by Lacey Silks
My hands immediately flew to my belly, and Axel said, “I’m so sorry.”
Chapter 18
The innocuous sound of a heart monitor beeped in a repetitive loop. I lay silently in bed, looking out the window. There was a cardinal sitting on a branch outside. She came here every morning and I liked looking at her. She kept my mind occupied and away from reality. I couldn’t deal with reality, so concentrating on the rosy bird fluffing her wings was a welcome distraction.
It had been two days since my miscarriage. Today was Monday, and I was expecting more deliveries with Axel’s new furniture to arrive. I wondered whether the dining room table was there already. I was being released from the hospital today; normally I would have been excited, waiting for all the orders I’d placed to be filled, but I didn’t want to go. I didn’t want to leave my cardinal behind. I wasn’t ready, and neither was she.
“Chloe?”
I turned toward the voice. Axel hadn’t left my side since the incident, and now there was a woman sitting beside him. Was she a counselor? I told him that I didn’t want or need counseling. They were some of my last words I said to him two days ago. Why would he go against my wishes? I scrunched my brows.
“This is my mother, Beth,” he said.
Well, I wasn’t exactly expecting that.
“I told her what happened. I told her everything.”
“Hello, Chloe.”
I nodded my hello to her and she took my hand into hers. “I’m very sorry about your loss, sweetheart.”
I nodded again.
“You’ve been through so much, I just want you to know that I’m here for you. We both are.”
I turned my head away, toward the window, to watch what my cardinal was up to. She was looking straight at me, as if she knew that she brought me much-needed peace.
“She’s been like that for two days now,” Axel said. “She’s still on the IV because she hasn’t been eating. They won’t release her if she doesn’t eat.”
“Honey, what’s important now is getting her home. Do whatever you have to do to get her home.”
I liked Beth. I turned toward her again and smiled. I was pretty sure she understood my gratitude. I did want to go home, but I didn’t want to say it. I didn’t want to admit what had happened, and I didn’t want to leave my cardinal.
“Chloe, we’re going to get you out of here, okay?” Axel said.
I turned back to the window. My cardinal was still there.
“Is she ignoring me on purpose?” Axel asked his mother.
“I’m sure she’s not. She’s in shock and pain. Not physical pain. It can make you act differently.”
I wasn’t trying to ignore him. I wasn’t ready to leave yet, but I wanted to leave — it was very confusing, and I couldn’t articulate it.
I heard the door to the room open, but kept my gaze on the rosy bird outside. It stood out beautifully against the white snow on the branch. The snowflakes this morning were floating so slowly to the ground that it seemed they didn’t really want to fall.
“Doctor Martin, did I do this?” I heard Axel ask. “We had sex just before this happened. Did I do this?”
“Was it rough?”
“No, not at all.”
“Most miscarriages are caused because the fetus isn’t developing well. There was nothing you could have done to prevent it. And no, sex wouldn’t have caused it.”
“It’s just hard to believe.” Axel sounded upset. I didn’t want him to blame himself. It wasn’t his fault. It was mine. I wasn’t enough to carry this baby to term.
“We’d like her to be released today.”
“Is she eating?” the doctor asked.
“Yes,” Axel lied. I smiled, but they couldn’t see it because I was still watching my bird.
“All right. I’ll get some medication for her. I believe counseling has already been suggested, but I’ll leave it up to you.” There was doubt in the doctor’s voice, but he didn’t question Axel.
“I know a lot has happened over the past couple of days, and Chloe may not remember it all. If she’d like to come back and talk about what’s been done, I can talk to her. And I’ll send all the reports to her practitioner as well.”
“Thank you,” Beth replied. I heard the door open again, and assumed that the doctor left. “Axel, your house isn’t furnished. Maybe she should stay with me.”
“No. I’ll take care of her.”
“Honey, that’s—”
“This is not up for discussion, Mom. I don’t mind your help – in fact, I need your help – but this will happen in my house.”
“Okay, honey.”
I felt Axel’s hand on mine. “Chloe, I brought you some fresh clothes. Let’s change and go home, okay?”
I took another look outside. The cardinal fluffed her feathers and flew away. I nodded to Axel, who took me into his arms and held me. I gently pushed him away after a moment. I was afraid if he held onto me this long, I’d lose it and cry. I didn’t want to cry any more. It hurt too much.
We arrived at Axel’s house that afternoon. Beth had brought food over and left it with us. There was a lot of food — too much for the two of us. Lana was also there. She hugged me and told me that she’d be here for whatever I needed. They set up the food on the kitchen counter and waited. I wasn’t sure what they were waiting for.
I passed the fireplace and headed for the windows in the back, where I sat on one of the pillows on the floor. Unopened boxes were spread throughout the house, covering most of the hallway and living room. My orders for Axel’s furnishings and decorations must have come in. Normally, this would feel like Christmas morning, but now, they were just brown boxes. Was it Christmas morning? It didn’t matter. I had a feeling that nothing would matter for a while.
