a questionable life

by Luke Lively

  What am I looking for? It wasn’t this. I needed to talk to someone. I was feeling hopeless.

  I called Cassie.

  Knowing when to quit is just as important as knowing when to start.

  —BENJAMIN FRANKLIN PRICE

  9. What Happens If I Quit?

  “WHAT HAPPENS IF I QUIT?” I asked.

  Cassie was mad. I had to talk to someone about the conversation I had just had with Benny. I had too much alcohol in my system to drive to her apartment, so I called hoping to get her opinion on the idea of leaving Merchants Bank. She made her opinion clear.

  “How could you even think about giving up your position with Merchants and your bonus?” Cassie asked. “Jack, those are some huge dollars. I would have to work ten years to clear that much money. Ten years! You only have another year. I’m not so sure you appreciate what a good job you have.”

  “What good is the money if I’m not alive to spend it?” I asked.

  “Your job isn’t killing you—it’s your ex and the kids that are putting the pressure on you. You’re goin’ through a rough spot,” she said. “You’re tough—you can find a way to cope.”

  “Coping is what I’ve done all of my life,” I said. “I want more from life than money.” The sound of what I had just said shocked me—it must be the alcohol, I thought as soon as I said it. It shocked Cassie much more.

  “What did you say? That doesn’t sound like the Jack Oliver I fell in love with and adore. You got where you’re at because you’re ruthless—you never give up. So now you’re ready to quit because some old man in Virginia offers you a job?” Cassie asked with frustration dripping from every word. “You’re ready to stop what you’re doing and start over in some little hick town in Virginia?”

  “What happens if I quit? What would you think of me?”

  “I have always admired you for the way you play the game of life,” she said, a terminology we shared. “You’re the best player I know. But talking about tossing away a quarter of a million dollars when you’re only a year away from getting it doesn’t make sense. I’m worried about you, Jack. That’s a lot of money.”

  “Is that all there is to life?” I asked. “Money?”

  “To me—yes—because that is how I can live the life I want,” Cassie said with a firm conviction in her voice. “You’ve forgotten how tough it can be. Do you know what it’s like to not be able to buy something like food? You know, life’s necessities, Jack. You may have forgotten, but I remember what not having money is like.”

  “I would make plenty of money in Virginia,” I said.

  “Maybe you would, but you would be in Virginia,” she said, “and I’ll be here.”

  “Is that the problem?” I asked. “Would you want to move to Virginia?”

  “I would never consider moving to Virginia or anywhere else,” she said. “This is my home. Philly is where I’ll die. I thought you felt the same way.”

  “Well, that’s still what I think, but I am in a rut at work—I hate my job,” I said, allowing my emotions to find words. “At PT&G I was a heartbeat away from the top. At Merchants I’m a role player, someone they want to keep for a while, then I’ll be expendable. I don’t like that feeling. I’m better than anybody at Merchants. Nobody in their organization can handle the Philly operation like I can.”

  “I know, Jack,” Cassie said, “but with a quarter of a million you could leave and find something else to do in Philly. There are other banks here. You could get even with Merchants by working for another bank. You don’t have to go to Virginia.”

  “This is a unique opportunity. I could be in charge of the bank after one year. The bank has great potential. I could make a lot more money than the bonus. I would have a future,” I said.

  “A future?” she asked. “Maybe you could in banking—you know more about that than me. But when I think of the future, I’m not thinking about banking. Is there any future for us?”

  “I didn’t know we were committed to a future,” I said, growing weary of the conversation.

  “You’re right, Jack, we aren’t. There’s no future for us; how stupid could I be?” she said. “You do what you think is right for you, as always. Take care of number one. But don’t come crying around to me about making a mistake. If you go to Virginia, you’re makin’ the biggest mistake of your life. I promise you that, Jack Oliver!” She hung up the phone.

  Maybe Cassie was right.

