Hayden's Verse

by A. C. Bextor

  I miss being with her, though. I miss talking to her and hanging out doing nothing. I’ve thought about telling her this, but we’re finally in a good enough place and after all the time that’s passed, I don’t want to jeopardize whatever we’ve already fought to have.

  I grab her wrist before she has a chance to escape the confines of the small room. She turns quickly, surprised by the touch, and looks up before inhaling a breath.

  “You’re beautiful, Lacey. With all the changes or without, you’ll always be beautiful,” I tell her honestly.

  “A compliment,” she states with a small smirk. “Thank you, Hayden,” she responds quietly and pulls away to finish dressing.

  *****

  The hospital waiting room is as it always is when the gang’s all together.

  Chaotic and crazy.

  Decklan and Maddux are huddled in a corner playing with germ-filled community hospital toys. Ace and Rae are seated on a small couch to the side of them, watching carefully. Travis is leaning against the wall next to the chair Sarah is seated in. Her face is in her phone, which is typical. Marlee’s mom, who I’ve only met once, is pacing back and forth and lets out a silent sob she catches in her Kleenex.

  Lacey pulls my arm so I lower my head to hear her. “Basket case,” she says as she nods to Rebecca as she continues to walk back and forth in front of us.

  I keep my voice to a whisper, not wanting the worried grandmother to hear. “Yeah. She was the same way when Maddux was born.”

  “I’ll go see if there’s something I can do for her.”

  I nod, then look to Travis who I know still doesn’t like me but he’s lightened up now that Lacey and I aren’t at constant odds.

  “Have we gotten any word yet?” I ask Rae.

  “Yeah. They are taking her for C-section now if they haven’t already done it. The doc didn’t give them much time to try for natural birth. It was more to please Marlee than anything else.”

  “Anyone need anything? I’m going out to grab a coffee.” Lacey’s attention to Rebecca stops and her head turns toward me. “You want something?”

  “Kit-Kat, Snickers . . .”

  “Thought you said you were a house?” I interrupt her list of sweet and fat demands.

  “Let me finish,” she demands with a clipped tone. “Kit-Kat, Snickers, and if they have any I’d like a PayDay.”

  “Better get the woman what she needs, Hayden,” Raegan tells me. “I’ll go with you.”

  We make our way down the hall and to the left for Lacey’s list before Raegan says anything. “So, you and Lacey seem better.”

  “Rae.” I hesitate to shut her down; she’s asking because she cares. “We’re fine.”

  “Fine,” she says, mocking me. “That’s hot.”

  Women must take classes on how to make a man feel small and inadequate.

  “We’re as good as we can be right now. How’s that?”

  “Better, I guess.”

  “How are you and Ace?” I ask because I don’t know. I haven’t talked to them as much as I used to.

  Adding another dollar to the machine, she answers, “He’s worried about Bean. She’s forgetting things.”

  “I’ve noticed she’s looking tired.”

  “Yeah. He’s watching her more than he usually does. Between Bean and Sarah, Ace is tired.”

  Rae hands me Lacey’s stash of crap along with the coffee I initially came to get. We start to make our way back to the waiting room but we’re stopped in the hall by Toby. He’s smiling ear to ear as he wears his green scrubs proudly. “She’s here. She’s healthy and she’s so beautiful.”

  “Already?” Rae questions with surprise. “Well, how’s Marlee?”

  “Perfect. I gotta go back in, but I wanted to update Rebecca. I just left everyone. Give us a couple of hours and you can meet her.”

  “Okay, go go go!” Rae shoos him away and he doesn’t object. He opens the double doors to the room where Marlee waits and leaves us smiling between ourselves.

  “That’s gonna be you soon, ya know,” Rae says to me before taking a sip of her coffee.

  I hadn’t thought much about the arrival of the baby, just the changes it would be making to our lives. “I guess it is.”

  “Come on. Let’s get these to your baby mama before she comes looking for us.”

  Trying not to laugh out loud at Rae’s antics, I look down and ask, “Baby mama?”

  “You’re the baby daddy, so don’t judge.”

  “Oh, Jesus, Raegan. Let’s go.”

