Forever Again

by Shannon Stacey

  “So, what are you going to do?” Jill asked.

  “There’s nothing I can do. He made it pretty clear he’ll get a lawyer and take me to court if I try to stop him from seeing her. There is no way I can afford the kind of lawyer he can get.”

  “I can’t believe he threatened you.”

  “He was angry,” Gena replied. The words had barely left her lips when she felt a rush of disbelief. Why was she defending him?

  “What if he tries to get joint custody?” Jill asked while she drenched the fries in more ketchup.

  “I don’t know. She’s fifteen, though. I think a judge would leave it up to her at this point. But I really don’t think Travis will do it if I don’t try to keep him away.”

  They pondered the problem while finishing their lunch and second, then third cups of coffee. Neither of them could see a solution other than hoping for the best.

  “It’ll be good for Mia to have her father in her life, and you guys will work it all out, I promise,” Jill said earnestly. “Just remember not to put Mia in the middle.”

  “I’ll do my best not to,” Gena said, staring into the bottom of her empty coffee cup.

  “So, is he still cute?”

  Gena felt the heat creeping into her cheeks and she wanted to crawl under the table. Whether or not Travis Ryan was still cute was not something she wanted to talk about. Even with Jill.

  “You’re blushing,” Jill accused, a little too loudly. Several people turned to look at Gena, who sank lower into her seat. “Tell me about it.”

  “Yes, he’s still cute, and he was also here with his fiancée, remember? They were planning their wedding,” she reminded her.

  “It doesn’t sound like they’ll be engaged long.”

  “Jill!” Gena was surprised that her very sweet, if sometimes scatterbrained, friend could be so catty. “Kristen was very nice, at least before she found out who I was, and I think they’ll work it out. It was just a shock—to everybody involved.”

  “Do you hope they won’t work it out?” Jill pressed, looking for a confession that Gena wasn’t ready to give.

  “It doesn’t matter to me if they do or not. The only person I care about is Mia.”

  On that definitive, if not completely honest, note, they paid their bill and walked out into the noon sunshine. Jill gave her a quick hug , then left to return to the library.

  Gena started the minivan and drove slowly back to the Inn. Jill’s question kept running through her mind, and she couldn’t seem to stop it. Do you hope they won’t work it out?

  The idea of Travis being single and available had its appeal, but she was smart enough to know there could never really be anything between them. There was too much history—too much animosity. And that was a mind game none of them needed to be involved in, especially Mia.

  As long as Travis was with Kristen she didn’t even need to think about it. He was off-limits, and Gena was perfectly fine with that.

  Still, the memory of that long-ago night in Travis’s pickup was surfacing more and more often of late. And last night, when she was half-asleep and that image popped into her head, the hands that pulled so urgently at her clothes and the face that pressed against her breasts had definitely belonged to the older Travis.

  I am not going to develop a crush on my ex-husband, she tried to tell herself firmly.

  Mia’s words echoed in her mind. It’s not a crush. It’s unrequited love.

  “No way,” she said out loud. The last thing she was going to feel for Travis Ryan was any kind of love.

  * * * * *

  Travis drove north on I93, his thoughts flying through his head as quickly as the trees passing by his side window.

  It wasn’t until he drove through Concord that his palms started to sweat. In about thirty minutes he would see his daughter again. A fifteen-year-old stranger who had his eyes, his hair—his blood.

  Even after several days it was still hard to believe he had a child. He had thought about having children in the future, but Kristen told him right up front that it would be years before she considered it. For the time being her career came first.

  Now he was a father. Not of a helpless infant who would allow him to grow into being the father he thought he could be—but of a nearly grown young woman who had never had one. And he had no idea what she expected from him.

  He’d been trying for the last two days to think of something to say to her—something more sensible than the flurry of questions that had been filling his head.

  What was her favorite color? When did she lose her first tooth? He wanted to know what kind of music she listened to, how many boyfriends she’d had, if she had ever broken a bone. Did she play sports? What kind of grades did she get? How old was she when she walked? Did she suck her thumb like he did when he was a baby? Had some punk ever broken her heart?

  She was all he had been able to focus on since he had seen her walking toward him on Main Street. And yet it was still so hard for him to believe.

  During the frenzy of visits and phone calls necessary to prepare his practice for a week-long absence, Mia had constantly been in his thoughts. He hadn’t even been able to concentrate on the problem of saving his engagement.

  Kristen had not said a single word to him for an hour after leaving the Riverside Inn. Then she had yelled at him for twenty miles. She only stopped when he finally told her he would leave her off at the next rest stop if she couldn’t discuss the situation like a reasonable adult.

  She had really fallen into a sulk when he told her he was rearranging his schedule. After this week off he would be spending four days each week in New Hampshire. It wasn’t until she realized she had to accept it or lose him that she came around. They’d talked for hours, working through the anger of the initial shock and agreeing, once they both grew accustomed to Mia’s presence in their lives, they would be fine. The wedding plans would proceed, although the reception would definitely be in Boston.

  Travis spotted a blue sign marking a rest area and pulled off the highway. He needed some fresh air, maybe a soda from the vending machines. Anything to calm his nerves.

