Hayden's Verse

by A. C. Bextor

  “Oh, shit,” Travis says beside me.

  We hear Ace before he makes it to us. “Are we done here? Hayden, let’s go.”

  Following Marlee down the hall and up a flight of stairs has me winded. Not from physical exhaustion but because I’m nervous. I hadn’t had time to prepare for this today and I’d love nothing more than a minute alone, but it won’t happen.

  “Did anyone call my dad?”

  “I did. He’s on his way.” Marlee opens the doors to the maternity ward and puts her hand on my arm. “Relax, Hayden. She’ll need you to be calm.”

  The waiting room is as I thought it would be. Chaotic. Rae’s dad, Joseph, is playing on the floor with the kids. Toby is sitting in the chair with Jordan in his arms as she cries loud enough for Decklan to send her a disgusted glare. Sarah is standing next to Toby’s chair listing her sage teenage advice on how to handle the screaming child.

  Marlee takes my hand and introduces me to the nurse on duty while Travis and Ace leave me to help the others with the kids.

  “You’ve got this, Hayden,” Marlee says, looking to the room Lacey’s in. “It’ll be okay.”

  “I don’t know if I can . . .”

  We listen as Lacey releases a blood-curdling scream from the room away. “Too late.”

  As mentally prepared as I can be, I walk into the labor and delivery room to find Raegan sitting next to Lacey. Lacey’s hair is wet from the cloth Rae’s using to soothe her. Rae’s face is pale.

  “Lacey, Hayden’s here.”

  Lacey’s head comes to my direction and her eyes roll as she sits up, preparing for another labor pain. Her hand rests under her belly while the other clutches Rae’s hand. The nurse, an older lady with grey hair, a man’s body, and no personality, stands near her doing nothing.

  I rush to the side of the bed Rae’s not on and grab a metal hospital chair, pulling it close. My hand darts to Lacey’s back and the other grabs her hand. She’s squeezing hard.

  “What can I do?”

  Rae’s eyes go wide. “Don’t talk, Hayden. That’s important.”

  “Oh, my fucking God. This fucking hurts,” Lacey cries out. “Is she ready yet?” she asks the nurse now standing behind me, still doing nothing.

  “No, honey. Breathe through it.”

  I look to Rae across the bed and ask, “She can talk but not me?”

  “Hayden.” Rae says my name like she’s preparing me for serious trouble. Lacey ignores us both.

  “Only one of you two need to be in here. She needs to concentrate, and the doc is coming in to check her progress. Who’s staying?”

  “I am,” I tell the room.

  “I’ll go,” Rae says, nodding to the door and signaling for me to follow. I haven’t seen Rae since I hurt her in my anger and desperation. Now isn’t the time to apologize.

  I get up to follow Rae out as Lacey takes a few needed breaths.

  “She’s going to hurt your feelings.”

  “What?” I ask not understanding.

  “Whatever she says during the next few minutes or hours, don’t take personally.” I don’t say anything in response to Rae’s warning. I swallow hard and she smiles at my puzzled expression.

  “You’ll be fine.”

  “Are they going to do something for her pain?” I ask Rae. I’m too nervous to ask Lacey after Rae’s comment about her hurting my feelings.

  “They will, but it’s not time yet.”

  “Okay, thanks,” I reply as Rae kisses my cheek and turns to walk away.

  Before she’s out of sight, she stops and turns around. Smiling wide, she says loud enough for the others in the hall to hear, “Hope you’re ready for this, Daddy.”

  Mental note taken: Lacey has to find a new word when she’s not in the mood to fool around.

  When I turn back to the room to see Lacey, I notice she looks tired but content. “You okay?”

  “Comes and goes.”

  “What do you need from me?”

  “Candy.”

  The no-name nurse clears her throat, cocks her eyebrow, and shakes her head.

  “I don’t think they’ll let me bring in candy, Lace. Anything else?”

  “Hayden . . .” Lacey says, her voice dropping as she grabs my hand. Her face turns red as the pain increases and a few minutes later she relaxes again.

  “Maybe it’s time for the epidural. Scoot back, son. I’ll call Dr. Ames in.”

