Sara's Soul

by Deanna Kahler

  Sara instinctively sat down beside the woman and put her arm around her. She looked up and saw that it was Margaret. “I thought I had the answers,” Margaret cried. “When I watched him die, I thought it was the worst pain I would ever know. I was wrong.”

  Sara understood that kind of brokenness. She knew better than anyone what it felt like to watch someone die, to experience the excruciating and horrific details of death. She had witnessed thousands of murders, suicides, and accidents. She had watched so many people suffer through painful illnesses that slowly extinguished every last bit of life left within them. Sara had even seen her own mother lose her battle with cancer. Nothing was worse than losing someone you loved.

  “It’s not too late for thee,” Margaret said.

  A drop of water plopped on Sara’s head, and as she reached up to wipe it off, she found herself awake in her bedroom. She peered into the darkness and studied the shadows intently. The lamp at her bedside looked a lot like a small person standing there staring at her, waiting for her next move. Her dresser resembled a casket, and the eerie silence reminded her of her eventual fate. It didn’t matter what Margaret said. Sara’s mind was made up. She would soon kill herself. But not yet. Tomorrow she would spend the day with Chip.

  chapter 11

  angelic visit

  That was a close one,” Celeste said to Connor. “I’m so relieved Chip listened to me and called Sara. Our plans could have been destroyed in an instant.”

  “I know,” said Connor, shaking his head. “This is a tricky mission. Sara is a kind, loving person, but she is filled with so much pain. We have to find a way for her to see the other side. She needs to know the truth about life and death.”

  “Yes,” Celeste agreed. “She needs to not only know for certain that there’s an afterlife, but also that if she kills herself, her pain won’t end. You know where suicides end up.”

  “Sara doesn’t deserve to go there,” he said.

  Celeste thought about the torment that those souls who committed suicide faced. They believed they would stop their suffering, extinguish their existence, and finally be free. They expected not to ever feel anything again. They thought it would all just end and they would disappear into nothingness. But instead they woke up very much alive, in a cold, damp, dark, cave-like place. They not only felt their own pain, but also the pain of all the tortured souls who were trapped there in limbo with them. They moaned in agony, wrapped in self-imposed chains, heavy and iron, that prevented them from escaping until they could come to terms with what they had done. There was no escape without forgiveness. And the act of forgiving oneself was the most difficult kind.

  This lower realm was colorless, and the objects and scenery appeared in dismal, shadowy shades of gray and black. No light entered either. It was a vile, wretched place. The suffering there was far worse than the life the troubled souls thought they were escaping from. But that’s not all; the prisoners also got to witness the horror, the sadness, the guilt, and the despair of those left behind. Many of the remaining loved ones blamed themselves; they believed somehow they had caused their spouses and children, lovers and friends, to commit suicide. If only they had loved more, listened more, noticed more, reached out more… then maybe they could have saved their dear ones from death.

  Seeing this always caused the suicide victims to be filled with so much regret and remorse. They desperately wished they could undo what they had done. They wanted to go back and make better choices, get help for the depression that had led them to this awful fate. They longed to be with their loved ones again and to see those who had passed before them. But they were stuck.

  This state of existence continued for a very long time. Eventually, when the souls finally came to terms with what they had done and forgave themselves, they were allowed to go to a holding room that resembled a hospital. There they would begin the slow, difficult process of healing. When they were stronger, they would take on jobs or special assignments, where they could help the newly arrived to acclimate to their environment. Some offered support to those still stuck in the lowest realms. Others worked at the hospital, using their positive energy to heal souls. Those who had become enlightened were allowed to leave and advance to the next level of the afterlife. In time, they were even permitted to see their fellow deceased loved ones. Many chose to help people on Earth by intervening in their suicide attempts. But it took a lot of very hard work, suffering, and subsequent healing to finally get to that point.

  Margaret had suffered this fate after Merek was murdered. She fell into a deep pit of despair and believed the only way out was to kill herself. Unfortunately, her suffering did not end, and she spent hundreds of years trapped in the lower realms, weeping and longing to be reunited with her lost love. She thought Merek’s death had separated them, but it was actually her own that kept them apart. Her guilt and her remorse were almost unrepairable.

  Celeste certainly didn’t want Sara to go through all that. She also knew that the love Sara and Chip shared was much like the feelings between her and Connor. Celeste was determined to make sure they had a chance to be together on Earth. She wanted Chip and Sara to carry out their mission, opening up the suicide prevention center and saving many lives. She knew that, if given time, Sara would come to know and understand more about the spirit world. Instead of seeing only visions of death, she would be able to see what came after and to feel the never-ending, unconditional love that encased everything. And Chip, her precious son—Connor’s son—would have a remarkable life with his soul mate and true love. It was vital that she and Connor succeed in their mission to help Chip save Sara. It wasn’t just Sara’s life at stake; it was her soul, too.

  “Did Chip figure out what the yellow ribbon you gave him means?” Celeste asked hopefully.

  “No, not yet,” Connor replied. “He’s been too distracted. I will pay him another visit and help move things along.”

  “I want to go too this time,” she said. “Let’s leave now.”