  Am I a quitter? I asked myself. I had never been a quitter. I was the opposite.

  The job advertisements demand it: Must be a self-starter! Guilty, as charged. I was always ready. I felt comfortable starting something, going as fast as possible, and I only considered stopping after passing under the checkered flag, winning the race. I deplored the idea of stopping. Stopping allowed others to pass you. Quitting was for wimps. Quitting was failing. No one would ever beat me.

  That is why I loved NASCAR races. Braking was something you would do only when the yellow caution flag dropped or you had to go into the pit to fill the tank up and change the tires. I lived my life like I was in a NASCAR race. I would pit only when I had to do so. I never allowed anyone to pass me. My foot was always on the accelerator.

  Benny had started my mind racing. I kept hearing his question, “What are you looking for?” Was it Cassie? How had Cassie become such a prominent person in my life? Was Cassie part of what I was looking for?

  I got up from the recliner and put a frozen dinner in the oven. Feeling thirsty and needing some relief after the argument with Cassie, I decided to pour another drink. Cassie was one of the things I would leave behind if I left Philly. As the oven began to heat the turkey dinner, I sat back down in the recliner, drink in hand. Would I miss her?

  Cassie had been a part of my life for many years. While we had never talked about the future, she had become one of the most significant people in my life—till now. How did Cassie and I connect?

  Turning the television around so I didn’t have to see my reflection, I sat down in the recliner. The beginning of our relationship was something that started innocently. It started with a choice I had made years ago and had consequences I never expected.

  “What do I expect?” Tina repeated my question. “I expect you to want to spend time with me and enjoy our time together.”

  The world can change with a few words. Tina and I both expected more than what the other person could deliver. Our brief conversation opened a subject we had avoided—our expectations. What did we expect from each other? Unfulfilled expectations finally doomed our marriage. What Tina expected of me I could not give to her. I had other things I wanted more. Cassie was one of them.

  When I couldn’t get what I wanted from Tina, I looked outside our marriage and found Cassie. But meeting her was not the beginning of the end for Tina and me. It all began in the days leading up to the birth of our daughter, Jessica, long before I met Cassie. The choices I made in those few days proved fatal for my marriage and opened my mind to desires I had held at bay for years.

  Less than a week from the due date of the birth of our first child I was working late every evening. I felt backed into a corner. I had to choose between doing my job at a critical time in my career or sitting around with Tina while she complained about being fat and her feet hurting. At that moment, there was not much of a choice.

  “What should I do?” I asked, pulling out my best defense. “You tell me, Tina, what should I do?” I had already made up my mind—I had to go back to the office that evening to finish a report.

  “Be happy, Jack,” she said suddenly, appearing to exhibit some concern about my welfare in the moment of a harsh interchange. “I want you to be happy. If you really think work is more important and that makes you happy, go for it. At least one of us will be happy.”

  There are moments in life when you know that what you are doing is wrong but convince yourself you are right. That was one of those moments. After eating a sandwich and chips and gulping down a beer, I went bac
k to the office at 7:30 P.M. to do paperwork, leaving Tina alone. I enjoyed working when no one else was in the office. I could get more accomplished. I stayed until midnight and came home to find Tina asleep on the couch.

  What do I expect? I wondered as I stepped into the kitchen. I wanted some understanding and compassion. I had the pressure of the world on my back. Why couldn’t Tina see that? Granted, I had set out with some lofty expectations. But I could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

  Obviously, Tina didn’t share my vision. The light she saw at the end of the tunnel was a train barreling down the tracks on a collision course. All I heard at home was how I was working too many hours and not spending enough time with her. Tina’s negativity was something I had never noticed until after we were married. Now, Tina’s demands were forcing me to choose. I wanted to be excited about the birth of our first child, but I could not enjoy the moment. All I could do was worry about the future and my career. I could never get ahead in my career if I spent all my time with Tina. My career demanded that I put everything into my job to ensure a bright future. That was my priority. Why didn’t Tina see that?

