by Jerry Cole
“No,” he said.
She seemed a little surprised. She had probably been expecting his increased vigor to be due to a woman. “You seem better for it,” she insisted.
"It was from a young man," Edmond replied. "He has invited me to come and stay with him some time."
"Your friend from the Elridge house? The one you wrote to?" she asked. "He must be a charming young fellow, Sir." She was all but beaming now. “It is most excellent that you have found someone to connect with.”
He nodded. “Indeed. It has been a long time that I have not counted anyone as a friend. I enjoy his company.”
She could not possibly understand what it was that he was going through. And yet it felt as though she understood his feelings, even if not his motivations. She understood that Theodore meant an awful lot to Edmond, meant Edmond’s happiness, even if she could not possibly fathom the reason.
“I am thinking of visiting him,” Edmond said, pausing and staring into his cup of tea, the milk swirling around, forming smoke-like patterns.
"Go," she said with a slight sigh. "I miss you during your absence, Sir, and yet I know that you must go there. You may even see your lady friend."
Edmond nodded. “I might.” He had to stifle a laugh at the situation.
As Mrs. Hubble carried on attending to him over breakfast, she seemed satisfied with her analysis. How was she to know that Edmond was so terribly broken? No, she could assume the best of him. He had never realized just how easy it was to hide such perversions. Were Theodore a woman, the assumption would immediately be that Edmond was showing interest in her. As things were, Edmond’s love was so taboo that it didn’t even occur to the person who knew him best, in the most blatantly obvious of circumstances. Perhaps it would not be so difficult to hide their actions from society at large.
“Perhaps, even, you may ask your friends to invite her round?” Mrs. Hubble asked. “Send a letter ahead, and they will be able to get in touch with her before you even arrive.”
"I cannot bother them over such trivialities," he said, suddenly scared of what he might do or feel if he were to return to the Elridge house, and petrified of what may happen were anyone to find out that his supposed lady interest was not a lady. “Besides, as I said, she is not the sort of person I could be in a civilized relationship with.”
"I suppose that I was hoping, perhaps the emotions would be dispelled should Your Grace see her again in a new light," Mrs. Hubble said. “Sometimes separation causes us to form an idealized image of a person. We remember only the best. When that illusion is shattered by reality, it can be easier to move away from inappropriate feelings.”
Edmond froze for a moment. He sipped his tea thoughtfully. “Do you speak from experience, Mrs. Hubble?”
“Perhaps,” she replied with the sort of tone that suggested it would be highly impudent to press her any further.
Edmond was hesitant. He wanted to go back so very badly. He wanted to be with his "lady". He had been hiding from that desire out of fear that Theodore would be everything Edmond remembered. Mrs. Hubble’s point had given him a new angle from which to see the situation. Perhaps he would be able to dispel the emotions that were growing. She was correct: if anything, his fantasies were more powerful than what any reality may be. It made sense to go now.
If Theodore was not as Edmond recalled him, then there would be no trouble at all. And if Theodore were exactly as Edmond recalled him... Then Theodore would be worth any trials or pains Edmond had to suffer.
"I shall require some supplies for a new journey down to the Elridge house," he said. "A few simple things, not much."
Mrs. Hubble smiled broadly. “I shall order them to be purchased immediately.”
“I would like to go myself,” Edmond said.
“Would you not rather stay home and rest up for your journey, Sir?”
"No, I could do with the fresh air," he said. "It isn't much to get, and there are other things that need doing. I shall manage."
She nodded. “Of course.” She didn’t speak another word as he left the room.
Putting on his coat, he wondered why he was even doing this. He needed nothing. And yet he could not appear empty handed. That could not be the only reason. Something was just compelling him to head out.
"There are plenty of wines in the cellar for your friends, Sir," Mrs. Hubble said with a smile as she placed his town shoes by his hallway chair.
