Black Heart And Red Redemption (Iron Dogz MC)

by René Van Dalen

  Beast laughed softly and swept a hand over her back, pulled her into his chest and hugged her. “You and I, baby, we will never be done. I claimed you when you were sixteen years old, it’s done. You are mine and I’m never letting you go ever again.”

  She shook her head angrily. “I’m not. You have a life here that I’m not a part of and you have children. Jesus. You have children.” She ended on a whisper and Beast’s heart ached at the hurt in her voice.

  He remembered her lying in his arms on a blanket on the beach as she talked about having children with him. He had shut her up and coldly told her he was never going to give her children because he didn’t want any. And now he’d had children with someone else. No matter how it came about, it hurt her. If it had been the other way around he would have been fucking beside himself with rage, and all his ladybug felt was hurt. God, he had hurt her so much by trying to do the right thing.

  He had to give her the truth, make her understand why he did what he did. So he tried to explain.

  “Baby, I had to make you leave. Things were fucked up in Cape Town and there were threats made against the women in the club. I knew it was only a matter of time before someone found out about us, even with how careful I had been to keep you away from the club. That’s why I ended it with you. I knew about the invitation to dance in London but I was scared you would come back. I had to make sure you didn’t.”

  She gave a slight nod and moved away from him but he didn’t want her to, he wanted to keep her tight against him. He gave her some space, not enough for her to get off his lap, but enough to put a little bit of distance between them. And what she said next hurt so much he wasn’t sure how he survived.

  “You broke me. I was broken for a very long time and all I had was my dancing. I worked and worked and worked and then I met Ilya. He was so different from you. Everyone warned me that he was only after one thing but I didn’t care. I wanted to dance with him because not only was he the best but he seemed to fly when he danced. From our very first rehearsal we just clicked and when he asked me to have coffee with him I went. He was a total gentleman. Asked me why I was so sad all the time. He was the first person I told about you. He knew everything and he helped me put my broken heart back together again.”

  She gave a little gulp as she swallowed back her tears and Beast kept a grip on the urge to start swearing. Another man had fixed his ladybug after he had broken her. He should be grateful for it but he wasn’t. He was too fucking jealous of a dead man.

  “It’s been almost two years and I still miss him so much. Something happens and I want to pick up my phone and call him only to realise he’s no longer here.”

  Fuck. Beast had no idea what he was supposed to say. He was jealous as hell but at the same time he felt her sorrow as if it was his own. His Ladybug had been through some fucking heart breaking shit.

  “How can you not miss him, Ladybug? He healed the heart I had broken and he loved you.” It killed him to say the words but he did. He gave them to her and she went solid then slowly turned her head and looked up at him and changed the subject.

  “I’ve heard you’ve got two daughters with your ex-wife.”

  That’s all she said but Beast heard it in her voice. It pissed her off but she was hurt as well.

  “We both had lives after we split, Ladybug.” He shrugged. “It is what it is. I love my baby girls and they mean the fucking world to me. I regret marrying the bitch but not my girls, never my girls.”

  He watched as she shuddered and pulled a face.

  “I don’t know what you want from me, Beast. I’m not in a good place right now. I need to make a new life for myself now I can no longer dance. I’m not going to be here very long. I have to get back to Cape Town to start my ballet school. I want to teach others what I had learned and I want to dance as much as I’m able.”

  No way was he letting her go. She was in his territory now and she wouldn’t be leaving.

  “Why can’t you do it up here? There are children up here who want to learn how to dance.”

  She shook her head and frowned heavily but avoided his eyes.

  “There are children everywhere who want to learn to dance. I want to start a school for underprivileged children in the city where I was given my chance. There are so many lost children on the Cape Flats who need something to take them away from their daily suffering. I’m going to give it to them. I’m going to give them dance.”

  Right then he knew he had a fight on his hands. The naïve little girl he had kicked out of his life had become a woman with a backbone of steel. A woman he would have to get to know all over again because he no longer knew her and she didn’t know him either. They had both changed so much over the years. Changes brought on by the lives they had lived and the circumstances surrounding those lives.

  He hadn’t been a good man when he had met her and he hadn’t yet fully submerged himself in the darkness that he lived in now. He was his club’s enforcer and killed without giving it a second thought. Not that long ago he had stood next to the Crow and had been about to torture a woman who had almost killed his brother’s woman. And he had felt nothing, absolutely nothing. His heart had shrivelled up and became black after he lost his Ladybug. His girls brought some light into the darkness but not enough to dispel the constant darkness he lived in.

  Now here she was, sitting in his lap and telling him he was going to lose her again.

  Not fucking happening. Not this time. Not ever again.

  He wasn’t letting her go, no matter how many times she tried to leave he would always bring her back to where she belonged. Right here in his arms.

  “We can scout out some locations for you up here. I’m not letting you out of my sight, baby. The fucking Maingarde bitch is out for your blood and she’s not getting another single drop. Not fucking ever. You’ll be fucking vulnerable in Cape Town because Dom won’t be able to protect you from her. He tried, he failed.”

