Still Fine at Forty

by Madison, Dakota

  When I opened it and Cody saw me, he looked overcome with emotion. I could see both utter joy and complete sorrow in his eyes. There was a moment of hesitation before he took me into his arms.

  “Please forgive me, Jenny,” he said as cupped my face in his hands. “I’m so sorry.”

  I felt so at home in his arms. I never wanted to be anywhere else.

  He gave me light kisses on my cheeks and eyelids. “Please forgive me,” he said again. “I want you, I need you, in my life.”

  I looked into his eyes. They held so much warmth and tenderness and love. My heart melted. “I forgive you,” I said. And with those three words, my decision was set.

  He kissed me. The kiss was filled with passion and desperation. It was as if he couldn’t get enough of me. As he pulled me close to him, I could feel how much he wanted me. And I longed to feel him inside of me. I wanted to possess every part of him again and for him to possess every part of me.

  Our mouths and tongues danced with delight as our hands explored each other’s bodies. Suddenly, it felt like there was too much clothing between us.

  “Jenny,” Cody said breathlessly between kisses. “I want you so badly. Please say you’ll be mine again.”

  I touched the side of his face. “I’ll always be yours.”

  And with that, he scooped me into his arms and carried me into the bedroom.

  Cody slowly removed my tee shirt and pajama bottoms and I stood naked in front of him. He stared at me like I was a treasure he had just discovered. He removed his shirt and then stepped out of his pants and boxers. We were both naked and vulnerable. He took me into his arms and held me for a long time. The world seemed to disappear as we melted into each other’s arms. At that moment, I knew my heart would never belong to anyone else.

  Cody kissed me gently at first. Then as his tongue found mine, his kisses became harder and more intense. I felt the familiar longing between my legs. A desire that could only be filled by him being deep inside me.

  Cody moved me toward the bed and we both lay down. He was just inches above me, staring at me with laser intensity. It sent shivers through my body.

  “I love you,” he said. “I’ve always loved you and I will always love you.”

  “I know,” I said. “I love you, too.”

  I thought he would reach for a condom, but he didn’t. I didn’t have any protection in the house. I wasn’t sure I’d even need it again after our fight.

  “Tell me you want me,” he whispered into my ear as he kissed my neck.

  “I want you,” I managed to say as my body shuddered.

  He was completely bare when he entered me and I allowed him. There were no longer any barriers between us. It was the most intimate moment of my life. I had never felt so close to another human being. The lovemaking was so intense that when I climaxed and felt his release inside me, I screamed his name in ecstasy.

  Even after we were both spent, he lingered inside me, just staring at me. It was as if he didn’t want the connection between us to be broken. He stroked the side of my face as he stared into my eyes.

  “Jenny, that was amazing.”

  I nodded. It was amazing. I had never felt a man, sans condom, inside me. Rob was always so cautious, he never considered not using protection. At least with me. Obviously things were different with Megan.

  Cody continued to stroke my cheek with his thumb. “You have me inside you now and part of me will stay inside you. I’m yours body and soul.”

  “And I’m yours,” I said as I lifted my head and kissed him.

  As we nestled each other, I was overcome by the desire to touch his scars. I wanted to smooth away the ugliness. I had the irrational idea that the intensity of my love for him could somehow take away all the pain he must have endured.

  I carefully paced my hand at the bottom of the scar that ended mid-chest. He flinched and closed his eyes. A pained expression overtook his beautiful face.

  I didn’t remove my fingers and he didn’t stop me this time. He allowed me to continue to run my fingers along the extent of the deep lines.

  “Open your eyes,” I said.

  He inhaled a deep breath. When he opened his eyes, I could see they were moist.

  “No one has ever touched me there,” he said so quietly I almost didn’t hear him. I noticed one lone teardrop escape down his face. He made no effort to wipe it away. “The women I’ve been with—I could see they were disgusted by my scars—but they tried to ignore them. They couldn’t even look at them.” Several more teardrops ran down his cheeks.