  “Mia Dawn Taylor,” he said aloud as he walked toward the small information center. Saying her name was something he had done a lot in the previous days.

  How could I not know? There was a part of him out there—growing, laughing, crying. And he had missed it.

  Because of Gena. He slammed his hand against the Coke button on the machine, earning startled glances from a businessman and a weary-looking family.

  He took his drink and walked back to the parking lot to sit on the tailgate of his pickup. All the while he tried to force down the bitter anger that rose whenever he thought of his ex-wife.

  He still had a hard time grasping the fact that Gena had hidden his daughter from him for fifteen years. What if he and Kristen had married in Boston and never stepped foot in New Hampshire—never visited the Riverside Inn? The thought that he could have gone to his grave without ever knowing Mia existed made him sick to his stomach.

  He wasn’t without blame. He was ashamed of the way he’d used her, even then. Not knowing what to do about it, he’d hidden from her, avoided talking to her at all. He thought he’d done them both a favor by running and never looking back. Yes, his sins were many. But she’d taken his child.

  Who the hell was she to decide whether or not he could be a father? Mia was his as surely as she was Gena’s, and yet he had never read her a bedtime story or kissed a scraped knee.

  And now he never would. It was too late. Mia was almost a woman grown, her days of being danced on Daddy’s knee long over. When he thought of all that he’d missed—all the moments and milestones—he felt a surge of blazing anger at Gena.

  Trapping him into marriage was small potatoes compared to stealing his daughter.

  The sound of crinkling aluminum broke him away from his thoughts, and he was surprised to find he was crushing the can in his hand.

  He had to get his emoti
ons under control before he saw them again. Mia would be loyal to her mother, and his anger at her could scare the girl to the point she didn’t want to see him.

  How can I see Mia without seeing Gena? It was a question he couldn’t answer, so he closed the tailgate and got back into his truck. He would know how it was going to turn out soon enough.

  * * * * *

  If she looks at that clock one more time I’m going to scream.

  Although her fingers managed to draw out a map for Mr. Beauchamp, Gena’s attention was squarely on Mia. The girl’s growing excitement about seeing her father again was driving her crazy.

  She had already changed her clothes twice, then applied makeup only to scrub it off. When she actually started pacing on the porch, Gena had told her to get behind the desk and file receipts.

  “Make sure you watch for the orchard, then take a left. You can’t miss it.” She waited until Mr. Beauchamp left, then went to her daughter.

  “He’ll be here,” she said, squeezing Mia’s shoulders. “He said he would, so he will.”

  “And you’ll be nice to him?”

  Gena breathed deeply. “Yes, I’ll be nice to him—for your sake. What happened between us has nothing to do with you.”

  “Yeah, right. What happened between you screwed up my whole life, remember?”

  The all-too-familiar tears stung Gena’s eyes and she pulled away. “Has it been that bad?”

  She was relieved when Mia stood and threw her arms around her. “Stop it, Mom—” she squeezed hard “—you know I love you, and I’m sorry. I’ve been very happy—you know that. I was just…missing a piece.”

  “Well, your missing piece has turned up,” Gena whispered into her hair. “And I won’t do anything to drive him away. I promise.”

  “Thanks, Mom.”

  The sound of a vehicle pulling into the driveway broke them apart. Gena cursed under her breath when Mia rushed to the mirror, then the front door.

  Travis Ryan was back in her life. And he wasn’t leaving this time. He wouldn’t walk out on them again. But only because of Mia.

  Not that she cared. She was not going to let him affect her. If he stayed—good. And if he did leave, that would be fine, too. She had lived her life just fine without him, and she didn’t need him now.

  Now if her body would only get that message, she’d be doing even better. It’s only physical, she scolded herself. Those little twinges in her heart were just echoes of the past. He had been her first, after all, and a girl never forgot her first.

  That’s all it was. And as long as she kept telling herself that, everything would be all right.

  * * * * *

  Travis turned off the ignition and stepped out of the truck, feeling more nervous than he ever had before a big game—even the championship hadn’t made the butterflies swarm in his stomach like they were right now.

  Mia stood on the porch, and he saw his own uncertainty reflected on her face. The poor kid looked scared to death, but still happy to see him, and Travis smiled up at her.

  “Hi, Mia.”

  “Hi.”

  So far, so good, he thought wryly. He dealt with teenaged athletes almost daily, so he had thought he would be better prepared for this. But it was different. This girl was his daughter—his own flesh and blood.

  “So…you ready for that pizza?” he asked in a tremulous voice, wondering if any situation he’d ever been in had been as awkward as this.

  “Sure,” Mia replied, and her face lit up when she smiled, just like his mother’s did.

  Travis marveled anew at the resemblance. Kristen had pushed him to have a DNA test performed, but he didn’t need a lab result to tell him he was Mia’s father. It was so obvious to him that he was surprised she had even suggested it.

  But there was more to it than her appearance. It just felt right to him. Despite Gena’s history of lying, he knew in his heart this was true.