  Her spine went rigid and her head swung around so she could glare up at him. Beast was hard pressed to not grin at the angry flames virtually shooting out of her green eyes.

  “Don’t you try and arrange my life to suit your stupid agenda. I’ve been looking after myself for freaking years and I’m not about to stop now. I planned the school for Cape Town and that’s where it’s going to be. And she’ll get over her snit and go back to ignoring me. I didn’t go to the cops or anything stupid like that.”

  Beast bent closer and whispered. “No, you did something worse, you told Dominick.”

  That shut her up immediately and Beast saw the worry in her face as she digested his words.

  “She’s not sure of Dominick’s loyalty, is she? And he tried to hide me from her as a favour for Pixie. Oh shit, is he in danger? If that old bitch touches him Pixie is going to have a shit fit and it will be my fault. I should have listened to her. She warned me not to ask Dominick to help with the ballet school but I wouldn’t listen. I was so stupid. I told her the old bitch couldn’t be that bad. I was so freaking wrong about that.” She sighed and her shoulders slumped.

  “Yes, you were.” Beast agreed. “But it’s because you haven’t lived in this country for years and didn’t know how things had changed since you left.”

  Beast cupped her face and turned her head towards him, lifting it slightly until she looked him in the eyes.

  “You are safe here with us, baby. Give the club a chance to fix this problem for you. And give the two of us a chance to get to know each other again.”

  He waited for her answer with his pulse pounding and his palms sweating.

  She had to say yes. She just had to.

  If she refused he would change her mind.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  Tori

  When I heard the door slamming open my first thought had been that I had been found. But when no shots were fired I breathed a little easier. I shouldn’t have. Because when I walked out of the bathroom his ginormous body and furious presence filled my r
oom. His eyes burned with rage as they slid over me and I almost ran back into the bathroom. But then I thought, no, hell no. I wasn’t running, not again, not ever again.

  I should have run. I should have locked myself in the freaking bathroom.

  But ever stupid me, I confronted him. Confronted the Beast. Not a good idea.

  Now here I was, on his freaking lap, being told that he wanted me to stay here. Because not only wasn’t it safe for me in Cape Town, he wanted his club to fix my problem and he wanted us to get to know each other again.

  I could live with staying here until it was safe to go back home. But getting to know him again? No, I don’t think so. He had children.

  Children with some club slut after he had refused to give me children.

  No, just no.

  I could not stay here and see them together. I could not be rational about that shit, not at all.

  Sweet virgin queen this situation was so messed up.

  This man had always been and it seems would always be my Achilles heel. He had been my first everything. First kiss. First love. First sex. First shattered heart.

  I just couldn’t do it again. Twice in my life I had loved and lost. I wasn’t ever going there again, it freaking hurt too much.

  I drew in a deep breath. “I’ll stay until it’s safe for me to go home and we can use the time to get to know each other. But Beast, all I have to give is friendship I can’t give you anything more than that.”

  Beast stiffened and his arms tightened around me and I held my breath for his reaction. I didn’t have long to wait.

  “I’ll take that for now, Ladybug.” He softly kissed me on top of my head. “But be warned, I’m not giving up. I’ll fight dirty if I have to. I want you in my life, in my arms, in my bed. I want my girls to get to know you. They need a good woman in their lives after the bad shit their whore of a mother subjected them to.”

  That last sentence of his had me frowning.

  “What do you mean? What did your wife do to your children?”

  Beast dropped his head against mine and sighed. The sigh was heavy and filled with regret.

  “After I drove you away I didn’t care what happened to me. I did some fucked up shit. I drank, even did drugs, and partied all the time. I wasn’t very particular about the bitches I fucked.”

  He lifted his head, swallowed hard before he continued and I knew some bad stuff was coming. So I braced.

  “She was, and still is, a club whore. I got caught with the oldest trick in the book, pregnancy. My brothers tried to talk me out of it but I wanted my kid and I knew she would get rid of it if I didn’t marry her. So I did. It was a marriage of convenience only, she went her way and I went mine. Joslyn was two when I’d had enough. I started divorce proceedings and the bitch nearly lost her mind. She didn’t want a divorce. She waited until I was drunk and high then took what she wanted.” He groaned. “Two weeks later she told me she was fucking pregnant. I divorced her anyway. We had joint custody of the kids but she moved to Vereeniging and whored herself out to a fucked up club. It was difficult to keep my eye on my babies with them so fucking far away.”

  My eyes must have been wide as saucers. That was how they felt anyway.

  “She kept demanding more and more money supposedly for the kids. Then she arrived at my house one night and after I refused to give her more money she shoved my crying babies in my arms and walked away. I don’t think the bitch expected my reaction. She thought I would give her money to take my kids back. I didn’t. I contacted our club lawyers and took her to court. I now have sole custody of my girls.”

  Beast shook his head and continued quietly. “My club family has been helping me with my girls. My youngest baby hardly says a word and they both have fucking nightmares almost every night. I had them checked out by their paediatrician and thank fuck they haven’t been sexually abused. But they have been abused in some way. And it’s my fault. I should never have allowed her to take them.”