  I got very close to Cody and leaned my lips down to the scar on his chest. Starting at the bottom, I gave him slow and careful kisses all the way up the scar until I reached his shoulder. Then I made my way down the scar on his arm, lightly kissing it all the way down.

  When I was finished, he gasped then let out a small sob. Tears were now streaming down his face.

  He took my face into his hands and looked deeply into my eyes. “Do you know how much I love you?” he said. “How much I’ve always loved you?”

  I nodded.

  Cody continued, “My mother did it to me after I was expelled. When she found out I had been kicked out of school, she lost it. She knew I was smart and she wanted more for me, but she was so dysfunctional and drugged out of her mind most of the time, she didn’t know how to help me. She flew into a rage and started beating me with whatever she could find. She told me that I had ruined her life when she got pregnant with me in high school. My father didn’t want her anymore and it was my fault. She had dreams of going to college and I stopped her from pursuing those dreams. I tried to stop her from hitting me, so she grabbed a knife and cut me up. I never saw her again after that. I went into a group home and she went to prison, where she died. The last time I saw my mother, she gave me these scars as a parting gift to always remember her.”

  I gave Cody a soft kiss. We looked into each other’s eyes for a long moment and it was so intense, I felt like we were looking into each other’s souls.

  “You know you were the only person who ever really cared about me until I met Jim and Lucia,” Cody said. “I can’t tell you how much it hurt when I lost you. I didn’t even care about school. I cared about not being able to see you again.”

  “Cody, I…” He didn’t let me finish my thought.

  “When I saw you standing there at the hotel, waiting for me, it was like a miracle. I vowed I would do whatever it took to have you in my life again. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth, but I wanted you to fall in love with who I am now. I knew that I would eventually have to tell you everything, but I hoped that if you fell in love with me and loved me as much as I’ve always loved you, that you wouldn’t care about the past.”

  “I do care about the past, Cody, but I’m not going to let it get in the way of our future together.”

  He gave me a half smile then pulled me close to him. He lay down and I snuggled against his warm chest. We slept nestled against each other all night and by the time we woke up it was well into mid-morning.

  I made sure Cody had a good breakfast because I knew he had a long drive ahead of him and had to work that night.

  As he was getting ready to leave, I could feel a lump forming in my throat. I felt like such a sap but I didn’t want him to go. Rationally, I knew he had to, but on a physical and emotional level, I just wanted to stay wrapped in his arms forever. In his arms, I felt safe and warm. It was like the rest of the world disappeared and there was just the two of us.

  He stood at the door and gave me a weak smile. I was afraid to ask when we would see each other again. Any amount of time was going to be too long to be apart.

  “Don’t look so sad,” he said. “You have a young stud who is totally hot for you. And he’s also madly in love with you.”

  “It’s just so hard being away from you,” I admitted.

  “I promise we’ll see each other soon,” he said as he leaned down and kissed me.

  *** />
  I missed Cody immensely but the weeks went by quickly. It got busy with school and Cody wanted to get in as many Jeep tours as he could before the weather turned too cold for the tourists.

  But then my time of the month came and went and I didn’t get my period. Huge problem. I had never missed my period. I had never even been late before. My period was more reliable than the postal service. Was it possible that I was pregnant? We did have the mind-blowing make-up sex without using protection.

  I sat in my bathroom looking at a row of blue sticks. I had purchased six of them. Every one of them was blue. Obviously, I was pregnant.

  I grabbed the phone and dialed Mel. She answered on the first ring. “What’s up, Chica?”

  I gathered my courage and came out with it. “I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant.”

  I couldn’t believe she was laughing.

  “What’s so funny?” I asked, a bit annoyed.

  “That make-up sex must have been really good,” she replied.

  “It was, but that’s beside the point. This is serious.”

