by Lacey Silks
“Miss Chloe, if you need to go anywhere, you can call me.”
“Did Axel ask you to say that?”
“He did, but the offer comes from me as well.”
I looked toward the front of the car. “Do you have any kids, Charlie?”
“I have twin girls. They’re both in college now.”
“That’s wonderful. You must be very proud.”
“They’re my everything. I call them our little miracles.”
“Why miracles?”
“Because we were told we could never have kids. They were ninety-nine percent certain. The thing about doctors is that they never give you a solid answer. But we took what we’d been told as pretty near impossible. A year later, we found out we were pregnant. That’s why they’re a miracle.”
“I’m very happy for you, Charlie.”
“Thank you, Chloe. You’re very young and have a whole life ahead of you. May I give you some advice?”
“Yes, of course.”
“Don’t let this bump stop you from living, Ms. Chloe. It hurts, and it will hurt for a long time, but your life is so precious – don’t let go of it because if you do, it will let you go as well.”
“Thank you, Charlie.” I thought for a moment, trying to remember what I had planned for later in the day. My mind was filled and empty at the same time. It was difficult to make decisions and keep track of plans. I finally looked at my watch. “If you’re not busy, would you pick me up here in four hours? I have a doctor’s appointment.”
“Of course.”
“And please say hello to your wife and kids.”
“Will do, Ms. Chloe.”
I took the elevator to the sixth floor. My feet felt like they were dragging behind me, and I couldn’t wait for the day to be over so that I could lie down in my bed, cover myself with the duvet, and not come out until the morning.
I pushed open the door and was greeted by Lana, who was waiting for me with lunch. At the side were a handful of apple fritters, and I got the feeling that she’d been talking to Axel. Actually, I’d forgotten that I’d agreed to let her stay here. Not that I minded, but I sort of wanted to be left alone.
“Hey, how are you?” she asked.
“Okay. Given everything that’s happened, I’m okay.”
“Anything I can do for you?”
“I don’t know. I feel like I should be spending time alone.”
“That’s bull. If you’re alone, you’re going to go mad. Actually, scratch that. I think you’re already mad.”
“Thanks.”
“Chloe, you need to talk to someone.”
“Maybe you’re right, but not yet. Tell me about what’s been happening with you.” I set my purse aside and pulled out a bottle of water from the fridge.
“I’ve been going to Mr. Wagner’s office and organizing his files. He’s really an amazing man.”
Her comment made me smile, because he was much more than amazing.
“He offered me a job, at his house, to help keep him organized and manage the house.”
“Really? Because I’ve been worried that now that, you know, I won’t be having a…” I touched my stomach, remembering the bump that used to be there. I would no longer need a nanny. I bet she’d realized this before I did.
“It’s okay, Chloe. Don’t worry about me. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but your little angel is up in heaven now, I’m certain of that.”
“Do you think he or she knows how much I would have loved her? I think it was a girl. They wouldn’t tell me, but I think it was a girl.”
“I’m sure she knows it. You would have made a wonderful mother, but it’s important that you move on, and the best way to do that is by talking to someone. It doesn’t mean that you will forget her, but you need to start living your life.”
“Can I tell you a secret?”
“Of course.”
“I felt like she was just mine, no one else’s and that’s what made her so special. It’s because I didn’t know who the father was. There were so many of them that night. I didn’t want to, but they held me down—”
She slammed into my body with her full weight, holding me as if I were about to fall. I’d gotten over the rape some time ago, but getting over the loss of my baby would definitely take a while longer.
“Oh, my God, Chloe. Does Axel know?”
“He only knows that I was raped. He doesn’t know everything.”
“I’m so sorry.” She held on tightly. It was the first time since I’d lost the baby that I’d felt the need to share my feelings with someone. I wasn’t sure why I felt that connection to Lana. Maybe because she’d also gone through abuse? She was a victim, just like me.
“I have a doctor’s appointment this afternoon. Will you come with me? I mean, if you have work to do, you can stay. Why aren’t you at work, in fact?”
“Axel asked me to be here when you came home.”
I shook my head. “He’s always looking out for me, isn’t he?”
“He’s a good man. And yes, of course I’ll go to the doctor’s with you.”
“Thank you. I should shower and grab something to eat.”
“Lunch is ready whenever you are.”
“Sounds good.”
I wished I didn’t have to go for a checkup. I later would wish that I’d never talked to Dr. Sanders at all, because what he was about to tell me would put the last nail in my coffin.
Chapter 20
“She’s been like this since we came back,” I heard Lana tell Axel.
I was sitting on the rocking chair in the nursery, holding a stuffed dinosaur close to my chest, staring into open space. I didn’t think I’d be able to come inside this room for a long time, not until I was ready, but given that it was unlikely I’d ever be in a nursery again, I wanted to soak it all in. I wanted to at least pretend that I could have had a baby in here. I wanted to pretend that I was still a woman worthy of having a baby.
“What happened at the doctor’s?”
