The Red-Hot Chili Cook-Off

by Carolyn Brown

  ***

  Carlene dressed in a short bright red tight skirt, black high heels, and a black-and-white color blocked sweater to go to her parents’ house for supper. Her mama had said that her dad had finally calmed down and she’d put the keys to his gun safes back in his desk drawer.

  She stopped at the convenience store for a gallon of milk her mother had asked her to pick up, and on her way out, there was Lenny leaning against the fender of her van, looking like a model for expensive champagne. He might be a jackass but he was a damn sexy looking one.

  “What do you want?” she asked bluntly.

  “To make up. To call Carson and tell him to forget about drawing up those papers. For you to come home where you belong so this damned gossip will stop. To have you back in my arms. You know you are my good luck charm for the chili cook-off. Ever since we got married, I’ve brought the trophy home,” Lenny said.

  “And what about Bridget?”

  “You aren’t going to forgive me, are you?”

  “How would you feel if I’d been screwing around on you? Tell Carson to get the papers ready,” she said.

  “I’m telling you right now, you can keep your glorified underwear factory and that’s all you’ll get. I’m taking the house and everything in it.” His voice was cold enough that it made her shiver.

  “I don’t want a damn thing in that house except my Granny Fannin’s candlesticks. If you fight me over those, Lenny Lovelle, I’ll get half of what you got if it takes every dime I’ve got.”

  His brittle laughter echoed through her ears. “You can have them.”

  “Well, that is real generous of you.” She crawled into her van, slammed the door, and left rubber on the parking lot when she peeled out. Her hands shook but she wasn’t crying another tear over that jerk.

  Her mother met her at the door and gave her a brief hug, a kiss on each cheek, and led her into the den where her father already had a scotch on the rocks in his hand. Hank Carmichael owned enough oil wells in Texas to put him on those Top 500 Wealthiest Texans lists but he looked like a plain old rancher. His dark hair was always in need of a cut and Gigi often said that an Italian tailor could put him in the most expensive suit on the market and he’d still look like he’d just walked through a pasture.

  Carlene loved him just the way he was.

  He crossed the room and wrapped her up in a fierce embrace. “You want a drink, honey? And what do you want me to do about Lenny?”

  She nodded and said, “Two fingers and neat. Don’t be waterin’ it down with ice cubes like you do yours. And I want you to ignore Lenny.”

  “I swear to God, you two are cut from the same bolt of denim. A woman should have a glass of wine, not two fingers of scotch,” Gigi fussed.

  “I bet she wouldn’t like it if I had a beer, either,” Carlene teased.

  Hank handed her the drink. “Glad to see that my baby girl hasn’t lost her sense of humor over all this.”

  She took a sip. “I’m glad to see that you haven’t blown a gasket over it, Daddy.”

  “Damn near did there at first but I’m simmering down. He’d best stay out of my sight for a while longer though,” Hank said.

  Gigi poured white wine into a crystal flute. “I don’t imagine that he wants to see you any time soon. And I expect that you’d best tell one of the Chili Kings that you aren’t going to be on his chili cook-off team this year, either.”

  “Well, hell! I forgot about that. There ain’t no way I’m going to be on his team ever again. I wonder if Yancy has told him that he’s leaving,” Hank growled.

  “Where are y’all?” Tansy’s southern voice carried down the foyer and into Hank’s den. “We’re here. Sugar said she and Jamie would be here soon as church let out and to save her some dessert. We are havin’ pecan pie, aren’t we? Hank, honey, are you all right? I swear Alex is mad enough to pinch Lenny’s head right off and I’m not talking about the one on his shoulders. That boy is too stupid to know it but he done shit in his nest.” She talked all the way to the bar where she poured half a glass of Jack Daniels and popped the top off a beer for her husband.

  “You didn’t tell me you were inviting the family,” Carlene whispered to her mama.

  “Times like this we need the support of family,” Gigi said.

  Alex took a long swig from the bottle and looked at Carlene. “Patrice says that he’s wantin’ to make amends. How do you feel about that?”