  “Good idea.” Connor smiled, kissing her.

  Connor and Celeste joined their hands together and closed their eyes. A whirl of wind and light surrounded them. The hum of the air sounded like the chirp of thousands of tiny birds. In a minute, they had arrived in Sara’s bedroom, where she and Chip lay sleeping.

  Celeste looked down at her son with overwhelming love and affection. She drifted over to him and softly kissed his cheek. “Chip,” she whispered. “Wake up, please. We need to talk to you.”

  Chip mumbled sleepily and rolled over. Connor approached him and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, buddy,” he said. “It’s me. Connor.”

  Chip’s eyes sprang wide open. “Mom. Connor.” he said. “Or should I say Dad? What are you two doing here? Is everything okay?”

  “We’ve come to discuss an important matter,” Connor said. “And feel free to call me whatever you’d like.”

  “Actually, I would still like to call you Connor. Dad is reserved for the man who raised me, no offense or anything. You know I love you, too.”

  “Of course,” Connor replied, smiling.

  “Speaking of my dad, is it true? Is he going to die?” Chip asked. “Was Sara’s vision right?”

  “You know we’re not supposed to divulge these types of secrets, son,” Celeste said. “But you already know the answer about Dave. What does your heart tell you?”

  “My heart tells me it’s about to be broken,” he said sadly. “Is that why you’re both here?”

  “No, Chip, it’s not,” Celeste said. “Your dad isn’t the only one you should be worried about.”

  “I know,” Chip said. “Sara’s going through a rough time. She’s very upset.”

  “Yes, she is. Sara is a special woman. She needs you in her life, and I know you need her, too.”

  “I do,” agreed Chip. “She makes me feel… whole. I’ve never felt that way about a woman before. It’s like we’re a part of each other. The connection between us is just so strong. Is that
what it’s like between you two?”

  “Yes.” Celeste’s face lit up and she smiled the most beautiful, joyful smile. The energy inside of her intensified, and she felt love pulsing through her heart and soul. Connor looked at her and returned her smile with equal love and passion. He reached out his hand and took hers. Suddenly the entire room became illuminated in a bright, shimmering white light. It was so intense that the room appeared to be basked in sunlight, and its warmth radiated throughout the entire house. Connor and Celeste embraced and began to kiss.

  “Stop it, you two. You’re going to wake up Sara. I just asked a simple question. You didn’t need to give me a demonstration,” he said, laughing. “I get it.”

  “Sorry.” Celeste blushed. “He just has that effect on me.”

  “Sure, blame me.” Connor laughed. “As if you have no part in it all.”

  Connor’s face suddenly turned serious. “Have you thought about the yellow ribbon I gave you, Chip? Any idea what it means?” Connor asked.

  “No, but I have it in the shirt pocket of my pajamas,” Chip said, patting the pocket of his striped white and navy-blue flannel shirt. “My first thought was of Desert Storm. I remember families putting yellow ribbons up during the war for the safe return of the soldiers. That doesn’t make any sense, though. There is no war right now, and I don’t even know anyone serving in the military, so that can’t be it. So then I thought about how ribbons are often used for the awareness of various illnesses, especially cancer. That’s as far as I got. I wanted to research which types of illnesses a yellow ribbon stood for. I wondered if someone I know is sick. I promise I will look into it soon.”

  “At least you’re thinking about it,” Connor said. “Please don’t wait too long to do your research, though. We don’t have a lot of time.”

  “What does that mean?” Chip asked with concern. “Is someone going to die of cancer soon? Am I supposed to help them get treatment or something?”

  “Sorry, sweetie,” Celeste said. “We can’t give you details. We can, however, urge you to pay close attention to all that is around you and think about what you know. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. I just hope you do before it’s too late.”

  “We’ll be in touch soon,” Connor said. He gave Chip a hearty hug.

  Celeste leaned over and also embraced Chip. She planted a kiss on the top of his head. She was so proud of him. He was a wonderful child and had grown into a smart, kind man. She knew he would do his best.

  “Bye, guys,” Chip said. “Maybe someday you can communicate with Sara, too. I’m sure she would love that. If she could just break down those barriers and let the light in, I know her whole world, her whole outlook, would change. I’ll work on her.”

  “Bridge,” said Celeste.

  “Huh?” Chip asked.

  “You can use the bridge of illumination,” she replied. “Read about it in my blue notebook. You’ll find all of the instructions there. The bridge will help Sara.”

  “I knew he didn’t get his smarts from just me,” Connor teased.

  Celeste gave him a nudge, and they laughed. Then they disappeared in a shimmer of sparkles.

  ***

  After the visit, Chip couldn’t sleep. His mind kept thinking about this bridge and wondering about the yellow ribbon. He reached into his pajama shirt pocket and traced the ribbon’s satin edges with his finger. What does it mean? What am I supposed to do? He felt a sense of urgency, like he was running out of precious time. He needed to unravel the riddle, and fast. Chip grabbed his cell phone from the pine nightstand next to Sara’s bed. He wasn’t going to rest until he solved this mystery.