  After throwing together a bologna sandwich and opening a fresh beer, I walked back into the living room and sat down in a chair facing the couch. As I gazed at the sleeping figure, I remembered the passion that created the life she carried inside. That night was special. We had celebrated my first promotion at PT&G—I was named a management trainee. The years of sacrifice were finally paying off. Things seemed so perfect then. But as the memories of that night faded, my frustration returned. Why couldn’t she see that everything would work out? I wanted to be happy with Tina and the baby. Why didn’t she trust me? I wanted to give our child everything that my parents couldn’t afford, a better life.

  Still, I sat looking at Tina and remembered how she made me feel. I was in love with her. Maybe she was right—I couldn’t keep working at the same frantic pace after the baby was born.

  Feeling guilty for leaving Tina alone night after night, I promised myself I was going to spend more quality time with her and the baby. I was going to relax and take a different approach at work. Life wasn’t a hundred-yard dash, it was a marathon. I needed to pace myself and enjoy the scenery on the long-distance run. I was not going to risk my marriage over my career. I was going to change. Now was the time.

  I stepped over to the couch and knelt on the floor, putting my head gently against her stomach. Tina awoke and was surprised to see me so close. “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “Nothing is wrong,” I said. “I think I’ve got things figured out. You’ll see.”

  “Jack, I worry about you,” Tina said. “I love you.”

  “I love you too,” I said. “Now, let me help you to bed.”

  By the time I had shaved in the morning, I had already forgotten those promises. My focus was back on my career. How could I forget so easily? It just happened. I went to work early that morning to win the game of life. I had to keep up the pace.

  As soon as I entered the office that morning I saw a yellow sticky note on the top of my computer. CHAD NEEDS TO SEE YOU ASAP! It was hand written by Chad’s assistant.

  “Why now?” I asked myself. It was the first time I would meet with him since being named the bank’s management trainee. While I was not expecting the meeting, having an audience with Chad could never hurt.

  “Jack, have a seat,” he said as I entered the room. Chad remained seated behind his desk. “You’re doing a great job. In fact, I’m giving you a special assignment. It is somewhat of a test.”

  “I’m ready to do whatever you need me to do,” I said.

  “I know. That’s what I like about you, Jack. But this is a little different.” Chad proceeded to tell me that a car dealership, Frank Smith Ford, one of the bank’s largest clients, was having cash flow problems. The owner, Frank Smith, was a friend of Chad’s, and he wanted to help his friend. “While Frank is a friend, I have a fear that he is selling cars out-of-trust. Do you know what that is?” Chad asked.

  I knew what out-of-trust was for a bank and a car dealer relationship. The bank loans money to a car dealer to purchase vehicles from the manufacturer. The dealership assigns the car as collateral for the amount they pay the manufacturer. When the vehicle is sold, the dealership agrees to immediately repay the bank the amount owed on the vehicle. If they don’t repay immediately they are out-of-trust. I summarized this for Chad.

  “Right,” Chad said. “I think Frank is selling the vehicles and withholding payment to us for several weeks—maybe longer. While we are making money on the debt, he is violating the agreement, and in the process we lose our collateral. So Frank is getting our best interest rate on an unsecured, much riskier loan. If he is doing this, he’s being dishonest. I need to find out.”

  “What do you want me to do?” I asked.

  “To add some complication, I think someone in our loan department is overlooking this situation—on purpose. Why, I do not know. I want you to go to the dealership on Saturday and perform a surprise check of the inventory. I want you to get proof of what happened to any vehicle that is not on the car lot. Ask questions, and get an answer on every missing vehicle. Did they sell it? Where is it? Frank won’t be there. He’s out of town. So you can be tough on his son, Frank Jr., who will probably be called off the golf course to meet with you while you’re doing your surprise check of the vehicles.”