  The waiting room is empty when we arrive. When we follow the noise to the hallway beside us, it’s as if we’re looking into a cast of characters in a television show and all the people are lost and confused.

  Raegan laughs when Ace comes at her in excitement. Ace isn’t normally excited about much, but you can see by his facial expression that Marlee coming out of this okay has eased his worry and he’s smiling freely. He grabs Rae and holds her tight, crushing her to him as she balances her own coffee out to the side of the embrace.

  “Everyone’s okay,” he breathes, clutching her head to his chest and kissing her hair.

  “I heard, Ace. Let me go. I can’t breathe.”

  “Rebecca is in with her now. One visitor at a time until they’re ready for more.”

  “Where’s Lacey?” I want to know where the small condo carrying my child ran off to so I can be sure she’s eaten something at least.

  “She’s around. Trav and Sarah took the boys to hit the gift shop.”

  “I’m going to make a few calls. I’ll be back in a little while.” I don’t have calls to make, but with the baby excitement and chaos, I need a break.

  On the way outside, I open the door for an elderly couple. She’s pushing his wheelchair and he’s complaining about the weather. It’s almost eighty degrees today, unsure what’s to bitch about. I wonder how long they’ve been together and how deeply their connection is to each other after all this time. I wonder with admiration the pictures they must have stored away on the top shelves of their closets like Bean.

  About an hour later, I’ve finished walking around the parking lot and made it to my car. My phone chimes with an incoming message.

  Seduce Me 04:36 p.m. Jordan Casey is perfect! Where are you?

  Lacey’s enthusiasm is sweet. Like her.

  04:38 p.m. Outside. Needed a break.

  Seduce Me 04:39 p.m. Get your hot ass in here, Hayden. Maddux is asking for you to sing to the baby. WE WANNA HEAR YOU SING!!!!

  04:40 p.m. You ate every one of those candy bars, didn’t you?

  She had to have. She’s high on sugar.

  Seduce Me 04:40 p.m. It’s possible. I’m pregnant, Hayden. Don’t judge me.

  I’ve missed this between us. The fun and easy back-and-forth banter.

  When I’ve stalled long enough, I make it to the recovery area where they’ve taken Marlee and the baby. Marlee is on the bed, definitely not looking as though she’s just given birth. Rebecca is at her side, stroking her daughter’s head. Toby isn’t around. Ace and Rae take up two chairs in the corner while Sarah and Trav stand to their side.

  “Where are the boys?” I ask the room when I enter.

  “Hayden!” Marlee exclaims with glee. “Toby took them to run around and get tired before Ace and Rae take them home.”

  “Where’s Jor . . .” Before I can finish the word, I shut the hospital door and find Lacey holding Jordan as tears stream down her face.

  The room quiets as we all stare at Lacey and listen to her talk to the baby. She’s holding her with one arm as her hands scan her new small body. Toes, fingers, nose, and cheeks all covered in turn. “You’re so, so pretty, little girl. I love your fingers, and your little feet,” she utters, not knowing she has an audience. “I bet you’ll learn how to play the drums, too, won’t you?”

  I clear my throat. It’s forced to avoid revealing my own emotions in seeing Lacey hold a newborn baby. Her long, blonde hair is pulled back in
a half-ponytail and her face is red from the excitement and happiness. Her belly protrudes underneath her cradling arms. I snap a mental picture; it’s one I know I’ll always remember of her.

  So beautiful.

  “Lace?” I speak first.

  Lacey’s head raises and her cheeks severely blush. “Shit, sorry. Am I hogging?”

  I walk to her, place my hand on her lower back and look down at Jordan. “Nah. You look happy.”

  “I love her. I want to take her home.”

  “Oh, no, you don’t,” Marlee interrupts from the bed, motioning her hands in the air for Lacey to give her back. “My boys are going to be back in a few minutes, and I want some girl time before they come crashing the party.”

  “Grandma’s headed back to the hotel,” Rebecca tells Marlee, kissing her forehead. “I’ll come back later.”

  “We’re headed out, too. Rae’s takin’ the boys to dinner.”

