by Ian Frazier
Please remit all surplus scratch A.S.A.P. to
[Discard.]
Dear Readers:
Sometimes, at the end of the column, I like to take a moment just to chat with you. You know, I receive three thousand to five thousand letters a week from you, and the vast majority of them are fine. You’re good, generous people, living hand to mouth—I salute you. I know what it is to have to work for a living, because I’ve seen people doing it; I’m sure we all have. I don’t resent your pleas for money. I give my full attention to each and every one, and then judge solely on the merits. Sherman Junior and daughter Carol and I sit in the afternoons in the office part of the house with mail just heaped around our feet. When a letter strikes us as particularly new in approach, we sometimes read it aloud. Every so often, one or more will really get to me. You may think that other rich people and I are very different from you. Well, we are and we aren’t. I’d like to explain what I mean with a little story.
Thirty years ago I was a young patent attorney.
Well, a lot has changed since then. Look around you. On every corner, individuals who think the world owes them a living. Check-bouncers, bill-dodgers, fare-jumpers, payment-skippers—the world owes them exactly what they deserve, which is precious little. Fortunately, ours is a system devised long ago by men far wiser than ourselves, which insures to those who possess wealth the power to keep it, and to those who don’t good wishes for the best of luck. You see, money, in and of itself, is important; but what is even more important is obtaining other money in addition. And far, far beyond either of these is the rich inner satisfaction. Supposedly, it is a feeling which no amount of money can buy.
The Afternoon of June 8, 1991
Those who adopt satanism come from all walks of life … . They include doctors, lawyers, professors, university presidents.
—Insight magazine
Hello and welcome—is this on?—hello and welcome to the ssbt sbt zzzzbt alumni and friends of Brainard bzzzt Brainard University, zzzbt and to all the wheeee ZZZZZZZZZ families of the class of ‘91. And to all of you new graduates zzzzZZZZZ ZAAA ZAAA AZAZEL AZAZEL ZZZzzzzb sitting down front in your elegant black caps and gowns, let me add—you made it! Ssssbt zzzzbt zzzeee b’zeee b’zeee zzzZA-MIEL this rain holds off awhile so we don’t have to move the ceremony into the gym. Wheeeeee Moloch, Moloch, serve him a special welcome to all the faculty emeriti—it’s good to have you back—nnnnnNERGAL BELIAL LAL-LAL-LAL also to the fiftieth anniversary class of ’41. Your special reunion drive raised enough non-earmarked zzzzzzzZZZZ sssssss SSSSSSAMMAEL SCRATCH SCRATCH funds for us to add some badly needed phet phet phet TOPHET phet phet to our physical plant. Many thanks from the entire Brainard University family.
-ily-ly-ly-ly eeeeeeee rely here at Brainard on the generosity of individual and corporate contributors ssssssSERPENT AHRIMANESsssss THAMUZzzzzzzz offset an alarming thirty-two-per-cent increase in costs bbbbbbbeeeelzebubbbbbb unfortunately, a projected shortfall of almost three million dollars. Your loyal support, which has had an enormous impact on our success, bab bab bab BAB BAB ABADDON enhance the quality of the learning experience at Brainard. Wheeeeeee wheeee eeeeee Old Nick Nick Nick a sombre note on this festive occasion, but in the face of unrelenting financial pressures bbbbbbbheeeee beasthood beasthood before the end of the fiscal year on June 30th.
Now for the good news. rrrrr RRRRRRROOOOO-AAAAARRRRRRrrrr HOW-OW-OW-WOW-WOW-WOW-RRRRRR rrrrrOW rrrrrrrrOW rrrrRAHAB RAHAB BAB BAB BAAL BAALIM BAALBERITH rrrrRRROARRR-RRRR awarded summa cum laude. OW OW OW POWERS-OF-THE-AIR magna cum laude, and nearly two hundred receiving the lesser but still very commendable degree of cum laude. In addition, we point with pride to the impressive number of graduates who will be receiving stipendiary hummm hummm hummmMMMMMMMMMMELCHOM RIMMON ASMODEUS APOLLYON CHEMOSH, ROBHES-THE-DOOR-DEMONNNNNNNNNNNNNN nearly half again as many as any university in the area. Again, ooooooooo eeeeeeeeee Shedim Ahriman Euronymous Erl-King swarming, swarming, many prestigious scholars in our tenured and non-tenured faculty.
