by Ian Frazier
Dr. and Mrs. Ennis were on a collecting tour of the Southwest, and could not be reached. Mr. Frank McEachern submitted the following, on stationery with the company letterhead:
“Ed Linton has the best collection of nutcrackers in the world. In fact, it is so far superior nothing else comes close. His holdings in Modern Calisthenics pieces alone are better than most museums’. I have offered Ed prices five times list and more for’crackers to add to our collection here at our main office, but he always refuses. He loves his hobby too much to profit from it. In a sense, Ed is nutcracker collecting. I’ve never met the wife. Of course, I don’t know this other fellow she was mixed up with, but I can assure you that Ed’s worth a hundred of him, whoever he is. Once—I couldn’t help myself—I even wrote Mrs. Linton a letter and said so, in the plainest terms.”
Mrs. Edgar Linton
Thrushcross Grange, etc.
England
Personal and Confidential
Dear Mrs. Linton,
Although I feel it is hardly my place, under the circumstances, to speak of such things as pertain to intimacies between a husband and wife, and although I do not know you at all well—indeed, have never met you—yet I feel more than compelled to write to you, not, as I say, without certain doubts and reservations. Your husband is a fine man. Do you think you might use your influence to persuade him to part with a few of his nutcrackers, namely, the ones that look like ladies in gymnastic costume?
Cathy replied by return post.
“I informed Mr. McEachern that if he ever attempted to write to me again, I would alert officials of the Board of Customs. Edgar, the coward! That he should waste his youth, and mine, corresponding with these types—Oh, Heathcliff, if you only knew how I suffered! But you were gone, and I was left for long, empty days with him and his whatnots. How I hated them, except for the ones—oh, you know, the ones with the little huntsman. I am sure you recall them. I asked Edgar if I could set them on the spinet. With the little huntsman with the musket? A sort of spring device catapulted the nut from the musket into the hole in the hollow tree, where there was a movable squirrel, or several. Aside from those, Edgar’s collection excited in me the strongest loathing. Those, and the ones in the shape of pug dogs. And the little banty roosters. My darling, my truer soul, my second spirit! You grew up wild as a bramble on the common, you never had such curios for your distraction. How they would have fallen to pieces under your rough fingers, how you would have strewn filbert shells everywhere, caring not for those who might be barefoot but of tenderer hide than yours, in which number I must include myself.”
Heathcliff:
“Fiends of hell torment me at the memory! I recall the dull afternoon, the spinet dusty with disuse, and—ah!—Cathy’s smooth and round hand holding that damned kickshaw of Linton’s, although I should mention that the weapon the wretched huntsman in question aimed at the squirrel-infested stump was a crossbow, unmistakably, and nothing like a musket. I nearly took my blackthorn stick and smashed the thing to atoms, and the rest of the nutcracker menagerie in its belowstairs den or wherever it might be. I know he also had a few that went everywhere with him in the boot of his carriage, which he would haul out in one village or another and show to the populace, for what purpose I cannot tell, and those I wished to hurl beneath his wheels and scatter in splinters across the paving stones. Cathy, my Cathy! I hear the wild music of her voice, I see her graceful form as she operates that gadget, shelling nutmeats as the twilight descends, piling up far more than any ten people could eat.
“Write to me, ye ardor-starved hobbyists, Squire McEachern and your crew, and I’ll commit your inky pages to my parlor fire, and warm my slippers with ’em. I crack nuts with my own strong back teeth, nothing more, or by stomping down with my bootheels, or hard in the crook of my right arm, if need be, and scoff at your mechanistical go-devils.”
EPILOGUE:
Nutcracker fanciers did indeed take Mr. Heathcliff up on his challenge, and wrote to him in such numbers as to strain the local postal service. Rather than burning all the letters, Mr. Heathcliff read one or two at idle moments, then scratched a few brief responses, and thus began a lively correspondence with Mr. Ulrich Link, of Ulm, Germany, which went from enmity, to growing respect, and finally to warm friendship, which continues today.
Cathy died, but not seriously. Edgar Linton made the (for him) unprecedented decision to allow a portion of his collection to tour the Continent and the eastern United States, with stops in all the major cities. From the revenues received, he was able to purchase some unusual cigar trimmers seized from a tobacconist for nonpayment of tariff. After a reasonable period of mourning, he began to look for a companion whose interests more closely matched his own.
Issues and Non-issues
Summary: In May, the American Prosperity Foundation, Inc., an office-based sampling organization, chose from a preselected group a smaller group, which it believed was unusually significant. Then professionals took that subset and divided it even further. At issue was whether an issue was an issue or a non-issue. On certain issues/non-issues, disagreement was so small as to be statistically negligible. For example:
ISSUE NON-ISSUE
My taxes Your taxes
So far, so good. Other i/non-i inquiries, while less clear-cut, nevertheless fell within an acceptable margin of certainty—where acceptable certainty was taken to be a percentage greater than sixty-six, or slightly more than America’s ninety-three million television households.