  Gena’s history, he thought. He reluctantly had to admit she hadn’t lied and schemed her way into being Mrs. Travis Ryan after all. A small part of him could even sympathize with how scared and unhappy she must have been, but it was a very small part.

  And this was the reason—he was standing in front of a girl for whom he should have been a knight in shining armor—a constant protector in the world. Instead she had grown up without him.

  “Um…should I tell Mom we’re leaving?” Mia asked, and he realized he’d just been standing there, staring at her.

  “I’m going to speak to her for a minute, actually. If you’re ready to go you can wait in the truck.”

  Gena heard him enter the house and she waited for him in the kitchen, her arms folded across her chest. This meeting would no doubt set the tone for their entire relationship, and though she knew she couldn’t afford to put up a strong legal fight, she wasn’t going to be a doormat, either.

  The door swung open and she tried to stay calm, but she could feel the bright spots of color on her cheeks.

  Travis spotted her, and her stomach clenched when she saw the way his jaw tightened. “Hello, Travis.”

  “Gena,” he said tightly. “I’m taking Mia out for pizza, and I don’t know how long we’ll be.”

  “Take your time,” she said. “I know you probably have a lot to talk about, and she’s out of school for the summer, so she can stay out a little late.”

  He ran a hand through his hair, and Gena couldn’t keep herself from watching his fingers slide through the thick blonde strands. “Look, about the other day—I shouldn’t have threatened you with a lawyer. Not that I won’t get one if you try to keep me from seeing her, but it was a little…premature.”

  “I won’t keep you from seeing her. Not unless Mia asks me to, and I don’t think she will. She’s been watching the clock since you left on Saturday.”

  “So have I,” he said, and she thought she saw the smallest glimmer of a smile.

  “I’m sorry about all this, Travis. I—”

  The trace of a smile disappeared. “There’s nothing you can say to make this better, Gena. Nothing can fix what you did, and I’m never going to forgive you for it.”

  She felt each word like a well-deserved lash across her conscience. Tears stung her eyes and she looked down, unable to meet his gaze.

  “But—” he paused, sighed “—I’ve thought about this on the drive up. I want us to have a good relationship…for Mia’s sake.”

  She nodded, but didn’t trust herself to speak for a moment. Then she cleared her throat and said, “That’s what I want, too.”

  “Good. I’m staying at the hotel over by the highway, and I wrote down my room number and the telephone number.” He handed her a business card which she dropped on the counter without reading. “Starting next week I’ll be in Boston Mondays through Wednesdays, and I’ll be here from Wednesday night to Sunday night.”

  “Kristen must not like that,” Gena said, wishing immediately she could take the words back. She sounded like she was trying to find out if his relationship with his fiancée had survived the weekend, and she didn’t want him to think she cared.

  “She doesn’t, but we’ll work it out.”

  That answers that question. Not that she was asking. He’d already made it perfectly clear how he felt about her, and even if she wanted to, she probably couldn’t change his mind.

  He looked tired, and the pangs of guilt that had been her constant companions since Saturday returned with a vengeance. Fifteen years ago she had done what she thought was the right thing, but now, seeing what she had done to Travis made her wonder if they could have worked it out.

  No, she thought. It had been the right thing to do. Maybe not for Mia, but definitely for herself. There was no doubt that if she had stopped him from leaving, they would all have needed more therapy than they could afford.

  The kitchen door opened and Mia stuck her head in. “It’s pretty hot in the truck. You almost done?”

  Travis laughed nervously and nodded. “We’re done. Sorry a
bout that.”

  “Have a good time,” Gena said and smiled at her daughter.

  * * * * *

  Suddenly Travis couldn’t swallow and his breath caught in his chest. That was the smile—the smile he had remembered for years after that night in his truck.

  He would never forget the sweet smile Gena had given him while he took her virginity. For years he had looked for it on the faces of other women, but he never found it. Not even Kristen smiled at him that way.

  Gena had deserved so much better than the little of himself he had given her. He wished for a moment that he could go back to that night. He wanted to be worthy of that smile, to deserve her…love.

  It was love that turned the corners of her lips up like that and softened her gaze. He wanted to bask in the warmth of that look again. There was no doubt she had loved him then, and he had thrown it away.

  And she took my daughter from me. She got her revenge. The anger washed over him like an ice-cold shower, and he followed Mia to his truck without saying goodbye to her mother.

  Chapter Five

  After several weeks of standing at the window and watching Travis pick up and drop off Mia, Gena managed to convince herself that what she had felt for Travis Ryan was nothing more than an echo of a young girl’s dreams.

  So what if her heart started hammering in her chest the second she heard his truck pull in to the driveway? And those nights she spent tossing and turning, reliving the way he had looked at her in the kitchen just before the angry mask slipped back into place meant nothing.

  I’ve just been lonely lately, she told herself while she stripped one of the guest beds. None of it means anything.

  She heard Mia calling for her and stepped out into the hall. “I’m up here, honey.”

  Her daughter bounded up the steps, her face glowing with good news. “I just got off the phone with Dad.”

  Gena could almost hear that word without feeling a pinprick of guilt and jealousy. Almost.