  *****

  After an hour of watching the monitors report Lacey’s contractions and listening to her curse me and my cock for its mere existence, as well as her cries of anguish that she’s going to be a bad mother, the doctor finally tells her it’s time.

  The epidural was a production all in itself. Lacey didn’t flinch once while they were administering her relief; she was in too much pain already from the violent contractions sweeping through her body.

  I felt pain, too. My body hurt for hers. It’s no comparison, I know this, but being on the outside and helpless to do anything about it creates a different kind of ache.

  “Lacey, we’re ready. Are you?”

  “Oh, thank fucking Hell. Yes!” she responds, looking toward the ceiling with relief.

  The nurse adjusts Lacey’s legs in the stirrups I hadn’t noticed were there and places the blanket over her thighs.

  “You’re going to need to help her count, okay? That’s your job. That’s the one job you have.” I don’t like this woman wearing yellow ducks on her white scrubs, but I nod my compliance and understanding anyway.

  “Hayden . . .” Lacey’s voice calls my attention. I turn to her and find her eyes watering but not from pain.

  “Yeah?”

  “I love you. I want you to know that before she gets here.”

  Putting my hand on her forehead, I swipe the beads of sweat and her matted hair to the side, “I love you, too.” My voice croaks with the words, sincere and genuine as they are. “I love you, Lacey.” I give her a quick, hard kiss but don’t have the chance to say any more.

  After I release her, the doctor tells her to start pushing. I do my part again and again, counting to ten as she pushes through it. I thought seeing Lacey with strep throat was achingly painful. This is so much worse.

  “One more time, Lacey. Make it count,” the doctor tells her encouragingly.

  Lacey’s eyes stay trained on mine as she gives it her all; certainty, determination, and resolve. The expression on her face also mirrors mine; worry, fear, and concern.

  “She’s here,” we hear the nurse say.

  Lacey lays her head back on the pillow, closing her eyes and allowing tears to freely fall. I stand to move closer to her and put my forehead on the side of hers. “You did good, Lacey. You did it.”

  “Is she okay?”

  “Ten fingers, ten toes, and lots of dark hair. Looks like her daddy from what I can tell. Either of you want to cut the cord?” the doctor asks, holding up a pair of scissors. I can’t see the baby in full view, but I take the scissors and cut the cord then bring my attention right back to Lacey.

  “I don’t hear her. I should hear her screaming,” she says with exertion.

  “Oh, you will.” Just as the doctor finishes wiping her face and suctioning her mouth and nose, my daughter screams. She screams loud and clear for a few long seconds.

  I stand completely, let go of Lacey, and walk over to where the baby is. She’s pissed. Her face is red and her small arms are shaking with every breath she gathers to continue her rant.

  She makes me breathless.

  “She’s perfect, Lacey. Oh, God.” I lose my voice to a soft whisper as I continue to stare down at her. “So fucking perfect.”

  I’m overwhelmed with emotions in meeting her for the first time. I ache to touch her small hands and run my finger down the arch of her little foot. Her fingers are pink and her nails are caked in white substance before the nurse cleans each, one after the other. Her toes are curled and her legs straighten then relax with each new burst of anger.


  She’s so beautiful.

  “What’s her name?” the nurse whispers. She’s watching me study my daughter for the first time.

  Her eyes open and close briefly, her lips are still. I don’t want to break the news to my new girl yet. Addie is the only name I’ll call her, if I’m forced.

  “Olivia Merit,” I hear Lacey respond to the nurse’s question.

  The name hits my chest with a familiar ease. “What did you say?”

  “I’ve named her, Hayden. I decided this morning.”

  “Olivia Merit.” I say the name out loud as the doctor walks to Lacey and places the baby on her stomach. I give Lacey a few seconds to examine her closely. “Are you sure that’s what you want?”

  Mom’s tears are streaming, one after the other as she touches parts of the baby here and there. Toes, fingers, ears, cheeks—one after the other. I reach to Lacey and wipe the tears from her chin and jaw. “Yes. I love the name and what it means to you.”