  Her Uncle Alex had always been her favorite. A quiet man with thinning light brown hair, slightly overweight and broad shouldered, he’d always been like a big old teddy bear. But if anyone hurt one of the girls, as he called the three cousins, he went from teddy bear to angry grizzly in less time that it took to snap his fingers. He’d grown up on the Magee Ranch outside of Cadillac and had inherited the estate when his father died. Thousands of acres of Black Angus cattle and pumping black oil wells made up his little spread, as he called it.

  “I’m not feelin’ much love toward him right now but maybe he’s about ready to stop giving me another chance at happiness. He’s ready to take me to the cleaners now and, of course, it will be my fault if he doesn’t get the trophy at the chili cook-off,” Carlene said.

  She felt strangely numb instead of mad. Maybe now that the anger was past, if she dug deep, she could find forgiveness in her heart. If she did, things would turn around with her cousins for sure. Patrice would be mad at her and Alma Grace would be crying tears of joy. It was a lose–lose situation that made her even sadder than a divorce.

  Tansy tucked her chin and looked up at Carlene. “You should have taken a hammer to those damn trophies. What exactly does that mean about taking you to the cleaners?”

  “I told him all I want from that house is Granny Fannin’s candlesticks. I should have picked them up when I left but I was so damned mad I was seeing red, not crystal candleholders,” she said.

  “And?” Alex asked.

  “He just laughed and said that I could have them.”

  “If he knows what’s good for him, he’ll have them delivered on satin pillows. Those were Granny Fannin’s pride and joy. Her mama gave them to her for a wedding gift,” Tansy said.

  “Seven o’clock. Dinnertime,” Gigi said. “Did y’all hear that Alma Grace pitched a hissy fit and is down at the CNC church tonight? That girl’s finally growing a backbone.”

  Tansy laughed. “I heard that she’s sitting in the back pew beside Jack Landry. Sugar is going to shit little green apples when I tell her. Hell, I might even wind up with her piece of pecan pie, yet.”

  “You can bet your sweet little southern ass that Sugar is praying about Alma Grace even going to that church. Jamie is probably having trouble getting her to hush,” Hank said.

  Gigi slapped at his shoulder then tucked her arm into his. “Hank Carmichael!”

  He planted a kiss on her forehead. “It’s the truth and you know it. I’m glad that I got the oldest Fannin sister and not the youngest.”

  “And I’m damn glad I got the middle child. Come here, Carlene, it will be my pleasure to escort two gorgeous women into the dining room.” Alex held out his arm.

  Carlene swallowed the lemon-size lump in her throat as she looped her arm in his. Her world might have crumbled but her family was pretty damned awesome.

  Chapter 5

  Alma Grace threw up both palms as she kicked the back door of Bless My Bloomers shut with the spike heel of her shoe. “I’m warnin’ y’all, my patience is thin enough to give you a paper cut if you mess with me. It’s amazing that everyone in town knows my business better than I do. It’s enough to make a woman lose her religion.”

  Josie poured a cup of coffee and handed it to her. “Way I heard it was that Jack just walked you down the street to your car and you didn’t even touch his motorcycle. That he kept his distance and y’all just talked like friends.”

  “Not me,” Carlene said. “I heard that he roared all over town with you on the back and you were holding a longneck bott
le of Coors in one hand and had the other one wrapped up around his chest. I heard that you were sleeping with him and that’s the reason you got tossed off the Easter committee. And that you were wearing a short-tailed skirt with no under-britches up under it.”

  Patrice took a mug from the cabinet and poured herself a cup. “I don’t give a shit what you did. I’ve got a date with Yancy on Friday night and I intend to have sex. The whole damn town can talk about it if they want to.”

  “Well, my kids aren’t coming home this weekend, which means I don’t have to cook, clean, or chase the grandbabies. I get to eat what I want, sleep as long as I want, and watch all four Lethal Weapon movies,” Josie announced.

  They looked at Carlene.

  She shrugged. “Lenny was at the convenience store last night. He tried to sweet talk me into coming home. Maybe I should.”

  “Oh, Carlene, my prayers have been answered.” Alma Grace almost swooned.

  “You do and I’ll put you in a straitjacket and haul you to the nearest insane asylum myself,” Patrice declared.