“I don’t know, she wouldn’t tell me, but they were in that room for a long time. When she came out her eyes were swollen, and she hasn’t said a word since coming home. I’m going to run to the store now, so I’ll leave you two alone.”
“Yeah, thanks, Lana.”
Axel came toward me and knelt in front of me. “Chloe? Tell me what the doctor said.”
I shook my head.
“Please? Tell me what to do to help you.”
“There’s nothing anyone can do.” My voice was somber. I felt completely dead inside, and I could already feel the depression closing in. I wasn’t sure how to deal with it. I sort of didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t want to take the pills, but I wanted to feel whole again. The task seemed more difficult than climbing the highest mountain.
Axel sat on the floor, waiting patiently. I’d been sitting here for a couple of hours now. It was getting dark outside. This morning I’d hoped that the night would bring peace for me in my apartment, but it wouldn’t. “Do you know anyone who needs a nursery?” I asked.
“No. I’m sorry. I should have had this room re-done while you were at my house. Do you want me to get rid of this stuff?”
“No. I can do it.”
Feeling empty, I crossed my arms over my chest.
“Chloe, talk to me.”
I took in a deep breath. He was going to find out about it one way or another, so I might as well tell him. “He said I may not be able to have children again. My chances of getting pregnant are slim to none. And I know that I didn’t exactly plan my first one, but I loved this baby. I loved her so much. And I know I’m young, but I was ready. I really was. I wish she wasn’t taken away from me. But she was, and now I won’t ever have children again.”
I finally broke down, sobbing. It felt so good to release it all at once that I wondered why I hadn’t done it sooner. Axel lifted me into his arms, sat us both on the floor, and leaned against the wall, cradling me.
“You would have bee
n a great mother, Chloe. Amazing, actually. I have no doubt about that.” He shifted, kissing the top of my head. “We’ll get a second opinion, Chloe. And a third and a fourth, if necessary. I’ll be at your side no matter what the outcome.”
“I’m broken, Axel. I may never have any children again. You’re in your prime and I know you want kids. I mean, we were just dating, but at least I felt like a woman. Now I feel so useless and inadequate. We might as well stop this thing between us right now before I hurt you anymore. I’m just not good enough for you. You fixed me once when you saved me on that balcony, but you can’t fix this. No one can.”
“Oh, baby. Is that what you think? That you’re not good enough? That you need fixing? Because to me you’re perfect. You’re the only woman I want, and nothing you can do or say will change that.” He was kissing my head, my cheeks, nose and eyes, wiping all the tears away, trying to soothe my heart with his tender lips. I was afraid that it was beginning to work.
“Let me love you, Chloe.”
Love? I stared at him with my mouth open and eyes wide.
“How can you?”
“Because I do. I love you, and that will never change.”
He loved me. Did I love him? I didn’t know. I was so confused. All I knew right now was that my heart hurt horribly in my chest and I wanted it to stop.
“I’m sorry I lost her. I lost our baby girl.”
“It’s not your fault. And you have every right to feel lost and hurt because I’m hurting too. I imagined us as a family so many times. I know she wasn’t mine, but I would have loved her as my own.”
I never realized that Axel had grieved for my baby and considered her to be his as well. I remembered the pain on his face at the hospital. I just thought he felt sorry for me, but was it also for our little girl? Had he loved her as well?
“You would have been a great role model, Axel.”
“With the gun and everything?” he asked.
“Yeah, even with that.” I fell silent for a moment. “I feel like my body’s been torn open and there’s no way to put it back together.”
“It’s okay. Let me work on that with you, then, one hour at a time. I want to be here for you, Chloe.”
“What did I do to deserve you?”
“It’s the other way around, Chloe. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. You’ve shown me what life should be, and that’s what I want now. I won’t settle for less. I want you and me, together. We can do this. We can make it work, no matter what the future brings.”
“You say that now, but you’ll want kids someday, and I may not be able to give you any kids. We should end it all now and spare ourselves the pain.”
“Chloe, you’re not hearing me. I will love you no matter what. Please let me love you, because I cannot imagine my life without you.”
I couldn’t imagine my life without Axel either. I was pretty sure I loved him too, but with all the emotions swarming within me, I wanted to be sure before I told him.
“I want to try. I really do, but it won’t be easy.”
“That’s all I’m asking. And I’m not expecting it to be easy, but it would be more convenient if you moved into my house.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“What about this place?”
“For now, Lana can use it.”
“She’s great, isn’t she?”
“Yes, she is. You have good taste in friends. Now, what do you say we go home?”
Home. It sounded so good. Too good, in fact. But it did make me feel better. Axel made me feel whole again. I wasn’t sure how he was able to do that, but the simple care and compassion I soaked up from this man was unbelievable.
“Take me home, Axel.”
He carried me to the living room, set me down on the couch, and gathered my things. I didn’t have much, and we could get the rest tomorrow. Part of me felt sad leaving this place, but another part knew that it was necessary to move on. It was time to make new plans, focus on new jobs, and not disappoint Axel. I was glad that one of us had so much faith in me, because I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to pull this off on my own.