  “Why?” she asked. “It’s not like you’re a teenager who can’t support herself. You own your own home. You have no debt. You have a career. What’s the big deal? You’ve always wanted a kid and you’ve hit the genetic jackpot with Cody.”

  All good points, I thought. Of course, there was the issue of Cody.

  “Have you told him yet?”

  “I just took the pregnancy test a few minutes ago. Actually, I took six.”

  She chuckled. “You always were an over-achiever.”

  “I don’t want to tell him over the phone. I’m going up to Sedona.”

  “I think you should,” she said. “Need some moral support?”

  “No, I think I have to do this on my own.”

  “Let me know what happens.”

  As I was about to hang up, she said, “Hey, Jen, deep down, I think you wanted to get pregnant. I don’t think this was a complete accident.”

  Before I could respond, she hung up.

  I grabbed my overnight bag from the closet and frantically threw a few things together for the trip. Pugsy looked at me expectantly. I couldn’t ask my sister to dog sit again. She hated the idea of me being with Cody, even though she hardly knew him. She was going to completely freak out when I told her about the baby. Maybe I would just wait until I started to show and she could figure it out for herself.

  “Looks like you’re going with me to Sedona,” I said to Pugsy.

  I went into the kitchen and gathered some dog items, like Pugsy’s bowl, food, leash, and a blanket.

  I scooped the little guy up into my arms, grabbed the bags and we were off.

  The two-hour drive north gave me plenty of time to think about what I was going to say. The one thing I didn’t want was for Cody to have to worry about supporting the baby. I didn’t want anything to deter him from getting his gallery and making his dream a reality.

  When I stopped my car in front of his place, I was suddenly struck with a feeling of complete dread. What if he didn’t want the baby? What if he didn’t want to be with me anymore? I had only been thinking about it from my 40-year-old perspective. This felt like my last chance to finally have something I wanted for so long. But Cody wasn’t even 30 yet. How would he feel about suddenly being a father?

  I was no longer as excited to be sitting in his driveway. This was definitely a moment of truth. I didn’t need Cody to raise the baby, but I wanted him to be there with me. I wanted us to be a family. I rolled the windows down for Pugsy and gave him a kiss on the top of his head. “Wish me luck,” I said.

  Pugsy just stared at me.

  I gathered every ounce of courage I had and exited the car. The air felt a lot colder than when I had been in town a few months earlier. Winter would be setting in and the air was crisp and damp. The few hundred feet to his front door felt like it took an eternity to conquer. I started feeling very queasy and I wasn’t sure if it was from nerves or the pregnancy.

  I stood staring at the wooden door. The last time I had been to Cody’s place, we had fought. I hoped this time would be a lot more positive. How should I break the news to him, I wondered? The best course of action would be to just come right out and say it, I determined.

  I took a deep breath and knocked on the door. No answer. Maybe I should have phoned first to make sure he was home. The Jeep he usually used was parked in the driveway. I knocked again with more force.

  “Just a sec,” I heard his voice yell from inside.

  I shivered from cold and nerves. Why didn’t I think to bring a jacket? Maybe because it had yet to cool down in Phoenix. As I waited, I thought about what it would be like to live in Sedona with Cody. The pace of life was so much more relaxed. It had a smaller, cozier feel than Phoenix. It would be a nice place to raise a family. I had a vision of Cody and I cuddling next to a fireplace with a baby between us. It felt idyllic.

  When Cody finally opened the door, he looked shocked to see me. There was a moment of intense awkwardness while he registered my presence, then he leaned over and kissed my cheek. “What are you doing here?” he asked. Not exactly the reaction I was expecting.

  My teeth were chattering. “Can I come in? I’m getting cold and I didn’t bring a jacket,” I said.

  “Of course,” he said and opened the door completely so I could enter.

  That’s when I saw her. On the other side of the room stood a raven-haired beauty with pure olive skin. She wasn’t young, probably a few years younger than me. Much prettier, though. She looked like a model. And she wasn’t fully clothed.