  Carlene got up and refilled her coffee mug. “I could go home, sleep in the same bed with him, but tell him there’ll be no sex until he wins back my trust. If he really loves me like he says he does, he’ll be willing for it, right?”

  Patrice laughed so hard that black tears ran down her cheeks. “Damn you, Carlene, now I’ll have to redo my makeup.”

  Alma Grace’s smile lit up the whole kitchen. “Why is that so funny? I think it’s a great idea. Y’all could read some marriage counseling books in the evening and there’s still time for me to fly in the Easter program if you two reconcile.”

  Josie blew on the top of her mug and sipped it easy. “Might as well get Lenny’s funeral planned. He’s one of them who’d drop down graveyard dead if he didn’t have sex on command.”

  “Josie!” Carlene exclaimed.

  “Honey, I’m old but I do remember what sex is.”

  “Is that why he cheated? Because he has to have it every day and you were too busy, Carlene?” Alma Grace asked. “You know it’s a woman’s duty to satisfy her husband’s needs, don’t you?”

  “Yes, Alma Grace,” Carlene said acidly, “it was in my marriage vows. I vow to love, honor, respect, and screw Lenny Joe Lovelle at least three times a day and four on Sunday.”

  Patrice shot a dirty look across the table toward Alma Grace. “You’ve already tried my patience until it’s frayed. I can’t imagine how Carlene must feel with you talkin’ like this.”

  Alma Grace threw her hand over her forehead in a dramatic gesture. “If those women hadn’t been such bitches, I would never have gone to the CNC church last night, and if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have gotten to sit by Jack and he wouldn’t have walked me back to my car. Besides the cookies were wonderful after the services and those people are very nice so don’t bitch at me Patrice. I was just asking a question and reminding our cousin of her marriage vows. I just can’t bear the idea of her sinnin’,” Alma Grace fussed.

  “Bullshit,” Patrice said.

  “Alma Grace said ‘bitch,’” Carlene sing-songed.

  Alma Grace’s hand came down so fast that it was a blur. “Patrice has to put that sin in her book because she made me do it. Right now I’m going to put on my best smile and open the doors. Matter of fact, I’m going to smile all morning because Jack Landry sat beside me in church,” Alma Grace said.

  ***

  Carlene and Josie had been adding lace, beads, rhinestones, and ribbons to a pale pink corset when a shadow in the doorway made them both look up. Lenny’s mother, Kitty, swept into the room, pulled out a chair, and sat down across the worktable from Carlene.

  Sweet Jesus, Carlene had always figured the woman had ice water in her veins but she was proving it that morning. She wore a black suit, black pantyhose, and high-heeled shoes. Even her hair had been recently dyed and was stovepipe black. Any other woman would be soaking wet with sweat, but not Kitty. She didn’t even have a drop of dew on her upper lip.

  “Well, what do you have to say about this problem you’ve created? The whole town is talkin’ about you and it’s getting ugly.” The icy tone in Kitty’s voice caused the temperature to drop ten degrees.

  Carlene laid her needle down and took a sip of cold coffee. “What did Lenny say about this problem I created? Have you talked to him about it yet?”

  If she picked up the needle and hurled it like a tiny miniature sword, could she do it with enough force to hit the jugular vein so Kitty would bleed out before the medics could arrive? She folded her hands in her lap to keep from giving it her best shot.

  Kitty had never liked Carlene and didn’t even bother to try to cover her feelings with a coat of fake sugar. Carlene was too tall, too big boned, too fat, too everything for Lenny, who had never done anything wrong—except for marrying Carlene—in his life.

  Kitty sighed. “I should expect that someone like you could never take a joke. He told you it was a big April Fools’ joke that he got one of his girls at the dealership to help him with. Bridget is just an office girl, for God’s sake. But then I should’ve expected this from someone like you.”

  “Someone like her?” Josie raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean by that statement?”

  “I don’t have to spell it out, do I?” Kitty’s narrow mouth pursed into a perfect little pucker. “Carlene Lovelle, enough of this. It’s time for you to stop this nonsense and go home where you belong. The chili cook-off is coming up and you know what that means to Lenny. Those trophies are his pride and joy. And to think that you tried to destroy them. I’m ashamed of you. Have I made myself clear?”

