by Ann Rinaldi
Inside, my heart was breaking as Viola combed and snipped and combed and snipped. I could feel rather than see the hair falling to the ground.
My hair. It had always been my vanity! It reached well below my shoulders and was naturally curly. I usually wore it pulled high off my forehead and tied with a ribbon on top, with some of it falling down on the sides of my face. Everyone said that with such hair, my upturned nose, my large brown eyes, and the dimple in my chin, I was a beautiful child.
Teddy worried about me being a beautiful child. I think that was why he was so strict with me.
By now Viola was cutting up to my cheekbones. She stopped and looked at Teddy. "Lots of boys wear it to about here," she told him. "Especially ruffians. They don't bother cutting their hair."
He considered that. He put his hand under my chin and turned my face to look at him. Did I look enough of a boy to please him? Enough of a boy not to be a beautiful child anymore?
He released me. "All right," he said, "that's good. Thank you, Viola. You'd best get to bed now."
Viola stood in front of me with the hand mirror. "You look kind of saucy. You want to see?"
"No," I said.
She kissed me on the forehead. "Don't be angry with me. You'll be glad we did this, you'll see. Now come on, let's go to bed."
I started to get out of the chair, but Teddy put his hand on my shoulder and held me back. "You go on, Viola. We have something else to attend to."
She looked from him to me. "Is everything all right?"
"It's fine," he assured her. "I just want to show Leigh Ann a few moves to protect herself if she has to."
Viola nodded and started toward the house.
Teddy extinguished the lantern, set it on the ground, then turned and gestured that I should follow.
I did. What now? I followed him across the grass. What was this damned crocodile of a brother of mine about now?
Of a sudden he halted and turned around. "Now," he said in not so friendly a tone, "I'm going to teach you how to defend yourself in case they discover you're a girl and some man comes at you with devious intentions. Do you know what I mean by devious intentions?"
"Yes," I said in an equally unfriendly tone. "If he can't control himself and wants to touch me in all kinds of ways. And maybe do more." I said it with satisfaction. "Louis explained all that to me."
He nodded, a little surprised. "All right. I'm coming at you now. I'm going to grab your arm. Fight me off. Hit me, kick me, do anything you can to defend yourself."
I stood staring at him, uncertain.
"Come on. I mean it. You can do it. Have at it. I know you're angry with me. Get it out. I give you permission."
He came forward and grabbed my arm roughly and pulled me toward him.
I did the only thing I knew how to do. The thing that Viola had once told me to do.
I lifted one leg swiftly, and with my heavy, laced-up brogan, I kicked him in the groin.
There, I thought, that's for cutting off my hair.
He yelled and crumpled to his knees, clutching himself.
I stood there, paralyzed with fear. Oh God, I thought, what have I done? Oh, God, he'll kill me now.
"Where"—his breath was coming in short gasps—"where in hell did you learn to do that?"
"Viola taught me. She said that would stop any man."
He was breathing heavily. What should I do?
"Yeah, well, she's right."
"Do you need help? You want me to get somebody?"
"You do and I'll skin you alive. You tell anybody about this and I'll..."
More heavy breathing. He was leaning over, like he was going to throw up.
"Go in the house," he ordered. "Now."
I ran. Inside the back door I turned and looked.
He was throwing up. Well, I decided, that does it. He'll never speak to me again. As of now, we are definitely finished.
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
But the next morning it was as if nothing had happened to him. He was bright-eyed, vigorous, cleanshaven, and immaculately dressed as usual, and attending to a dozen things all at once. The last of which was meeting with Primus in his study to talk about plantation matters while the rest of us sipped tea and waited for him to come into the dining room to start breakfast.
Cannice and Careen complimented me on my new hair fashion. So did Carol, to my surprise.
I could not get accustomed to the feeling of no hair on my neck and shoulders, but I was more concerned with meeting Teddy's eyes. Or would he not look at me at all?