  I didn’t know what to do. It was not something I ever expected. Another woman? It didn’t make any sense. I panicked. The only thing I wanted to do was escape. I didn’t want to see—whatever this was. I wanted it all to go away.

  “I think I made a mistake,” I muttered as I turned and ran out of his house.

  I just made it outside before the waterworks started and broke down into uncontrollable sobs. Just as I could feel myself about to fall to the ground, two strong arms grabbed me and held me up.

  He wiped all the tears from my eyes then grabbed me and held me in a tight embrace until I stopped crying.

  He took my face in his hands and looked deeply into my eyes. “Please hear me out,” he said.

  I started to protest, but he put a finger to my lips. “Let me explain what you just saw.”

  I nodded. It didn’t take a genius. I was pretty sure I knew what I had just seen.

  He didn’t take his eyes from mine. “That’s Jim’s sister, Rita. She’s a professional artist’s model. I was doing some sketches of her for a new piece I’m working on. Rita models for me quite a bit. She models for most of the artists in Sedona. I’ve known Rita for years. She’s happily married and has two kids.”

  It took a minute for it to register. I guess she was standing there as if she was being sketched. I jumped to conclusions, which were obviously not true.

  “You have nothing to worry about. I am completely and totally in love with you. I would never consider being with anyone else—ever.” He leaned down and kissed me.

  I pulled away. “I hope you don’t change your mind when you hear what I have to say.”

  He look of worry crossed his face. “What is it?”

  I gulped. “I’m pregnant.”

  The air suddenly felt heavy as I waited for a response. He took me into his arms and held me tight. He kissed my forehead but didn’t say anything. I gave him time to process the information.

  “I don’t want this to interfere with your plans for the gallery,” I said quickly.

  He gave me a puzzled look. “I want to take care of you and the baby,” he said matter-of-factly. “The gallery can wait.”

  I nodded, but I knew there was no way I was letting him give up on his dream.

  “We need to get you inside,” he said protectively. “It’s too cold out here for you.” He put his arm around my shoulder.

&nb
sp; “There’s something important in the car,” I said.

  We both looked over and saw Pugsy staring at us through the driver’s side window.

  We retrieved Pugsy from the car, and grabbed the overnight bags, and headed into the house.

  When we got inside, Rita was now completely covered and pacing nervously through the living area. As soon as she saw me, her face brightened.

  “I’m so sorry,” she said and she came over and hugged me. I was a bit surprised by the gesture of affection from someone I had never met. “I know that looked really bad…”

  “No need to explain,” I said.

  “I hope you don’t think the hug was too forward,” she said. “It’s just that Cody talks about you so much, I feel like I already know you.”

  I glanced over at Cody and I could see he was blushing.

  “Actually, you’re all he really talks about,” Rita continued. “Well, you and art. His two loves.”

  Cody was now grinning and I was the one who was blushing.

  “I guess I’d better get going,” she said. “I’m going to have a hungry husband and children in a few hours.”

  She leaned over and gave me a kiss on the cheek then grabbed her purse from the kitchen counter. “Have fun, kids,” she said before she exited.

  When the door shut, I exhaled. We finally had a chance to be alone and talk. Except that Pugsy was standing by the door crying. I was sure he needed to pee.

  “Would you like to take Pugsy for a walk and we can talk?” I suggested.

  Cody nodded. “First, we need to bundle you up,” he said. “I don’t want either of my babies to freeze.”

  He grabbed a sweater from the closet. “Put up your arms.”

  I did as I was told and he carefully placed the sweater over my arms and then my head. He nodded as he inspected me in his sweater. It was definitely too large and I was swimming in it but I also felt safe and warm.

  “I think you need a jacket, too,” he said grabbing the leather jacket that was hanging in the closet. He carefully placed in over my shoulders. “That should keep you toasty.”