  He typed “yellow ribbon meaning” into Google and began skimming the results. His tired eyes glanced over phrases, hoping that the answer would become clear. “Bring our troops home.” “A wish for a safe return.” “Tribute to those who served in the Gulf War.” “Awareness of bone cancer and sarcoma.” “Bladder cancer.” Nothing seemed to fit. What does any of this have to do with me? He continued to scan the search results from various websites. “Waiting for your beloved to return.” “Suicide prevention.” Shit, that’s it. Chip felt it strongly now. He was supposed to help prevent someone’s suicide. He gasped.

  “Sara,” he said aloud.

  Sara jumped out of her sleep. “What? What’s wrong?” she asked. “And why are you holding your phone? Is it your dad? Is he okay?”

  “I didn’t mean to wake you. I’m sorry,” Chip said. “Everything is okay.”

  “Then why did you just call my name like that?” she asked.

  “I just don’t want to lose you,” he said. “Please promise you won’t leave me.”

  Sara was quiet. Chip could see the fear and sorrow in her eyes. There was no doubt in his mind now; she was indeed contemplating suicide. It was written all over her face. She leaned over and gave him a kiss on the forehead. “I love you,” she said. “I hope you know that.”

  “And I love you,” he replied. “I hope you know that, too. You can count on me. I will always be there for you, no matter what.”

  Sara just stared at him with a blank look on her face. She was speechless. The woman he loved couldn’t tell him that she was planning to kill herself, because if she did, he would stop her. He wondered when she intended to carry out the act. Judging by the look on her face, it wouldn’t be long. And then it hit him; Sara wasn’t just upset and distressed about her vision of his father’s death. When he called her at three a.m. after his mother had urged him to, she had been about to commit suicide. He had interrupted her. A warm rush of blood flooded his face, and his chest tightened. He had almost lost her. If it weren’t for that phone call just a couple of hours earlier, he wouldn’t be lying there beside her.

  Chip knew he had to do everything in his power to save Sara. If only he could give her some proof of the afterlife, some evidence that there was something more, then maybe she would stay. He had to show her the other side. And he had to do it fast.

  chapter 12

  together

  Sara awoke to the smell of pancakes and sausage filling her usually empty house. The sun was shining, and it was a tranquil morning. Her mood had improved somewhat since the night before, and she was focused on spending the day with Chip and meeting his father before he died. Although she was still melancholy, it wasn’t nearly as difficult to get out of bed and start her day as it usually was. Knowing all of her torment would soon be over brought her peace. After she helped Chip get through his father’s death, she would finally kill herself. She stretched her arms and rose from the bed to join Chip in the kitchen.

  “Good morning, beautiful,” he said with a big, bright smile.

  “Morning.”

  They sat down together at the wooden country table and began nibbling on their breakfast. “So how are you feeling today?” Chip asked.

  “Okay,” Sara said quietly.

  “Is there anything you want to talk about? Anything you want to tell me?”

  “No.”

  “Are you sure?” he asked. “You know you can talk to me about anything, right? I won’t be upset and I won’t judge you. You’re safe with me.”

  Sara felt the blood rushing to her face. Why is he asking me so many damn questions? she wondered.

  “I’m okay, really.” She smiled the biggest smile she could muster. “I’m looking forward to spending the day with you.” Chip didn’t look completely convinced, but she saw his shoulders relax a bit. It would have to do for now.

  They continued their breakfast in silence. It wasn’t an uncomfortable silence, but felt more like the calm before the storm. Sara took a bite of sausage, followed by a mouthful of pancakes. She chewed slowly as she thought about how difficult it would be to leave Chip. She watched him eat his breakfast, admiring the way his eyebrows raised each time he took a bite. It was as if his taste buds were reawakened whenever the food touched his tongue. You would think that every bite was his first.

  Sara loved how he savored each mom
ent, enjoying the stillness of now. Chip wasn’t the type of guy to waste precious time or worry unnecessarily about the future. He made the most of each day and had an appreciation and zest for life that Sara could never quite comprehend. All she knew was that when she was with him, her world became a bit brighter. He was the best thing that had ever happened to her. It was so hard to let go. She wished there was some other way. Why did life have to be so complicated?

  “You’re pretty quiet,” Chip remarked as he speared a piece of sausage with his fork. “What are you thinking?”

  “Just about you.”

  “Oh?”

  “How you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me,” Sara explained.

  “Well, the feeling is mutual,” he said with a grin, reaching across the table. He took her hand in his and gave it a gentle kiss.

  “Why are you so good to me?” Sara asked.

  “Well, that’s easy, silly. Because I love you.”

  He looked at her with those gleaming blue eyes as if she were the only woman in the world. Sara couldn’t help but smile.

  “You’re too good for me,” she said. “You deserve better. I really don’t have a lot to offer, you know.”

  “Nonsense,” he said. “All I want is you.”

  Sara felt a hard lump forming in her throat. If only it were that simple. “I don’t even know if I can give you that.”

  “Of course you can,” Chip objected. “You already have. I’ve never felt so close to anyone before. You’ve given me a part of yourself, Sara. And I can never let you go now.”