“I would rather get them something personally,” he said with a grin. “But please do pack up a nice bottle for Mr. Elridge, I am sure he would appreciate it as an addition to my gifts.”
Mrs. Hubble nodded, curtsied, and set off on her tasks.
Edmond was not sure how he would have managed life without her guidance. Within a few minutes she had returned.
Mrs. Hubble handed him a small coin purse, the one he usually took with him during his walks. "Do not forget this. Buy the lady some roses."
Edmond laughed.
She knew. She understood. And, above all, she was right. Edmond needed to get something nice for Theodore. He had not planned on purchasing anything in town, however. He intended to get some flowers for Theodore when he was closer. Make sure they are fresh.
But nearly as soon as he was walking down the street, his eyes landed on a florist that was still open, its windows displaying huge bouquets of bright red and orange roses, as though a sign. Theodore probably didn't want anything like flowers, but he would appreciate the kindness of the gesture, the emotions behind it. He would like them. Edmond would get some roses for Theodore as soon as he arrived. Something beautiful and delicate, like the love he was trying to deny with every beat of his heart and every breath of air in his lungs.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Theodore had not expected Edmond to arrive so soon. Or to arrive at all, to be fair. He had thought that the Earl would avoid Theodore’s presence for all time, not seek it out any time soon.
Despite all this, it was undeniable that Edmond stood in the doorway to the library, slightly awkward as he greeted the tutor.
"You're not the children," Theodore said with a nervous laugh, his eyes landing on the bouquet of roses in Edmond's hand.
"I suppose not," Edmond replied, also seeming nervous. “I simply thought you would appreciate a gift to brighten up your work space.” He coughed a little.
Well, he was right in that regard. Theodore very much appreciated the bright orange roses that had been so carefully selected with him in mind. And he knew they meant more than simply a gift from a friend to another friend for his desk. The unspoken meaning was so much more than the conventional one.
"I had not been expecting you," Theodore said with a faint smile. "I was supposed to be teaching the children mathematics in ten minutes."
"You can teach me mathematics, heaven knows I forgot most of it as soon as I came of age," Edmond replied with a laugh.
“I suppose I could. I doubt I am qualified to,” Theodore said.
Edmond shrugged. “If you are qualified to tutor a five-year-old, you are qualified to tutor me.”
“You are too harsh on yourself, Your Grace,” Theodore insisted with exaggerated affectation.
Edmond chuckled a little at that but said nothing.
“I suppose if you would like me to teach you, there are a few lessons I could arrange,” Theodore said, standing up and taking the roses from Edmond’s hand, placing the bunch down on the desk, a few petals falling across the open books.
Theodore looked about, right and left, making sure they were alone, then leaned in and kissed Edmond gently, relishing the warmth of Edmond's lips. Edmond seized up for a moment, then kissed back with a sigh. It was heaven.
Parting, they stayed like that a moment, looking at one another, still somehow shocked at what they had done. No matter how many times it happened, the impact never wore off for Theodore.
"I missed you so very, very much," Theodore said, gasping for air, gazing into Edmond's gray eyes as he felt h
is mind grow dizzy. “I am glad you returned to me. I suppose you missed me a little also?”
"Of course I missed you, although I should never have," Edmond replied with a sigh. "I should not have felt so empty without you. And I should not feel so relieved and excited to return to you. But what should be and what is are rarely the same.”
Edmond leaned over the desk and took a single orange bloom, breaking the stem and tucking it gently into Theodore’s button hole. Theodore noticed that Edmond had scratched his thumb on the thorns. Seizing the Earl’s hand, the tutor kissed the single drop of blood away.
“You ought not- We ought not act in such a manner,” Edmond said, pulling his hand back.
"Why not? What have we done that is wrong?" Theodore replied, moving back and caressing the rose in his button hole. "Nobody shall ever know. It is not as though anyone suspects anything."