I NON-I
The Russian Suicide
Death Chair Regular chairs
So far, so good. However, what were researchers to do in cases like the following?
I (NON-I) NON-I(I)
“She’s the Sheriff” “Turner & Hooch”
If the first was designated an issue, although possibly not, in the judgment of many respondents, and the second was definitely not an issue except insofar as the first one was (albeit to a lesser degree), what then? The question seemed to lop the entire procedure off at the knees, and progress stalled.
Enter Nils Garrickson, a twenty-five-year-old wunderkind trained in the emerging science of cybernetics.
Unfortunately, he was fired, leaving us right back at square one. Then they brought in somebody else, Tom somebody. He also got fired. Then they brought in Marcie, who was more or less kicked upstairs from Accounting. What she did, first off, was to go through all the non-issues and take a whole new look just at them. She found, to her surprise, that many did not strictly qualify as non-issues at all, but included a sprinkling of pseudo-issues, sub-issues, secondary issues, meta-issues, and dead issues, as well as one or two real serious issues that had somehow been misfiled. Now we were getting somewhere. Printouts of the new, culled list of non-issues were issued to every department head. Marcie’s managerial style was hands-on, direct, and at times confrontational. Part Welsh, part Greek, with a slight mustache and a big, strapping form, she got the most from her smaller male associates. First off, she established a standard of “i/non-i-ness,” based on the following model:
I NON-I
Golf junkets Miniature-golf junkets
Later quantifying the standard by means of a simple algebraic formula (included in work sheet), she received the Nobel Prize.
At the time, my department was working on an issue for which we had not yet found a corresponding non-issue:
I NON-I
Sex in the
workplace ?
I had run through all the non-i tables without success, and Marcie was becoming impatient. One Easter I stayed over just to get some hours to myself on the computer. Monday morning rolled around and I hadn’t had a chance to go home and shower. Suddenly it hit me! I ran into Marcie’s office. She was watering her plants. She’d just arrived. Puzzled, she looked up as I scrawled on her blackboard:
I NON-I
Sex in the
workplace Sex in the
fireplace
Marcie plugged the coördi
nates into her formula—and, sure enough, they checked out. We examined our figures again and again to make absolutely certain. Overjoyed, we reviewed my data sheets to see if they contained any discoveries that might be patentable, and we found plenty.
From then on, everything seemed to happen at once. Funding poured in. People had been waiting for a system that could reliably provide non-issues for any issues that came up, and vice versa. Now we had that system in place, with an exclusive seventeen-year license worldwide. In short order, we were able to engineer the following i/non-i couplings:
I NON-I
Scofflaw diplomats Diplomats in general
Gangsta rap Gangsta gift wrap
The B-1 bomber The B-flat bomber
Young Elvis, old Elvis Old Elvis, dead Elvis
Each of these produced revenues for the foundation well in excess of thirty-five hundred dollars. Everyone began to look forward to going to work in the mornings. Staffers took each other out to lunch and splurged on health insurance. Every day, it seemed like, someone was coming up with a new “eureka” and shooting off a Roman candle in the commissary.
Then, one afternoon just before quitting time—we’d been getting along so well, and our system was working so beautifully!—Marcie fired me. The first thought that ran through my mind was, Never sleep with someone from the office! Of course, I hadn’t slept with anyone, but that was small comfort now. As she turned to leave my cubicle and stepped into the hall, someone fired her. Then the guy who fired her heard his phone ringing and, when he picked it up, learned he had been fired. I cleaned out my desk and fired some people and went home, only to find a message on my machine from Personnel telling me I’d been rehired. But that turned out to be an error: the next day I received official notification that I’d been fired.
Naturally, the stage was now set for Nils Garrickson, Part Two. He was calling himself Nilsa and was taking a whole new approach. Apparently he/she had obtained some funds for a business to warehouse closed issues which technicians would then attempt to reopen. NilsCo offered me a flat daily rate, no benefits, everything off the books. Some of the issues I was working with were so closed that I was forced to resort to procedures which were bad science, even dangerous. Once or twice I managed to turn a closed issue into a fuzzy issue, but that was about it. After a few months, I quit.
I sat at home collecting unemployment and waiting for my phone to ring. Meanwhile, the world moved farther away from the old i/non-i classical polarities in which I had been trained. Some would say that it had never conformed to our model to begin with, and perhaps they would be right. The rare piecework assignments I picked up almost never involved a good textbook non-issue—just issues that someone wanted me to skirt or talk around.
Now, as I look back over my career, I realize that issues versus non-issues, as an issue, is something of a false issue. We all get caught up in discussion of the issues, and we try to use reason, and it’s such a waste. Our country is being destroyed. Focussing on our differences blinds us to an evil that threatens everything we’ve worked for and cherish. In addition, we must try to develop a new mode that defines issues less in terms of what they are not (or are). This can sound more complicated than it really is, if only we break it down, which can be done easily by someone with the proper theoretical tools.