  This sounded important; here was something that would not generally be handed off to a rookie. I wondered why I was being chosen.

  “I want you to do this because you can get the information without raising any suspicion of your intent in our loan department, who may be in on this. You’re new to this area, so if Frank complains about your surprise visit, I can blame it on your inexperience. But what I really want to know, other than what Frank is doing, is how you handle a situation like this. How do you respond to pressure? Can you handle a delicate situation? Can I trust you? This is the real world, Jack. This is a test. Are you ready?” Chad asked.

  Without hesitation I said, “Yes.” After gathering the information from the bank’s database without anyone questioning what I was doing, I planned my Saturday excursion. Tina could give birth at any moment, but that was not in my thoughts at work.

  I had a job to do.

  On Friday afternoon I received a call from Tina. It was time for Jessica Elizabeth Oliver to enter the world. I raced to our apartment and took Tina to Jefferson Hospital. After thirteen hours of labor, Jessica was born at 5:35 Saturday morning.

  In the middle of the labor cycle, I remembered what I had to do later that day. How could I not do it? It was crucial to complete the inspection while Frank Smith Sr. was out of town. Chad was counting on me. Or would he understand about the birth of my child? I am sure he will.

  Sometime before 9:00 A.M. I found a few minutes to call him. I called Chad’s home number, a number he gave me to call after I completed the inspection later that day. His daughter answered the phone and after identifying myself I waited several minutes for Chad to come to the phone.

  “Jack, is there a problem?” Chad asked immediately.

  “Mr. Jefferies, I mean, Chad, I’m here at the hospital,” I began, stumbling over my thoughts after a night without sleep. “My wife just gave birth to our daughter, our first child—a few hours ago. I was wondering . . .”

  Before I could get out another word, Chad interrupted. “Jack, that’s great. Congratulations to you and your wife. So this timed perfectly. You’ll still be able to do the inspection later today, right?”

  “Well, sir, that is why I was calling you,” I continued, but was interrupted again by Chad’s forceful voice.

  “Well, you could do it another day—but that would be too late! I need it done now,” he said. “If you knew that this could be a conflict, why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I’m sorry. I’ve been up all night. I’ll do it—I’ll call you after I finish the inspection,” I said, caving i
nto the pressure.

  “Good,” he said. “This is something you’ll face often in your career. You were there for the most important part. Your wife will understand. Don’t fail me. I am counting on you.”

  “I’ll never fail you—I promise. You can trust me,” I said.

  “That is something you’ll have to earn, Jack,” he said. “Now, go back to your wife and baby. Enjoy your family.”

  After hanging up the pay phone, standing in the empty hospital corridor, I thought, how am I going to explain this? I was again stuck between my family and my career.

  I went to the recovery area still unsure of what I would say. “I have to leave the hospital for most of the afternoon. I just talked to Chad and he wants me to do a very important inspection on a client who may be cheating the bank. It’s a secret assignment. Chad says it’s a test to see if he can trust me. I’ve got to do it, Tina. He’s counting on me.” Tina looked like she had seen a ghost. She was in shock. Then she was angry.

  “How can you leave your new baby and wife to go to work on a Saturday afternoon? And for what—a secret assignment? You say this is a test? What is wrong with that man? Is he crazy? I cannot believe you’re doing this,” Tina said with tears streaming down her face.

  “I have to do this for our future, for the good of you and Jessica,” I said meekly.

  “Jack, be honest,” Tina said. “You’re doing this for you.”

  I conducted the inspection. As Chad anticipated, the dealership had sold twenty-three new cars without paying the bank, leaving the bank exposed for almost a half a million dollars. Frank Jr. showed up in a panic. He looked like a spoiled rich kid, just what I expected.

  “We are having some accounting problems,” he said. “That’s why we haven’t paid on time.”

  “From what I’m looking at, you haven’t paid on cars sold three weeks ago,” I said. “That sounds like more of a business decision than an accounting problem.”