And here I was, leaving tomorrow.
Someone knocked on the front door. My heart fell and I saw Viola bite her lip and Carol almost choke on her tea. It was the way we all reacted these days when someone knocked on the front door. You'd think it was the Angel of Death come calling.
Cannice answered. "Massa Teddy?" she called.
Bad, I thought, bad, when she called him like that.
He came out of his study, saying some last-minute words to Primus, who went out through the kitchen. We heard voices, low, in the hallway. Then Teddy's: "What the hell!"
Viola put her elbow on the table and covered her eyes with her hand. Carol closed her eyes. Pa just sat there, oblivious. Andrew continued holding Pa's cup and spooning tea into his mouth. I started to tremble.
"Sorry, sir," the voice answered, "but those are the orders. She's to report with the others to the town square first thing in the morning. Oh, and some good news. They won't be walking to Marietta. General Garrard has got wagons, dozens of them. They will ride. Some of the women have already been driven off this morning."
"That's good news?" Teddy asked. "That's like telling me their destination has been changed to hell, but the good news is that the temperature has been lowered ten degrees! I want to see Garrard!"
"I'm sorry, sir. He has an interview with a correspondent from the Louisville Journal this morning. And after that the Nashville Dispatch"
"Just tell me," Teddy asked wearily, "what has my wife done to be connected with the mill?"
I gasped and covered my mouth with my hands.
Carol burst into tears. Viola, sitting next to her, put her arms around her sister-in-law.
"It says right on the arrest notice, sir. She taught school for the mill children. See? It says so, right there."
Silence.
"My mother did this," Teddy mumbled.
"Pardon me, sir? I don't quite understand."
"Neither do I, sergeant. Neither do I."
"Would you sign this paper, sir, acknowledging that you have received the arrest notice and will comply with the order?"
"And if I don't?"
"Sir, the general told me to inform you that if you do not sign and comply, he is going to send a contingent of men from company H of the 3rd Ohio around to take her forcible. They are, how shall I say, excellent soldiers, sir, intent on obeying orders. It won't be pretty. The general also said I should tell you that if he has to resort to such tactics, your wife and your two sisters might find the trip considerable dangerous and uncomfortable. But if you do comply, your wife and your two sisters will find the trip—how shall I put it?—agreeable and safe. Do we understand each other, sir?"
Before Teddy could answer, Carol got up out of her chair and went into the hall, and we heard her say, "I will go along on the trip, Teddy. Tell the ... lieutenant, is it?"
"Sergeant, ma'am."
"Tell the sergeant that we comply."
"Carol." The pain in Teddy's voice could not be described. How there could be so much pain in just the saying of a name, I did not know.
"It's all right, Teddy. If my going keeps your sisters from harm and perhaps more, I shall go."
Viola and I looked at each other in disbelief. Was this Carol talking?
There was silence again in the hall. Teddy likely signed the paper. Then we heard the door close and a horse ride off. But Teddy and Carol did not come into the dining room for a long minute.
"They're kissing," I whispered.
"It takes something like this," Viola whispered back.
When they did come in, Carol looked as if she'd been crying. Teddy looked stoic. Sometimes I think he had as much of that Indian quality in him as Louis had.
"You heard?" he asked us.
We both nodded yes.
Careen came in and served breakfast.
"Leave us, Andrew," Teddy ordered. "Take Pa into the kitchen and feed him." He waited until Andrew did as he said, and then he told us.
"It's my fault. Mother did this to punish me because Leigh Ann chose to take her chances and go on the trip as a bummer and make her way back to me rather than go on to that boarding school in New York and return to her."
He sipped his coffee. "She told me she had one more card to play and I would be sorry. Well, she's played it. She took my wife."
He looked down the table at me. Right at me. "You did what was in your heart. It isn't your fault. Nobody is blaming you."
It was said matter-of-factly. Not with love or forgiveness by any means. But it was said, nevertheless.