  Rae elbow jabs Ace’s ribs. He fakes a groan in response. “No, Rae isn’t takin’ the boys to dinner. Ace is. Raegan’s headed home for a nap!”

  “Damn.” Ace looks to Travis and Sarah. “You guys wanna help out with this?”

  When my eyes find Travis’s, I see he’s smiling. It appears everyone is at ease.

  It’s a good day.

  *****

  “She’s perfect! Did you see her little nose?”

  I’ll admit, Lacey’s excitement on the way home is nothing less than contagious. Even I have to say Toby and Marlee gave all their best physical attributes to little Jo. Maddux was beet red for days after suffering through difficult labor, only to end up as a C-section baby. He wasn’t cute at all; he was a cherry with legs as stems.

  “She is.”

  “Even her little cry was cute.”

  “They don’t stay that way long.”

  “Oh, like you’re the baby expert.”

  I smile as I open her door and help her out of the truck. “Definitely fucking not.”

  “Our baby is going to be perfect, too.” Pushing on the small of her back to get her moving, she stops me and slaps her hands on my chest. “Say it, Hayden.”

  “Say what?”

  “Little Adelaide June is going to be healthy and gorgeous.”

  “Adelaide June?” I laugh out loud. “That’s not a name; that’s an ingredient. And what if it’s a boy?”

  Lacey grows quiet, removes her hand from my chest and passes me on her way to the house. “Well, then we better start picking names.”

  “Adelaide isn’t a name,” I state again, taking that ridiculous name out of the running.

  Opening the door and letting her in the house, I follow closely behind her. She sets her purse on the table and stretches her arms over her head. When she does, her shirt rises with her movements and her lower belly shows slightly.

  “I’m beat. I’m going to bed. Wanna make out before I turn in for the night?” Her tone is serious, but she can’t possibly be.

  She hasn’t asked me that question in as many months as it’s taken me to stop trying to forget what she feels like coming undone underneath me. My body tenses in anticipation for release.

  My smile and words in answer, though, are enough of the denial she needs. “Not a good idea.”

  “Pregnant women need love, too,” she claims, removing her shirt that leaves her in a thin black camisole. Her body is radiant from pregnancy. She’s stunning. I look up and down her ever-growing form, feeling my mouth growing dry.

  Fuck me, she’s not wearing a bra.

  “You scare me,” I tell her.

  “You bother me, so?”

  “Go to bed, Lacey.” My body is fighting to stay in its place. If we had sex, it would fuck up any and all of what we’ve salvaged. Fucking is what got us into this mess in the first place.

  “Oh, fine, hot pants. Stay out here . . . all alone.”

  I walk toward the couch, opening the blanket and fixing the pillow to avoid looking at her. “Nice, Lacey. Goodnight.”

  “I’ll be in here if you change your mind,” she mumbles, closing the bedroom door behind her.

  Jesus Christ. No man can withstand this torture and do it with any dignity.

  “I should be sainted for this,” I say to myself as I lie down, get comfortable, and close my eyes. “Fucking sainted. Damn it.”

  A few hours later, I wake to Lacey stirring. I’ve found that along with her pregnancy I’ve become attuned to her every move, intentional or not. Even without touching her, holding her, or being inside her I still feel as though her being pregnant has kept us intimately connected.

  Lifting the blankets and heading toward the bedroom, I stop when I see she’s awake and staring at the ceiling. She catches me watching from the door way and the cast of the moon’s light creates a shadow on her face. She’s not smiling or crying; she merely looks content.

  “I woke myself up,” she tells me in a rough whisper.

  “I heard you from out there.”

  “I snore, don’t I?”

  “No, but you mumble. You all right?” She nods, and her hair moves with the pillow as she does. “Can I get you anything while I’m up?”

  “Can you keep me company? I can’t sleep.”

  “You want to play cards?”

  “No. Lie down with me?”

  I let go of the doorjamb and move into the room. Emotionally, this is a bad idea. Physically, it’s a fucking disaster. I haven’t been with a woman since her, and just the smell of her hair if I let myself enjoy it is too much. Being next to her in bed again . . .

  “You don’t have to. If you . . .” she sighs. She must sense my internal struggle.

