lacey.”

  My mouth draws open with impending release; I’m so close. He covers my lips with his own, drowning himself in me and I take it.

  All of it.

  Digging my nails into his shoulders, he hisses in pain before he stills inside me, releasing himself without barrier. I close my eyes and let myself enjoy the feel of it.

  The only sound left in the room is the panting between us. He lifts his head from my neck and smiles so wide it reaches his eyes. “Okay, what did you say about hello?”