Line 46a
“The government gave her a choice. Death. Or life as an assassin.”
—From the ad for the movie Point of No Return
Dear Taxpayer:
As Commissioner of Internal Revenue, I would like to take a moment to familiarize you with new tax laws that will affect all those filing Form 1040, Schedules A through SE. Please note that, as of this year, taxpayers filing single or joint returns are provided with the option of checking one of two boxes on Line 46a. (Miscellaneous Credits). You may check either the box marked “Yes” in the first category or the box marked “Yes” in the second category. If filing jointly, your spouse must also check one of these two boxes. Selection of a category is required of all taxpayers.
Frequently asked questions:
What tax benefits will I receive if I check “Yes” in the first category?
Within thirty days, you will receive a mailing from your local I.R.S. office, as a result of which you will die. Should your death occur in a year in which you already have tax liability, the anticipated decrease in income will keep that liability close to the previous amount. For this reason, taxpayers choosing the first category are encouraged to file early.
What if I check “Yes” in the second category? What happens then?
We realize that tax laws are complex and sometimes frustrating. In an effort to streamline bureaucratic procedures, we ask all who decide that the second category makes better tax sense for them to call one of several phone numbers listed on page 28 of the instruction booklet. A representative will record your Social Security number and describe a preselected individual or group of individuals to you. When the next filing deadline comes around, you will fill out your return as usual, indicate your eligibility for tax credit, and enclose check or money order payable to Internal Revenue Service. Be sure to list victim’s name and taxpayer identification number on your payment.
How soon do I get my refund?
You’ll get your refund soon enough—from four to eight weeks, depending on time of filing. You don’t have to worry about that.
What if I am unable to choose a category on Line 46a? Are there any other options available to me?
No. As per Section 5 of the Choices Offered to Citizens by Government act, these choices are the only ones you have. In certain instances, preselected taxpayers may be able to choose both categories, but not for longer than one calendar year. If you are unable to choose, an I.R.S. representative will compute your choice for you.
Can I apply for an extension?
You or your tax preparer may, if unable to file by deadline, apply for an extension by submitting Form 4868, Application for Automatic Extension of Time (due April 15). An extension of four months may be granted, provided you have already chosen a category on Line 46a.
I’m single, live alone, and have no dependents.
Perfect. If you choose the first category, you will retain your one exemption (yourself) for that tax year regardless of the date on which your death occurs, as long as it is on or before December 31. If you choose the second category, you will be able to move about freely, store materials in your house or apartment, and amass a paper trail of deductible long-distance travel expenses, which will lower your tax bill still further. From a tax standpoint, you win either way.
What if I choose a category and then change my mind?
All taxpayers are permitted to file an amended return up until six months from the filing date, after which time their decision is regarded as final.
I’m a first-time filer. What if I miss?
Read Step 4, “How to Avoid Common Mistakes,” found on page 9. It will assist you in important procedures, such as finding street addresses and calculating daily routine. If you need additional help, you may call your local I.R.S. office. (Note: To make sure that you receive deniable service, two or more I.R.S. representatives sometimes listen in on calls.)
The government—not just the United States of America but the government in general—could not function without the voluntary compliance of millions of citizens like you. You deserve excellence in the service that we in the government provide. We understand your need for simplification and paperwork reduction. We, too, are ordinary taxpayers in most cases. Without your taxes and prompt selection of a category on Line 46a, we would not be able to do a number of things that the government has to do: provide essential social services; fund projects; build bridges, cul-de-sacs, and roads; and regulate interstate trade. In return, you have a right to expect that what happens to you will be applied fairly and across the board. We are reaching out to bring noncompliers back into the program, to insure that everyone does his or her part. We are vigorousl
y pursuing enforcement of category choice, so that every citizen receives no fewer than two categories to choose from, and no more.
Our goal is full compliance from every citizen by the end of the decade. You will make this easier by filing voluntarily and without frivolous objection. Your decision, whatever it may be, will help us to see a little farther into the future, to a day when the government can do away with such necessities. Thank you again for making the only choice you can.
Dial W-H-Y W-O-R-K
Thank you for calling the No-Show Jobs Hotline. If you are interested in no-show or seldom-show employment with state, federal, or other agencies, and are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line and a representative will assist you. If you are calling from a touch-tone phone, please press “1.”
If you are inquiring about the job as Part-Time Counsel to the State Assembly Committee on Federal-State Relations, you must first submit to a brief interview. Do you possess a valid degree from an accredited school? (If the answer is “yes,” press “1.”) Are you over the age of twenty-one? (If the answer is “yes,” press “1.”) Do you possess an answering machine? (If “yes,” press “1.”) Congratulations—you’re hired! Salary checks will be issued on the first and fifteenth of every month, delivered to you by next-day express or wired directly to your bank account, as you request.