***
After breakfast, Viola and I helped Carol pack. Then she and Teddy spent the rest of the day together. She went along with him while he attended to plantation matters. Viola and I let them be. We sat ourselves down in the kitchen to eat supper so they could be alone at the dining room table, but Teddy came in and stood there looking at us.
"What is this all about?" he asked grimly. "I want you two in the dining room. We're still a family, aren't we?"
He was torn to pieces. And even Viola, who sassed him most of the time, did not know what to do.
At the table Viola scarce spoke, and I did not speak at all. Finally he could take no more.
"Would it be too much to ask you two to say something?"
Viola took the lead. "I'll look after Carol, Teddy. I promise."
Carol put her hand over his on the table. "We'll all be together, Teddy. Family. Like you want."
"And you, chatterbox," he said to me, "you who never learn to keep a still tongue in your head. What have you to say?"
Say something brilliant, I told myself. Oh, there is so much I want to say, but I can't say it here and now. And I never did tell him about the silver Louis and I buried.
"I'm going to look after Carol and Viola. Best I can. I promise."
That seemed to mollify him for the moment. We finished supper. He and Carol lingered at the table. He directed Viola and me to go to bed early.
The July light lingered longer than it had a right to. From my window I could see the strange sky, yellow at the edges on top of the trees, then piled high with banks of clouds going in all different directions, as if God were playing with building blocks. When what He was really doing was playing with people's lives.
That was blasphemous. Louis would scold. Louis. Where was he now? Oh, how I wished he were here! He'd have words of wisdom for me, words of peace.
Louis! I never did tell Teddy about the silver we'd buried out back! And early tomorrow we were leaving!
I got out of bed, put on my robe, went into the hall, and looked over the banister. Where was Teddy? Had he gone to bed with Carol? No, not yet, thank heaven. Gaslights were lighted in the downstairs hall.
I crept down and knocked on the closed door of his study, where from under the door there shone some light.
When it opened, he stood there with a scowling and forbidding face. "What do you want?"
Lord in His heaven, I thought, will this man never forgive anything? Will he never forgive himself?
For a moment I felt sorry for him even as I wanted to flee, but I stood my ground. This was not for me, and this was not frivolous. This was for a promise to Louis.
"I have to tell you something before I leave tomorrow."
"I told you, it isn't your fault what Mother did about Carol to get back at me. So go to bed."
"It's not about that! You're a crocodile, you know that?"
"Well, I've been called worse." He touched his face where Mother had hit it. He still had a plaster there.
Oh, good. A sense of humor. That was good.
"This is about a secret Louis and I have. He said if things get bad, I should tell you."
He stepped back. "Well, things can't get any worse, so come on in."
And so I told him the secret Louis had left with me. The secret I had promised to keep and tell no one but Teddy, and then only if things got bad. He listened. He nodded his head solemnly. Then, just as solemnly, he told me I'd done well. High praise, considering his attitude toward me over the last six weeks or so. But he did not kiss me as he would in the past, or as he should because I was leaving tomorrow. He did not say he was proud of me. Things I wanted, I needed, more than anything else in the world.
He just sent me to bed.
CHAPTER THIRTY
We woke the next morning at first light. Carol and I and Viola had to be at the town square, ready to leave, at eight. We'd already eaten breakfast at six thirty, a solemn and forced affair, scarce looking at one another.
I'd said my goodbyes to Cannice and Careen. I'd given Careen a letter to mail to James in which I'd told him about my arrest. I dressed in my boys' clothing. Teddy gave each of us last-minute instructions at breakfast but said nothing else to me except "Go upstairs and get your things. There soon will be soldiers outside." His voice broke. "I'll be along to see you all go."
Upstairs I took one last grief-stricken look around my room, at the dressing table with my powders and brushes and combs, ribbons and the bonnets on a peg next to it. Bonnets and ribbons. Would I ever wear such trappings of girlhood again? What would happen to me now? How had my life taken such a turn?