[Takes drink of water. ]
Bzip bzeeeeeeeeeee bzeeeeeeeeeeee Beasssssst-Massssssster Beassssst-Massssssster generous bequest of Mr. and Mrs. Harry E. WAAAAAHHHHEEE MAW-WORM expansion of our media center and film department, construction to begin this hhhhhhhhhh-hhhhhh. The reHHHOOOOOOOVESsss zzzzzzzzz, a matching grant from our friends at Electric Boat. Let’s give them a round of rrreeeee-rrrrreeeee-reeee eee-EEEEEE EREBUS RHADAMANTHUS PRINCE-OF-DARKNESS HORNED-ONE UHN UHN UHN nnnnnn round of applause. We couldn’t do it without you.
[Bubbling hellmouth opens in earth in front of podium, then closes. ]
As I’m sure we all know only too well, the price of a college education HORROR THE HORROR-ROR-ROR-ROR over the last twenty years zzzz b’zzzzzzzzz b’zzzzzzzzz regrettable b’zzzzzzz Pazuzu-Prince-of Locustsssss, and will for the foreseeable future. Student tuitions actually cover only The-Insect-Inside-You-That-Wants-To-LIVE! which amounts to less than two-fifths of the actual sbt sbeeeee sbeee Baron SAMEDI-eeeeeeeee of every diploma awarded today. And of that two-fifths
[Deafening crack, as lightning hits overhead. Smell of sulfur.]
in long-term, interest-deferred federal tuition loans. Given the critical nature of the need, we have begun two highly lauded funding outreach programs. I wish I had more answers during this difficult ffffffffffffff Mephisto fffffffft ft pht Astaroth pht fffffff
[Whirlwind touches down in center aisle. Sparks from p.a. system.]
introduce our commencement speaker, Dr. Howard Hall. Born in Springfield, Dr. Hall made his first dollar as a child of six, when he convinced a playmate to purchase a toy he had made. After attending the public schools he matriculated at Brainard where
[Is skewered to floor by religious symbol falling from steeple of school chapel nearby. Prizes self loose, gets up. ]
and went on to earn his Master’s at CH-CH-CH-CHORONZON BLACK-RIDER and soon BEHEMOTH BELPHEGOR president of his own SEMJAZA BERALD BARALAMENSIS ADRAMMELECH-eck-eck private listings to realtors. BAL-BAL-BALDACHIENSIS PAU-MACHIE APOLOROSEDES unaffected by the Crash, luckily, ITEMON GENIO LUCIFUGE NAAMAHHHHHH after whom Hall Quadrangle is named. Please join me in giving him a nice
[Explodes into smoke.]
Have You Ever
To our valued policyholders:
As the nation’s only insurer providing basic health and liability coverage to single, married, and dependent characters in daytime television dramas, First Mutual Protagonist Life & Health is proud of its thirty-five years of service to this exciting community. At First Mutual, we understand the need of invented individuals for a variety of insurance products not offered by other carriers.
Recently, however, due to national economic factors, First Mutual has shared in an industry-wide downturn which threatens the high standard of performance we have always maintained. As a result, we are forced to reassess our present rate scales. Please fill out, sign, and return the appended questionnaire at your earliest convenience in order that we may find the new payment schedule right for you. Failure to do so may result in refund of balance remaining (if any) and full cancellation of your policy within sixty real-time calendar days.
I. PERSONAL HEALTH
(To be completed by all respondents)
Have you ever
1. suffered from amnesia?
2. taken a paternity test?
3. been declared legally dead?
4. undergone reconstructive surgery that changed facial features, height, weight, and/or hair color? (If any yes to 4, was condition accompanied by alteration of voice due to damage to laryngeal nerve?)