  “Shhh. Save the drama, baby mama. This is fine.”

  I climb in and lie next to her on my side of the bed. We stare at the ceiling in silence, each not knowing what the other is thinking.

  “I’ve missed my bed,” I say, getting more comfortable by the second. “The couch sucks.”

  “Couch was your idea. I told you I could’ve taken it.”

  “You’re a house, Lace. Unsure you’d fit.” I see her fist coming on the way to my ribs and before she has a chance to land a good solid punch, I grab her wrist to stop her.

  “You’re so mean!” she exclaims.

  I laugh out loud, she laughs with me, and we turn on our sides when I let her go. “Sorry. I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.”

  “You didn’t. I’m tired of being this big, though. I swear I break into a sweat when I put my shoes on.”

  Slowly, I reach over and rest my hand on her stomach. I don’t ever get the chance to feel the baby move or kick since Lacey and I don’t spend much time together. It isn’t that I’m not curious about it; I’m just careful not to cross an imaginary boundary line and upset her.

  “What are you thinking about?” she asks me, fingering my silver pendant.

  “Can I listen?”

  “To the baby?”

  “Yeah.”

  “If you want. Here . . .” She moves and adjusts so she’s lying on her back again. She lifts her nightshirt then places my hands on either side of her stomach. I move down and lay my ear against her warm skin.

  “I don’t hear anything.”

  “Maybe it’s sleeping.”

  “Maybe it’s tired or it’s faking sleep so you don’t call it Adelaide June again.” Her throat clears and I recognize this look. I’m about to get schooled. She has information I don’t have. “You know what it is, don’t you?”

  “Yes.”

  “How? When? Lacey, we agreed we wouldn’t find out.” I rise up to look at her, half-frustrated and half-excited.

  “I couldn’t help it! I’ve known for months. I’ve had two ultrasounds.”

  I fucking missed it. I was so busy avoiding the mother of my child, I missed the first chance to meet the baby. “I’m a horrible father.”

  “No, you’re not. We weren’t talking at the time and I didn’t bring it up after because, well, I don’t know. I just didn’t.�
��

  “So you know what it is.”

  “I told you this. Do you want to know?”

  “Yes.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “Lacey,” I growl, my fingertips dipping into the skin of her stomach.

  She laughs her answer, but when I hear it nothing is funny anymore. “You’re going to have a little girl.”

  Since Lacey told me she was pregnant, I didn’t dwell on that I would prefer, boy or girl. I only imagined it to be a screaming replica of the two of us and later become a pawn in our wage of war we constantly struggle through. Now, after meeting Toby and Marlee’s baby, I am not only nearing peace with it, I’m looking forward to meeting her.

  “A girl.”

  “Yes. I’ll let you process this for a few minutes,” she states, smiling down at me.

  “That could take months.”

  “Do you want to see her?”

  “What? No!”

  “Hayden!” She slaps my bare shoulder and sits up. “Not like that. Jesus, you’re sick . . . and a little creepy.”

  “How the fuck else am I going to see it, Lacey?”

  She shoves a picture frame at me, and in the dark of the room, I can’t make out what it is. She flips her reading lamp on and I study the picture but all I see is . . .”It’s a splotch.”

  “A what?”

  “It looks like mud. Take this back. This isn’t our baby.” I force her to take the picture from my hands.

  Lacey leans toward me, adjusts the picture, and hands it back. “You have it upside down. There, now look. That’s the head . . .”

  I cut her off, pushing her hand away, and stare at it. I see shadows of fingers, toes, a small nose, and long legs. My eyes dart to her stomach and back to the picture. I hear Lacey sigh as she lies back on the bed getting comfortable.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t remind you about appointments. I wasn’t sure you’d go, and I didn’t want you to feel forced into it.”

  “I’m sorry I missed them. Did you take Rae with you at least?”

  “No. I went alone.”

  “Why? She or someone would’ve gone with you.”

  Her head lifts from the pillow. I put the picture down on the table on my side of the bed as I hear her answer. “I didn’t want anyone meeting her until you got the chance. The others don’t know the sex either. I haven’t told them.”