I saw a female cardinal sit on a tree branch, and knew that she’d come here for me. There were whispers behind me, but I couldn’t hear them. The door opened and closed, and moments later, Axel was sitting beside me.
“Wasn’t there a cardinal on a tree by the hospital?”
I nodded with a smile, and Axel’s eyes flew open as if I’d just graduated with honors.
“Chloe, do you want me to get a bird feeder for her?” he asked. “Or a bird house?”
I’d really like that.
“I’ll get Charlie to—”
I grabbed his hand and stopped him from texting.
“Would you like for us to go get it?” he asked, and I shook my head. I wanted this birdhouse to be special because my little feathery friend has done so much for me – she had kept my mind pre-occupied when I needed it the most – but I wasn’t sure where they made special birdhouses with windows.
There was so much to think about when you built a birdhouse, and it was making me tired. I stood up and headed toward the staircase. Axel followed me as I went upstairs and crawled into his bed, right between the fresh sheets. I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow.
* * *
I didn’t want to wake up. I didn’t want to deal with reality, but my stomach was growling at me and the aroma of freshly baked apple fritters was making my mouth water. I pried my eyes open and went to the bathroom. My cheeks were sunken in, my eyes had dark shadows underneath, and my hair looked like it hadn’t been brushed in years.
Holy crap, I look bad.
After brushing my teeth, I took off my clothes and showered, then went back into Axel’s bedroom and borrowed one of his shirts and a pair of sweatpants. I had to roll the band of the pants down for them to stay up. When I got downstairs, the delicious smell intensified. Axel was sitting on one of the covered chairs that had been delivered, and his laptop rested on a big box.
“Good morning,” he said.
I just stood there, without moving. I’d sort of forgotten why I’d come downstairs. Axel stood up and strode toward me. He wrapped his arms around me and brought me close to his body.
“I’m here for you, Chloe. I’m here for whatever you need and for however lon
g it will take.”
I squeezed my arms tighter in appreciation of his patience, and that’s when something in the back yard caught my eye. I pushed away from Axel and ran toward the window. On a tree, there was a brand new bird house, exactly the way I imagined it, with windows and a small hole to crawl into, and a balcony all the way around with a few suet feeders attached, already stocked with suet cakes studded with birdseed. This was no ordinary birdhouse — it was a mansion! The cardinal was fluffing her feathers, settling into her new home.
When I whipped my body around in awe, Axel was standing behind me, smiling.
“You made that?” I asked.
His mouth opened and closed as the look of astonishment covered his face. He took a step closer to me, saying, “Yes, when you were sleeping. I figured you wanted something special. It took a little time, and Charlie helped.”
“How long have I been out?”
“Just over twenty-four hours.”
“Wow. Thank you, Axel. This means a lot.”
“You’re welcome.”
Axel took my hand and led me to the kitchen. I sat down on the kitchen stool and watched him pour me a cup of tea.
“Can I have coffee?” I asked.
He looked up, tilting his head to the side. “Yes, of course.”
He poured me a cup. “Milk?”
I nodded.
I warmed my hands around the mug. I haven’t noticed how cold they were until now. I reached for one of the apple fritters on a plate and felt Axel watch my every move as I ate the delicious donut, which to my surprise was still warm on the inside. It dropped in my empty stomach, settling there.
Had he baked these here?
“It will take some time for me,” I finally said.
“I know, babe. I know.” He came around the counter and sat beside me. “We’ve got all the time you need.”
“It wasn’t because of the sex, Axel.”
“I know.”
“I don’t want you to blame yourself. It wasn’t you.”
“It wasn’t you, either.”
I sighed. It would take a long time for me to believe that, but I’d keep that to myself. There was no reason to stress Axel out any more than I already had.
“I brought some of your clothes from your apartment. I hope that’s okay.”
I licked the sugar from the fritter off my fingers, took a sip of the coffee, and regarded the dozens, if not hundreds, of boxes in the house.
“Do you have work to do?” I asked.
“I don’t if you need anything.”
“No, you do. I’m sure you have a lot of catching up to do. Shouldn’t you go to your office downtown?”
“It’s a bit quiet around this time of the year, so I’m fine working from home.”
“What day is it?”
“Friday.”
“We missed Christmas?”
“It’s okay. Do you want to call your parents?”
“No, not now. I’ll send them a postcard. I don’t want to pull you away from work, and it looks like I have a lot to do as well.” I pointed to the boxes. As happy as I’d been earlier when I’d decided to reconcile with my parents, too much had changed since them. There was no way I’d be able to talk to them now without breaking down.
“You don’t have to work, Chloe. Take some time off, sweetheart.”
“I want to. I need to be busy.”
“Chloe, you need time to—”
“No, I just need to be busy.”
“Okay.” He pulled open a drawer and removed a box cutter, passing it to me.