  I patted his chest. Not that it would soothe the rage and self-loathing roaring through him.

  “If you did what the courts decreed it’s not your fault. At least you now have them safe with you and by the sound of it you have a lot of support from your club family. They’re lucky to have you as their dad.”

  He nodded and then, shit, he took my face in his hands and freaking made it impossible for me to keep my distance from him and his little family.

  “That’s why they need you, Ladybug. They need you to teach them how to dance and to laugh out loud again. You always made me laugh so fucking hard. I want to share my babies with you and make more babies with you. I want to fill my home with love and laughter and for that to happen I need your help.”

  Lordy, he really did play dirty.

  “I can’t. Not right now, Beast, and maybe not ever. There’s too much standing between us. I thought I had worked through the hurt and rage after the things you said when you broke up with me but unfortunately I haven’t. I had just shoved it down deep and shut the door on my feelings. Now it’s all back and raging in my head.”

  I growled angrily. “And all those women. I just don’t know how I feel about that. I don’t know if I could get past the vision of you with club girls. I’ve seen the club girls at the Road Warriors compound, so I know exactly what your life has been like. The total debauchery and public sex always made me cringe and when I put you in that scenario in my head it makes me shudder with disgust.”

  He totally ignored what I had said and focused on one little thing.

  “What the fuck were you doing at the Road Warriors compound?”

  Freaking Neanderthal asshole.

  “Rooster and his brothers are very good friends of mine. We hang out at the clubhouse with him all the time.”

  “Who hangs out there with you?”

  For freaks sake!

  “Pixie, Zanele, Joney and I. We’re safe because Rooster, Crash and Boxer watch over us, and in any case, no one would dare touch Pixie or her friends. Wild Man would cut off their dicks and have their sorry asses fed to the sharks.”

  He nodded as if he had been placated by my explanation and continued the conversation. Asshole.

  “I don’t fuck in public, baby. Not ever. And there’s nothing I can do about what I did except to say it’s all in the past.”

  I snorted and shook my head in disbelief.

  “Are you trying to tell me you haven’t recently been with the women here at the club? I call bullshit.” What did he think I was? Stupid? Nope, not me, I know what these biker types got up to.

  “I haven’t been with anyone in weeks, Tori. Hell, I haven’t had sex since before you came to the club.” He growled angrily.

  Who the hell did he think he was to get angry with me? He threw me out and went on a spree fucking anything that moved if I understood his explanation correctly. It just consolidated it for me. I could not get involved with this man.

  If I did and he threw me out when he became bored again I wouldn’t survive. It would shatter me completely. So it was safer not to go there at all. I was sorry for his girls but they weren’t my responsibility. They were his.

  I wriggled out of his arms and at last he let me go. I slid off his lap and grimaced when my leg ached. I needed a freaking massage. Stretching my back I slowly paced in front of him. I felt his eyes on me, his expression hidden behind that freaking wild beard and his dark eyes. Taking a deep breath I faced him and tried to explain.

  “I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to have a relationship with anyone. I have so much I still haven’t worked through about the crash and losing Ilya and my career. It wouldn’t be fair to you or me to give you false hope. To be totally honest, I’m scared, scared of caring about anyone ever again. I’m broken and I need to fix myself before I even attempt to try being in a relationship with anyone. And you have your children to think about. They don’t need some woman appearing in their lives only to have her disappear again when we don’t work out. I can’t do tha
t to them.”

  I drew in a deep breath and met his searing black gaze. But before I could say it, end us before we even began he stood and came and stood right in my personal space bubble.

  “I refuse to accept it. We belong together, Ladybug. You’ve always been mine, even with all the years that have passed, I never forgot about you or took another woman as my old lady. I never gave that bitch my name or my patch. It has always belonged to you. And I won’t give up until I have my name and my patch on you. Fair warning, sweetheart, you were mine once, you will be again.”

  Then he left. He closed the door softly behind him and I heard the rumble of male voices in the passage but not what they were saying.

  He freaking left without giving me a chance to say another damned word. I wanted to stamp my feet in temper and would have if my leg hadn’t been aching so badly. I needed to sit down and elevate my leg.

  Limping to my bed I flopped down on the cushions stacked against the headboard. Carefully lifting my leg I rested it on the large pillow left in the middle of the bed for that exact reason.

  I sat on my bed fuming silently because there was no one to rant at. For some reason Sam hadn’t come back into my room and neither had Kid. I didn’t know why but if I had to guess I think it had something to do with Beast. He had always been a possessive bastard. I wouldn’t put it past him to threaten Sam with death if he set foot in my room. So freaking annoying.

  I was still fuming when Aunt Beryl came bustling in with a heavy tray while Sam held the door open for her. He shrugged at my raised eyebrows closed the door and stayed out in the passage. Yip, Beast had put his big fat foot in my business.

  Aunt Beryl didn’t say a word as she set the tray on the bed then drew the small table and a chair to the side of the bed. She only looked at me once she had the tea things set out on the table how she liked it and was sitting in the chair. A smile lit her face as she looked back down and poured our tea and handed me my cup. I took it with a sigh. I so knew what was coming next.