  Tansy pushed her way into the beading room and stood right behind Carlene’s chair. “What are you doing here, Kitty? Apologizing for your son?”

  “I’m trying my best to make Carlene see the error of her ways. Lenny loves her, though God only knows why, and I want my son to be happy. It was all an April Fools’ joke and I have nothing to apologize for,” Kitty answered.

  “He’s got a strange way of showing that he loves her. Even if it was a joke, which it wasn’t, it was cruel and mean,” Tansy said.

  Sugar made her way into the room and said, “Carlene might go back but only after Lenny owns up to his mistakes and begs forgiveness from her and repents to God.”

  Carlene glanced toward the door.

  Tansy read her mind. “Your mother is on her way. She had to park the car.”

  “He’s got nothing to repent for or beg forgiveness for and he’s going to file for divorce tomorrow if you don’t go home tonight,” Kitty said.

  “That house is not my home anymore and I’m not going back to it.”

  Kitty pulled a brown paper sack from her purse and pushed it across the table. “Well, I guess there’s only one thing left to do or say before I leave and never look back. Lenny sent your grandmother’s candlesticks along for me to give to you. I understand that’s the only thing you want from the house.”

  Carlene reached for it and heard the rattle of glass. She didn’t know whether to weep or commit homicide when she looked inside the bag.

  Tansy turned a strange shade of gray when Carlene poured the tiny pieces of sparkly glass out on the table.

  Sugar gasped and threw her hand over her heart.

  Kitty fished in her purse and tossed a tube of glue on the table. “Think of it as a puzzle that y’all can have so much fun putting back together.”

  Carlene whispered, “Why would he do this?”

  “You falsely accused him. He only kissed Bridget and that’s not adultery. He would never lie to me, Carlene. We tell each other everything. And besides, if it was a sin to kiss a woman after you were married, then Sugar, you could file for divorce from Jamie.”

  Sugar blocked her way. “And what is that supposed to mean?”

  “It means that Jamie kissed me after we danced last year at the Jubilee and I had to put a stop to it or it would have gone even further, so maybe Sugar Magee should go f
ind a lawyer,” Kitty declared.

  “Bullshit! Jamie wouldn’t do that,” Tansy said.

  Kitty glared at Sugar. “Ask him.”

  Sugar’s blue eyes filled with tears.

  Kitty’s smile bordered on evil.

  Tansy was struck cuss-less, which was a first in her entire life.

  Gigi stopped in the door. “I had trouble finding a parking spot. I swear the store is swarming with customers…what the hell is going on in here?”

  Kitty rushed out into the hallway. “I was doing my damnedest to help this couple get back together. But your daughter is being stubborn.”

  “If you spread that rumor about Jamie, I’ll tear you apart limb by limb,” Sugar yelled.

  “What rumor?” Gigi asked.

  Kitty touched her hair and tilted her chin up to look Gigi in the eye. “Jamie kissed me at the Jubilee last fall.”

  “That’s bullshit,” Gigi said loudly.

  Kitty shrugged. “It happened and lots of folks saw it happen.”

  Sugar melted into a nearby chair, put her head in her hands, and sobbed. “They broke Granny Fannin’s candlesticks. That is just ugly and oh, my sweet Lord, Jamie kissed her…”

  Gigi slapped a hand over her mouth. “Oh my God!”

  ***

  Alma Grace rang up the sale for two pair of boy-cut panties decorated with ribbons and rhinestones and a lavender bra to match. She’d seen Kitty go back to the beading room. She’d seen her mama and Aunt Tansy come in not long after that, and then Aunt Gigi. Then Kitty practically ran outside and left rubber on the highway as she spun out of the driveway.

  When her customer left, she hurried back to Patrice’s office and crooked her finger.

  Patrice pulled the earbuds from her ears but didn’t turn off the MP3 player. “What? Is it lunchtime? I got so involved with the bank deposit that…”

  Alma Grace whispered, “Kitty was here. Mama and Aunt Tansy and Aunt Gigi are all back there with Carlene and it’s too quiet.”