Edmond leaned in and kissed Theodore again, moaning softly as he pulled Theodore in close, pressing their bodies together. Theodore could feel them both getting lost in the moment. "I love you," Edmond said, his voice almost lost, his whispers were so quiet. "I am so sorry that I love you."
"I love you and I am not sorry for a single second of it, Your Grace," Theodore said, running his fingers through Edmond's hair. “I cannot help but adore you with every part of my being, and I shall never apologize for that, because you are worthy of my adoration.”
Theodore was somewhat surprised when Edmond leaned in for another kiss, Edmond’s hand grasping Theodore’s behind, pushing their hips together. It seems the separation had made them aware of just how much they meant to one another.
Edmond was beside himself, lost in emotions and passion. And, knowing this, Theodore wanted to let go too and enjoy their time in each other's arms. He slid his hands between Edmond’s coat and his shirt, feeling Edmond’s waist and back through the thin fabric, wanting to explore his lover’s beautiful body again already.
"What if we are seen?" Edmond asked, breaking the kiss suddenly and looking to the still open door.
Theodore looked up. "We should go to my quarters, then."
"Or perhaps we should not,” Edmond said. “You have a lesson with the children and-”
“I shall arrange to have it later this afternoon,” Theodore replied curtly. “A meeting with a good friend – an Earl, no less – should take priority over my work.”
“Not just that,” Edmond said.
“What more?” Theodore asked, making a point of toying with the buttons on Edmond’s shirt.
"We should not lay with a man as with a woman," Edmond said, face flushed, looking up at the light streaming in through the library window.
"But we shall not lay as one would with a woman," Theodore replied with a slight smirk. "I do believe it is physiologically impossible for us to do so. There is no concern there."
Edmond failed to stifle a laugh, and it came out somewhat choked, bringing on a series of short coughs.
Theodore could not help but chuckle at Edmond’s nervous reaction. Edmond was so sweet sometimes, so tender and lovely like an awkward fawn learning its first steps.
Edmond, finally recovering, shrugged a little. “I suppose we ought to leave for your room, then,” he said, face flushing as the Earl attempted to feign a level of confidence he clearly did not possess.
Leading Edmond to his quarters, Theodore could scarcely hold back his excitement. As soon as they were inside the door, Theodore was ready to leap on Edmond. He was surprised when Edmond moved first, grabbing Theodore by the waist and pulling their bodies close, starting a passionate kiss.
It was entrancing. Scary and yet thrilling. Theodore laughed nervously into the kiss. He had not expected Edmond to make such an effort to take the lead. They sat on the edge of the bed and continued kissing and caressing one another, too eager to take their time, too wary of making noise to rush it.
Theodore gasped as he felt Edmond removing his clothes, hands roaming all over his body. "Yes, please do," he said, leaning down and gently biting Edmond's neck. It was instinctive, like his every movement was being carried out from outside his body, or like he had been evicted and his own body was working without him. Theodore, feeling the novelty of Edmond’s initiative wearing off, pushed the Earl back onto the bed hard. Edmond gasped.
Edmond looked so beautiful. Flushed cheeks, confused expression, a little sheen of perspiration across his forehead already, blond hair a mess. His confidence swept out from beneath him, Edmond smiled sheepishly. Theodore leaned in and pressed their lips together hard, slowly sliding a leg over Edmond, straddling him.
“I thought you had become a big bold man who would stop at nothing to take that which he desires,” Theodore said in a half mocking tone.
Edmond laughed gently. “I have precisely who I desire,” he replied.
Theodore rocked his hips, pressing their crotches together. “I see that,” he whispered back.
Edmond felt hard and ready beneath Theodore's body. It was something they both needed now, something they hungered for. And, for once, Edmond was not protesting, saying it was something that ought not happen, looking away or trying to act as though he were not present in his own form. For once, Edmond seemed to be into it.
Theodore did not know how long they would have before someone arrived. They would not have too long either way, with lessons resuming later. But an uninvited interruption could happen at any time.