5. Have you ever had hysterical pregnancy
temporary blindness
six-week brain tumor
post-hypnotic trauma
fatal nerve disease
paralysis from waist down
pre-engagement
post-engagement
fainting spells
catatonia
supposed infertility
charact
er dysfunction
6. Did you ever emerge from a coma as Tab Hunter?
7. Are you subject to multiple personality or other disorder requiring medication?
8. Have you ever been hospitalized for substance abuse, delusions, or flashback?
9. Have you ever: married divorced remarried discovered former spouse had gotten pregnant by/impregnated you before divorce saw new baby wanted to be part of his/her life learned new baby had fatal illness slept with former spouse in order to conceive child in order to harvest its bone marrow in order to save life of child No. 1 harvested bone marrow from child No. 2 saved life of child No. 1 destroyed second marriage divorced remarried (previous) former spouse left town?
10. If any yes to 9, attach blood test and/or billing records.
11. Have you ever secretly photographed any individual and built a shrine to him/her in your room, house, or place of residence?
II. ACTUARIAL
All respondents please note that federal law prohibits refusal of coverage for any criterion not specifically outlined in section five of the licensing charter. However, because of statistically higher rates of implausible disappearance for nonwhite protagonists, First Mutual reserves the right to take into account previous storyline in the event of any such character’s revival or unlikely return.
1. Are you a mercenary or former mercenary?
2. Are you a former mercenary turned Buddhist monk, police detective, or related occupation?
3. Have you ever been in a crash? regular
fiery
4. Have you visited or resided in any of the following countries during the last eighteen months? Rio Blanco
San Cristobal
Puerto Grande
Monte Dinero
Suraban
Costa Maria
Santo Stephanico
Los Rios
5. If any yes to 4, state purpose of visit or residence: stage own kidnapping
other (explain)
6. Do you own a motorcycle, powerboat (150 hp and over), or purebred stallion/s?
7. (Respondents with $10,000,000/yr. personal income only) Is private jet equipped with fire extinguisher, smoke detector, and cabin-door latch inhibitor? Do grounds of estate include one or more pits, tunnels, mines, crypts, or permanently sealed rooms?
Is boathouse, bathhouse, gatehouse, or other important outbuilding lit by high-intensity mercury lamps of wattage totalling at least 5000? Does staircase landing adjoin route of access for health-care personnel?
Are gifts and floral displays at wedding reception or similar event subjected to screening by metal detector, X-ray, or thermal neutron analysis device?
Is patio, swim area, and/or moat fenced?
8. (Respondents under $10,000,000/yr. personal income) Are you a step-grandniece/nephew?
To the best of your knowledge and belief, do you have any undeclared blood relatives in your town, hospital, place of business, adjacent communities, or other location?
Do you possess valid driver’s or chauffeur’s license?
Does place of employment have office in Tokyo?
9. (Twins only) Hair
not fluffy
fluffy
Shirt collar
both tabs inside sweater
one tab out of sweater
Personality
twisted
outgoing
10. (M.D.s, psychiatrists, psychologists, administrators, and physical therapists only) Are you
married
single
Is spouse (if any) an electronics heir/heiress, mercenary or former mercenary, police detective, Buddhist monk, or related occupation?
Have you ever knowingly or unknowingly performed a medical procedure?
Have you recently been the recipient of any testimonial banquets, luncheons, awards, or surprise parties?
11. (Hookers and former hookers please see additional questionnaire sheets mailed under separate cover.)
12. (All respondents) Please state any and all previously existing conditions which may cause you to turn into somebody, or vice versa.
III. GENERAL
1. Are you now or have you ever been a general?
2. If yes, in which country (see above, section II-4)?
This is not a bill. Please do not include payment. If application is accepted, you will be informed by mail, at which time a new contract will be issued to you. All information contained in application will be treated confidentially by employees and assigns of insurer. When required, confidential information may also be supplied to its affiliates, reinsurers, contractors, and other interested parties, not exclusive of secret sworn enemies who have hated or feared applicant from childhood. Insurer declares itself not liable in cases of data theft, file removal, or unspecified acts of malice. Information will not otherwise be disclosed except as required by plot or supermarket tabloid.
Linton’s Whatnots
Sunset. The moors. A strong gale blowing.
CATHY: Oh, hold me, Heathcliff. Only in your arms am I truly happy. When Edgar Linton holds me I feel so cold.
HEATHCLIFF: Your husband can never love you, Cathy. He will never see how cruel and fine and free you are.
CATHY: Edgar Linton’s spirit is to mine as a small bedchamber washbasin to a great, deep millpond. The difference between us makes me tremble! Also, there’s his … his collection of novelty nutcrackers.