  “I love you,” I tell her. “So fucking much. Thank you.”

  For the first time since she held her, Lacey looks away from Olivia and to me. “You’re welcome.”

  “I’m going to go update everyone. You okay in here for a few minutes? I’ll be quick.”

  “Yeah, go. Tell them to go on home. I’m really tired, Hayden.”

  The nurse chimes in with what’s coming next. “Mom needs to try to breastfeed. Then we’ll be taking little Olivia here for a bath while Mom’s moved to her new suite.”

  “A bath?”

  The nurse smirks at me, making it obvious I know nothing. “Yes. She needs one; looks like Daddy could use one himself.”

  I look down at my clothes; I had forgotten what I must look like. “Right, okay.”

  Kissing Lacey’s forehead then Olivia’s, I stand and walk out to find my friends and tell them what I never thought I would.

  I have a beautiful baby girl.

  *****

  When I open the door to the waiting room, the first person I see pacing the room is Raegan. Her thumb is in her mouth and she appears to be biting her nail with tension. When she catches me standing at the door, she rushes toward me in a frenzy of panic and anticipation.

  “Finally! How is she?”

  I don’t answer but look around the room at the others who stare at me, waiting for the news. I realize before speaking, this is the proudest moment of my life, and I can’t imagine not having all of them to share it with.

  “She’s here. She just got here. She’s healthy and perfect.”

  Raegan grabs Marlee’s hand as Marlee now stands beside her. Ace and Travis greet me with a slap on the back, and Toby pulls me in for a strong hug. Sarah’s tears are streaming down her face as she sits in the chair across the room alone. She’s smiling.

  “Can we see her?” Rae questions after the group disbands to give me some space.

  “Yeah. I’ll bring her out in a bit.”

  “How’s Lacey? Can I see her?” Travis’s voice is tense.

  “She’s really good. Exhausted. She wants to rest soon.”

  “Hayden,” I hear my father’s voice call from behind me. I turn around and see him standing at the other door, his stance timid and quiet.

  “Dad,” I croak, feeling uneasy. I’m about to lose my shit in front of everyone. My throat is clogging and my eyes are burning with tears.

  I’ll never live this one down.

  My dad walks toward us and the others make way for him. When his arms reach out to me, I reciprocate and lean into him for a full embrace. Finally, I feel the effects of the day as they come rushing to the surface. Lacey is okay. Olivia is healthy. My dad is getting better by the day and my friends are all here. With my face planted in my dad’s shoulder, shielded from the others, I let out my own gut-wrenching sob of relief.

  “Hayden,” Dad says, his tone soft and gentle. “You’re happy, son,” he states, knowing I can’t answer yet. I shake my head in his shoulder and his large frame grasps me tighter. He slaps one hand on my back and cradles the back of my head with the other, holding me to him tightly.

  “I have someone here you all may like to meet,” I hear the nurse behind us and look back at her. She’s holding Olivia and smiling into the crowd. “No touching, though. We’re about to take her to get a bath. Mom’s tired and Dad needs to shower.” She looks at me and smirks. “But if you want to take a quick look, here’s your chance.”

  Rae and Marlee are the first to flank her, coming to her side in a rush.

  “Hayden! Look at all that beautiful hair!” Marlee exclaims as I wipe my eyes, trying not to let the others see me do it.

  “Isn’t she lovely?” Rae adds. “Isn’t she wonderful?” Ace and I share a look, knowing exactly where this is going before she continues. Our life has been surrounded by music, so we know lyrics starting before she thinks we do. “Isn’t she precious, less than one minute old?”

  Raegan Simmons is a closet nerd.

  “Rae, stop,” Ace clips. The rest of the lyrics finish in my head and now I’m resisting the urge to sing along with Stevie Wonder about how wonderful my daughter is.

  “Well, she is,” Rae says with petulance.

  “Don’t start,” Ace says, grabbing her around the shoulders. Rae smiles and buries her head in his side.

  “Okay, enough. Olivia needs a break. She’ll be back in about thirty minutes. Lacey’s asking for you. Go help her move to her new room,” the nurse tells me before turning around and walking away. “She told me to tell the rest of you she’ll see you after she sleeps.”