Just last year this time I'd be dressing in a riding skirt and hat and going on horseback with Teddy to learn how to use the bow and arrow.
Impulsively, I went over to the chair where my dolls sat and kissed them. Tears were coming down my face as I went downstairs.
The front door was open.
The soldiers were already waiting outside.
Carol and Viola were there, with them.
I stood in the doorway of Teddy's study where he sat at his desk in front of the turreted window.
"I'm going," I said.
He looked at me and saw my large drawstring bag. "What have you got in there?"
I shrugged.
He motioned me over.
I brought it to him. He opened it and rifled through it in an impersonal manner. "No extra brogans? Yours get wet, it's a great way to catch cold. No preparations for your woman's time of month?"
I blushed. With Teddy, his sense of responsibility came before his sensitivity.
"I didn't get it yet," I admitted.
His eyebrows raised. "Oh. Too much of a hooligan, eh?"
"Viola said not to worry. She didn't get hers till she was fifteen."
"Well, you'd better bring something along just in case. And what is this?" He pulled out my book by Shelley.
"Shelley's heart wouldn't burn when they cremated him. And Mary Shelley carried it around in a silken shroud for the rest of her life. That's why he's my favorite writer."
His face went expressionless. I knew the look. He was fighting to hide his feelings.
"Go upstairs and get the things I told you to include. And hurry. The soldiers are waiting."
I picked up my bag and did as I was told. Then I dragged my bag downstairs again. "All right now? Can I go?"
"No, you can't. Not yet."
So I stood there in the doorway of his study. What did he want now?
He just sat there, looking at me and I at him across the expanse of his study floor.
"It's been some ride, Leigh Ann," he said.
"I'm sorry I kicked you the other night."
He shrugged. "At least I know you can take care of yourself."
I wanted to run to him, to sit on his lap, to hug him the way I used to. But I dared not.
"L
eigh Ann!" Viola called from outside. "We have to leave!"
Suppose I ran to him and he pushed me away? I would die!
Oh, the donkey's hind end to it! I ran to him. He looked up, surprised. I fell into his lap and he did not push me away. He held me close, embracing me tightly. He rested his chin on top of my head. He kissed me and because he hadn't shaved yet, the side of his face scraped mine.
"You're not mad at me then?" I asked.
"Tell you something. My damned heart wouldn't burn now, either."
"Oh, God, Teddy."
"Remember all I taught you," he said roughly. "And say goodbye to Pa. He's on the verandah. Now go."
He pushed me off his lap.
In the next minute I was gone.
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
We stood, Carol and Viola and I, on the village square with about a hundred or so other women and children, I in my boys' clothes.
I was Sam Conners, Viola's little brother. I had run errands for my big brother Teddy in the mill.
At least fifty empty supply wagons were lined up on the side of the road ready to take us away. Yankee soldiers from company E of the 7th Pennsylvania stood ready.
We assembled in the morning sun, then waited. In the middle distance, across the street a ways, I saw Teddy watching. I nudged Carol and she smiled and waved.
At first he didn't see us. He was talking with Major McCoy. They were studying some papers. Then I saw them shake hands. They were conspiring over something. McCoy came toward us. Teddy nodded in our direction and I heard McCoy saying,
"Just a moment there, boy. You there, is your name Conners?"
He was talking to me!
"Yessir," I answered.
"What are you doing here with all these women?" His voice was stern. He was acting as if he did not even know me.
"They are my sisters, sir."
He grabbed me roughly by the arm and pulled me along with him to another Confederate soldier a distance away, who was lounging against one of the wagons.
"Sergeant Mulholland!"
The sergeant immediately straightened up and saluted. "Sir!"
"I've got a bummer for you. Name's Conners. What's your first name, boy?"
"Sam, sir," I told McCoy.