HEATHCLIFF: Linton, a collector? (Wild, anguished laugh) I should have expected it.
CATHY: He keeps them somewhere. In the tool cellar, I believe.
HEATHCLIFF: Ha! And I suppose they are all hand-carved.
CATHY: I believe so. You will have to ask him.
HEATHCLIFF: And hand-painted.
CATHY: Possibly. I hardly listen when he speaks of them.
HEATHCLIFF: From Tahiti, no doubt, and Guinea, and of sandalwood from the Leeward Islands.
CATHY: Again, I would not know. He has such a very great many.
HEATHCLIFF: I would think nothing of holding you this way even in the presence of Linton himself and all his damned novelty items!
(They kiss.)
“Hello, I’m Edgar Linton. Most of you know of the marital difficulties between my wife and myself. Others—more than a few, I hope—may recognize my name from certain monographs published in The Cots-wolds Hobbyist and elsewhere. Catherine, bless her (for I love her still, despite everything), never understood my nutcrackers. I do not begrudge her that, nor that she called my life’s hobby ‘tedious’! To her, of course, it was. To me, it was a joy shot through with bright threads of exotica and adventure, mine to pursue in my own home through the wonders of parcel post.
“I did not, and do not, keep them in any ‘tool cellar.’ I don’t know where she got that. The bulk of my collection is stored in a converted tack room below the conservatory, suitably cool and dry, fitted on three sides with sliding shelves in mahogany cases. To oversimplify rather drastically, all nutcrackers can be divided into two categories: those made of wood, and those made of other materials, such as stone, metal, or ivory. The larger number by far are of wood, hardwoods such as teak and walnut being preferred, inasmuch as you cannot crack a nut with soft woods like cypress or pine. Swelling and warping cause wooden parts—screw or lever mechanisms, often artfully, artfully carved—to jam. For this reason, low-moisture storage rooms are required.
“Now, as to the objects themselves. This one here is a favorite. You simply grasp the ankles like so, insert any nut you like (except perhaps a Brazil nut), and—You see? Rather neat. Or, again, you have this model, in which you grasp the back part, here, and the front part, here, insert the nut, turn in opposite directions, and crack. Seen from a distance, both of these make quite striking statuettes, if you prop them against something to keep them from falling over. This next one, as you see, is jointed at both the knees and middle, so that it can accommodate two or more nuts and shatter all at a go when you press upon the topknot.
“Here is one that Catheri
ne particularly disliked. Something about the accuracy of the detail, I suppose, or the expression of the features. I was disappointed, of course, but I had grown used to her reactions. She set her jaw and turned away, forgetting for the moment to disguise that slight double chin I so adored. I knew she was only tolerating me, that every moment she spent viewing my collection her thoughts were with him to whom she was longing to fly. Really, she never gave the nutcrackers much of a show. The cleverness of this one’s hinge, the way it duplicates an anatomical part, was lost on her. (What is even more saddening is that I am absolutely positive she would have loved this or any of the others if only she’d relaxed a bit.) She stood and listened for as long as she could bear, then muttered an excuse and hurried upstairs. Soon I heard from the room above me the faint sounds of her departure. I could imagine the passion of their meeting, her caresses more intense for the tiresome half hour I had made her endure. I filled the lamp with coal oil, the costlier, smokeless kind, and prepared for an evening of cataloguing.
“During these troubles I continued to be grateful for the kind solace and understanding of Dr. and Mrs. Hiram Ennis, of Philadelphia, U.S.A. Fellow-collectors will remember the Ennises well, although they are unknown to wider fame. Hiram and Marguerite, your devotion reminds me that the friends one makes collecting nutcrackers are friends indeed. Further, I would like to thank nutcracker fanciers Mr. Ulrich Link, of Ulm, Germany; Mr. Philip Clausing, of Austria; Mme. Berthe Olivet and her son Bertrand, of Paris; the Misses Buckingham, of Devon; and Mr. Frank McEachern, of the American firm of McEachern Nuts & Savories, Inc. Faithful friends, all! You must have known, or suspected, what was going on between Catherine and me and—him. I deeply appreciate the tact which kept all reference to my situation out of our newsletter.”