  “Olivia?” my dad questions, tears instantly filling his eyes. “You named her Olivia?”

  Rae covers her mouth with her hands and Marlee sighs heavily.

  “Lacey did. She named her Olivia Merit.”

  My dad looks to the floor before pulling himself together. “I can’t think of a more perfect name for your beautiful new baby girl, Hayden. Olivia Merit Flynn.”

  “Now I’m gonna cry again, damn it!” Sarah squeaks, rushing to me and wrapping her arms around my waist so hard I’m forced to catch her and take a step back.

  Travis walks to Sarah, grabs her from my arms and pulls her into him. He kisses the crown of her head through a smile and looks to Ace and me standing in front of him. “See what I’m sayin’ now? Women. Crazy.”

  Toby comes up behind Marlee, places his hands around her stomach and rests his chin on the top of her head. “Can’t live without ’em,” he states.

  “Rae, can I get a minute?” I ask before Ace is able to take her home.

  “Sure.”

  Pulling her by the elbow and out in the hall, I offer what I owe. “I wanted to apologize for what I said the other night,” I explain. “I was out of line and it was a shit thing to say. I didn’t mean it and I’m sorry.”

  She stares at me. Raegan is a thinker; she always has been. I know this about her, so I brace for her response. “An apology is nice. I appreciate it.”

  “But . . .”

  “You’re not done. You’ll make it up to me, though.”

  “Anything,” I tell her. “Whatever you need.”

  “Get your vocal cords ready,” she whispers before turning around and leaving me in the hallway alone.

  Fell right into that one.

  After I thank them and tell my friends goodbye, I find Lacey in her room already sleeping. It’s dark and the small light above her head is the only one on. The little box where Olivia sleeps isn’t far from the bed.

  I quietly take the seat across the room. The rocking chair is comfortable, so I relax into it and for the first time today close my eyes for a breath.

  A few minutes later, I hear the nurse come in. She’s situating Liv’s bedding and wrapping her up tight. “Look who’s awake.”

  The nurse places her in my arms and settles us before walking to Lacey and checking her vitals.

  I can’t see Liv as well as I could before, but she’s already so familiar. I’ve memorized most
of her small body. I know her yawns, stretches, and the way her eyes open and close only briefly before she falls back to sleep.

  I never thought it was possible to love another person so much it truly does hurt.

  *****

  Lacey

  I’m still so tired but the sound of Hayden’s murmur wakes me. The nurse stands at my side checking my chart. She’s smiling down and listening to what Hayden’s saying.

  He’s not talking to either of us. He’s talking to his daughter.

  “Baby Mine, don’t you cry.” His voice is whisper soft, fading in and out with each syllable. I listen closely and realizing he’s not talking to her, he’s singing to her.

  As he continues in the dark corner of the room, the nurse and I meet eyes as she stands at my side looking down. I hear her whisper, “Oh, my.”

  Our eyes dart back to the corner where Hayden continues to sing quietly while rocking with her back and forth. She’s lying on his chest and he’s looking down on her with adoration. His hands search her body and he adjusts the blanket every few seconds, checking to be sure her little body is covered and comfortable. Once the song is over, the nurse clears her throat and Hayden looks up.

  “I’ll be singing that song for the rest of my shift,” she tells him quietly. “God, that was sweet.”

  He grins shyly and repositions Olivia in his arms, cradling her close, and continues rocking.

  Once the nurse is satisfied I’m doing all right, she leaves Hayden and me alone. He doesn’t say anything for a few seconds so I watch him continue to rock back and forth.

  I break the silence first. “I’m beat.”

  “I’m happy.”

  “You really are,” I return. He looks like a proud, doting father without a care in the world.

  He clears his throat and drags one finger along Liv’s cheek softly. Then he runs all his fingers and his palm through her dark hair and bends his neck to kiss her forehead. I wonder to myself how many times he’s already done that since she’s been born.

  “Marry me.” The whispered words fill the small room with surprise.

  “What did you say?” I reply, not certain he meant to say them out loud.