When we arrived at his house, I checked the back yard. The cardinal was sitting on the birdhouse railing, feeding. Seeing her there made me feel like I’d made the right decision coming here with Axel. It was as if she had been waiting there for me the entire time.
“Are you hungry?” he asked.
“No, I’m okay.”
“Are you going to Olivier’s tomorrow?”
“Yeah, we’re gonna go over the final plans. Everything’s already been ordered, and the crew starts on Monday.”
“So you’re not busy tomorrow?” he asked.
“No, why?”
“Because I want to take you somewhere.”
“Where are we going?”
“Patience, sweetheart. Patience.” He kissed me on the tip of my nose. “Are you ready to turn in?”
“I think so. Axel, may I stay in one of the guest rooms?”
He didn’t appear to like the idea, but didn’t argue. After a reluctant nod, he took my bag to the guest bedroom beside his and set it down beside the bed.
“Chloe—”
“I know what you’re going to say, and I beg you, just give me some time. Please?”
“All right. But don’t cut yourself off. I’m here for you, babe.”
“I know.”
After that he left. I brushed my teeth and changed. I must have stared at that ceiling, thinking about Axel and his love, for hours. When it was time to wake up, I felt like I’d barely had a chance to close my eyes.
Chapter 21
When I went downstairs Saturday morning, Axel was already there, sipping his coffee. The sun was streaming through the windows, hitting the hardwood floor at the perfect angle to give it a warm glow.
“Good morning,” he smiled.
“Good morning.”
I sat down beside him and reached for the cup of coffee he poured me.
“How are you feeling?”
“Good. Slept better than I thought I would,” I lied.
“Good, because we have a long day ahead, but hopefully you’ll get a chance to relax.”
“What are we doing?”
“Honestly, nothing.”
“Sounds like the perfect day.”
“It will be. Wear something comfortable. We’ll be outdoors for a while.”
I paired up my warm leggings with a white sweater and a matching hoodie. While it was late winter today, the temperatures were spring-like. Manhattan was the last place I expected him to drive us to. He parked near Central Park, took my hand, and headed toward the park.
“Is this where we’re going?” I pointed to the entrance.
“Yes, later.”
“And you’re not going to tell me where we’re going right now, are you?”
“Definitely not. It’s a surprise.”
I got goosebumps all over my arms as he led me past the first entrance to the park.
“We’re going to the zoo?” I gasped when I saw the gate.
“Yes, we’re going to the zoo.”
“I love animals.”
“I knew you would.”
My excitement was beginning to wind up. Getting away from the everyday life was exactly what I needed. Axel purchased the tickets but didn’t take a map.
“Don’t you need that to know where you’re going?”
“I came here every year as a child and have the place memorized. It’s not as large as it looks, but here.” He reached into his pocket and removed a pamphlet. “In case you are wondering what we’ll see.”
“Penguins first,” I said.
“Sounds good.”
We visited the penguins and sea birds, grizzly bears and seals. I kept my nose glued to each exhibit. There weren’t many visitors today, and I guessed this place was busier during the summer months. The snow monkeys were having a swinging time on the ropes, using the warmer weather
to their full advantage. Once we’d passed the snow leopards and seen all the animals in the temperate territory, it was time for the tropic zone.
I definitely hadn’t been expecting to sweat today, but when we walked inside the building, the humidity slammed into me with full force, fogging up my sunglasses.
“This place is amazing.”
“I’m glad you like it.”
I made sure we looked at every single mammal, reptile, amphibian, and bird. I soaked in their behavior, observed their play fights, and wondered whether animals had as much to worry about as humans. Probably not; at least not the ones in captivity. They got fed here and didn’t need to worry about predators, which had to be a bonus.
When we left the tropics, I wanted to make another round through the zoo.
“Actually, we need to get going, because we have an appointment.”
I frowned.
“It’s not work-related, babe. Trust me.”
Axel took a turn and opened a door in one of the buildings marked employees only. I wanted to question him, but then realized that this was probably our appointment. An older gentleman was waiting there to greet us.
“Hi, Nigel. This is Chloe, the lady I told you about.”
Nigel reached out his hand out to me and I shook it. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. You guys have perfect timing. She’s almost ready.”
I gave Axel a questioning look, but he only winked and smiled. A soft kitten cry echoed through the room and my pulse sped with curiosity. When we walked into a secluded room and I saw the tiny white fur ball, my heart nearly melted.
“Her name is Coco, and she’s a five-week-old snow leopard. She was abandoned by her mother, and they’re hand-raising her.”
“She’s adorable.” I knelt on the tiles and watched her troll around. When her handler passed me a bottle of milk, I was in shock. “I can feed her?”
“If you’d like. Her claws are sharp, but they’re usually retracted. She may knead you with her paws a bit when she’s feeding.”
Nigel picked Coco up and placed her on my lap. The kitten found the nipple on the feeding bottle quickly and began suckling. The purring that came out of her mouth, along with the quiet hungry slurps, were the sweetest sounds I’d ever heard. After she finished the bottle, we played around for another few minutes before she got too tired and cuddled on her blanket.