I went to work on the boxes, slicing them open, examining the items that had arrived, and setting the cardboard boxes aside while Axel worked on his computer. Three hours later, I felt like I’d barely made any progress, and wondered whether I overdid it with the ordering. But I knew that once everything was distributed throughout the house, and all the furniture and accessories found their rightful place, Axel’s house would look as magnificent as I’d imagined. All I needed was some help.
Chapter 19
Over the next two weeks, Josh and Lana came over every day to help me move the furniture around. The last three days, while I was putting on the finishing touches, I’d made Axel stay at my apartment, and today was the big reveal day. I thought I’d be more excited; instead, I felt like I’d been living in a dark hole and couldn’t lift my spirits no matter what I tried.
On Friday morning, I waited for Axel to step through the door, and when he did, my world opened up at his reaction. Although he’d pre-approved most of the furniture, I knew that seeing the final results would still knock him off his feet — or at least, I hoped it would. We did the usual tour, where I explained to him the reasons for my choices and showed him all the functionalities of each room. He followed me the same way he had when I’d shown him the apartment units, without saying a word. When we came back down, I wasn’t too sure what to expect.
“This house now looks like a home. I can’t thank you enough,” he said.
“You’re welcome. It’s my job.”
“You poured your heart and soul into here.”
“Thank you, I’m glad you approve.”
“Approve? Are you kidding me, Chloe? I love it. I love everything about it, especially the fact that it was done by you. You have a magnificent talent.”
“Thank you. I did all the bedrooms as guest rooms, you know, because I don’t know what you’d like in them in the future, and I knew you’d want kids, but I didn’t know how soon, and …” I stopped. My heart was beating so hard that I started hyperventilating.
“Chloe,” he whispered. “It’s okay. It’s all perfect, exactly the way we discussed. And much better than I imagined.”
“You can make changes in the future, too. There’s a lot of storage and most of it is functional for general reasons, but if you want something different…” My hands were shaking because I hadn’t found the strength to ask Axel about any potential future family he might be planning, or whether he had changed his mind about wanting kids because that would have opened up a brand-new can of worms, and I wasn’t sure whether I could handle that right now. It was unprofessional. “I’m sorry. I’m babbling.”
“What are you sorry for?”
“I wanted to ask you about specifics, but I just went with what I thought was right for you, but maybe I shouldn’t have. Maybe you wanted something else.”
“Chloe, all the rooms are just the way I wanted them. You’ve done amazing.”
“Really?” I looked up, my eyes begging for further approval. He nodded his assurance. “There’s one more surprise I have for you.”
Axel followed me to his office, where I’d hidden a special box in a supplies closet. I opened the door to show him the wrapped cube with a red bow on top.
“Is this for me?”
“Yes, you definitely need this. Open it.”
He pulled on the red bow and ripped the paper open. “A safe?”
“For your gun. I noticed you don’t carry it on you as often. You shouldn’t leave it out in the open the way you do. Will you use it?”
“I can see it’s important to you that I do, so – yes, I will definitely use it.”
“Thank you,” I smiled. “That’s it then. It’s all done.” I rocked back and forth on my feet, a little nervous about what to do with myself next.
“It’s all perfect. I have a feeling I’ll want to work from home more often.” He reached for me, but I took a step back.
“Chloe, don’t push me away.”
“I’m not trying to.” Or was I? I knew deep down that I wouldn’t be able to handle life until I’d dealt with losing my baby, and I was nowhere near ready to face the truth. “So you really like it?”
“I love it. Let’s celebrate.”
“I… I can’t. I have work to do.”
“Chloe, you need a break.”
“What I need is to keep busy. I can’t stop, because if I stop I’ll go crazy, and I’m not read
y to handle crazy.”
He sighed. “Okay, so what are your plans next?”
“I got in touch with Olivier, so I’ll be working on the restaurant next week, but if you have any other projects in mind, I can reschedule.”
“No, that’s fine. I don’t have anything that can’t wait. Just let me know when you’re done at Olivier’s.”
“Okay. It’s a tight deadline because he can’t lose too much business. We’re doing half of it first, then the other half so he doesn’t need to shut down completely.”
“Sounds good, Chloe.”
“Okay.”
“Okay.”
Up until now, we’d never had an awkward silent moment where we were both uncomfortable, and I didn’t know what to make of it. I didn’t know what to say to him or how to act around him, and I was beginning to feel like pushing him away was finally working. My heart was breaking, and it felt good because feeling anything, even pain, other than the sorrow that was always lurking underneath my skin, was much better.
“I should go to my apartment, then.”
“Chloe, don’t…”
“Please, Axel. This is your home, and I… I just need time.”
He sighed, looking me over from the bottom up. He didn’t like this, and neither did I, but I needed to deal with my heartache before I could make sense of my life.
“All right. I’ll have Charlie drive you home.”
I gathered my few belongings that were at Axel’s house and left. The ride home passed in a daze. When we drew up to the curb, I didn’t move. Charlie waited patiently. I finally gathered the strength and reached for the handle when Charlie spoke up.