As though the universe could read their minds, footsteps echoed down the empty hall beyond Theodore’s door. Both young men froze, glancing at one another as though to confirm that both had heard the same sound. Edmond grew pale.
The footsteps rustled outside and they remained absolutely still, holding their breath, both anticipating a knock at the door, or a call from someone. Theodore found it oddly thrilling, but every time he glanced down at Edmond’s terrified face, he was reminded of the true severity of their situation. This was not something to take lightly.
A knock at the door. Theodore stifled a nervous laugh. Edmond swallowed hard.
“Yes? Who goes?” Theodore asked.
“It is I,” Mrs. Elridge’s voice returned from beyond the door. “Have you seen our guest His Grace Earl Thanet?”
“He is here with me,” Theodore said, feeling Edmond tense up beneath him. Theodore leaned in beside Edmond’s ear. “Trust me, we must act as though nothing is amiss,” he whispered.
“Oh, good, I was worried as to where Your Grace might be,” she replied with obvious relief. “Would you both like to join Mr. Elridge and I in a walk about the gardens?”
"We are occupied," Theodore said. "I will see you shortly. I am very sorry for any inconvenience, madam."
"I see. Enjoy your time together," she said, sounding a little indignant at Theodore’s bluntness as well as Theodore’s speaking over Edmond.
Nevertheless, she left without further complaint. The door had not opened. They both breathed a sigh of relief, then burst into nervous giggles, burying their faces in each other's shoulders with a deep sigh.
“She sounded angry,” Edmond said.
“You vastly outrank her. Although I am her servant, if you demand my company and friendship, she will have to respect your decisions,” Theodore explained.
“Even so, it must be unwise to let her attempt to make connections on her own,” Edmond said.
Theodore shook his head, leaning in to kiss Edmond gently on the cheek. “She shall assume the best-case scenario, until proven otherwise, as she cannot afford not to.”
As they resumed where they had left off, Theodore felt a twinge of doubt. He had felt so much more confident when he was the one persuading Edmond of what was right or wrong. So much less so when it came to persuading himself, or the rest of society. Edmond would eventually give in to what came naturally to people like them. But other people would not be so easy to convince. They experienced no such desires, they had been always told that these desires were unnatural, aberrations, and evil. It was in the best i
nterests of people such as the Elridges to condemn acts of sodomy whenever they saw evidence of them.
There would be no way of explaining this, should someone walk in. No way of keeping it secret forever; as soon as one person knew, the whole world could easily find out…
Edmond paused, seemingly on the same train of thought. “What if someone were to simply burst in?”
“They would not intrude on an Earl’s privacy,” Theodore said.
“But what if they would?” Edmond insisted.
Theodore sighed heavily. "I am not certain that they would tolerate the presence of a woman in my bed," Theodore replied. "The presence of a man might be a slightly greater inconvenience. Although I suppose if they come in at a good moment, I might be able to say we were simply talking."
"I have not had many conversations that took place in this position. Not any conversations, truth be told, like this one," Edmond replied, laughing a little.
“No, but I am sure, should we hear the cavalry breaking down the door, we would have enough time to wrap ourselves in gowns and sit at least three feet apart,” Theodore said.
Edmond smiled. “Yes, we would.”
They kissed again, feeling the deep longing and need building up once again. But with what had just happened, the tension was worse than before. The urgency was pressing now.
Edmond held Theodore close, his huge strong arms pinning the younger man down on top of Edmond, their chests pressed firmly together, and holding him there. Theodore felt protected. It was so warm and safe, so lovely.
Theodore leaned in for another kiss, stopping a second away. "Wait one moment," he said, an idea forming quickly.
As Edmond released him, Theodore moved over to the door, making sure the lock was on tightly. “Let us make sure that we are safe beyond safe.”
The lock drawn, he also slid a small wooden chair beneath the handle of the door and placed a stack of books to hold it in place. "I believe that ought to ensure some privacy," he said, turning around and returning to Edmond.
